To want to leave my DH after every argument?(23 Posts)
Is this normal?
Like any argument we have, big or small, I want to leave. I plan it in my head, everything.
I'm so tired with a DD4 and DD 4 months and he is a typical nagger, is the only way I can explain it. He's always saying shit to me this weekend he was snapping at me again I'm so sick of it.
we weren't talking coz it all came to a head this morning when he was moaning about the amount of towels in use at one time, so haven't spoke all day, then this evening I come down from putting DD2 to bed, (took 45 mins) and he said to DD1 "your mum is putting u to bed"
I didn't like the way he said it, he nearly always puts DD1 to bed as I do DD2, but in fact tonight I was going to put DD1 to bed anyway as was finished with DD2 bedtime before DD1 bedtime but the fact that he's saying it in a controlling fashion has put my back up
All evening since DDs in bed I've been "fantasising" about leaving
Is this normal?
Or AIBU to think like this over every argument?
Speaking generally, I think it's entirely normal for a baby, and especially a second baby, to put a marriage under huge strain. You are both sleep deprived, and because whichever of you isn't with the baby is with the elder one, neither of you is getting much time off, or at least not as much as you were used to. If your marriage was basically good before, I'd say you should stick with it and see how things are once you are all sleeping properly and more into the routine of being a family of 4.
I know I felt ready to murder my DH on many occasions, and frequently mutter unprintable things about him under my breath, when we were at that stage. The older DC2 got, the easier it has become. When we get cross and snap at each other - as we still do, far, far more often than pre kids - we both know it's the stress and exhaustion talking, not reflective of how we really feel about each other.
I know that "date night" sounds incredibly naff, but if you do have anyone to mind the DC for a couple of hours, getting out together, even if only for a drink at your local or a quick pizza, is a much better test of how you enjoy each other's company.
Relationship fairly okay , I would like more from him in terms of positive attention (not just nagging and Negative attention) , we have a nice house/things, do occasional days out as a family etc...
We have 4mo so at the moment just surviving really!
I wouldn't say our relationship was "great but who's is?
He does his fair share of housework, puts DD1 to bed etc
I do 99% of care for DD2
I have no real complaints about him, other than the complaints he has about me which he vocalises. I rarely nag or have a go at him. Very very very rarely. He's always popping at me.
I told him to sleep in spare room as DD2 bedshares with me and I want him to be"awake" for DD1 etc
I'm literally taking all the share of sleep deprivation
I'm trying my fucking hardest here
I'm absolutely exhausted
And he fucking starts on me .
There tiny things he nags about but when it's alllll the time , on top of no sleep, I just want to LTB
Do you have family you could go to for a few days to get a break from him?
What sort of things does complain about?
It sounds like there's loads of resentment bubbling below the surface - you then eventually blow up at each other but it doesn't resolve anything so you just feel even more resentful.
Unless he's a horrible person I would try and work on the relationship together. Do you think he;d be receptive to having a non-confrontational chat with him about what he could to help you (including the way he talks to you).
Today - too many towels in use so left them in a pile on the floor (which was what caused the argument)
I didn't order enough onions on the shopping
"next time you make scotch eggs can you make sure there's no shell in then like last time"
Can you stop using the coffee table as a dumping ground (typical breastfeeding mother section of diary, pen, mag, snack, drink - he is BU)
Last week he had moaned about how dishwasher was stacked, the mess of toys in the living room (had both kids on my own), he said that I had caused the scratches on the granite work top, there's "shit everywhere" (there really isn't),
So many things
I know this isn’t the main point of the post but how many towels are you using that causes an argument!?
The towels aren't the point, it's the constant scrutiny and whining that grinds you down.
My DH is like this as well OP and it has had me in tears before now and sometimes even hiding upstairs because I don't want him to start.
i understand. Yesterday my DH messaged me to say he couldn’t collect DD2 from school on Thursday. THis would normally be fine, but I am in Birmingham. He knows this, because (unusually) he has to take her to school.
It is the first time this school year, so it is a rare event.
Why is it down to me to organise cover for hi. Double booking himself!?
You're breastfeeding a 4 month old? Tell him to get to fuck.
Departmental he sounds like my horrible exh.
Always picking about something. I could never relax.
Have you said to him, calmly not during an argument, that the constant negativity/nagging wears you down and you'd like it to stop? And if so, how did he respond?
If he's generally a nice person, maybe he's just got into a bad habit/rut of vocalising every single thing that slightly irks him. I'd give him a chance to sort it out before ltb.
If you've told him how much it upsets you and he doesn't care then maybe it is time to throw in the towel!
I also plan my new life after every argument too. Can go on for days, planning my escape, regardless of who's fault the initial argument was, then we'll be ok again. I think I'm just dramatic as I soon get over it.
I completely see why that's driving you mental. I think you do need to calmly explain that while you are breastfeeding a 4 month old, priorities change for a while and things like a tidy house, food exactly as he likes it, etc, are going to slip a bit. That you are doing your best and it's really upsetting you when he points out the things that aren't perfect, that you feel nagged.
That said, while I absolutely accept that you truly believe you are as patient, etc, as you ever were and never nag or complain, etc, that's just unlikely to be true when you are as exhausted as you must be. I know I felt myself totally in the right and like I was always the one turning the other cheek, being the adult, etc. But with the benefit of hindsight, I was being snappy, etc, too. So when you explain to him how you feel, don't let it be a one-sided conversation. Listen to how he feel, which is probably also tired, overwhelmed, missing the person he married (especially if you aren't even sharing a bed), etc.
You MADE Scotch eggs? Does he realise how lucky he is? Buy them ready made from Tesco next time - they won't have shell in them!
You need to tell him how you feel about his nagging, at a time when you're not in the middle of an argument. You're both shattered so you're bound to rub each other up the wrong way.
If he's generally a good and loving partner to you then he will be prepared to listen and hopefully adapt the way he speaks to you.
I do have to say, though, he was definitely flipping unreasonable about the Scotch eggs! You're amazing to have managed to prepare those from scratch whilst looking after a 4 year old and 4 month old!
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