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AIBU and a shit friend, or is she BU and a shit friend?

(59 Posts)
Februaryblooms Mon 04-Mar-19 22:39:08

I've got a friend I don't see in RL due to us now living a long way apart, but we do chat often on Facebook.

The problem is she's extremely high volume with contact. I care about her of course, but she's very needy.

she spends alot of the time we talk moaning about others or complaining about how tired she is (we are both pregnant, I'm 33 weeks and she is 8) and whilst I obviously can obviously empathise I don't want to be chatting about it every day listening to a rundown of what she's had for eat today or partaking in "bitching" sessions about people who have done me no wrong.

I've been hugely supportive toward her for the past 18 months as she's been TTC and battling some insecurity issues regarding her partners ex, which she does tell me she appreciates so it's not as though I haven't been a good friend and counselled her to the detriment of my own free time, constantly.

I do find the volume of contact suffocating as I'm an introvert who enjoys peace and don't like being at people's beck and call with my phone pinging all day every day.

I did put my feelings secondary to her desire to chat daily which was my first mistake as now i feel as though it's now expected of me.

I've decided to put my self first (for once - a rarity for me) and stop responding straight away sometimes leaving a day or so between replies and not opening the messages as soon as they arrive, I've told her previously that sometimes I like to enjoy my own peace and quiet and stay off my phone to enjoy family time so it's not as though she'd be inclined to assume I'm being off with her personally.

Shortly after me implementing the change she has started posting quotes about "so called friends" acting differently and changing when something new is coming (I presume she's referring to unborn DD who's almost due) then some catty memes about cutting people off when they start acting differently which I assume are directed towards myself due to the timing.

Am I being unreasonable or paranoid to think she's acting like a bit of a tit?

I've spent 18 months being there for her and listening to her every thought, rant, concern, headache, insecurity issues, jealousy, struggles of being a step mum, when her partner gets on her nerves.

Not once have I ever offloaded anything or my own onto her, not that there hasn't been alot of crap going on behind the scenes on my end.

Surely I'm entitled to unwind and relax a bit in the last stretch of my own pregnancy or does slowing down the volume of contact make me a shit friend?

arethereanyleftatall Mon 04-Mar-19 22:40:45

Yanbu, I couldn't be arsed with this.

Cherrysoup Mon 04-Mar-19 22:43:26

She’s an emotional vampire. I would back away at 100mph or as fast as poss bearing in mind you’re about due! You don’t need stress in your life. Because I’m an absolute botch, I’d find (or make) a meme about how some ‘friends’ take and never give back.

BMW6 Mon 04-Mar-19 22:44:30

Personally I'd call time on this "friendship" as she sounds like a right mardy cow.

Februaryblooms Mon 04-Mar-19 22:44:32

I really can't be arsed with it myself, I was gradually reducing contact for a little bit of peace and quiet with no negative feelings to her whatsoever but the subliminal digs are making me wish she'd just do one.

I then feel bad for thinking that because it's not in my nature to be mean to people.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 04-Mar-19 22:44:57

Ugh. She needs a therapist and you are not her therapist. Block and move on.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty Mon 04-Mar-19 22:45:02

I've had this

And I'm very vocal now, particularly with the more vulnerable of my friends, to remind them I often miss messages due to being busy/ phone on quiet/ phone dead/ being overwhelmed and unable to take in what I'm reading, and/or formulate an appropriate response.

Its usually fine, sometimes it has helped a friendship naturally drift away but thats not always a sad thing. Some people dont realise what energy vampires they are.

Singlenotsingle Mon 04-Mar-19 22:46:06

Couldn't be arsed with that. I'd just quietly unfriend her.

Jenniferb21 Mon 04-Mar-19 22:47:01

Isn’t life too short to have people in your life who don’t bring you happiness? I’d rather have a few very good valuable friends than loads of friends who aren’t true friends to me.

To me, friends share the same values x

Drum2018 Mon 04-Mar-19 22:47:11

YANBU. How does she know you're not ill for example. Putting up these quotes after a couple of days of no/low contact is a bit extreme. I'd completely ignore those posts and just text her in a couple more days casually asking how are things. However if she calls you rather than texts back, then feel free to ignore the call until a time it suits you to sit and chat. If you can manage to stretch out the calls and maybe chat once a week or fortnight from now on then do that. In any case you probably won't have as much time for long chats when baby arrives.

Grumpelstilskin Mon 04-Mar-19 22:48:59

Unfollow and ignore. This is not a real friend but someone using you. You're not being mean, she is an entitled shitgibbon. Focus on you and the remainder of your pregnancy. You won't have time for her as soon as your baby is born. And you won't care either because your priorities will change and your child will naturally come first.

Februaryblooms Mon 04-Mar-19 22:52:08

We used to chat on the phone every couple of weeks (alongside chatting on facebook) but I've found the calls to be even more draining than the constant Facebook messaging.

I don't mind small talk and enjoy chewing the fat with friends I haven't caught up with in a while but it feels as though I'm just an emotional crutch to offload all of her baggage onto.

I genuinely have never met anybody who moans so much blush

Emotional vampire sounds extremely fitting.

Februaryblooms Mon 04-Mar-19 22:54:17

I forgot to add I already have a young child at home who takes up all of my spare time (14 month old toddler) so when DD arrives I'll have even less free time than I have now.

At first i thought perhaps I was the unusual one for not wanting to chat every day, I'm fully aware that I'm an introvert but now I'm pretty sure even the most extroverted of us would find this tiresome.

Luckingfovely Mon 04-Mar-19 22:56:26

It's not you, it's her.

kalinkafoxtrot45 Mon 04-Mar-19 22:58:49

You’re fine. She sounds extremely trying.

EmeraldShamrock Mon 04-Mar-19 23:03:45

Yanbu. You will not have time in a few weeks. You do not need the stress right now, Definitely do not reply straight away, block her posts but I would probably give it 4weeks, if you can until she is the 12weeks, especially as she sounds like very dramatic.
She sounds like a right pain in the ass, You must have the patience of a saint to put up with this friendship for so long.
I am a bit of an introvert, I would have a complete breakdown dealing with her.

Februaryblooms Mon 04-Mar-19 23:11:30

Feeling reassured that people don't think it's my introversion that's the problem or that I'm being ignorant!

I've considered coming off social media altogether for a while, because of her alone, but think that's a bit drastic.

I will be unfollowing her posts now as I can't be bothered to see unnecessary pettiness directed at me for no good reason.

Lindy2 Mon 04-Mar-19 23:18:00

She sounds like hard work.
When baby arrives I doubt you'll have the time or energy to get involved in her dramas.
I'd say your plan of leaving gaps between messages is a good one. If it means she messages you less then that's her choice.

gobbin Mon 04-Mar-19 23:33:12

When baby arrives you have a perfect excuse to reduce contact to zero. Don’t be afraid to use it. Surely she can’t argue with ‘no time’, ‘no sleep’, ‘feed/bath/play/pram/park/visiting friends/relatives/soft play/tea party/other toddler reason’ time.

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 04-Mar-19 23:34:55

I grew with the emotional vampire conclusion. What are you getting out of the relationship?

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 04-Mar-19 23:35:25

agree not grew!

Februaryblooms Mon 04-Mar-19 23:45:50

I'm getting absolutely bugger all from the relationship, I kept the door open for her benefit only as she was forever telling me how glad she was to have me as a friend and how my support has been priceless.

Time to cut ties me thinks!

Placebogirl Tue 05-Mar-19 00:02:38

While the level of contact she is expecting is clearly unreasonable, you could actually be up front that it is too much rather than just quietly binning her. No, you don't have to, and no, she has no right to post all those catty messages, but given that you are dealing with someone who sounds very insecure being up front would be the kind thing to do.

ReanimatedSGB Tue 05-Mar-19 00:04:00

Just ignore the whiny bitch. She'll find someone else to feed off soon enough.

Dieu Tue 05-Mar-19 00:06:31

She's a twat and you're lovely.
You either have to have some harsh words with her, or bin and move on.

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