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AIBU thinking this relationship is progressing rather slowly?

(47 Posts)
Meccacos Wed 06-Mar-19 05:26:43

Hi all,

I wanted some perspective in relation to a new relationship. I'll give some background - but I want to make it clear that he does not have another family somewhere - I have met his friends and all of his family.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost six months now.

Some background (so I am not drip feeding), he was still married when we met and is currently finalising his property matters between them (i.e. splitting up their assets).

From the beginning the steps have been rather hard (and not what I have been used to). By steps I mean, before we progress to each stage in the relationship there has been some drama. I know we both have anxious attachment styles but a few things bother me, such as:

1. Very early on he went back on on-line dating after he said we were exclusive (I got over this, he started pulling away and I just let him be and he came back);

2. He took months before asking me to be his girlfriend and got angry when I asked how he would be introducing me to his friends;

3. He refused to add me on facebook because he was still friends (with his then wife) and their photos were everywhere;

4. His divorce has only very recently come through; and

5. For my birthday he got me a voucher to something I did not want even though I had been dropping massive hints. It felt like a token gift with no thought put into it whatsoever and I just felt empty. He didn't even go into the shop to buy it, he just ordered online the day before my birthday.

My primary issue right now is he schedules my sleepovers to one night per week and only on a weekend.

He works away and is often home at the weekend, but sometimes he is away for about 10 days (which means I see him every second weekend). Still, when he is back I am scheduled for one sleepover per weekend.

In past relationships I am used to sleeping over sometimes during the week and then both going to work the next day.

I have some health issues at present and have moved in with family, so he can't sleep at mine.

I have a bunch of surgery scheduled over the next few months (I'll need to go under at least three more times). He knows this but is keeping an open mind if all his property matters settle then he is most likely travelling overseas.

I don't have the money to travel and I have absolutely no leave as I have used it all for medical reasons.

My gut feeling is that while he professes to love me and constantly messages me while he is away - I am not seeing it. I feel like he is keeping things casual and controlled.

He moved in with his ex-wife very soon after they met, they travelled a lot together and made all these plans. It's been almost 6 months and I don't think we are going anywhere. We have no plans other than my scheduled time with him. I guess I am wondering if I am wasting my time?

But how do I bring this up? How do I say 'this doesn't feel typical of a new relationship?'

He just messaged me with a plan for the weekend - of when we will see each other and when I am allowed to sleep over and it just feels scripted. It feels like I am wasting my time, my physical and emotional energy and my resources.

For those of you who are married, was it ever this hard in the beginning and did it work out? I have been very sick from the beginning (health problems which have surfaced), he has gone through his divorce while we were together (they were separated for over a year before I even met him so I wasn't the other woman).

It would be wonderful if I might get some perspective, or how to approach this without ruining everything. Usually, if things seem hard I just end it. I am trying to break that pattern of behaviour. But it seems like the resentment is just building.

ZippyBungleandGeorge Wed 06-Mar-19 05:32:17

I gave up about a third of the way through, by he literally just ended a marriage, he's not ready to go in all guns blazing intuitive a full on relationship which seems reasonable. It's only been six months you're expecting a lot, this should be the fun exciting stage but you're taking about health issues and him supporting you after multiple surgeries when what he reacts to use his leave for is travel. End it, but because he is being unreasonable but because you're clearly in different places

ZippyBungleandGeorge Wed 06-Mar-19 05:33:16

Lots of autocorrects, it's very early, hopefully you get the gist

adaline Wed 06-Mar-19 05:39:13

He's not even divorced yet!

ADHMeeee Wed 06-Mar-19 05:40:09

Im with ZippyBungleandGeorge here.

You're in different places. And you need looking after right now; he couldnt care less.

Mrsbclinton Wed 06-Mar-19 05:45:38

He has just come out of a marriage/ divorce.
He is keeping things casual as he is not ready or keen for a full on relationship.
What would happen if you were unavailable to meet when he has scheduled you in?
Would he re arrange or do you have to wait till the following werkend?

It sounds to me like he wants a lot of time to himself. Are you sure he hasnt got another woman somewhere?

You deserve so much better but as long as you are with him I dont think your needs are going to be fulfilled.

pinkdelight Wed 06-Mar-19 05:47:44

"For those of you who are married, was it ever this hard in the beginning and did it work out?"

If you're wanting this one to lead to marriage, I suspect it will be a very, very long road. He's barely out of one marriage and won't be looking to settle down fast even if he has fallen for you (unintentionally by the sound of things). I wouldn't compare this to your usual rate of relationship progression nor to what he had with his wife. He's at a very different stage and six months is still early days, esp if you weren't exclusive for some time too. You're probably going to have to lower your expectations of commitment from him or check out of it as he can't give you what you want right now.

pinkdelight Wed 06-Mar-19 05:54:06

All the texting while he is away may say more about him than you. He is used to being with someone and wants that to carry on but he doesn't want the full commitment. He likes you - may have stronger feelings in his way - and doesn't want to be lonely, but his actions tells you what he is willing to invest right now and that's not much, understandably during a divorce. Sounds like you need to step back and take care of yourself emotionally and physically.

Meccacos Wed 06-Mar-19 05:57:13

@ADHMeeee

Thank you for replying. I think you hit the nail on the head as to why I am bothered right now.

I suppose 6 months in is too early for him to visit me in hospital, or to take any time off work, or to have sleep overs during the week (he often gets time off during the week as he sometimes works the weekend). I guess when I am sick it would be nice to have a romantic gesture. It is very possible that in a couple of months everything might be resolved (health related).

I guess I was really hurt that zero thought went into the birthday present. It was a computer printout for a voucher which was something he had previously suggested and I had categorically said no to... in writing.

I actually don't even want it - and I thought that as soon as I saw it and then felt bad.

KC225 Wed 06-Mar-19 06:00:40

He is keeping you at arms length. You are back burner woman - probably because he is not ready and understandably as he is not divorced. He has no business saying he loves you in order to keep you around just because he likes having someone to text whilst away and having sex once a week at his place.

If you want more, look elsewhere love because it will be more of this for a long long time.

ADHMeeee Wed 06-Mar-19 06:06:43

I know from my own experience, that getting into a relationship and needing a lot of medical care is stressful and awkward. I'm lucky my OH has stood by me but I'm permanently sick for life. I have questioned several times recently, just what he gets out of this. Its not for everyone.

evaperonspoodle Wed 06-Mar-19 06:07:34

OP you and him are looking for different things. I would end it.

AgentJohnson Wed 06-Mar-19 06:09:34

This is who he is! Romantic gestures and thoughtfulness aren’t his thing. Your not on the same page and he doesn’t want the same relationship as you do, don’t be a mug waiting around for him to be different.

Meccacos Wed 06-Mar-19 06:14:52

@pinkdelight

Thank you. His actions do say that he isn't willing to invest much.

It's just so disappointing. Everything. I think he doesn't like being alone and likes having someone to text. But he doesn't really care about me. Of all the things to get me for my birthday and it was really something you give to your mother on mother's day.

I just feel sad about the entire thing. Maybe he is thinking the exact same thing. Maybe he is feeling resentful that I got sick. I think that waiting so long to even get me the voucher (i.e. the day before) meant he never intended sticking around.

Meccacos Wed 06-Mar-19 06:25:09

@ADHMeeee
I am definitely not myself. It's multiple health issues right now. I am having to budget what surgeries I have and when to take time off work, what specialists I see and where to go to keep my costs down (scans etc). I think the issue is I pretend I am not in pain because I have got so used to being in pain that when it's something serious I won't get help until I can't walk.

But when he said he would likely go overseas and it being entirely dependent on what was happening with his ex. It really hurt. I didn't factor in at all.

In 6 months there's not been one weekend away, even though it was entirely possible to schedule one in. He's brought it up so many times - it just never happens.

Meccacos Wed 06-Mar-19 06:31:38

@evaperonspoodle
I think you are right. My concern is he will just become distant right before he goes overseas; I will get needy and then it will all implode.

I am really upset about the lack of care already. It won't get better.

Ilove31415926535 Wed 06-Mar-19 06:44:45

Oh darling, focus on yourself right now. The 1st 6 months should be exciting and fun and chilled out. This isn't.
Focus on your surgeries, get well, and then find someone who truly cares for you, in the way you want them to.
Wishing you all the best with your health issues flowerswine

Fiveredbricks Wed 06-Mar-19 06:55:56

He just ended his marriage. He is grieving and probably still in shock. You are a rebound for now. Move on. You do not want the same things and you seem to be very needy OP given you know the circumstances.

cordeliavorkosigan Wed 06-Mar-19 06:57:43

Seems like if he was really into you he'd find a way to be flexible, include weekdays, express how he felt etc. Either he is not that into you, or something weird is up. Either way - not the right person and time!
Go by what people do, not what they say.

Meccacos Wed 06-Mar-19 07:00:16

@Fiveredbricks

He already had two rebounds. I am not the first person.
I am not needy "given you know the circumstances"?
I am with family, so I am definitely not needy. I go to work, I have friends. That is a really catty comment and not something I will accept, given you now know the circumstances.

I don't like the organised method of my time being booked in advance for one night a week or every second week. That doesn't make me needy.

DisplayPurposesOnly Wed 06-Mar-19 07:14:36

Take back control: ditch him.

As PP said, judge him by his actions. He's just not that bothered, you aren't a priority. If someone doesn't offer you their attention, don't fight for it - walk away.

Sparklesocks Wed 06-Mar-19 07:20:57

It doesn’t seem like he is ready for a relationship yet and although likes having you around it’s very much on a casual basis and only on his terms. If you’re unhappy with the level of intimacy and affection in it then I think you need to walk away. Unfortunately sometimes we meet people at the wrong time and had you met earlier or later it would’ve been great, but we can’t force it.

Merryoldgoat Wed 06-Mar-19 07:26:25

You clearly want different things and, for me, the online dating atvthe start would be enough to end it.

Don’t waste anymore time. Get well and concentrate on you.

sighrollseyes Wed 06-Mar-19 07:28:04

Come on girl! 6 months out of a marriage .... you're rebound material that's all - sorry! You can do better.

GinUnicorn Wed 06-Mar-19 07:29:42

OP I hope your health improves - sounds horrible.

Unfortunately it sounds like this man just isn’t ready for a commitment. In the first six months it should be fun and he is clearly treating you as a casual option. It would be fine if that’s all you wanted but you seem to be on very different pages.

You deserve someone who treats you as a priority. Wish you luck with surgeries flowers

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