How do I get over this

[Singleparent92]

Hi people 👋 so I decided to post because I really think there’s something wrong with me, I can’t seem to hold down a relationship, I met some guy who I can say is “the love of my life” but I blew my chance badly. I believe he felt the same way but because of my issues in pushing people away/acting daft/being rude, he just kind of distanced himself from me. It’s the same with guys I like, I push them away. I was raped at 5 and again at 8 years old I also had a bad childhood and I feel like I can’t get past it even tho I’m now a 27 year old woman. I am getting counselling(1 hour weekly sessions) and that’s been going on for 7 weeks now and I do feel like it’s helping a bit. AIBU to blame my issues/pushing guys away on my bad childhood?? or should they be more understanding? Thanks x

[Outnotdown]

I am glad you are going to counselling, what awful experiences, nobody should have to go through that

7 weeks is not long at all, so hang in there. With regards to men, when you meet the right one for you, he will accept you in your entirety.

It's impossible to know when that will happen, so for now, just focus on yourself and your healing. I wish you well.

[Meandwinealone]

keep on with the counselling.
Do not date anyone at the moment, you are not ready. All you are doing is hurting yourself.

You’re young yet, you have time on your side, if you keep repeating these patterns then you’ll go round and round in circles forever, and many people do. Counselling can help you if you want it to.

And I’m very sorry for what has happened to you, it was and never will be your fault.

[Samind]

Maybe you're still trying to work out how you feel about everything? Don't give yourself a hard time OP. You've been through an awful lot and it will have left it's mark on you. You will have more emotions as you get through your counselling sessions and don't think theres anything wrong with you because we all have coping/defence mechanisms 💜

[Singleparent92]

I don’t tend to give myself a hard time. I’m mostly just upset because I am missing out on opportunities and a chance for me to be in a happy relationship just because of what’s happened in the past, I’ve learnt that being upset will not make things better. I have 13 more weeks of counselling left and I hope my GP will refer me for more. It sucks having to go thru life with this hanging over me Xx

[Meandwinealone]

You’re not missing out on a chance of happiness.

Because if you think like that, you’ll end up forcing yourself to try when it’s not going to work for you.
A relationship doesn’t equal happiness

Really, put that all aside for now. I promise it will be worth it in the long term,

I have friends who have been through similar trauma, they buried it all, felt they needed someone else to “save” them. And now we are all in our 40s the trauma is really rearing its head in a big way.

Therapy is actually really hard work. But it’s work you clearly want to do, so make that your priority for now, then the rest will come naturally. You do not want to end up with the wrong person for you.

[Bellasorellaa]

Do you have children ?

[Bellasorellaa]

And friends?

[Aquamarine1029]

You can't expect other people to manage and understand your issues that you yourself don't have a handle on. Focus on your own treatment and therapy for now.

[Singleparent92]

I don’t have friends as I fell out with one and haven’t bothered/haven’t found one I can be friends with and yes I have one kid. I just had this vision with that man being the stronger one and he would come in and sweep me off my feet and punish the bad people for me haha I guess you would say I’m deluded. it just seems unfair because I’ve never received any compensation or anything for what happened to me, but I am slowly getting to the point of “peace of mind”with the help of counselling

[Meandwinealone]

Yes you are deluded. In the kindest possible way, and not meaning to sound harsh.

You cannot have a man to save you. It doesn’t work like that as you know from experience
Men are the necessarily stronger, try not to stereotype them. We are all human
And are all responsible for our own wellbeing

The minute you put it into someone else’s hands is the minute it will fail

[Meandwinealone]

And you should talk to your therapist about your feelings towards fairness and self pity.
There are some big issues to deal with there

[SleepWarrior]

I think you need to shift the paradigm that you are looking for in a relationship.

The kind of big strong guy who sweeps you off your feet and fights the baddies is not an equal grown up relationship. That's the guy that you wanted to save you when you were a kid (understandably ). But he doesn't exist. The guys who try to be like that are often controlling and unpleasant and suck you into another type of misery.

You need to get your head straight and then focus on finding someone who can be your equal, and a partnership where you complement each other (if you still want a relationship at all - you may not feel the need as you get further through the counselling process).

Good luck

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

My DM was sexually abused as a child by a family membe and has been raped as well and she has only recently started getting help. She has also only recently put two and two together and realised that her behaviour in relationships is down to what's happened (the therapists have all said the same).

She's done exactly the same things as you, she's self destructed and did it on purpose to try and forget.

You need to be kind on yourself, you're in the early stages of counselling which is great. You've been through major trauma, please don't blame yourself. Carry on with the counselling, get your head straight and only when you feel ready, maybe start a relationship.

[Singleparent92]

What that poster said is absolutely true and what I wanted to say but I just couldn’t put it into words :( Thank you for putting it into words for me. I guess I was searching for the guy who could have saved me when I WAS a kid, It’s traumatic because I can’t change the past and need to realise That it’s impossible to save that abused kid because I’m now an adult. I have and can be independent without a man. Thank you for all your replies