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To think you have no right to miss someone you didn't see anymore?

(11 Posts)
craftingqueen Sun 03-Mar-19 21:29:39

I'll keep this as brief as possible

An old friend of mine died 5 years ago. We had went through high school together and were best friends for many years. We spent every weekend together and I was also very close with his family. When I fell pregnant with DD1 we still met up and stayed close but I wasn't going out socialising and obviously wasn't drinking (which was something we always did together) so we saw each other less which didn't seem like too big a deal at the time as I had a hard pregnancy and wasn't expecting to maintain the same social life. I had my daughter and one by one I had visitors to meet her but he kept making plans to come then cancelling. I started getting pissed off about it but things were busy and I didn't have too much time to dwell on it. Then came my first night out after having DD when she was about 10 weeks old. Planned it two weeks ahead and confirmed all the friends were coming and he was had confirmed he was definitely coming right up until the actual night when he text to say he had a hangover so couldn't make it. That was the thing that finally did it for me and I was really hurt and angry and we fell out. After not speaking for a while (maybe a month or so) he asked me to meet him for lunch with DD. It was so good to see him and we had a lovely time. We did this every few months for a few years and slowly it was further and further apart until the year before his death where we didn't see or speak to each other at all. I just accepted that it ran its course and it was part of life - no anger or bad will towards him and I still liked seeing how he was doing on social media etc

Then he died. Totally out the blue. It's now five years on and I still have days where I just cry constantly thinking of him and how much I ache just to hear his voice or feel his body cuddling me. I am so angry at myself because logically I think why do I have the right to 'miss' someone the way I do when I didn't feel this pain when he was alive and I didn't see him? I never speak to anyone about this as I feel I have no right and it just seems ridiculous that I can hurt so much over this still as we weren't in each other's lives anymore. If he hadn't died and he was alive now I would probably still not be seeing him so AIBU to say I miss him and to feel this way? My stomach flips when I think of him and I dream about him all the time. Maybe it's regret. I think I just needed to vent this to be honest as I don't know what I am looking for in a reply

If you read this far then thank you

vampirethriller Sun 03-Mar-19 21:32:54

Maybe because when he was alive there was always the possibility of seeing him again, and now there isn't? I think it's perfectly normal to feel like that.

runandbehappy50 Sun 03-Mar-19 21:39:22

It's perfectly rational to me

We all grieve in different ways. It's grief

All hope is removed . It's final. End of an era. I get you. I feel it over people in this way to

Sorry for your lossthanks

AllStar14 Sun 03-Mar-19 21:43:59

I feel the same about an ex boyfriend from my teens who I hadn't seen in years. I dream about him a lot aswell. I don't know why, he wasn't part of my life and hadn't been for a long time but his death hit me very hard. Hope you're OK.

Ohyesiam Sun 03-Mar-19 22:03:25

You are getting your head and heart muddled up op. It’s your heart that loves him, and misses him, and grieves him.
Have patience with yourself and your illogical feelings. Treat your heart as if it were a small child. Listen to it and give it space, and let it be just as it is without judgement, and without considering it has no “right “ to feel this grief.
We grieve for the future,for the Might have been, for things that can never happen now, and it’s painful.

Let yourself cry. If you don’t judge the grief it can ebb and flow.
You are more likely to find yourself stuck in it if you try to limit it or quantify it.

I lost a child over30years ago. If you were a friend and I told you that some days I still grieve her, i bet you would understand. You wouldn’t tell me I had no right to cry over someone I’d never spent proper time with. So be kind to yourself in the same way.

I’m so sorry for your loss flowers

NeverSayFreelance Sun 03-Mar-19 22:06:42

When I was 15, a friend of a friend died from cancer. I've cried over her so many times over the years when I only ever met her once when we went to the beach together with our mutual friend. I don't know why it hurts me so much, but it does. I often think I don't have the right to cry over her - but it's sad and I wish I could've got to know her better because she was wonderful. So I get it and I don't think you should feel unreasonable. You're human and death is sad.

Gingercarrier Sun 03-Mar-19 22:14:04

I'm so so sorry OP. You're grieving and trying to come to terms with the fact that you won't see your friend again. Sending lots of love thanks

stopfuckingshoutingatme Sun 03-Mar-19 22:15:25

I think it’s very normal

As estranged friends there was always a viable possibility you would find each other again

That is sadly not possible now
And you lose the memories and the hope

I love what ohsyiam said actually . Wise words
Sorry Op but allow yourself to grieve here and don’t bury your feelings away

SofaSurfer20 Sun 03-Mar-19 22:40:24

You were close for a very long time.

Grief isn't a process or something you 'get over'. It becomes you, it imbeds itself into your life and small things can remind you of the person you lost. Try to learn to live with it. Instead of crying, think of happy times, instead of being upset you cant meet up again, go over those times you dis meet up.

I found it helpful to write a letter to my loved one after she passed away. 3 A4 sheets long. Front and back. But it helped me heal slightly. 7 years later i still find it difficult some days but death is a part of life and its something you get used to x

Meandwinealone Sun 03-Mar-19 22:48:59

In an odd way I think it’s very hard to grieve someone that you’re no longer in contact with. It’s double grief in a way, the loss of them in 2 ways.

Don’t punish yourself for that grief. Also I imagine he was youngish. So I think it’s very hard to deal with

Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. And perhaps talk about it rather than trying to push it down.

craftingqueen Mon 04-Mar-19 00:05:47

Thank you all so much for the lovely replies, advice and kind words. I appreciate it so much

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