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To it's not unreasonable to say or think this in these circumstances?

(9 Posts)
Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld Wed 06-Mar-19 19:03:13

Discussion at work got quite heated, not on my part I hasten to add. Two colleagues (1 and 2) were grumbling about another colleague (3). 3 is in the process of untangling themselves from a longterm relationship. By untangling I mean marketing and moving out of their shared property, they split emotionally in October but had to carry on living in the same house due to £. So 3 has had to have some time off to do this (understandably to me).

However, 1&2 think this is unreasonable and were carping obviously in the shared kitchen and could be heard by stakeholders btw. Saying

"Oh well, I've got to pick up x and y task because 3 is not here again. Honestly, talk about dramatic, it's not like they were married and had kids, I never took so long to break up with a boyfriend, when I was still dating!" hmm face.

Now the way we work is we all muck in on projects to roughly the same level unless we are PM (neither me, 1,2or 3 are) so it's not like they have a fixed schedule and it's been 3 days over 4 weeks.

So I replied: "I don't think you are being very professional or fair to be honest" and walked back to my shared office with my brew. 1 took umbridge at this and followed me. You can't be overheard by the public in the offices btw, they are through a locked door, whereas the kitchen is open because public groups use it.

"We're only stating the facts Just, how dare you call us unprofessional!angry" So I answered that I didn't think it was professional to discuss a colleague in a derrogatory way, in an area where they can be over heard like that and that they should have compassion for 3 because they are going through a divorce. (I am divorced and a long term single parent btw).

1 then got arsey and said it's not a divorce and to say that devalues the commitment that people who get married and work to stay together have made and stormed out.

AIBU to think if you've lived with someone for a number of years, bought a property and had future plans together you are as married as you are ever going to be and if you need support when things change, you should get it? I'm only asking really because what I thought was an innocuous comment seemed to go from 0 to 60 and I don't understand why. Also 1 is at least 20 yrs younger than me (i'm mid -late 40s) so it's not like you would expect her to see mention of divorce as a slur or something as the elderly (80+) can sometimes and she's never expressed any religious belief or anything. It was just really bizarre! Or might I have missed something?

minionsrule Wed 06-Mar-19 19:09:06

Well done you for sticking up for your colleague. 3 days in 4 weeks is nothing when there is so much to sort out. If colleague 3 is generally reliable and doesn't take the pee usually then they should be cutting her some slack.
If however she is a lazy mare who looks for any excuse for a skive then they may have a point (i'm not thinking of anyone i know, not at all grin)

Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld Wed 06-Mar-19 19:12:41

No, she's hardworking. Glad it's not just me who thought 1 was being unkind.

GregoryPeckingDuck Wed 06-Mar-19 19:15:48

It’s not a divorce. A divorce can be far far more taxing purely because it’s a legal process. But in all other respects YANBU. Well done for sticking up for your absent colleague.

HarrysOwl Wed 06-Mar-19 19:15:58

When I worked in an all-female office there was a rule that you never spoke about a member of staff if they weren't present.

It worked incredibly well to create a positive, supportive environment with no bitching, gossip or nastiness.

PtahNeith Wed 06-Mar-19 19:19:31

They were being unprofessional. I'd wager they were only being defensive in such a ridiculous way because they weren't expecting to be called out for it but knew you were right.

agnurse Wed 06-Mar-19 19:22:28

While I agree their behaviour was unprofessional, here's the thing: it's not the same as a divorce. Depending on where you live, common-law relationships may not have standing. This means it can actually be messier than a divorce because there aren't legal protections in place to help you determine how to divide assets. In the case of divorce, these legal protections DO exist - and they exist to try to prevent these kinds of situations.

Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld Wed 06-Mar-19 19:25:10

Thanks all.

greendale17 Wed 06-Mar-19 19:32:57

*and that they should have compassion for 3 because they are going through a divorce.*

^No. They weren’t married. So it is not a divorce.

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