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To not feel guilty for cheating

(154 Posts)
Imnotanaccidentaltourist Sun 03-Mar-19 22:40:07

If it's making me happy and therefore by extension making my husband happier too because I am? It's with one person, we are both very clear on what we want out of it and it's just lovely. I don't love my husband any less or any differently. I know it can't carry on for ever and that's ok too. My question is am I a terrible person for not feeling guilty but instead being happy and fulfilled by both things?

Bun123 Tue 12-Mar-19 12:28:52

YoLo and LiftedHigh and others. You have given me a lot to think about and this has helped.

I know for certain I can never forgive him. I do feel I am too old to start again. (Think 50 years marriage,rounding it up by a few months, and knowing him years before and married in my 20’s). I know I should be on gransnet, just a bit too “naice” and cosy for me in the main, love the humour, straight talking and diversity of MN.

I don’t feel like starting another thread at the moment. I realise this will peter out eventually (soon?) and I always have the option to do so in the future. As I said have never posted before, lurked and enjoyed posts for ages saw that nasty, stupid post from OP and had to spill out all the hurt that I had been caused by the very thing she thought was acceptable, even commendable and received love, support and help.
Best thing I have ever done.

There does come a time when your options are limited through age. Kicking him out would result in less financial security, important in old age, possibly having to give up my home, the home we have lived in for over 40 years, the home I bought my kids up in, welcomed our grandchildren, had parties, Christmases, had friends round, visited by my mum dad, - long gone 😕 had good times and bad, struggled when money was tight, but always our home. Also my final gift to my children(fingers crossed) which is something possibly only my generation have the luxury of doing for most ordinary people.
Why should I lose this when he has caused me to lose so much - memories, self esteem, trust, certainty, mental peace etc.

If I had known what was going to happen 10, 15 or 20 years ago it would have been a different story.

Which reminds me, churning it over constantly in my head, I can’t make all the dates tally, I now think it was for much longer than I was told,and who knows if this was the only one. It’s difficult to make sense of a web of lies 😊. For some crazy reason it’s important that I know - so I can torture myself further. Strangely I want every detail. Is this common?

Apart from sneaking, sex and lies, what really hurts is the emotional closeness, the fact he may have loved her. During one of my tearful outbursts I told him I could not bear to think of him discussing me and my shortcomings ( how I know another woman would enjoy that, that type of lowlife anyway) and he assured me he only spoke of me “in a complimentary way”. Even then it gave me a (mental) grin. Why wouldn’t she say - if she’s so great why the hell are you here (in my mates house/room/flat) shagging the arse off me! He must think I’m simple. (Spoiler - I’m not)

Nice to end on a laugh 😆. Thanks all xxxxxx

Clutterbugsmum Tue 12-Mar-19 13:24:18

Surely you should be asking your husband this question instead of strangers. But you won't because you know the answer and that would be that your husband would not agree.

I also think you do feel guilty and trying to convince yourself that you don't.

So grow up have a conversation with your husband and let him decide whether or not he wants to be with his cheating wife.

CabbageHippy Tue 12-Mar-19 13:29:33

@Imnotanaccidentaltourist - I think you should get another one as well - twice the happiness for your husband

ALargeGinPlease Tue 12-Mar-19 16:08:02

Bun just one more thing to think about before you settle for financial security, and I do understand the appeal, if he becomes ill in old age and need your care, will you be prepared to give it?

Bun123 Tue 12-Mar-19 17:49:21

Probably ALargeGinPlease. I have thought about this, and the other way round.
No one knows the future, so a hyperthetical question. Although an interesting one. We promised to love and cherish each other, forsaking all others, in sickness and in health etc. Well vows were easily broken, by him, so it depends what the circumstances are at the time if he becomes needing care. I feel I really don’t owe him anything so anything would be done out of basic human kindness to another sick person, but I would not consider it to be my binding duty at all costs to me and out of love. And I have learnt that I cannot ever rely on his unconditional love.

YoLoHogwomanay Thu 14-Mar-19 12:57:18

@Bun123 Have you thought about separating but still live in the same property? That would give you the ability to start living your own life and seek happiness by yourself, without the upheaval of moving out. Or that he should be the one to move out?

Anyway, there are many practical and financial options that are different to remaining together in a marriage where you have to live with his betrayal. This is what you can discuss with a solicitor, so I'd urge you to get that advice and then think about what is best for YOU. Going to an appointment and having a conversation about options does not commit you to any decision or course of action. It's just information gathering.

Bun123 Thu 14-Mar-19 23:11:18

YoLo thank you. As ever good practical advice. An ounce of help is worth a pound of pity. Other ancient homilies are available!

Yesterday was only two weeks since I found out. He spent the next few days convincing me it was my fault. Didn’t work of course. Shouting at me even acting like the injured party. Justifying himself saying hateful things.

Due to being old (I hate writing that) I have less options. I am for sure never leaving my home, if he lived elsewhere this would have a cost implication and our combined savings would be insufficient to maintain two households ( to be honest I never budgeted for finding out my husband was a lying cheating rat after 49 years) and I will be buggered if I am going to live in poverty or relative poverty for my final years.

Sorry I forgot to address the fact that you had given me practical advice to face these issues. My head is still all over the place. I think we will stay together, living in the same house. I can see no other way. There will be no intimacy, and by that I mean no hugging, kissing, love you’s, affection, phone calls to check he is ok and when he will be home, no our poor you’s when things go wrong and shall I make you a nice cup of tea love etc etc. I will still cook meals ( when I feel like it) and he will still put the bins out. We have separate bedrooms and he goes into the other room to watch sport. It’s a bundle of laughs here.

Financially we have completely shared joint accounts. I think I would be wise to do something about this, separate accounts, split fairly. I thank you for making me aware of this when all I can deal with are my emotions at the moment.

He has now changed - he is meek and regretful, desperate to get his old cosy life back and anxious to please. This cuts no ice. I have been too deeply hurt, I cry every day, can’t sleep, food tastes like dust and the pain does not lessen in fact it deepens. I have not got dressed this week and have cancelled a couple of arrangements with friends as I can be bothered. Will pull my socks up after the weekend and have to see a couple of mates who I cannot let down.

Thanks again xxxxxxx

YoLoHogwomanay Fri 15-Mar-19 00:52:54

@Bun123 He is regretful at getting found out, not for the pain he has caused you.

You sound very low right now, but you also strike me as a woman who won't be kept down for long. All strength to you. I hope you feel able to open up to your friends and seek their support. Don't keep his dirty little secret for him. You need and deserve your friends' support far more than he deserves to keep his pride. Remember, you did nothing wrong.

Stay strong @Bun123 and keep posting if it helps you at all.

Tinkerbell456 Fri 15-Mar-19 05:59:31

I don’t know about a terrible person, but you do sound morally confused. Betraying the trust of someone who loves you in such a basic and huge fashion, all the deception involved in that ( including of yourself by the sound of it) is not okay. This applies whether they know about it or not. How about this scenario. You have stolen a huge sum of money from a friend who trusts you. To date, friend has not missed said money. Does this make it okay? Of course it doesn’t, and you have done way worse than just steal money from the person who should be able to trust you more than anyone else in the world. My advice would be, completely daunting as it is, to end the affair right now. Confess to your husband. The rest is up to him. He may very well dump you I’m afraid. Regardless, the way you living right now cannot continue. It isn’t right and I think you know it or you wouldn’t be here asking about it. I probably sound hideously judge. Hard not to, but I hope I don’t. Sincerely hope all comes out well.

Tinkerbell456 Fri 15-Mar-19 06:02:05

My post is directed at notanaccidentaltourist by the way. Apologies for the double post.

julensaor Fri 15-Mar-19 06:16:59

biscuit OP.. If you have no story, can't tell a story or make something small a story, then wtf are you doing calling yourself a ='journalist'. making people spill their guts to a 'kindred spirit' instead of a supremely untalenteed user who could not make their OP better than a just17 problem age letter. Fuck right off.

heidivodca Fri 15-Mar-19 06:30:52

@Bun - I’ve had a long marriage and appreciate I’m not in your position. I don’t think the last 50 years are a lie and although he was childish when caught (‘it wasn’t my fault”!) remember he still confirmed you are attractive. I don’t think his affair was that important to him (gave the old dog an ego boost) - though I realise that isn’t a comfort. He’d clearly forgotten about it to the extent that the affair ended up getting discovered. I think you are being very sensible and I would do the same as you and stay in my own house on my own terms - it’s still very raw. Set the pace and be kind to yourself - you are worth it!

user1480880826 Fri 15-Mar-19 06:41:17

I think your husband is trying to make himself feel better about what he’s done by saying things like the last 40 years were just “making the best of it”. It’s much easier for him to process ending a relationship that was of no value than one that was built on love and trust. He’s being extremely selfish saying things like that to make himself feel better but which will make you feel even worse. It was a totally unnecessary thing to say.

Bun123 Fri 15-Mar-19 14:26:00

Thanks @heidivodca and @user1480880826 and all others. Concerning getting comfort from my friends by telling them - I honestly think the dearest friend would be getting pissed off with my continual misery-fest. Other people have their own life and problems, and self absorption is not an endearing trait.

Posting on here fulfils the need to vent, rant, try to make sense of it and tell my sorry tale. And what have I received in return? Kindness, understanding, good practical help, empathy and good solid shoulder to shoulder support. All the things you look for in a partner I suppose.
Without you I would have nothing.

Can’t believe I am on AIBU - surely someone should come along and tell me I’m a sad old git, should get over it and there are plenty worse off. Still maybe that is what a partner is for?

Regards saying I was attractive still, I think being attractive is much more than looks, particularly as time takes its toll. I was happy, confident, smiled a lot, fun and good company. I am now miserable, tearful, shake a bit, full of pain and self pity, confused and don’t know who I am any more. The party invites are stacking up!😆

I read a lot of posts, betrayal and hurt feature a lot and I cannot imagine how women cope with this with young children to shield from the hurt and still have to work and deal with financial worries. My heart goes out to them and the courage they show.

Bless you YoLo - I * will* stay strong. He is not going to destroy me.

It’s interesting seeing the different stages he is going through- anger, blaming and justification, then self pity and minimalising and sorrow for being found out. I think the next stage is going to be impatience with my constant dwelling on it and refusal to accept and move on and my not realising how bad this has made him feel. But then this is more evidence of how unreasonable I am. Cos he loves me as a friend and it was only sex and excitement. What every woman longs to hear!

Please anyone with experience can you tell me whether it is normal to want to hear every detail. Or is it just me? Today I asked him if he made some excuse to shower immediately on coming home, in case I could smell her perfume or sex on him. His reply was a pained face and a shouted “ I expect so” and stomping off. Wasn’t it kind of him to try to spare me the hurt and suspicion at the time?

Anyway, this show will run and run (for me at least!). I am not going to make a fake apology for such a long post, it’s done me good and in the words of the master “I wouldn’t have done it if I regretted it”.
Thanks again xxxxxx

youknowmedontyou Fri 15-Mar-19 14:42:24

What @DustyMaiden said! Touché

YoLoHogwomanay Fri 15-Mar-19 18:44:30

@Bun123 You go, woman! Strong and feisty. Remember this when you feel tearful. You can survive this and be stronger for it.

I often see this resource recommended here

It might be useful to you.

Bun123 Fri 15-Mar-19 23:49:35

Oh YoLo chumplady is great! Just read a bit - “when does the pain stop” and some contributions from fellow “chumps” - inspiring and educational. Also some quite funny.
I do like funny. Also had a read of a thread on MN on a poster fancying Rees-Mogg. Hilarious.
Also done a little post this morning saying how lovely the thread was (it was about babies). By the time I had written the post and it was posted the whole thread had turned nasty. My post looked like I was taking the pee or that I was a complete idiot. Gave me a grin!

Anyway - breakthrough- I have found out the next stage in his repertoire- sulking. Tried nasty, tried nice - now sulking and hard done by. Also irritated.

Strong and feisty- my mantra.
Thanks xxxxx. No crying tomorrow 🤞

heidivodca Sat 16-Mar-19 05:13:37

@bun - stay strong and fiesty!

YoLoHogwomanay Wed 20-Mar-19 12:34:35

@Bun123 glad you are starting to see his behaviour for what it is. Soon, he will get annoyed with you that you haven't got over it yet, that you haven't moved on and forgiven him, that you keep bringing it up and harping on and trying to punish him and why can't you just stop talking about it...

It will all be about him and his feelings. He may even suggest you are being nasty and abusing him. Everyone makes mistakes, right? What is wrong with you, that you can't just drop it now? You must have a vindictive and spiteful character flaw if you are intent on making him feel bad all the time...blah blah blah me me me.

All the while refusing to acknowledge the hurt he has caused, and that it is still fresh for you because you've only just found out about his lies and betrayal, when he has known for years.

You need to get your 'angry woman' in gear to deal with this bollocks.

Bun123 Wed 20-Mar-19 16:34:09

Dear YoLo get your crystal ball and set up on the pier - because you are spot on 😊
He is at exactly this stage. He does not get how this has affected me and definitely feels I am making too much of this, he feels like the injured party. And HE is unhappy. Oh dear, never mind.
I feel hurt in so many ways. The betrayal, the disbelief, the sadness and the loss of everything I believed was us was one thing. His reaction of attack, telling me I was to blame, dragging up times I made mistakes- nothing like this I hasten to add, at times I thought I would lose my mind.

I alternate between anger and misery. He asked yesterday what would be our future. I just had to say “ I don’t know”. Bleak is my educated guess.

I told him I did not love him anymore, which is a sad thing to say. He said he still loved me - the only reply to that was “ you have a strange way of showing it”.

I told him I did not accept it was my fault ( please add sound effects of hysterical tears, sobbing and the hurling of remarks like “ every time I look at you I can see you in bed with her, kissing, touching, fingering her and her giving you a blow job ( I have never pretended to be be a lady) and telling her you love her ( in my opinion you can’t get a woman in bed without sweet talk, and he never contradicted me) and IMO some things are just for couples- and in nearly 50 years I have never said I love you to anyone other than him or my children and grandchildren..

Anyway we went to bed (separately) and this morning he came down, face like an arse and banging about, throwing papers etc and I carried on having a “ pass the salt, have you seen the news etc sought of conversation “

Don’t know what to do 😔

Thanks for sticking with me xxxxx

Bun123 Wed 20-Mar-19 16:37:13

* sort of conversation

NannyRed Wed 20-Mar-19 17:02:09

If you really don’t feel guilty, tell your husband.

I can promise you, nobody is going to come out of this with a smile on their face.

You’re a mug, your lover is enjoying extra sex with no strings, your husband is being conned and your lovers wife will suffer for your selfish actions. Trust me, just leave your poor husband.

CraftyYankee Wed 20-Mar-19 17:09:22

Bun, it might be in your best interest to stop interacting with him for a while. Look up the grey rock technique. It might give you some space mentally to think about how you want to proceed.

FlyingTingTing Wed 20-Mar-19 17:30:02

If this is real then yes you're U selfish and immature.

I can't relate to someone who thinks it's fine to lie to your loved ones hmm

YoLoHogwomanay Wed 20-Mar-19 17:32:11

@Bun123 good advice from CraftyYankee there.

It looks like his behaviour NOW is killing whatever might be left of your relationship since the revelation of his historic infidelity.

Can you spend the next few months really concentrating on YOU. Sideline him and just focus on your needs, mental, physical, spiritual (if that's your thing). I don't know what your usual hobbies or routines are, but self care can include joining local classes (yoga, a walking group, cookery, whatever), enjoying lunch out with your own friends, seeing family by yourself, seeing a counsellor, reading books and other helpful resources like the SurvivingInfidelity website, buying yourself flowers every week, having a weekend hotel break with a friend, treating yourself to a mani/pedi/new hairstyle, etc etc. I'm sure you can think of better ideas. My point is that you should spend time on you, looking after your own wellbeing, gathering your strength and self esteem, and working through all the mental headfuck (with professional help ideally), and then you will be in a better place to make decisions about your future. I reiterate my advice upthread too about the information gathering.

In short, forget about him for a while. Live your life, regroup, recover, get strong and then move forward (in whatever way you decide).

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