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Ex wants me to screw with sleep pattern so he gets visitation?

(229 Posts)
Badidas5 Mon 04-Mar-19 21:27:01

Separated from ex whilst I was pregnant. I live about 50 minutes away from him now. He was abusive emotionally towards me and I left. We have a son together and he obviously wants to see his son. He never gets home from work before 5. My son is now in a routine (he's 5 months old) and is always asleep between 7 and 8. I'm trying to explain that this is the pattern Our son is in naturally, and I've tried explaining this. He's just reached a point where he does the same thing every night. It's beneficial for me and a pattern that suits both of us.

He wants me to change his whole pattern so he gets longer with him on a weekday. I've said no, it's not beneficial to our son. I'm already travelling almost an hour there and about hour back for a short period of time so he can see him.

I'm close to just saying no and only doing weekend contact. He wants 2 evenings on a weekday and it just doesn't work. I've changed my working hours drastically to suit my son's needs. Taken a significant pay decrease so I can be there to pick him up and take him to nursery every day. He just says 'I finish at 5 sorry' - that's it.

What am I to do? AIBU? Should I really consider changing my son's whole routine

Badidas5 Thu 21-Mar-19 22:40:36

Absolutely awful sad

gambaspilpil Wed 20-Mar-19 16:59:46

Badidas5 how are things now?

CheshireChat Sat 09-Mar-19 21:06:50

Baby steps- first you'll say yes but,

then it'll be not today

then it'll be no!

And saying no will become a nice, healthy habit.

Changed things as it made no sense!

CheshireChat Sat 09-Mar-19 21:05:11

Baby steps- first you'll say yes, but, then it'll not today then it'll no!

And saying no when you should be refusing will become a nice, healthy habit

Badidas5 Sat 09-Mar-19 20:56:51

I feel sick 😩

RandomMess Sat 09-Mar-19 20:52:37

Half way is progress, next week your town grin

Badidas5 Sat 09-Mar-19 20:50:59

Thanks @RandomMess

He came by tonight because he had my new passport in his car. I'm so scared of him. I stupidly agreed to meet him in the week half way. I'm so pathetic but I just COULDNT say no to him. I just don't have the strength to and I'm scared of his reaction. I hate myself right now because all I can think about is finding an excuse not to meet him now. I'm going to be seen to be messing him around. This is all going to make ME look bad I can just tell.

I'm so pathetic sad

RandomMess Sat 09-Mar-19 20:40:49

You need to very consciously stop replying to all/any of his texts.

Every text you receive come here and we will tell you what (if anything to reply). You could reply "I need to consult by legal advisor before I respond" wink if it would make you feel better.

Badidas5 Sat 09-Mar-19 20:37:02

Yeah I'm going to ignore thatsuggestion lol.

I'm just a fool I guess. I'm so scared he's going to be nice and charming and I'm going to be made to look a fool. I so hope that's not the case.

GreenTulips Sat 09-Mar-19 20:31:55

Can't he come to you 6pm til 7pm and get involved in bath time and read him a story?

Ah problem solved in on sentance ....why didn’t we all think of that?

FluffySlipperSocks Sat 09-Mar-19 20:28:10

Can't he come to you 6pm til 7pm and get involved in bath time and read him a story?

Graphista Sat 09-Mar-19 20:27:22

"I'm trying to work out if it's a threat or not." I'd ask him what he means by that. Make him put it in writing, hopefully shoot himself in the foot! But yes I'd take it as a threat. He's panicking cos he knows he's losing his control of you.

If he means court, great! Bring it on!

If you can provide evidence of abuse you might be able to get legal aid. If you can't you can still self represent and there's other options of charitable support there even.

Heard good things on here about these people

https://www.ncdv.org.uk

Also remember taking you to court is cost and hassle for him too, I doubt very much he actually wants to do that. My ex took me to court cost him £10,000's and in the end he got awarded LESS contact than I was offering and which he wasn't making use of anyway!

"Before court there is mediation (you can insist on shuttle mediation) - court is a long way off!!!!" This too. When my ex took me to court it was before this was the procedure. Mediation will also cost him money so again he's not really gonna want to do that.

"Nope he's not paying anything yet." He should be but this is further proof he doesn't WANT to shell out ANY money wrt this situation.

Get onto cms ASAP and get a claim in.

"That he's not paying CMS is abominable, and he won't want the court finding out that" it is abominable, however as maintenance and contact are legally separated you're not even allowed to mention it in court.

But as pp rightly say that's a LONG way off anyway, even back when you weren't required to try/consider meditation first it took months to even get initial date let alone anything else. This guy hasn't the stamina for that I'm betting.

He's in your head and he's got you convinced he has some kind of super powers - he hasn't! He's just a pathetic bully lashing out because he's losing control of his victim.

RandomMess Sat 09-Mar-19 20:17:50

Why are you having dialogue with him?

Thus is the abuse cycle being nice to reel you back in to get what he wants then the control starts again...

Do not communicate with him at all beyond offering contact in your home town. Literally nothing else at all ever.

thefirst48 Sat 09-Mar-19 20:14:51

Why are you engaging with this man?

Badidas5 Sat 09-Mar-19 20:08:32

Of course I hope he is changing for the good, I just don't believe he can...

Badidas5 Sat 09-Mar-19 20:07:32

I'm scared he's going to turn in to mr lovely until this is all settled and he'll fool everyone in to thinking he's mr wonderful.

Badidas5 Sat 09-Mar-19 20:06:33

He's now being super nice to me. I pointed out something quite bad that he did today and he's just agreeing and apologising now. I should be happy but he's playing a game. Being super nice and lovely saying things like 'I'm not going to have a go at you you know, I don't bite. You can tell me anything' - I can see through it but I fear others won't.

thefirst48 Sat 09-Mar-19 13:21:01

So he doesn't pay anything towards his child but expects you to put your hand in your pocket whilst on smp to pay for fuel for him to see his child. Let him take you to court and please phone CMS and make him pay for his child!

Catalicious Sat 09-Mar-19 12:46:45

Oh lovely. You're so focused on the worst case scenario and believing his threats - and he wants you to be afraid.

You've had amazing advice - let your mum send all the communication. She will find it much easier to say 'this is what we can offer' and just repeat. That he's not paying CMS is abominable, and he won't want the court finding out that. If he won't spend on his child now, you think he'll spend on court fees? This is all about him controlling you. You are already doing the very best you can. Enough, now. You don't need to be afraid. We all back you up.

chuttypicks Sat 09-Mar-19 12:43:40

Tell him to piss off and take you to court if he wants.

Skyejuly Sat 09-Mar-19 12:41:44

I did. I didn't really have a choice since a solicitor had said mediation wouldn't work. The court did put in place security measures and I didnt have to be near him and someone sat between us. Xx

RandomMess Sat 09-Mar-19 12:34:47

You are getting so way ahead of yourself court will cost him effort, time and money...

It's not in his radar because at the moment he's still got you running around doing it all!!!

One step at a time, take back control comes first. It's highly likely he won't bother with contact because he's an abusive deadbeat.

TowelNumber42 Sat 09-Mar-19 12:33:37

I doubt very much he will take you to court.

Cut off his fix, which is abusing you, and after a brief rage he will most likely disappear from your life.

Even if he does take you to court, it would be ages before any hearing so you will have time to build strength.

You are still in an abusive relationahip for as long as you let him continue intruding on your life with his messages, face time etc. You are still jumping to his tune. Don't.

Badidas5 Sat 09-Mar-19 12:29:00

Would it be wise to represent myself against my abusive ex? I can't even bring myself to send him a text message at times let alone sit in court with him <bites nails>

Skyejuly Sat 09-Mar-19 12:22:40

You wont have to pay if you represented yourself x

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