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AIBU To not know what to do about this anymore?

(72 Posts)
ShadyLady53 Mon 04-Mar-19 20:22:46

I posted before about this situation;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3416523--What-s-your-address

Basically, I man that I met via volunteering had started making a nuisance of himself via text and email and had asked for my address for no good reason. I was under the impression he may be interested in me but he never directly asked me out so I couldn't turn him down. I had given him clear messages that I didn't want to meet up. I was starting to feel uncomfortable but he hasn't done anything terrible or illegal. To make matters worse, we have mutual friends. I chickened out of doing a gig for these friends and the charity to avoid seeing this man again. Back in early November I sent him one final message saying I didn't want mail from him and I would not give my address. I have ignored all contact from him since and sadly, stopped meeting up with our mutual friends.

Since then he has emailed at least once a month and text several times. He sends long messages as if he thinks we are still having a conversation. I haven't seen him since September but he's still going on about things from then. For example, I mentioned someone I found inspiring back then, to everyone in the room, not just then and at Christmas he sent me a long email review of his opinions of a film of their's that he watched and he's just emailed now saying I've inspired him to go and see a play this weekend.

He sent texts last month about an event thats happening in the summer talking as if we were going. The first one was a long text with him telling me about the event, then 20 minutes later talking as if I'd accepted to go and telling me about the facilities at the place the event was being held, again a long text. I blocked his number from my phone but can't stop the emails. He'd also sent me a message when I'd been ill saying "Hi Shady, hope you're feeling better now" and this really freaked me out because there was no way of him knowing I'd been sick. I'm not on social media and, as I say, have been avoiding our mutual friends. He works in IT and had previously sent me some art work that needed to be downloaded and I started to panic that he'd installed spyware on my devices. My iPhone was playing up (freezing, turning itself on and off) so I did a factory re-set and I've had no problems since. His most recent email included something to download (a poster for an event he wants me to go to), which obviously I haven't clicked on.

He's never made any reference to the fact that I've ignored any contact from him for the past four months. He continues to talk as though I'm in his life and has just sent an apology that he hasn't asked me to be involved in a charity event he's organised and said it's because he knows how hectic and busy my life is?! I just find it all so weird and don't know how to handle it. It's like he's got some sort of imaginary relationships with me in his head. I know for a fact that he is completely neurotypical and I've known him several years. It's only since the summer that he has been behaving like this.

I don't know what to do about one mutual friend in particular. I really like her but she thinks the world of him and frequently arranges for us all to meet up. I never want to see this man again and I don't want him to know anything about my life. So far, I've kept making excuses over why I haven't been able to meet up because I don't want to put her in an awkward position or create and atmosphere and I don't think she'll understand why I feel uncomfortable. It's got to the point where I'm on the verge of ghosting her.

I've spoken about it all tonight with a friend that is like my sister, we are exceptionally close but she doesn't know him and she just kept saying "awww bless him, he lurrrrves you" and "Ah he sounds harmless, he's just lonely and needs some company". If that's her response, then what chance do I have with my friend who thinks the world of this man?

AIBU to think I can't really do anything about this situation? I've just got to cut my losses and accept I've lost a lovely friend?

RhodaChrosite Mon 04-Mar-19 20:30:21

I’m no tech expert but you should be able to block his email address.
I think If the mutual friend cant respect that although she thinks the world of this man, you don’t feel comfortable in his presence and don’t want any contact with him, then she’s not that good a friend. I’ve a friend who my other friends don’t like and I absolutely respect that they don’t. I don’t talk about him with them and wouldn’t try convince them he’s really lovely. You like who you like.

naturelover24 Mon 04-Mar-19 20:31:53

Hey OP - I'm sorry you've been going through this. It sounds really creepy and stressful, and if my best friend had acted so blasé about the situation when confiding in her, I'd think I was going crazy! This man sounds like he's got some issues - either in a horrible, manipulative way where he knows he's freaking you out and he's doing it on purpose, or perhaps he's got something wrong with him and he genuinely thinks you have some kind of relationship. Would you consider taking your laptop/phone etc. to a computer shop and explain that you're worried about spyware or malware, and ask them to check it? I know it's a frustrating thing to spend money on, but it could help to put your mind at rest, and it would really freak me out thinking someone was watching me or tracking how I use my electronic devices. There is also potentially a basis for a harassment complaint, as he is clearly making you feel very uncomfortable and paranoid, and the way he is acting has forced you to change your behaviour with regards to no longer seeing all of your mutual friends. You have made it very clear you no longer want to hear from him, but he has ignored your requests, and continues to make you feel uncomfortable. It may be worth seeking advice from your local police station about what further steps to take. You may also consider changing your email address so that he no longer contacts you in this way, although this can be a pain. Hope that you feel better about this soon. X

Outnotdown Mon 04-Mar-19 20:41:56

I agree that I would tell your mutual friend and hope that she gets what you're saying. She doesn't have to agree with your opinion of this man, she just has to respect your opinion on it and hopefully meet you without him there.

He sounds creepy to the point of being sinister. I would consider reporting your concerns to police and seeking their advice about how to handle it.

Best of luck!

stopfuckingshoutingatme Mon 04-Mar-19 20:47:24

Make a report at police station

Write to friends stating that you are scared and freaked out . That despite ignoring and blocking him he continues to hararsss you and you need their support NOT this bullshit
Send a recent article about stalking info it helps your case

Consider deleting every single email
He send without reading them and then deleting the deleted

Your friends are minimising this and it’s not right or fair

ShadyLady53 Mon 04-Mar-19 20:47:35

Thank you both. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard to confide in the mutual friend. Like you've both said, she wouldn't be much of a true friend to treat me badly over it but everyone just seems to think he's totally harmless and like I'm making a fuss over nothing. I had a problem with a genuine stalker and it took 15 years (it started when I was a child/teenager) for anyone to take me seriously. Attitudes were the same for years, "he's harmless" and I actually felt guilty and like it was somehow my fault.

The messages themselves are friendly and there's nothing inherently wrong with them, they are just persistent, annoying and weird given the fact that I've been ignoring him for months and was quite curt with him before that.

I've tried to practice what i'd say to this friend but I find it really hard to not sound manipulative or mean. I don't for a second want to ruin her friendship with him but I don't want to be forced to have him in my life either and need her to understand why I might decline offers to meet up in a group.

VelvetPineapple Mon 04-Mar-19 20:50:21

Redirect his emails straight to trash. Ignore and keep ignoring. Any response from you, even to say get lost, will fan the flames.

ShadyLady53 Mon 04-Mar-19 20:51:00

Sorry cross posted, thanks for the further advice!

Would the police really take this seriously? I feel like it's a personal matter and I'd just be wasting their time.

I've even considered emailing back one last time saying, "I do not want any further contact. Stop." but I feel like he may be totally clueless as to the fact that he's done anything wrong.

Am very frustrated with myself to for being an adult responsible woman who is completely incapable of dealing with such a stupid situation!

dragonsfire Mon 04-Mar-19 20:52:38

Can block his number and email

user1473878824 Mon 04-Mar-19 20:53:46

I was stalked by someone like this from Twitter, who sent a big Valentine’s package to my work, which is when I contacted the police. I’d never spoken to him. He wrote me a 45 page notebook that made it clear he thought we were spies and in a relationship. He was eventually sectioned.

Reply to him once and tell him you do not want him to contact you in any way at all, ever again. If he persists, call the police.

SrSteveOskowski Mon 04-Mar-19 20:54:32

I agree with some of the other posters OP. Go to the police. He's persistently harassing you despite being told to stop.

RandomMess Mon 04-Mar-19 21:00:11

You already sent a message saying you didn't want mail an he's ignored it so go to the police thanks

ralphfromlordoftheflies Mon 04-Mar-19 21:00:48

I found your OP absolutely chilling and I can't believe your friends have minimised this so much. I would be furious if I were you, with him and also with my friends. And I think that you should speak to the police, or consider speaking to them if he makes any further contact with you after you message him asking him not to contact you again.

WTFIsAGleepglorp Mon 04-Mar-19 21:06:50

If you're going down the police route, save the emails and texts without reading them.

They'll need to see evidence.

bionicnemonic Mon 04-Mar-19 21:07:08

If you haven’t already I really would urge you to contact the mural friend and let them know not only the you feel uncomfortable but to get their reassurance that they will not divulge your address or any other information about you. It’s very disturbing

Chloemol Mon 04-Mar-19 21:09:29

Block his phone so no texts. Set his email address to go to junk mail so you don’t see if, or just delete unopened

ShadyLady53 Mon 04-Mar-19 21:27:57

Thanks everyone. I'm not sure about the police as it doesn't seem serious/unsafe. It's just repeated emails and texts (but I've blocked his number now). If he was turning up at places I go, work, home etc or if the messages were threatening in some way I wouldn't hesitate but I feel like I'd just be wasting valuable police time.

I do think I need to be careful with information that my friend may be giving him. It's just making that first step and telling her. I hate confrontation and I feel like I've never had the experience of people taking my concerns seriously when I've had genuine cause in the past. I'm just expecting to be told I'm being ridiculous and told that he's a lovely guy and I'm making mountains out of molehills.

This isn't normal though, is it? For someone to just keep sending these long monologues and saying he hopes to see me soon when I've been ignoring him for months?

SofaSurfer20 Mon 04-Mar-19 21:29:14

He's creepy AF and be honest with your pal. Tell her about all the texts and emails and that you find it creepy because he knows stuff about you he shouldn't.

Also be straight forward with him. Email him once saying you don't want to be friends and appreciate it if he doesn't message you again. Then send his emails to junk.

Fiveredbricks Mon 04-Mar-19 21:30:46

He is stalking you. You need to contact the police asap and file a report. This isn't innocent. He is mentally unwell and not harmless at all. This is how it starts.

Fiveredbricks Mon 04-Mar-19 21:31:53

Also for all you know he is turning up at places you go to and work. You just aren't looking for him iyswim.

ShadyLady53 Mon 04-Mar-19 21:37:29

Actually, that might be a good way approaching it with the mutual friend. I could ask if she has any concerns over his mental health and explain I've had to distance myself from him as he has been behaving very oddly towards me and it's freaked me out. I think if I approach her with "Has John been unwell with his mental health recently? I've been really troubled by the amount of unwanted communication I've been receiving from him. It's very odd. I don't feel comfortable having any contact with him anymore" then she might take it a bit better.

user1473878824 Mon 04-Mar-19 21:39:18

Please listen to @Fiveredbricks

ShadyLady53 Mon 04-Mar-19 21:39:41

@Fiveredbricks it would be really obvious that he was there given the nature of my places of work and hobbies. He couldn't hide or sneak around.

Also we don't even live in the same city, not that that would particularly make a difference. But I am someone who is hyper vigilant and I'd definitely know.

Howzaboutye Mon 04-Mar-19 21:42:05

Contact the police to report his behaviour.
This is not normal.
It is stalking.

Read The Fear by Gavin de Beker.
Very informative book, it will give you lots of info.

Stay safe X

ShadyLady53 Mon 04-Mar-19 21:43:31

Thanks, I've read The Gift of Fear and recommended it on here before too, great book!

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