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Difference to being a Marta and thinking f**k you

(36 Posts)
mumofplenty5 Mon 04-Mar-19 09:51:02

Bit of a back story. I had my date to be sterilised yesterday. My dp said that he will try and get the week off work and we discussed how many days holiday he has left, he then said ring my mum an ask her to come down instead (which she already offered) which I did. My only worry was is that she isn't a confident driver and she would have to take me and pick me up from the hospital as well as get back in time to pick my kids up from school in my car (I have a 4x4 and she has a mini as well as she doesn't know the area). I don't want my kids late for school. Me and dp disused this before I went on the waiting list and he said that he will be here for the kids. My dp refused to have the one day off on the opp day so he could take me and pick me up whilst on the phone to his mum. My attitude is well f**k you then, I will find a way around this, I don't need you, I have always had to do things by myself in my past relationship so I don't need to change now. His mum told me to stop being a Marta and make him do it. Its a word that's always being said to me, I would describe it more as me being annoyed. I was brought up to think if you want something done, do it yourself. My dp then told me that I was being selfish to want 2 people off work. So was I being a Marta or was I just being normal?

TedAndLola Mon 04-Mar-19 09:53:06

Your 'partner' is an absolute dick. You can do better, you really can.

FlibbertyGiblets Mon 04-Mar-19 09:56:29

Your husband should be organising what happens when you're in hospital. Obvs he's not bothered. How kind and thoughtful of him.

Does that make you a martyr? I don't know.

GottenGottenGotten Mon 04-Mar-19 09:57:03

The word is martyr, and you don't sound like one. Your partner basically didn't want to take the time off, and so got you to arrange something so he has the perfect excuse not to.

Twattish behaviour imo.

Merryoldgoat Mon 04-Mar-19 09:59:37

Your partner is a prick.

Suebnm Mon 04-Mar-19 10:02:47

You can't make your boyfriend want to have time off to care for you and your children so, no, you're not being a martyr by not forcing him to take time off.

Is your boyfriend generally like this? What would he expect you to do if he was in hospital?

timeisnotaline Mon 04-Mar-19 10:03:57

The word is martyr , and you should have told your dp the op was off and seen what he thought then.

Personally I find martyrs very frustrating. My mil is one. Sensible mature people request a reasonable amount of support. Why have a dp if you are gong to do it all yourself? Bin him or tell him to step up.

dontgobaconmyheart Mon 04-Mar-19 10:04:12

Well OP, why are you even with him at all though, if you end up having to do everything yourself anyway? What function does he serve other than making you feel like shit and inconveniencing you? Your DP should have stepped up, a decent and loving person would have. Operations are stressful and you and your kids will need support, you shouldn't have to put up with this from a partner, you know that.

I'd focus more on that and what I was going to do about it than whether you were technically a martyr. You wouldn't be worrying you were one at all if it weren't for his shitty behaviour.

timeisnotaline Mon 04-Mar-19 10:04:47

Sorry, it’s not clear enough from my post that I do think your dp is being a selfish twat, but your mum is absolutely right that you should tell him this.

CuriousaboutSamphire Mon 04-Mar-19 10:07:37

His mum is quite right! Stop being so bloody 'capable' and accept that sometimes you need help and have the absolute right to demand it from your life partner!

Then again, he does sound like a total twat! Maybe you need a total rethink...

GabriellaMontez Mon 04-Mar-19 10:10:28

Yes i think you are a martyr. Taking on everything for everyone else's benefit.

I also think he's a lazy thoughtless excuse for a partner and I'd cancel the operation. That would be real 'fuck you'.

mumofplenty5 Mon 04-Mar-19 10:16:05

Sorry martyr. I didn't think I was being one and I'm still upset by both of their behaviour. He has an op soon (grommets in his ear) and he said he can only take time off for that because he has not long been working for this company and not allowed time off in the first 3 months, but why did he discuss having a week off to start off with. He did apologise for saying I'm selfish but that doesn't make it right. Sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by bullies.

Singlenotsingle Mon 04-Mar-19 10:16:27

Maybe organise taxis to get your mum on the hospital and school runs? The problem with school pickups is the parking.

GabriellaMontez Mon 04-Mar-19 10:18:50

Maybe you should delay your operation until a better time for him to support your (joint) family ?

mumofplenty5 Mon 04-Mar-19 10:19:45

It's only a 20 minute walk to the school which I prefer to do than drive. She is willing to walk (it's a nice walk) I did think about getting a taxi to the hospital but I just can't figure how I'm going to get home (moved away from all family because of past dv) .

mumofplenty5 Mon 04-Mar-19 10:22:41

I've got 6 children and been waiting for 8 months for this. I feel like it's really important for me to have this.

BaronessBomburst Mon 04-Mar-19 10:24:42

Cancel the sterilisation and send him for a vasectomy.
<evil laugh>

outpinked Mon 04-Mar-19 10:28:07

IMO a martyr insists on doing everything and declines help offered to them but complains about doing everything. So no, I don’t think you’re a martyr.

I think your ‘d’p is an arsehole and I would honestly not bother getting sterilised unless you’re doing it for your own benefit I.e contraception is making you ill. I would leave the selfish bastard and be celibate grin.

downcasteyes Mon 04-Mar-19 10:34:24

Why are you being sterilised as opposed to him having a vasectomy? Isn't the former much more invasive/difficult to recover from?

I would cancel the op and send him to have his tubes snipped instead!

Missingstreetlife Mon 04-Mar-19 10:43:02

Obvs she wants to be in control of her fertility. Not unreasonable.
I hope he doesn't need help after his op. Has he asked for holiday and been refused?

downcasteyes Mon 04-Mar-19 10:50:31

Surely in a monogamous relationship, though, fertility is a matter for the couple as a duo? Maybe my knowledge is out of date, but my understanding was that a bloke having the snip is a really minor op compared to a woman being sterilised. Unless there are cirumstances that mean he can't have it done, wouldn't it be the loving thing for him to volunteer for the more minor procedure instead?

shpoot Mon 04-Mar-19 11:09:14

You do seem to be being a martyr and creating problems that aren't there.

If he's been working for them less than 3 months I can see why it would be tricky to take time off. However, this op is important to you.

Get a taxi to the hospital or ask a friend?

Your mum can walk the school run as that's what you usually do

You can't plan coming home now anyway as you don't know when you'll be discharged. But worse case scenario you can get a taxi. Hopefully, your mum can sit with the kids and DP can get you after work.

mumofplenty5 Mon 04-Mar-19 11:12:22

I personally don't want anymore children. I feel that my body wouldn't cope with another pregnancy so I want to make sure I never have more. I'm my eyes a relationship is never set in stone, we could split and he could have more children with someone else and that's fine, I don't want to ever think about the possibility of having another since contraception doesn't do it's job properly. I can concentrate on my children I have 😁

mumofplenty5 Mon 04-Mar-19 11:13:22

My dp works away Monday -Friday

mumofplenty5 Mon 04-Mar-19 11:25:40

I didn't think I could be discharged from hospital if someone wasn't picking me up but it's something I will ask when I go for my pre op. I only asked for one day. It's not my mum, it's his mum. My family and friends live 100s miles away

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