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AIBU to feel like I really lack support in this?

(22 Posts)
naturelover24 Wed 06-Mar-19 10:24:18

Hi everyone,
I have longed for a child and my own family since I was 17. I am now 22 and have spent many long dark periods of the last 5 years suffering from the worst broodiness. It's left my crying when I've had to take my pill in the evening when I was on contraception, and it makes me feel so down and actually depressed because I don't have a baby. However, I would never tell my family how I feel - we aren't close, plus I am adopted and I know TTC topics are sensitive to my adoptive parents and they wouldn't want to discuss it (plus they're super pushy and want me to have some high-flying career when actually, I just dream of family life). My friends just don't understand what headspace I'm in, they say I'll get what I want eventually, or something equally unhelpful. My best friend with six kids has been going through shit herself so I don't want to keep bringing it up, she lives abroad and I haven't seen her since last summer and she just had a DD and didn't tell me about the pregnancy until the month she was due because she was worried I'd feel upset and jealous. But I can't keep moaning about feeling broody to her, and to be honest what she says doesn't help much either. I just feel like I'm massively stuck in this rut and have been for so long - AIBU to feel like I don't have enough support from my friends I confide in? Thanks xxx

naturelover24 Wed 06-Mar-19 10:25:41

Also had a chemical pg last autumn which was so horrible. Worked out for the best as he and I parted ways but I don't think I've dealt with this emotionally, as I keep thinking oh I'd be this many weeks if it had made it... so unhealthy I know.

Atalune Wed 06-Mar-19 10:40:39

I think you should speak to your GP as what you describe sounds incredibly intense and consuming.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Wed 06-Mar-19 10:44:52

I think you need to take a step back and see why you feel like this. Quite probably it is centred round your adoption and the need to create 'blood ties'.

(IMHO thats why the Radcliffes have so many children,both of them were adopted, in care and need to create their own legacy)

You need to see your GP, you don't sound well. flowers

LegitimateShite Wed 06-Mar-19 10:45:35

I’d echo a PP in suggesting a chat with your GP might be a good idea, as this seems to be having a negative impact on your life. It could be tricky for your friends to offer support on this one, a professional would be able to help you better.

naturelover24 Wed 06-Mar-19 10:47:28

Thanks for your replies. I agree about seeing my GP and really want some therapy too to discuss these things - I'm sure adoption could play a key part. However I am abroad in a remote place until May and have been since end October, it's killing me as I am just with colleagues here and can't talk to them about it, do you know where I can get support until I am back? Thanks xx

Travis1 Wed 06-Mar-19 10:50:54

I think you could do with some counselling tbh. By the sounds of things you aren't in a long term stable relationship so not in a position to TTC regardless.

Atalune Wed 06-Mar-19 10:51:58

Call the Samaritans?

GreatDuckCookery6211 Wed 06-Mar-19 11:03:35

Agree that counselling/therapy might be the answer here, there’s obviously a huge void within you that you feel a baby would fill.

Is there anyone else you could talk to?

timeisnotaline Wed 06-Mar-19 11:09:51

I too think counselling and gp. You must logically know there are lots of good reasons not to have a child so young when you aren’t in a stable relationship. I know you think it will but a baby won’t fix the way you feel.

Bluntness100 Wed 06-Mar-19 11:18:29

I'd also say say seek help with this, you've been feeling this way froma very young age, and it sounds too all consuming for your stage of life, and if you did conceive may not be healthy for any child, to be the focus of such longing and intensity.

So taking some time to understand what's driving these all consuming thoughts and has been since seventeen is likely critical.

naturelover24 Wed 06-Mar-19 11:18:41

I 100% know that I have a lot of issues to fix before ever TTC, and my current mental state isn't healthy enough to bring a baby into the world. It's so frustrating not having access to counselling or GP here. Unfortunately my colleagues are quite unfriendly and I don't feel comfortable opening up to them about deep issues like adoption and my broodiness (I am an ecologist working with birds and most of these people think there are too many people in the world and people shouldn't be having babies because humans are ruining the planet so they'd not get it at all!!). My big sister I've tried to talk to but she has just been diagnosed with endometriosis and told she can't have kids so I don't want to be moaning to her about being broody as she is going through a really tough time. My other friends just don't understand me sad I feel at a dead end. I can't call Samaritans as the phone calls here cost so much money sad thanks for the suggestion though xx

timeisnotaline Wed 06-Mar-19 11:40:45

Is there an online chat service? I agree your colleagues don’t sound right for confiding in, or your sister right now.

naturelover24 Wed 06-Mar-19 14:10:20

Thanks everyone, timeisnotaline I will have a look to see what there is, will send some emails about online counselling too maybe thanks so much for your help

Brakebackcyclebot Wed 06-Mar-19 14:16:45

Try charities that specialise in issues around adoption OP - they may have access to more specialist help than online counselling services without links to knowledge about adoption.

I just googled and found:

www.pac-uk.org/our-services/adopted-adults/
www.afteradoption.org.uk/

naturelover24 Wed 06-Mar-19 15:29:13

Thanks so much for the advice and links brakebackcyclebot, I will look into it definitely, really appreciate everyone's comments it's just confirmed what I think is the case. X

violetgrey Wed 06-Mar-19 17:16:26

I just wanted to say that I am so impressed that how took the advice on board and are looking into support and counseling. Wishing you the best of luck!💐

naturelover24 Thu 07-Mar-19 15:47:06

Thank you so much violetgrey that's so kind of you to say x

Just wondering - I got a quote back from an adoption counselling specialist and she has quoted me £40 per session. Because of my situation here I've said it will have to be typed counselling rather than a Skype call - the walls are thin and the internet isn't great so I don't want people overhearing or the connection to be a problem when I'm paying so much for it! Is this a reasonable cost for an hour of typing to a specialist? I'm not being paid here so that seems a lot, 7 weeks left and 40 x 7 is £280... :O

Thanks x

Brakebackcyclebot Sat 09-Mar-19 12:22:26

Hi OP, that sounds cheap for specialist counselling tbh. However I would say if you can do Skype it will probably be much better as you can see face, hear voice, pick up body language. All really important. It's v easy to misunderstand a message.

Think of this as an investment - what is it worth to you to sort out your feelings around this?

Good luck OP.

DontCallMeCharlotte Sat 09-Mar-19 12:46:10

Given you're only 22 you have plenty of time (are you in a relationship?).

I realise I may be talking out of my arse but could you perhaps put the idea in a box at the back of your mind and embrace the "now"? Accept that realistically you can't realiy address the problem in your current circumstances (which sound amazing by the way!). It's only a couple of months to go and then you can start laying the foundations for a happy future.

It probably doesn't help that you might have a lot of free time alone to brood (no pun intended) on it. Is there anything else you spend your time doing to distract you?

I'm so sorry you feel like this but I'm sure your time for parenthood will come smile

naturelover24 Tue 12-Mar-19 09:21:19

Thanks so much for your responses and I’m so sorry I didn’t see them until now. You’re right that it’s cheap for counselling, but after some reflection I think it would be more beneficial for me to wait until I’m in the UK and then get some face to face counselling, as then I don’t mind paying more (would hate to pay that much money and then find it doesn’t work for me in that particular format). You’re also very right about body language etc. being really important so that reinforces my decision, thank you!

DontCallMeCharlotte - I’m not in a relationship at the moment, and my head knows that I need to wait until I am in a better position with all of this - and in a stable long term relationship at the very least - before I start a family. But my heart and my body tells me otherwise! I have tried keeping occupied to avoid dwelling on it, it’s certainly harder here as I’m away from all my friends and family so no days out or coffee with them, I have been doing some drawing and painting and also set up a new blog to try and distract myself, but the thoughts cloud my mind and can be so intrusive that at times I find it really hard to concentrate on anything else! Thanks both xx

Sonders Tue 12-Mar-19 09:58:35

Hey OP. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your life motivation being family. Some people are motivated by money, some by their career, others by education and me by eating lovely dinners.

Your challenge seems to be ruminating on the idea, and it's having a negative impact on your life. This is exactly what therapists can help you with, and I encourage you to find some support in whatever way you feel comfortable.

This issue with a family motivation is that you could achieve your 'goal' pretty easily, even when it's not healthy at all - whereas a money-motivated person couldn't just go down Spoons and pick up a cool million grin

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