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AIBU to not want to go to sister's wedding?

(110 Posts)
Toxicity1984 Mon 04-Mar-19 23:58:20

My sister asked me to be Bridesmaid last year and we fell pregnant before they announced the date. Fast forward 9 months and little one is here and the wedding is in two weeks. Little one will be 6 weeks old.

With regard to dresses my sister had myself and the other Bridesmaid buy a dress online last summer. We tried one that I told her I didn't like as I had ordered the biggest size available and at 16 weeks pregnant felt it didn't fit, and therefore felt that with post baby belly the dress wouldn't fit. I suggested I wait until baby arrived and then find a dress that fit her colour scheme and fit my post baby belly, suggesting that both of us bridesmaids wait. She wanted to ensure that the other Bridesmaid and I were in the same dresses so we brought matching ones online last summer- me not having a clue whether it would fit.

The dress is strapless, I am breastfeeding and there isn't the material to get it taken out. I have shopped around and found alternatives to see whether she will be happy with me being Bridesmaid in any of the dresses that do fit - same floor length design, same colour etc. I have spent a fortune on trying to find a dress to suit and feel like I was more than reasonable when I was honest about the first dress and said I didn't know what post baby body would be like.

I messaged her this evening with pictures of the dresses and she is going to decide on the day whether I am in fact Bridesmaid or not. She further then asked that my partner and baby do not attend the ceremony and speeches but wait in the bar! This has infuriated me, as we have said all along my partner would be at the back ready to exit should little one make so much as a peep.....to now say that they aren't allowed to attend has really upset me. I feel like I should add we are travelling 300+ miles with a newborn and spending a fortune on hotel accommodation for it. I feel like she is excluding half my new little family from the wedding. I get it is her day and they don't want it ruined by a baby crying...but I am so upset and am seriously wondering whether it is worth the hassle of my little family travelling all that way!

Also there is more chance of my 7 month old nephew crying than my sleepy newborn....

Furthermore if we go all that way and she doesn't want me as Bridesmaid then I am inclined to spend the ceremony and speeches with my partner and baby rather than on my own in the audience. I'm saying this as a sleep deprived new mum, I do recognise it is my sister's wedding (and chances are I would stay for the ceremony).

I know an element of my upset will be hormones, but I also feel I have been reasonable throughout this whole fiasco. Am I being completely unreasonable to be contemplating not going? The whole saga so far has caused enough upset in the family, and I don't think it would be fair on my Mum who has been in the middle of this all, for me not to go...but I am considering it right now!

MyKingdomForBrie Tue 05-Mar-19 00:02:04

Not sure why it's caused so much chaos really! I'd have just made a generous guestimate on the dress and not made a fuss about it, then shovel myself in it and get on with it!

As for your dp and baby, well she's being a bridezilla and a dick but surely it'll be nicer for baby if they just chill in your hotel room or whenever until the meal..

Bookworm4 Tue 05-Mar-19 00:03:02

Tell her to find another mug! You've to wait until the day for her decision and your family have to wait outside? Has anyone else pointed out she's acting like a nutter?

drinkygin Tue 05-Mar-19 00:05:02

No you are not being unreasonable. She has every right to request your newborn and partner not be in her wedding, but you are 100% reasonable to not attend. She’s being really uncaring actually...you’re breastfeeding a newborn and that’s more important than her wedding. I’m normally totally pro people having childfree weddings if that’s what they want but I actually think your sister is being really selfish and demanding quite a lot of you. I wouldn’t go. Congrats on the baby x

LoniceraJaponica Tue 05-Mar-19 00:08:23

Are you the sister MyKingdom?
I think she is bring really unreasonable.

Teaandcrisps Tue 05-Mar-19 00:14:12

I think that you should go and prioritise what works best for you and baby - so many congratulations btw. Travelling all that way, living out of a suitcase as well as breastfeeding will seriously take up all your energy. I would take a chill pill on the dress and bridesmaid thing and focus on having a lovely time, seeing your family and with all your family seeing baby. Personally, I would ask not to be a bridesmaid and stay a guest - that way you have the opportunity to sneak off when you need to sleep/breastfeed/have a bit if time out. It's your sisters big day, so I would take away the stress of her having to make a last minute decision.
Do you particularly want to be a bridesmaid?

NWQM Tue 05-Mar-19 00:16:04

Do you mean she is waiting to see the dress before deciding if you can be bridesmaid?

I'd be sending the dresses back and stepping down from the job. Wear something you or buy something you'd wear again.

She's reflected and effectively taken back your partners invite - he can wait in the bar, honestly - so I can see why you'd be re thinking. Not going though is a big thing that will be remembered forever. I'd be asking her clearly where that's what she means. She's had your whole pregnancy to figure out that you'd have a very small baby there. Perhaps though the penny has only just dropped that she'll be sharing the limelight a little.

Misschipmunk Tue 05-Mar-19 00:24:23

Wow! If that was my sister I’d high five her in the face. The fact your travelling 300+ miles with your new family and she expects your husband and baby to sit out is bang out of order! My wedding is in 3 weeks and my 2 year old nephew is coming only thing I requested was if he starts screaming for someone to sit with him in one of the other rooms or walk him around the gardens not to interrupt the vows during the silence. Your absolutely NOT being unreasonable . Maybe sit and have a word with your sister telling her it upset you. If that doesn’t work ... tell her shove her wedding invite where the sun don’t shine

AutumnCrow Tue 05-Mar-19 00:26:53

Step away from the madness

runninginheelsisnotfun Tue 05-Mar-19 00:27:27

Sorry you are going through this. Bf and newborns are hard work! Emotions are at an all time high and add that to the stress of a wedding and you have the perfect storm on your hands.

I have been on both sides on the equation unfortunately. My bridesmaid had a baby 8 weeks before my wedding and then I had a baby 6 weeks before I was bridesmaid.

You ANBU to want to duck out of bridesmaid duties if you like, I had this option and offered this option. It's a huge responsibility and trying to fit feeding around a schedule is a nightmare. It is the brides big day and the bridal party and wedding schedule cant work around a hungry baby. It isn't fair on you or the rest wedding party. If baby decides he wants a feed right before you head for the ceremony you can't not feed him but you can't delay the ceremony either. It's a tough situation.

On both occasions bridesmaid duties went ahead. I had a relative look after my baby outside of the ceremony and bring her too me when she needed fed during the reception. I expressed when we were getting ready and there was a bottle feed during the ceremony and pictures- not ideal! It was a child free wedding and I respected that, it was my choice to be there and to be fair a wedding reception with really loud music and drunk people is not really the best environment for a newborn. Same happened at my wedding with my nephew, he wasn't around much either but was well cared for and fed when needed.

Its not a personal attack on the baby, she isn't excluding him, if he were a little older then would most likely be there. The fear of a baby crying just as you say I DO or in the middle of your hard thought out emotional vows is stressful. Even if they are taken outside, the distraction already happened, everyone already turned to look and the moment is gone. That moment means more to her to experience uninterrupted than for your DH to witness from the back. Let her have her moment. Right now it's the most important thing in her life. He won't care about missing the vows, she will care that everyone was looking at the back of the room during their first kiss or couldn't hear the I DO because of a wail.

With regards to telling you on the day... tell her to F right off! That is not on and totally unreasonable.

humpydumpybumpy Tue 05-Mar-19 00:42:45

I have no patience with bridezillas who make what should be a lovely day into a nightmare, so I wouldn't go. That is a very long way to go for your young family, and then for 2/3 of your family to not be allowed at the wedding is quite frankly ridiculous.

Congrats on your new baby Opflowers

JustOneShadeOfGrey Tue 05-Mar-19 00:48:20

Your sister sounds very immature and stressed. Sounds like she hadn’t thought the dress thing through last year and assumed you were exaggerating what a baby does to a mum’s body!

(BTW what’s with the bridesmaids buying their own dresses??)

Personally I’d relish the idea of not attending the ceremony and sitting in the bar - but to be told to do it is just not on.

Modern brides really do think the whole world stops for their nuptials

LellyMcKelly Tue 05-Mar-19 00:49:50

You could just say you really want to attend the wedding and celebrate with her, but given you won’t be able to wear the bridesmaid dress it would make more sense if you attend as a regular guest and give her the opportunity to find a friend who could be a bridesmaid in your place.

JustOneShadeOfGrey Tue 05-Mar-19 00:53:01

Oops, wonky thumb made me post!

OP YANBU but don’t decide to not go to the wedding. Sit at the back with your little family and you can nipnout if baby is unsettled.

Tell your sister that you are feeling very upset you will spoil her big day by not wearing a matching dress and by breastfeeding you will be too distracted to give her the focus she deserves. Obviously this is all said tongue in cheek. The bride is too wrapped up in herself to notice, no doubt!

IncrediblySadToo Tue 05-Mar-19 01:05:53

‘sister’

I am not travelling 300 miles for you to look me up & down to decide if I look atttractive enough to be your bridesmaid or not. I have gone out of my way to look for a suitable dress because I thought you wanted ME, your sister, to be your bridesmaid, not some barbie doll. Do you really think I’m going to get dressed up, to stand in front of you, for you to decide if I’m attractive enough to be part of your bridal party. Shove that.

I seriously cannot believe you think that’s even remotely acceptable.

OP

Purpleartichoke Tue 05-Mar-19 01:07:45

I would ask her to make a decision now and tell her you think it’s best that you attend as a guest. That way you can find a dress that is breastfeeding friendly. I’m thinking back to my cousin who barely squeezed herself into a strapless gown 6 weeks postpartum and had to fully disrobe every time she had to nurse.

Weezol Tue 05-Mar-19 01:07:59

So your partner has to sit in the bar with DC while everyone else sits down to three courses? I think the other guests will be wondering wtf that's about. How does your partner feel about this?

She'll decide on the day whether you are a bridesmaid? How very benevolent of her. She seems more concerned about how the photos look than having you there.

I wouldn't be travelling 3 miles for someone with that attitude, never mind 300.

fargo123 Tue 05-Mar-19 01:35:19

My sister was a similar bridezilla. I didn't attend the wedding and have never had any regrets.

Misschipmunk Tue 05-Mar-19 01:47:09

@fargo123 straight up honesty! 😂

Nothinglefttochoose Tue 05-Mar-19 01:49:43

Don’t go! Your sister is beyond rude.

Limpshade Tue 05-Mar-19 02:06:45

I think she's got a bit carried away with wanting everything to be perfect and forgotten about what's important, actually. This sometimes happens to usually sane women in the lead up to their weddings and I have no idea why.

For context, my SIL had a youngish baby at our wedding. She had a bridesmaid dress she could comfortably feed/pump in and obviously the baby was welcome for the entire day, although SIL took her off to bed in our hotel venue during the early evening. Obviously I let her work out what was easiest for her regarding each aspect of the day and went with that BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE DO.

OP, just sigh and grit your teeth. Put on the dress you feel most comfortable in and let her decide on the day what she wants. Also, she probably won't notice if your baby is asleep at the back of the venue anyway. Let her be Bridezilla and when she has kids of her own she will realise (hopefully a little shamefully) what a knob she was to you.

KickAssAngel Tue 05-Mar-19 02:20:05

How much do you want to see the rest of your family? Personally, I'd happily skip being bridesmaid and join the party after because I'd want to see people.

If you want to be there because it's a big gathering, you could go, tell her that you'll bow out gracefully now from being a bridesmaid as you know you won't do the job fully with such a young baby. Then I'd skip the wedding part, relax in the hotel room with family during the wedding (lie and say you slipped in at the back for a few minutes but then had to leave) and then enjoy the food/drink/social as much as possible.

If you don't want to be there at all, brief your mum first, then bite the bullet. Tell her you clearly can't do the job so it's better for her (and you) to miss it, but you wish her well and will be thinking of her. Then recoup as much money as possible.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 05-Mar-19 02:21:24

Your sister is mad. Stay home with your lovely little family and leave her to it.

stayathomer Tue 05-Mar-19 02:27:37

I know an element of my upset will be hormones

Nope, non hormonal person here telling you your sister has gone totally bridezilla on this! Personally I'd go because of what it is, possible regrets in the future, but I don't know wh a t you do about your poor child and dh sitting at a bar. Is there other members of family you can talk to about this ( sorry if I've missed their opinions upthread!)? Congratulations on the baby OP

timeisnotaline Tue 05-Mar-19 02:35:26

It’s not hormones op. I too think you should decline being a bridesmaid, claim the stress of thinking about turning up and being judged to see if you look acceptable for her wedding is making your milk dry up and for your baby’s health you need to decline. Because I’m on board with meeting batshit with batshit, it doesn’t sound like reason will get you anywhere. Remember she can’t make you be a bridesmaid.

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