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Is my friendship of 25 years over?

(31 Posts)
Nothinglefttochoose Wed 06-Mar-19 06:23:23

I have known my school friend for nearly 25 years.

We have Kids the same age and used to do a lot together when we were on maternity leave and also when we were younger, going out partying etc.

About 5 months ago she was extremely rude to me in a social situation. I was very hurt and because of that pulled back from the friendship and thought I’d leave it to her for a while, to organise things and contact me.

Every time I’d see her at joint social things after the incident, she’d say how much she missed me and how she missed our chats and catch ups etc etc.

But she’d never actually instigate anything much herself, even though whenever I would organise a catch up she would seem keen.

Well I’ve gotten a bit sick of always being the organiser so thought I’d just leave it.... and I haven’t seen her and barely heard from
Her in 3 months.

What would do in this situation?

I expect you’ll all say, shes not much of a friend or maybe it’s my fault? But I guess I just want to get your take on things?

Thanks so much

KC225 Wed 06-Mar-19 06:33:03

Did she apologise for being rude? Is she astute enough to know you pulled back after the incident? Perhaps she thinks you are still cross with her. Perhaps she is just saying 'let's do the lunch thing' but doesn't mean it. You know her better than us.

I think you have to decide what you really want. Do you want it to go back to what it was? If so, next time she says 'miss us meeting up or chatting' suggest she arranges a meet and you will wait to hear. Or do you feel you have done all the running and you miss the good tines but have moved on.

Nothinglefttochoose Wed 06-Mar-19 06:41:23

Thanks for responding KC22**5. I think she knows she was rude but she didn’t apologise.’c and probably won’t unless I bring it up.

I think she is happy enough to lunch but I’m not sure I’d be her top priority if she had a choice.

She has been a very supportive friend over the years but equally she does fire up and has fallen out with many people before due to her nature.

She can have a hard edge sometimes.

In an ideal world I’d like her to apologise and be the one to organise catch ups instead of me doing it. Realistically though I’m not sure she will change, I feel sad she being like this and am annoyed about it. I also do t want to screw up our whole friendship group by calling her out on her behaviour.

It’s so hard!!

Nothinglefttochoose Wed 06-Mar-19 06:42:20

How do I bold user names??

LL83 Wed 06-Mar-19 06:45:33

Does she not organise because it isn't a priority or because she isn't good at being organised?

If you genuinely believe she is keen to see you, the rudeness was a one off and you miss her I would organise a lunch.

Understand it's frustrating but I have friends who I dont see unless I organise it and I have to accept that is not a reflection on our friendship.

Nothinglefttochoose Wed 06-Mar-19 06:47:25

LL83 she is an extremely organised person. She’s a total control freak and plans her life months in advance!

LL83 Wed 06-Mar-19 06:48:02

@nothinglefttochoose

Put an @ at the front to respond to a poster. (I think.) I have tested above so if it worked I used @ at the start.

Sparklyshoes16 Wed 06-Mar-19 06:49:35

I went through the exact same thing as you a few months ago (I got rid). It's really hard but you'll eventually see that you just need to move on. It will be sad and probably make you feel a little angry but you'll just 'click' she's not worth your time.

Decent people get in touch, say sorry when their rude, care enough about you to see how you are, visit when they can etc. Please don't do anymore chasing...see this as a moment to look on how you want people to make you feel.

It's rubbish and hurtful but you'll probably look back and think our friendship has outgrown and moved on. Time to find someone that makes the effort in a friendship plus makes you feel good and vice versa.

endofacentury Wed 06-Mar-19 06:49:38

Sorry to hear op, this exact thing happened to me, friend of 25 years where I made all the effort. One day I thought enough is enough, and I wonder what will happen if I stop initiating meet ups and messaging her. Well that was about 5 years ago now and I've never heard from her since! It really hurt for a long time but I'm glad I found out eventually. I think you know in your heart if it's all one sided op

Nothinglefttochoose Wed 06-Mar-19 06:50:09

@LL83 Thank you!

Flurries Wed 06-Mar-19 06:52:22

Is it possible that she doesn't realise that she was rude and hurtful? Did you ever have a conversation about it? If you haven't then I guess you can't be sure that she is aware.

It sounds to me like you do miss her a bit, otherwise it wouldn't be playing on your mind so much?

mammoon Wed 06-Mar-19 06:53:48

Talk to her. This situation requires honest communication. You've been friends for a long time and sounds like it's been a good friendship for the most part. But things do change. Get together for a chat, explain that you are wondering about what's happened to your friendship these days, ask how she sees things going, ask her why she doesn't instigate get togethers etc. You may find that an honest chat clears the air between you and brings you closer. Or it may be that things have changed for both of you and you decide to put the friendship on a back burner. But unless you talk to her, you won't know.

Friendships do end, but after 25 years, you'd hope to be able to end with a hug and a smile, not drifting apart in a sea of excuses and minor slights and hurt feelings. I hope that you are able to talk things through and make sense of it all together.

Nothinglefttochoose Wed 06-Mar-19 06:53:48

@Sparklyshoes16 and @wndofacentury thanks for your responses. Yes I do feel like in my heart I know that it’s me making all the effort and I’m just hoping she will do the same. On reflection we really are quite different people. It’s probably not worth speaking to her either. I’m sure she knows she treated me badly.

LL83 Wed 06-Mar-19 06:55:08

Possibly the habit of being used to you organising then?

If you will feel like a mug then write the friendship off. At the moment you are missing her and feeling let down/frustrated. Which is very understandable.

What would you like the situation to be 1 month from now and what can you do to make that happen? Waiting for her to change is only going to leave you frustrated and disappointed longer.

Forgive and back to normal, or forget friendship and try to stop thinking about it. I know it is easier said than done either way. Good luck.

Nothinglefttochoose Wed 06-Mar-19 06:58:49

@mamoon I tried to talk to her and she got defensive and blew up at me. She then tried to laugh it off and pretend like everything was fine. It really wasnt fine. Lots of other at the party were very concerned and thought she was basically an absolute bitch. I tried to play it down at the function because it was at another friends place with a lot of people i didn’t know and I didn’t want to make a scene (even though I was mortified and so embarrassed). It wa so bad I had people asking me if I was okay after she’d left.

HandbagsAtDawnOrMidday Wed 06-Mar-19 07:02:09

I'm not an organiser, everyone always seems busier than me so I just slot in.
I'm also not really a best friend type, I float around as an extra in a group, but I do highly value the friendship offered, am grateful and appreciate it's importance.
Unfortunately this does leave me vulnerable, when things go wrong I don't split the group by asking A if I've upset B I just sort of back away.

Why did n't you encourage your friend to take the lead when you were on good terms? If I sensed I'd still not been forgiven for a clumsy conversation months ago, I'd still be treading on egg shells round you waiting for you to take the lead as our normal dynamic.
(I had a well intentioned but clumsy moment six months ago, apologised but it has ruined years of mutual support and fun. By her actions it's clear she has used those ten minutes to move on and cut me out of a much larger group. It's made me very sad but I have now started explaining to others the chain of events when they ask, it doesn't reflect well on her way in the more socially powerful position)

BigButtons Wed 06-Mar-19 07:04:39

I have a 'friend' who will reprimand me( if i occasionally bump into her) for not contacting her and arranging to do stuff together. She has never once made the effort to contact me.

Nothinglefttochoose Wed 06-Mar-19 07:06:05

‘Handbagsatdawnormidday I don’t really understand what you’re getting at.

Mangetoutrodney Wed 06-Mar-19 07:13:43

OP this happened to me at the end of last year. Friend of 25 years lied to me - told me she couldn’t meet up as she was ill & then posted pictures on Facebook of being out with other people. Was so hurtful & I actually told her as much. She flipped out & blamed me which actually added to the insult to be honest! It’s hard to let go but in the end, you have to make room for new people who genuinely want to see you xx

mammoon Wed 06-Mar-19 07:16:11

OP, I had a friend like that. She treated me very badly and when I called her out on it, she acted as though it was a joke, and then got angry with me for bringing it up!

In hindsight, I think she was just emotionally immature and used to getting her own way. I withdrew from the friendship and she let it go. I don't have any hard feelings towards her (but who knows how she feels about me.) I guess what I'm saying is, if you think it's done, you can just withdraw as calmly and kindly as possible. There are some good resources online about breaking up with friends. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

Happygolucky009 Wed 06-Mar-19 07:25:03

@nothinglefttolose I confronted my best friend of 25 years about her making no effort in friendship and agreed i would leave her to arrange something. We havent been out for 2 yrs now and I have received messages previously about getting together, but no actual dates have been suggested. Sad but I realise that I don't even miss her as I realise the amount of compromise i needed to maintain the friendship

HK20 Wed 06-Mar-19 07:33:16

I went through something similar last year. There was a group of 3 of us who were best friends from school. We used to go out drinking together once every 3/4 months but it was never like there'd been a big break in between seeing each other.

Friend 1 and friend 2 had a fall out when they'd both had a bit to drunk. Friend 1 had just lost her grandmother (day before) and friend 2 was stressed with work.
I was always the one to instigate meet-ups and I was the one to get them talking again.

Friend 2 made very little effort with either of us after that. Friend 1 took a birthday card to her house etc but I was fed up of being the one to make the effort (we always made plans to do something for birthdays). Friend 2 said she'd get in touch to plan a meal, which never happened.

4 months later I found out I was pregnant - no contact from friend 2. Safe to say I've cut all ties.
I'm actually grateful that I realised who my true friends are before little one arrives!

Friends who are selfish are not real friends!

HandbagsAtDawnOrMidday Wed 06-Mar-19 07:39:22

Sorry OP, I don't understand either!
I think I'm trying to say you can change who organises stuff but only when things are 'normal'. If there's been an upset you need to get the friendship back to how it normally works before moving forward.

Generally, when you meet up, do you come away feeling happier? That's probably the true test of whether you have a future.

Wedgiecar58 Wed 06-Mar-19 07:44:45

Although it’s not nice she was rude to you, I would say 1 instance in 25 years is not bad going. She might have been having a bad day, or going through something privately. Doesn’t justify her bad behaviour but could be something to do with why she did that.

In terms of organising stuff, this wouldn’t particularly bother me. If she is always keen to meet when you suggest something, maybe that’s just the dynamic of your friendship. Have you always been the one to arrange getogethers? Why would you expect her to change now?

If it bothers you that much why don’t you just talk to her about it? Say something along the lines of you’re keen to see her and spend time together but as she never initiates it you’re confident that she is as invested as you are. Surely in a friendship that long you’re comfortable to bring up things with her?

Yogagirl123 Wed 06-Mar-19 07:47:58

Has anything changed in either of your lives, that may have caused your friend to be like this?

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