To be getting frustrated about play dates not being reciprocated?(220 Posts)
DS (7) has a friend he adores. They live just around the corner. We are on friendly terms with the family.
I invite the friend for play dates fairly regularly, as DS and his friend love spending time together. They are usually only organised on the day, though, not planned in advance.
DS really loves going to their house, because it's not his so it's interesting! But, he very very rarely gets invited. When he's been there, there haven't been any issues that I'm aware of, he's been well behaved, and hasn't broken anything. Sometimes I'll ask the parents to have him if I can't get to school on time, and if they're free they say yes.
But, they just hardly ever offer off they're own back. I want my kids to feel this house is always open for friends, as mine wasn't when I was a child and I hated it. I've got older kids for who play dates are shared out pretty evenly amongst the families so no problems there.
AIBU unreasonable to be a bit put out?
I know it's a personal decision, they have a very lovely house (mines rather "lived in ) and kids running round may not be your thing.
But, I'm interested to know that if you're not big on play dates, excepting ill health, lack of time and issues with your home, why do you feel that way? I'm just curious and it might make me more understanding and less frustrated!
No furniture??? At all? Why?!
No worktops? Where do your kids sleep? No toys?
It's absolutely none of my business but that is so intriguing
NoahsArk ok so that's quite unusual! Can I ask why? You don't have to answer
I don't have furniture!
I can't see that being an issue for any 10 year old, at most they would be interested by a different lifestyle. Wouldn't be an issue for me either, I might not let them go for a sleepover, it depends, but otherwise that's not a problem.
I have always hated hosting playdates. I'm always on edge whenever I have other people's children in the house. Kids we've had over always seem to lack boundaries and I find it very hard to bite my tongue. I also hate the changed behaviour in my own children - their personalities completely change. Of course I will do it from time to time begrudgingly but if I can avoid it, I will. Working full-time is a bonus here!
I still think you can have kids over though! They'll do exactly what yours do.
Hide and seek won't be much fun though
I didn't say they didn't have toys. We have a fitted kitchen - is that what you mean by worktops?
I think it is odd to be miffed over it. It sounds like you’re putting your own issues from your past on them.
Tbh, I wouldn’t think to ask a parent if their child could come over. I don’t know what their schedules are and such. If the children had a convo beforehand and asked permission and such yes, but out of the blue no. I wasn’t raised to invite myself into other people’s home. You had to be invited.
There are a lot like this OP, in fact more like this than those who reciprocate.
A lot of parents work and either can't be arsed, or don't have the time. Some are crap at looking after kids, and some just don't want to.
I think if you are never going to reciprocate or at least take them to a park to play, you shouldn't accept invitations from others.
Ours used to be open house from about 3.15 until around 8pm at some times. I feel sorry for kids whose parents can't be bothered, and even sadder for those whose parents don't because hey live in a show house.
"Sometimes I will ask the parents to have him if I can't get to school on time"...? Why would you do this op? Could that not be a tad annoying for them? Perhaps that's put them off getting overly invested in having him over?
Phoenix my kids would have friends over daily given the choice, it's them that ask if they can invite x y and z, no one invites themselves over?
I hate hosting playdates. I have 4dc already, add another 1 or 2 in and it just feels mad. Saying that, I do host and make a point of inviting their friends over. Once a month or so I will pick them up from school together. They don't have friends where we live as it's an older street and I think it's important for them to play outside of school. I think it's just manners to return the invite.
@TabbyMumz to put into context I've asked maybe three times in two years, and they have asked the same favour of me probably equal amount of times. I said that to put into context that they have had nice play dates there as well as here. Yours is the second post that seems to imply some CF behaviour from me, for asking what I think is a reasonable and pretty normal favour? What do people do if they can't get to school at pick up for whatever reason?!
It doesn't really matter if you dislike playdates, you have them for your kids, not for you!
It's rude to accept invitations and never return the favour, even if they are a pain in the backside. Working full time is not a valid excuse, sorry, we all manage. You can invite the kids on weekends, at half term, offer to take the friend with you if you go out at some point.
If your child hates them, of course don't force them though!
My social anxiety makes me feel weird about having kids over (and their parents collecting them). Nothing personal about the kids/families but I like to keep the rest of the world (including my own friends) on the other side of my front door as much as possible.
Does that help at all?
I didn't mean to imply c.f. behaviour, just asked why as it's not something I've ever had to do. I had a child minder where I dropped off at on my way to work, and she took them to school. I only had children over for tea a couple of times as I work full time and would have had to take holiday to do it. The kids did plenty of activities out if school though so they had plenty of friends there . I don't think playdates are the be all and end all.
I don't offer because our cat brought fleas in. Not telling all and sundry that though...
My DD gets invited on play dates often but working Full Time means i cant reciprocate as often.
I also very much dislike having other children in my home and it makes me feel uncomfortable BUT growing up i would never have anyone over (nor was i allowed at other peoples houses) and i want my DD to feel like its her home to and she can have friends so i disguise it very well.
Im also a great believer in kids making their own fun and also playing on their own from time to time. I once knew a mum who pretty much managed her childs diary and made sure she always had friends over etc...poor kid didnt know how to handle being on her own or entertaining herself.
DS1 has a friend who is an only child. His mum frequently asks for DS1 to go over to their house because the boys play well together and it keeps her DS out of her hair and lets her get stuff done.
I don't often invite her DS back to ours (avoid it, tbh) - mostly because I don't like hosting but also because of DS2, who is 5 years younger. It's better now DS2 is older and can join in with their games without being a real PITA, but when he was smaller, it was really hard for him to have his brother and his brother's best friend pretty much ignoring him and telling him to go away (I didn't allow this to happen, but it still did sometimes before I heard it and told them it wasn't fair). It wasn't nice for this to happen to him in his own home, so I avoided having DS1's friend as much as possible.
Maybe something like that going on with them?
My cat got fleas we treated cat and house...? No more fleas
I don’t at the moment as we are far out of catchment area and 3 of my boys share a very tiny room and it’s all quite chaotic - technically homeless and waiting for a house. The place we are in is fine just very small and kids don’t have a decent area to play. It’s rubbish but hope it won’t be for long as they need friends to come
Room to play etc. I don’t always feel comfortable with loads of kids in my house as I already have 4 of my own but it’s not every night
DH and I both work from home. We don't do impromptu play dates, but try to plan them in advance - when it's convenient.
There are a lot of reasons for not reciprocating play-dates.
Some people have reasons. Some people are just life’s takers. I think it models good social behaviour that you host and are hosted. Awkward for your child if it’s always one way from 8ish onwards they notice
If you just do what you are comfortable with and don't expect or judge others for not being the same as you then there's no problem.
There can be many different reasons people don't want to invite a child or children round for playdates.
I have four kids, all quite close in age and DS1 has ASD, and he can be quite intense if something in our routine changes.
Luckily my kids all get along very well and play together so we don't need much interaction from the outside world.
The main reason we don't do play dates though is I can't stand the other school mums. They are so clicky, I never hang around long enough. I even drive to school so that I don't have to hang around and can just wave and smile from my car. The thought of having to talk to them or invite them into my home makes me a tad stressed!
We do have a wide circle of good friends outside of the kids school though and regularly host get togethers so no one is missing out.
That’s what’s I said.
If the kids have talked about it and had asked for permission and such I would check with parents and sort it from there. I wouldn’t just invite said child over to play with mine unless it was brought up or said parent needed help. Plus, I’m more likely to take said kids to the park vs my own house seeing how hyper kids are after school. I rather then expend that energy outside vs inside my home.
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