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Who was unreasonable? A return of borrowed baby things...

(147 Posts)
Cleanmywindows Sun 03-Mar-19 23:13:46

A and B are sisters. A has 4 dc aged 7-1. B has 2 dc aged 2 and 7m.

When B had her first dc, A was very supportive and provided a lot of the stuff A needed. When A subsequently had her 4th dc, B sent back various items she was no longer using, along with some items which were new for B. Some of these A then returned to her for use with B's second dc. Overall, A has spent far more money on the items that have been used by both sisters than B.

Recently, A asked B to return a specific toy that A's youngest dc is now at the appropriate stage to use. B said that her oldest dc was still using the toy - would a new replacement of the item be acceptable to A? B said no - for good reasons, she wanted the originally lent item back. B agreed to return the toy.

However, the conversation caused some bad feeling between A and B. B says A did not ever use the words 'lend' or 'borrow' when providing the items to B but feels that, as sisters, this should not need to be explicated. B feels the reverse, claims that she never requested help from A and stated that if there are other items that A has 'lent' to B, then A should say what they are because B did not understand that these items were on loan. B said she would not be able to give back loaned items if she did not know what they were! B feels angry that A was not clear about wanting certain items back. She said she would not have accepted children's toys 'on loan'. A feels angry that B has taken her assistance for granted and has not acknowledged the financial value of the items.

A responded with a list of items - two higher value items and a few more specific toys, and requested that these be returned today. A said that she is struggling financially, and can either make use of the items herself (and therefore not be out of pocket for similar items) or resell them and bring in much needed funds. B is coming to the end of mat. leave, with not much to spare herself, but is not struggling as much as A who is a SAHM and has recently had her tax credits cut. B said that she will need to replace some of the items, some of which are necessities (breastpump) others of which will be missed by her toddler, who doesn't understand why her toys have been taken away. A told B that she cannot afford to be out of pocket on account of things she's already paid for once. B told A that her restricted finances are a result of her decision to stay at home and are not anyone else's problem. A told B that she is done with the sharing of items and that the future of the whole relationship was in question. B cut A off, and ended the call, saying to A that she was coming close to saying things she would come to regret. B returned the items (via a third party) and so far no further messages have been exchanged.

Obviously I am one of these people. If my sister is reading, she'll certainly recognise herself as I've been pretty specific! I've tried to be neutral, although obviously that's hard. Who was being unreasonable?

MightyAtlantic Sun 03-Mar-19 23:18:27

I got a bit lost sorry OP but honestly I think you are both being unreasonable for different reasons. But I think it is mainly B who is being unreasonable if most of the things were bought by A in the first place.

SoftPlant Sun 03-Mar-19 23:20:11

A is being unreasonable. It reads as if A passed on baby items but never explicitly said "they are only to borrow, I will want them back." This is really unfair, and like B said, she wouldn't have accepted the items if she knew they were "on loan". Who would willingly give their child toys "on loan" with the chance they'd be taken away again?

I think A has been quite spiteful. If you pass baby items on to someone, you shouldn't still consider them yours and expect them back.

TwoRoundabouts Sun 03-Mar-19 23:21:05

You both need to grow up.

cocodash Sun 03-Mar-19 23:21:15

All sounds a bit petty. But if I was B I would return everything and learn from it. It's no reason to fall out with your sister.

Out of curiosity are you A or B?

Sparklfairy Sun 03-Mar-19 23:21:36

You're B I think. It's a tricky one. Clothes being swapped back and forth makes sense as dc grow out of them. Toys, not so much. Kids can get attached to them and it's not really fair on them. Also the breastpump, if B is still using it it seems really mean of A to randomly demand it back. Could B go halves on replacements with A?

Jakethekid Sun 03-Mar-19 23:23:40

I'm guessing you are A. I think B's attitude is wrong however I sympathise that her child is still using some of these items A now wants back. I was always told never to lens anything and to expect it back be it money or items. Never give away anything you can't afford to lose and always write it off from the get go and if it is returned it's a plus.

I'm not sure how you fix this now though unfortunately. Good luck

Ilnome Sun 03-Mar-19 23:23:48

I think its a difficult situation for both, but b had no right to refrence the fact that a is a sahm as that has nothing to do with it and if I was aquiring items from someone even my own ma and I knew they were valuable I would clarify that they were for keeping especially if I knew her finances were tight- b cannot lay claim to items and expect to be reimbursed for things that were never strictly promised to her because a didnt specify I think b was bu and a wnbu but not too strongly - its nothing no one can come back from xx

BackforGood Sun 03-Mar-19 23:25:17

Confused why A wouldn't accept a new replacement of the toy ?

Sounds like you both need to grow up a bit, but A sounds like she is BU more than B (in so far as I read - OP is a bit long).
If someone gives you babystuff, then it is yours for as long as you need it. When your baby outgrows it, it is then in the "pile" of stuff to go to whoever has the right age baby - which might be back to the original giver, or might be a different sibling or friend.
If you need something, then don't give it away.

Ilnome Sun 03-Mar-19 23:25:56

Maybe meet to talk in neutral territory like a cafe and both hear the other out - it sounds like a miss communication and while you may not have the same sharing relationship I think your friendship is still salvageable or redeemable xxx

Knittedfairies Sun 03-Mar-19 23:26:09

That's quite confusing... I'm not sure who is being the most unreasonable; both A and B could make a convincing argument. Who loans toys though?
I'm guessing you're B.

homeishere Sun 03-Mar-19 23:26:12

What does C think?

Blankscreen Sun 03-Mar-19 23:28:09

I don't understand why A wouldn't accept new version of the toy and insisted on the old one back.

I reckon you are A.

3luckystars Sun 03-Mar-19 23:29:20

A has paid a lot more out over the years than B.
Now A is struggling for money and is worried, and B wont even give stuff back to her kind sister (who shared first and probably saved B a lot of money over the years.)

I think B is 100% wrong but A is over reacting because she stressed over money and is mad with the wrong person.

Make up. You only have one sister.
(Unless you have 2 or a whole alphabet Of sisters)

Good luck.

BejamNostalgia Sun 03-Mar-19 23:30:02

A is being unreasonable. If the items were on loan, she needed to be explicit about that. It sounds to me like A gave B the items, but now her financial situation has deteriorated, she’s suddenly decided they were a loan.

She absolutely cannot take toys off a child, that’s horrible.

TBDO Sun 03-Mar-19 23:30:24

I think B is unreasonable, on balance. She should have realised that A had spent a lot of money and has saved B from buying new herself - B is selfish for begrudging giving things back. She must have saved overall and she needs to look at the bigger picture.

I don’t think you need to explicitly say you want something back when you’re passing around family - I’d assume things are a loan until the next DC in the family comes along.

I bet if A had not offered to lend anything at all, B would have thought of A as selfish!

BejamNostalgia Sun 03-Mar-19 23:30:46

Even bailiffs aren’t allowed to take children’s toys. It’s horrid she would even consider doing that.

Chocmallows Sun 03-Mar-19 23:33:13

I think you're B. You are not understanding that A is upset as she is realising that she is under real financial strain and that the items were originally her DCs (emotional attachment as she's stressed). A is not understanding that you are taking brunt of her stress and she would be better off talking about her issues.

I would offer her a cuppa, be apologetic and give some time. I bet she will then apologise, back down and talk about the real issue here.

BartonHollow Sun 03-Mar-19 23:33:18

You are both being petty and immature but A started it by getting pissy over a specific toy her niece or nephew still engaged with that she was never compelled to part with

VelvetPineapple Sun 03-Mar-19 23:33:32

A provided B with items but didn’t say if they were just loaned or not. A should have been clear about who owned the items and whether she was giving or lending. Equally B has given A some items and also didn’t say whether they were given or loaned.

Basically it sounds like A has given stuff to B and now decided she wants it back, which is unreasonable. You can’t give stuff away and expect it back unless you said so up front. If I was B I’d throw A’s stuff at her and demand my stuff back from her, and not exchange items again.

AngeloMysterioso Sun 03-Mar-19 23:37:43

Overall, A has spent far more money on the items that have been used by both sisters than B.

Seems fair enough, A has had twice as many children as B...

A asked B to return a specific toy that A's youngest dc is now at the appropriate stage to use. B said that her oldest dc was still using the toy - would a new replacement of the item be acceptable to A? B said no - for good reasons, she wanted the originally lent item back

Whatever the reasons are, taking a toy away from a 2 year-old? Who does that?

B told A that her restricted finances are a result of her decision to stay at home and are not anyone else's problem.

Harsh... but true.

Smelborp99 Sun 03-Mar-19 23:38:02

Whoever loaned toys is unreasonable. Children get attached to toys and it’s really unfair to take them back.

Thistles24 Sun 03-Mar-19 23:38:16

I would always assume things are to be given back, unless told to pass it on/take to the charity shop. Even then, I’d double check before I got rid of it.
I’m guessing the toy is a big/expensive item (like a balance bike/toy kitchen/farm with large collection of animals) rather than a random noisy fisher price toy, and perhaps a new but cheaper version was offered. Either way, I’d say B is in the wrong, but is it really worth falling out over?

Thistles24 Sun 03-Mar-19 23:40:37

I don’t see the taking away of the toy that bad- surely you just say that it belongs to Auntie A and the cousins, you just borrowed it. And if B offered a new one to A then they could just buy their DC a new one.

Merryoldgoat Sun 03-Mar-19 23:41:20

I think A.

I never accept anything for children on loan as I don’t want to police its use or condition.

A should’ve made it clear it was a loan and B would have the choice of whether to borrow it.

I also think it sounds extremely petty.

CalmdownJanet Sun 03-Mar-19 23:43:11

I think you are A not helpful, I'm just here because I love a who done it type game

Rubies12345 Sun 03-Mar-19 23:46:11

A is being unreasonable.

Who would take toys away from a toddler?!

TheDarkPassenger Sun 03-Mar-19 23:46:54

I think they’re both pretty petty. I dunno which one you are op but surely you could have predicted this from a mile away?
As it happens, I would never ever give my kids stuff away if I knew I was going to continue making babies! As I said, A could have predicted this faff on.

Whichever one you are, comply to your sister and learn your lesson from it

LittleBearPad Sun 03-Mar-19 23:47:41

I think it’s mad to lend toys that you will want back. I’ve no idea why a new replacement wouldn’t have done - if the toy had sentimental value then it shouldn’t have been lent in the first place.

It’s also pretty shit to take away a breast pump that you know is being used.

B told A that her restricted finances are a result of her decision to stay at home and are not anyone else's problem.

A bit mean but true.

Cleanmywindows Sun 03-Mar-19 23:47:55

Thank you for your thoughts. It's interesting to see different views. Sorry if the op was hard to read, I tried to take out anything that would give away which party I am. To clarify a few things...

B wont even give stuff back to her kind sister (who shared first and probably saved B a lot of money over the years.)

A did save B money over the years. B did return the items today.

I don't understand why A wouldn't accept new version of the toy and insisted on the old one back.

According to A, the original is the right size for her dc. The toy in question is a push-along walker / toddle truck. In B's opinion, the new replacement was of equal value.

LittleBearPad Sun 03-Mar-19 23:48:19

A is being unreasonable

slipperywhensparticus Sun 03-Mar-19 23:54:04

You should never take toys off a child what's next reusable nappies off the childs butt?

B should never accept anything off A again and A should be ashamed taking toys away from a child who has probably got attached and might get upset

IvanaPee Sun 03-Mar-19 23:54:48

A is being a dick for no good reason.

Margot33 Sun 03-Mar-19 23:57:52

I dont think you should lend baby stuff until you're done with it. Next time, keep it until you're done with it. All my baby stuff like toys and clothes etc has been gifted to charity. But the big stuff like the highchair, cot , bouncer, carseat and pram is in the loft. Because I'm a sahm and know that I couldn't afford to buy it all again.

MrsRyanGosling15 Sun 03-Mar-19 23:58:36

Has anyone asked D, E and F??

BlackCatSleeping Mon 04-Mar-19 00:00:41

All this lending of baby things and clothes leads to so much resentment. There have been so many threads on this over the years.

This is why I'd never lend stuff. I just kept my baby stuff in the loft until I was done having kids, then gave it all away. It's so much easier that way.

INeedNewShoes Mon 04-Mar-19 00:11:11

A should have been clear at the time that everything was on loan. I suspect that had B been aware of this she would have turned down some of the items on offer.

I know that I am loathe to borrow anything that is likely to be damaged or suffer wear and tear. I'd rather buy my own than worry about returning something in the same condition it arrived in.

When I was pregnant a (not close) friend told me she'd collected some baby stuff for me and she brought it over. There was one big item that I knew was a loan but I really thought everything else had been passed on to me. Imagine my horror when she started asking for things back; things I had already passed on to other friends. I would never have accepted these things on loan. It's too big a task to keep tabs on hand-me-downs if they are all loans that will need returning in a good state.

I think both A and B have learned lessons here. Neither party is entirely in the right or wrong. I hope the relationship recovers.

NuffSaidSam Mon 04-Mar-19 00:12:14

A is being unreasonable.

And 'it's the right size' is not a good reason to need a specific toy back unless for some weird reason there is no other one that size on the market. I'm sure A could have found a toddle truck in the same size as the other one!

greenlynx Mon 04-Mar-19 00:20:09

I think A is unreasonable. She should tell B at the beginning that it’s just a loan. I also don’t like her coming back with the list and wanting to take a toy from a small child.
But B was very wrong to tell A that her financial problems are result of her life choices, it’s not nice and sounds very nasty. I think B should apologise for this. Having financial problems when you have 4 children is really tough, I think that A might be very upset and worried so B should take this into account.

LilQueenie Mon 04-Mar-19 00:23:00

Don't borrow or lend things that children will think they own. Buy them their own things. I feel bad for the kids. grow up.

Butchyrestingface Mon 04-Mar-19 00:23:09

B told A that her restricted finances are a result of her decision to stay at home and are not anyone else's problem

Ooooh, shots fired!

B was unreasonable to say that. I think A is being a touch jobsworthy to insist on the return of the originals and refusing to accept a replacement. If she's so attached to the originals that nothing else will suffice, why lend them in the first place? confused

Butchyrestingface Mon 04-Mar-19 00:23:40

Am assuming OP is B.

Elllicam Mon 04-Mar-19 00:25:26

I think A is in the wrong for not making it clear that the things were a loan. Especially in taking the toy from the toddler.

LotsToThinkOf Mon 04-Mar-19 00:25:34

A is being UR, even when you lend items it’s for the duration of need. A has decided she wants them back before they’re finished with which is massively unfair on B who now has to buy replacement items which won’t get much use. And of course the decision to be a SAHM is relevant.

christinarossetti19 Mon 04-Mar-19 00:29:51

Both of you. B for not just giving the toddle truck back and buying another one for her child, and A for upping the ante with the increasing lists of items that she would like returned.

B needs to give A back whatever she wants that belongs to her and not accept any future offers of baby equipment.

The youngest children are all close in age, so there's not much hand me down room anyway.

IsAStormApporaching Mon 04-Mar-19 00:32:58

They are both very very wrong. But B more so.
Sister A did a lot to help sister B when she could and now is in need of help herself.
For all sister B knows, sister A would take the things then return it again when she is finished for sister B's littlest dc to then use.

I think I am getting to emotionally involved confused

Cleanmywindows Mon 04-Mar-19 00:35:22

I'm B.

A is upset as she is realising that she is under real financial strain and that the items were originally her DCs...A is not understanding that you are taking brunt of her stress and she would be better off talking about her issues.

I think this is true.

^B told A that her restricted finances are a result of her decision to stay at home and are not anyone else's problem^

Ooooh, shots fired!

B was unreasonable to say that.

Yes, perhaps I was.

If she's so attached to the originals that nothing else will suffice, why lend them in the first place?

Very much this. As an adult, she's better placed to understand that one toddler truck is much the same as another than my 2 year old.

surely you could have predicted this from a mile away?

It has genuinely come as a surprise to me, I had no idea that half the things she's given me, she was expecting back. I would not have accepted the loan of children's toys, for the obvious reasons that pp have pointed out. Obviously I would have asked her what she wanted me to do with things when I finished using them!

BeekyChitch Mon 04-Mar-19 00:36:38

A is BU. If B is offering a replacement A should have said yes that's very kind thank you and used their common sense to realise that Bs baby is still using it.

If it isn't clearly Specified you want them back then it's a 'gift'.

Also B is not BU for making the comment as it is true that her choices have financial implications.

BeekyChitch Mon 04-Mar-19 00:37:16

To add, it's not worth falling out with a sister over such a petty thing.

Cleanmywindows Mon 04-Mar-19 00:38:35

Both of you. B for not just giving the toddle truck back and buying another one for her child, and A for upping the ante with the increasing lists of items that she would like returned.

B needs to give A back whatever she wants that belongs to her and not accept any future offers of baby equipment.

Just to clarify, I absolutely did return the toddle truck with no further debate once she said it was specifically that one she wanted. I only asked because we don't live in the same city and it would have been less hassle to get the new one delivered to her! I gave back everything else on her list too.

WarpedGalaxy Mon 04-Mar-19 00:51:08

I got lost half through but it strikes me A is a bit of a drama llama and whatever she dies for anyone will come with lots of little undisclosed terms and condition. This bit struck me as particularly petty, B’s child is still playing with a certain toy A lent/gave her ( still can’t work that out) and A is now demanding it bac because her own child is now ready for it. Presumably Aks child being so much younger will still get enjoyment out if it once B’s child had outgown it. Plus B offered a new replacement which for some reason isn’t good enough.

Tbh I’m more on B’s side in this, she didn’t ask for the things and wasn’t specifically told they were on loan, also she willingly returned stuff and passed some extras to A on at least one occasion. If I were B I’d return everything to A now because I couldn’t be arsed with any more of her drama.

WarpedGalaxy Mon 04-Mar-19 00:52:15

Excuse the many many typos in previous post, keyboard went bananas.

MyDcAreMarvel Mon 04-Mar-19 01:01:47

A is being unreasonable and needs to get a grip.

Stompythedinosaur Mon 04-Mar-19 01:10:05

I think A is unreasonable for not being clear that the items were lent and might be reclaimed while B was still using them. She is particularly unkind to take away toys that a dc is attached to and should have accepted a replacement.

B was unreasonable to comment on A's decision to be a SAHM and her finances.

AliceLiddel Mon 04-Mar-19 01:11:11

A was unreasonable for not making it clear they were on loan but B was being unreasonable in how she reacted

nocoolnamesleft Mon 04-Mar-19 01:52:31

I am going with the more unreasonable one is whichever one the OP is, because anyone that would post that much A and B crap to try to hide their identity, or pretend that any OP ever accurately gives both sides, is unreasonable for posting that way.

3in4years Mon 04-Mar-19 02:11:29

A was Being kind.
Didn't C another DC on the way.
EEE! Another DC!
What The F!
Gimme my toys back... no G's left to buy more.

You are A, that was obvious. She is struggling for cash and doesn't want to buy again. Tricky.

3in4years Mon 04-Mar-19 02:15:31

Bugger I meant you were B. F,ing confusing letter sh*t. Just say 'my sister and I' ffs!

everydaymum Mon 04-Mar-19 02:25:48

A may have spent more money over the years, but she's had 4 DCs, so that's to be expected. If the items were only on loan, it should have been clearly stated. I don't think they were a loan until she realised she was a bit short of cash and became a CF.
If she wouldn't accept a new replacement I assume it's for sentimental reasons. But if that's the case why on earth lend the items in the first place?
I would have seen the items as given unless stated otherwise.
It's really all just a misunderstanding and you both need to accept that and move on.

BlackCatSleeping Mon 04-Mar-19 03:51:46

The thing is, you can buy bundles of kids clothes and toys from selling pages really cheap. Then, there’s no hassle about returning them.

I don’t think either A nor B were unreasonable really. It sounds like a misunderstanding. That’s all.

Blissx Mon 04-Mar-19 04:21:05

I think it is fair enough, if A is using her stretched finances as a reason for demanding the toys back suddenly, that B points out A chooses to be a SAHM and it’s not B’s fault that she is using the items that were given to her in good faith.

Faroutbrussel Mon 04-Mar-19 04:21:29

Do you mean a push along truck used for when they are just walking? To be honest if her child was just the right age for it I would I just given it back and either got my own or purchased a new toy for my own DC. Is your DC really that attached to it?

Decormad38 Mon 04-Mar-19 05:01:00

Why didn’t you just write this in first person? It’s like some general knowledge exam question!

Butteredghost Mon 04-Mar-19 05:34:40

Oh you are B! I thought you were A. Anyway I think A is being unreasonable. Although it sounds like in the heat of the argument B did say things that were mean.

Any time you give away baby things, and don't 100% specify that it's a loan, you can ask for them back but cannot expect to get them. They might be still being used, given away or broken/worn out.

A is also BU asking for the breast pump back out of spite that she isn't using anyway. You don't get much selling used baby equipment anyway, especially not stuff that has been used for 6 babies.

The fact that A spent more doesn't come in to it. A didn't buy any of that baby stuff soley to share it with B, she just bought stuff she needed. If B had turned it down, or not had children, A still would have spent the same. That's just how it is if you happen to have dc first.

ReaganSomerset Mon 04-Mar-19 05:40:28

A is the most unreasonable. It's fair to assume that items have been given rather than put out on loan unless otherwise stated.

Quietvoiceplease Mon 04-Mar-19 05:41:54

Are you both teenagers? It so reminds me of those squabbles about 'borrowed' jumpers or LPs or books.

The best solution, only solution, is to be the first person to apologise. Not about the things themselves, but that you've either misread the situation, been thoughtless, or not seen things from her side. Or all three. You may have been wronged, but pop the pride away and say sorry. It's really powerful. Sisters are quite precious things.

Fucket Mon 04-Mar-19 05:54:34

Well if A is facing having tax credits cut, has 4 dc and probably little hope of finding a job that will sustain her huge childcare bill, I would probably cut some slack. You have to be pretty desperate to have to reclaim items from others to sell on, these things don’t sell for much after all.

Sometimes becoming a sahm gets forced upon you, by employers, partners and financial/childcare circumstances. Sometimes pride prevents mums opening up over it. But regardless hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Your smug, snippy comment may come back to bite you on the arse one day.

If you care about your relationship with your sister, forget this, support her as she has supported you, take her out for coffee (and pay) and let her offload. Try not to pass judgment on her decisions though!

MrsSchadenfreude Mon 04-Mar-19 06:04:34

Maybe A should have thought about her finances before having four children...

Cherrysherbet Mon 04-Mar-19 06:14:09

I’d blame x,y, and z. They’re always up to no good.

Aria999 Mon 04-Mar-19 06:15:26

If you take something, always ask 'do you want this back or should I just give it away when I'm done with it'.

If you're lending/ giving something, say it's a loan or say it's a gift.

I always give not lend and I always check as receiver (I seldom accept loans).

YANBU, B. Hope you guys can make it up though. It's not your fault she hasn't any money right now but she's probably having a hard time and so blowing this out of proportion.

AJPTaylor Mon 04-Mar-19 06:22:58

Of course A has spent more than B, she has chosen to have 4 children. Honestly it sounds like a silly argument between 2 people feeling the pinch.
Has this row been conducted by text? Can you just meet face to face to iron it all out?

10IAR Mon 04-Mar-19 06:28:20

Both have been petty, but demanding toys be removed from little kids to make a point is just bloody spite.

So because of that, A is BU more. Purely because I can't abide people who would rather be right than think of how they're affecting little kids.

Feb2018mumma Mon 04-Mar-19 06:33:27

B is wrong. I have all my sister's baby things, she is pregnant so I gave them back (except toddler things she doesn't need for a while). Why should someone buy all new items becuase her sister (who previously gave the items back) now wants to keep them. It's crazy to expect someone to buy new items becuase you want to keep their items? Cheeky enough as a friend but a sister shouldn't want to take advantage of her sister!

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 04-Mar-19 06:33:43

The loan / give was a bit of a misunderstanding. They happen. I think you need to apologise to your sister. She has 4 kids. She’s stressed. Your comment about her finances were really nasty. She was a dick about the toy. But this was actually the only thing you were asked to return until you got shitty with her. She then asked for everything back to sell because she’s in financial dire straits. That’s not your responsibility. But it’s in your hands to ease that burden a little.

AuntieCJ Mon 04-Mar-19 06:40:03

A is unreasonable. She's prepared to deprive a toddler of a toy that's loved and used. So mean and nasty. For that alone she is being very U.

She wasn't clear to start with. I'm at a loss to understand why she would expect toys back. Equipment and clothes for sure but you don't give toys away to DCs then demand them back.

Horrible and spiteful. In your place I'd go NC. She isn't a nice person.

Feb2018mumma Mon 04-Mar-19 06:42:12

Oops just had the time to read the whole thread and realised you are B and offered to pay for new items and didn't tell her to pay for them! So sorry for that! My sister honestly never told me her items were on loan but as soon she got pregnant I gave them back as it's polite in my view? In kind of a opposite situation, I earn about 10 times less than my sister, but I honestly just didn't think to keep her stuff even though she never said it was a lease? (I think I'm the minority on this thread as everyone else thinks she is rude for wanting her things back. I think a friend is one thing, but you should be able to ask your sister for your own items if you are a struggling mum, also breastfeeding with 4 kids is a struggle in itself!!)

maddening Mon 04-Mar-19 06:47:12

B should not have argued but asked to wait a couple of months for 1st wage to kick in.

maddening Mon 04-Mar-19 06:52:45

Just noticed you are b, if you had passed stuff back last time why do you think it is different this time, you understood it was borrowed Imo just pissed off it wasn't timed perfect for you. Yabu. Make up with your sister, apologise, for your dc if nothing else - having cousins you grow up with is more important than a ride on toy.

MaybeitsMaybelline Mon 04-Mar-19 06:56:32

I guessed you were B. I think you should have returned the toddler truck as it possibly had sentimental value to A, but the rest of the stuff A is being a complete dick over, and to sell things you are still using is just mean.

I agree with B that as sisters with several children between you then you should be able to pass on, add to, lose, break, add some more to, pass back on, without any conditions. Anything you really wanted to keep and not share then you do just that, keep it and put it away for your next DC’s sole use.

Hope you get it sorted before it escalates B 🌷

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 04-Mar-19 07:12:25

Actually I’d like to amend my comment. The loan thing wasn’t a misunderstanding. You passed things back to your dsis when she had her fourth. You understood these were shared items, which ultimately belong to the original purchasor. In your title you even say about items being borrowed.

EllieQ Mon 04-Mar-19 07:13:54

My older sister gave me a lot of baby things (there’s 8 years between us so her children are several years older than mine). Our cousin had a baby a couple of years after I did, so I passed on stuff from my sister to her - but I always checked that my sister was ok with it first. So I think B was unreasonable, as she should have realised that A would want the loaned items back when A had another baby, and made sure her children didn’t get attached a toy that A would want back soon.

Crystalintheeyes Mon 04-Mar-19 07:15:00

I don’t know anyone that loans toddler toys confused Iv gave some of my kids toys to others as they have out grown them. I wouldn’t dream in a million years to ask for them back if I had another!!

A is being unreasonable and tight.

I also think what you said is fair. Harsh but true.

Eliza9917 Mon 04-Mar-19 07:29:51

What good reasons could A want the original toy back instead of a new one? It doesn't make any difference.

I stopped reading halfway through anyway, but just wondered this ^

Quartz2208 Mon 04-Mar-19 07:34:04

A started it, B continued it. A escalated it and B crossed a line

In effect OP both of you have been. The only way this is going to be resolved is if you both accept you were wrong

Given you have asked on here presumably for validation you were not I can’t see that happening

Halo84 Mon 04-Mar-19 07:43:02

A was unreasonable to want the original toys rather than replacements. However, overall B was more unreasonable. Telling A her financial situation is her fault, because she chooses to be home with her children, is horrid and demands an apology. I think that comment is the reason for the escalation.

I have 3 children. Any toy but for their bedtime stuffed animals would have been totally replaceable. So I think B is overreacting to returning the toys.

Quartz2208 Mon 04-Mar-19 07:43:58

Hold on this escalated from a push along ride along toy type thing. OP is you were prepared to buy s new one why not just give A back hers and keep the new one.

Because that is what started it actually and surely if you could buy a new one that would makes sense. Because saying your dc had an attachment to it is slightly ironic.....

On rereading your post I think you need to take some time to look closely at your part in this. A reacted to your refusal the initial request was reasonable based on how it had worked in the past

Cleanmywindows Mon 04-Mar-19 07:50:09

For those who take issue with my use of a and b, in a genuine attempt to find out if I was unreasonable, I wanted to write it in a way that was as neutral as possible. If I'd written it in the first person, full of how I felt mistreated, this would have coloured opinions. I see posts like this quite often, I'm not sure what the big deal is?

Anyway, thanks for your opinions. Yes it probably was u to comment on her sahm status and associated money struggles. However, it wasn't just me she upset with her remarks yesterday, other family members were also impacted and I was - insensitively perhaps - reminding her that these struggles are due to her own choices rather than anything the rest of us have done.

The offer of the replacement was only because we are not local to each other and it seemed easier to simply have a new one delivered to her. When that was deemed unacceptable i did agree to give the old one back with no more discussion. It was at that point that I said I had no idea it had been a loan, that she'd never used those words and that if there were other things she would be expecting back, it would be a good idea for her to let me know what they were!

I was (and am) pissed off that I am going to be left out of pocket and upset that I had to go round bagging up my toddler's toys, which she will certainly notice are gone. If it had been made clear that the toys were a loan, I would not have accepted them. The use of 'borrowed' in my title was merely an attempt at a summary of the post.

Good advice about being the one to make up, sisters are important etc etc. Not what I feel like doing right now of course but I can see that this is the right thing to do.

Quartz2208 Mon 04-Mar-19 07:54:44

OP in your above post when you say it was at that point that is the point you became unreasonable

Because let’s face it if she hadn’t asked for it back and bought a new one she would also be out of pocket but out of pocket twice. She probably felt it unfair she got a new one and also wanted the one her other 3 children had used

And then you said with the other toys not her

And ride on toys are often dime a dozen at charity shops

INeedNewShoes Mon 04-Mar-19 07:55:59

It's worth rising above this if you can. I think the best way forward is for you to say you're sorry about the misunderstanding and that you have been grateful for the use of the things.

Leave it at that but know never to accept anything from her in future.

I don't think you're massively in the wrong apart from the discussion of her financial situation.

I know my toddler wouldn't remember about certain toys if I removed them (and she doesn't have that many) so hopefully your DC won't be upset as long as you don't mention them.

diabeticsanon Mon 04-Mar-19 08:03:20

op people get confused with the 'a' 'b' thing it's easier to say it's you and dsis to start with, a of the replies have been about who's a / b.
it comes across as 'if i don't get a favourable response no one knows either way.

Cleanmywindows Mon 04-Mar-19 08:16:50

Hmm I didn't think about it like that! I was always going to come clean after I'd got some opinions.

onalongsabbatical Mon 04-Mar-19 08:20:18

Well the big flaw is that you're trying to pass things on but having children close together, so it basically doesn't work, does it? So there's bound to be feelings of entitlement and resentment on both sides.
Best to let it go really and get things elsewhere, as pp have said.

AuntieCJ Mon 04-Mar-19 08:21:38

I don't see anything wrong with the way you worded your original post. I understood it easily.

TedAndLola Mon 04-Mar-19 08:26:04

YABU for the A and B nonsense.

Cleanmywindows Mon 04-Mar-19 08:28:00

I agree onalong but for my part the resentment is due to the fact that I never requested the loan or gift of anything. These items were simply presented to me, often via other family members. They were taken and appreciated. And now I feel like I've done something wrong by not realising they were 'due back' with the birth of the subsequent dn. I suppose I agree with those posters who've said if it's a loan that needs to be stated clearly by the lender and that the loan should be for duration of need.

Anyway, I've learned my lesson!

Danascully2 Mon 04-Mar-19 08:29:34

Is it right that one of you has a 1 year old and one has a 7 month old? That is too small an age gap for this to really work, might have done when they are babies but not as they get older.

Itsallokusually Mon 04-Mar-19 08:32:50

Yabu. Give the stuff back and say thank you.

blackteasplease Mon 04-Mar-19 08:33:12

A is unreasonable. You can't take a toy off a child that she is currently playing with to give to another child who hasn't as yet known anything about said toy.

VelvetPineapple Mon 04-Mar-19 08:41:26

I don't think they were a loan until she realised she was a bit short of cash and became a CF

This. A gave the stuff away then when she realised she still needed it herself she tried to pretend it had always been a loan. She’s a CF - if you give stuff away and regret it you just have to suck it up!

yikesanotherbooboo Mon 04-Mar-19 08:52:59

Find a way to paper over this it is utterly trivial.
FWIW if I pass stuff onto my DSis I expect to get most of it back plus new stuff as bought by her but any leant item is for her DC's use as long as they need it. For this reason I might calculate that I would hang onto eg the cot or pram ( apart from short term lending) in case I need it. I wouldn't worry at all about small items eg clothes or toys and advise you strongly not to fall out of stuff like this. My experience is that when people are being unreasonable over petty issues they may have some background stress or unhappiness going on deserving of your thoughtfulness.

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