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To ask why people try to talk you out of BF?

(133 Posts)
jcmayj Mon 04-Mar-19 20:05:01

Since finding out I was pregnant with DS I've said I want to try breastfeeding and will try to persevere at it, as I really want to do it.

I'm more than happy to move onto FF'ing if it doesn't work out and am happy to do whatever as long as he is being fed.

I've expressed my wishes to DM, MIL and other friends and family and all of them have tried to talk me out of it!

Comments such as "you won't like it", "it's difficult", "it's easier to formula feed him" have made me feel really disheartened.

AIBU for feeling like this? confused

WhiteDust Mon 04-Mar-19 20:08:48

Wait and see. You might love it, you might hate it.
They're trying to prepare you for the worst. Which may not happen. Do your own thing.

CarpetGate Mon 04-Mar-19 20:10:45

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OMGithurts Mon 04-Mar-19 20:11:58

The happiest parents you'll see (well-rested, good marriage, good careers) use formula.

What a load of shit.

Sparklingbrook Mon 04-Mar-19 20:13:18

All you can do is give it a go. it's your decision not theirs.
I found it incredibly difficult and didn't last long, but have friends that found it a breeze.

Whattodonut Mon 04-Mar-19 20:13:43

Well carpetgate thats a load of crap.

I think as with all things about being a new parent you have to take it as it comes. I did BF though DM and DS tried to put me off. It didnt work for them and caused them anguish to try and They didn't want that for me. But it worked for me (eventually!) and my marriage, career and child are pretty good thanks!

European12345 Mon 04-Mar-19 20:14:08

“And any equality they had in their marriage. It ruins lives. The happiest parents you'll see (well-rested, good marriage, good careers) use formula”


PestyMachtubernahme Mon 04-Mar-19 20:14:19

The first few weeks are tough. However, once you get going BF is great. Milk on tap and no sterilising or massive bags of equipment.

BendingSpoons Mon 04-Mar-19 20:14:51

I think it's very driven by what people have done themselves. Most of my family and friends breastfed so assumed I would at least try and were therefore supportive when I did. It's worth doing some reading before e.g. Kellymom website to have an idea of what is normal so you feel confident in what you are doing in case of comments when baby is here e.g. If your baby cluster feeds feeling confident it's not because you don't have enough milk. Good luck trying and with however you end up feeding.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Mon 04-Mar-19 20:15:31

Don’t listen to them OP- I had zero problems with bf, (my experience was bf exclusively for 6wks, then the odd bottle when I was away from my DD, had to phase out around 10months old as I was back at work). But I loved it,
I would kill to go back to those times, just me and her time. It’s also soo much easier when out and about.

Florencenotflo Mon 04-Mar-19 20:16:03

I was so disappointed when bf didn't work for us, it almost tipped me into PND. I kind of wish someone had said it might not work, I very naively thought it was a simple as put baby to boob and feed. It was so much harder than I expected.

Next time I'll know what to expect! Are they nicely trying to prepare you so you aren't disappointed if it doesn't work out?

European12345 Mon 04-Mar-19 20:17:18

We live in a society where we always try to convince the rest that their parenting options are wrong.
Ff in early stage ? Wrong
Bf after 6 weeks? Wrong
Cosleepinf ? Wrong
Sahx wrong
Nursery? Wrong

Do what is best for you. Be open to the idea that not everything you think that will work will intact do (for me was avoiding cosleeping I was against it and it was the only way to manage to sleep )

And whoever tries to lecture you telling you crap like the pp above .:: give them biscuit

MatildaTheCat Mon 04-Mar-19 20:17:32

Prepare yourself for a lot more of this when your baby is actually born. If you are serious about bf you need to tell them to please stop undermining you and to support you. And find friends who will also support you.

If they didn’t bf themselves they may believe that they are giving you good advice, see bf as embarrassing, resent that on,y you can need your child’s primary needs...

It can be really hard to feed when being dripfed such negative messages so inadvise you to nip it in the bud where possible and avoid any who persist. Most new mums needs encouragement and support at least to begin with.

MRex Mon 04-Mar-19 20:17:42

I had similar, but actually it's been great. I can already see the surprise that I'm planning another year at least, but my family has grown much more supportive as they've seen how good it is for all of us. The only things I would say is that it takes a hell of a lot more time than I ever imagined so make sure you and your partner mentally prepare for that and you need a breastfeeding support network for questions if you don't know anybody (in case of latch problems / thrush / to clarify questions about feeding amounts). Try joining your antenatal facebook group from here based on your birth month, look up La Leche League and check out local Osteopath breastfeeding consultants as well as local NCT non-member coffee groups. There are also parent rooms in lots of shops so seek them out, don't be shy to ask any breastfeeder in them a question, in my experience people love to chat. My local hospital did a relatively useful breastfeeding course, worth seeing if yours does (and don't worry if you get no colostrum before birth, I didn't and DS fed just fine). Good luck!

NotSoThinLizzy Mon 04-Mar-19 20:17:50

Im still breastfeeding my DS he's 17 months and showing no signs of stopping just be prepered for the long game too. Only plus for me with formula is a bit of extra sleep you can get while someone feeds baby. My DM and OH kept trying to convince me to move to formula but DS is a firm bottle refuser so I didn't have a choice anyways 😂

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 04-Mar-19 20:18:08

Because you see your friends lives go down the pan once they start. And any equality they had in their marriage. It ruins lives. The happiest parents you'll see (well-rested, good marriage, good careers) use formula.

What the fuck?

I’ve been breast feeding for 5 years, my life hasn’t gone down the pan, my life isn’t ruined, my marriage is fantastic and I’m very happy.

I can only hope that your post was sarcastic.

Sparklingbrook Mon 04-Mar-19 20:18:57

I felt the same Florence nobody said that it might not be instantly great. I knew second time around but only managed a week then.

Formula feeding was fine and not difficult to do.

GiveMeFiveMinutes Mon 04-Mar-19 20:19:04

I found the opposite.

I wanted to breastfeed but I also felt that I didn't have another option without friends and family members looking down on me for formula feeding.

Breastfeeding didn't work out for me at all, and I felt massively judged, as if I wasn't trying hard enough.

I have reached the conclusion that people will often make you feel bad for your parenting choices if they don't align with what they do / did.

kam99 Mon 04-Mar-19 20:19:10

I’ve found people have given me the exactly same attitude.

I’m still going to try and BF when the time comes and if it doesn’t work then I’ll be out buying a perfect prep machine and all the rest of that stuff. Until then I’ll be BF.

buzzzzzzz Mon 04-Mar-19 20:19:13

Sinilar position and noticed the same thing here. For some of them though it seems to be an objection to the fact that they won’t be able to feed the baby or babysit for long periods while baby is tiny.

It took a proper sit down conversation with my husband to explain that regardless of whether I was bottle or breastfeeding (hopefully breastfeeding) I wouldn’t want my tiny new baby away from me anyway, he got my point after that and starting speaking up for me a lot more. Surprisingly it’s the women that have that objection and the men in the family are much more supportive of my choice.

I think when you choose to breastfeed some of the family see it as excluding them or stopping what they feel they should be able to do with the baby, as opposed to what’s best for mum and baby.

akmum18 Mon 04-Mar-19 20:20:40

I had this once my first baby was born - all the women told me how wrong bf is and it’s unhealthy the babies don’t gain weight it’s too sexual etc etc it really upset me and I ended up being bullied into ff after a few days. I didn’t make the same mistake with my second and bf for a long time and didn’t regret it. Everyone is different you may hate it and want to ff there’s no right answer but ignore comments and advice and go with your instinct.

Drogosnextwife Mon 04-Mar-19 20:21:01

I think people say these things because they don't want women to put too much pressure on themselves if things don't go very well with breastfeeding. I know some women who have really struggled through it because they are so determined to bf, some people don't struggle at all.
I also think people who haven't managed feel a bit put down when others insist they will persevere and are determined to do it.

MissingDietCoke Mon 04-Mar-19 20:22:01

What a spectacularly unhelpful and incorrect comment @CarpetGate

I i breastfed both mine, without issue. Yes it hurts a bit at the beginning and takes some getting used to. But after a few weeks - fully portable food supply ready at the right temperature whenever you need it! And no washing up. That said, I have a wide group of friends - some loved it, some hated it, some struggled and moved on. Meh. Fed is best, however it comes.

Oh and I have a great career thanks. By the time I returned after 9 months both mine were on first and last feed of the day by breast, formula (and food) for the rest of the day.

Weetabixandshreddies Mon 04-Mar-19 20:22:48

I think people tend to push what they did themselves - either because it worked well or, in some cases, because they regret the choice they made and it's a sort of guilt/jealousy reaction.

Tinyteatime Mon 04-Mar-19 20:22:53

I think it Depends what they did. I know my mum would have expressed horror if I’d said I wanted to use formula (I didn’t). Perhaps it’s a way of affirming the choices they’ve made and I guess most people secretly believes the way they did it was the right way.

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