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All my ex girlfriends are crazy.....

(22 Posts)
frustratedindivorce Sun 03-Mar-19 19:59:57

I've always wondered why men decide to spin this story, as time has gone by, I've noticed it's quite a popular narrative when you meet a new guy. Before I knew it was a red flag of course I was like oh no, well I will make sure to prove I'm not like the awful girls he's dated before. Oh dear, how naive was I! Sure enough I became another "crazy ex" in their collection. Now I run a mile if I hear these sort of stories. Of course there will be men who have been victims of DV and EA and I feel like it's an insult to people like that (like the poor guy whose girlfriend was convicted of abusing him). I just really want to understand why men tell this crazy ex story to new women they meet and what's really behind it. How is it to their advantage? Isn't it better to at least try and pretend they are respectful towards women?! I've been in some horrible relationships and I'm really trying to get clued up on red flags!

toffee1000 Sun 03-Mar-19 20:02:51

To try and make out that any issues in their relationships were their partner’s fault, not theirs, I suppose...

Kismetjayn Sun 03-Mar-19 20:09:13

It also means if an ex tries to advise or warn the current gf, she won't be listened to as 'shes just crazy'.

AuntieStella Sun 03-Mar-19 20:13:22

There are some 'crazy' people out there, and a decent person might be duped by one.

Someone saying there's been a whole string of them is either a lying twat, or someone with a fair number of unresolved issues which lead to disastrous personal relationships.

Neither of those sound the greatest start point for dating

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Sun 03-Mar-19 20:14:25

On a serious note, we do actually know someone who attracts women who are slightly unhinged (understatement) from stabbing him, to running him over with a car, to kidnap and locking him up. All different women. I can think of at least 6 who have acted out somewhat violent tendencies, I saw the last one hit him

Jury is out whether he attracts them or he is so bloody annoying they crack and ….. well ….. run him over ….

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Sun 03-Mar-19 20:17:27

There are some 'crazy' people out there, and a decent person might be duped by one. Someone saying there's been a whole string of them is either a lying twat, or someone with a fair number of unresolved issues which lead to disastrous personal relationships.

If we were talking about a woman with a history of poor choices in blokes and habitually in a DV relationship, everyone would accept that reoccurring pattern though. And, offer ways to break that cycle

frustratedindivorce Sun 03-Mar-19 20:22:56

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking wow, that is really shocking. Poor guy. Do you think he's a bit vulnerable or is drawn to troubled people and thinks he can help them?

When they say "crazy," they don't usually elaborate and explain. Sometimes they say things like "she nagged a lot" but when you get to know them and see that they live in a pigsty, you think hmmm.... or they say the ex was "controlling" but when you ask more, it starts to sound like they were just being asked to pull their weight and help.

I completely accept that there are cruel people out there who make their partners' lives hell, but if you went by what you were told, about 90% of women are "crazy!"

I have noticed that if it's a group of ex girlfriends they're describing, they might say they were all crazy, whereas if there's an ex wife, the description will be more specific to her

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Sun 03-Mar-19 20:35:56

@frustrated - no he's an arse ! He drives them insane ! but they're all marginally bonkers to begin with … fatal attraction.

Sn0tnose Sun 03-Mar-19 20:45:21

I think it's to ensure the exact same reaction as you had when you first heard it. And if you do anything he doesn't like, it's because you're just another 'crazy ex' and he can walk away without taking any responsibility for his own behaviour.

Sausage666 Sun 03-Mar-19 21:04:08

I think that is what they like to tell themselves to avoid any responsibility for their own conduct in relationships.

BartonHollow Sun 03-Mar-19 21:15:01

An ex of mine had this narrative of apparently crazy women. Except the thing was, he dumped me by announcing he'd slept with someone on a weekend away I was barely aware he had taken he'd minimised it so much.

This Crazy Ex Girlfriend List has been mentioned during our relationship and the woman he had cheated with had an open Twitter and later attempted to get me to follow her and DM which I ignored.

I knew they'd split up when I saw she'd posted

"I suppose I'm on your list now"

But the reality was he was an overgrown juvenile fuckboy who didn't want to be constrained by the demands of real relationships so would choose women living long distance and then refuse to commit, all the while bemoaning his poor luck and THE CRAZIES to his friends when actually due to his own dysfunction not only was he not capable of being an adequate partner to anyone he was too selfish to want to be and would rather spend his time wanking over comics

frustratedindivorce Sun 03-Mar-19 21:28:28

How common is it for people to say this? I would say maybe 50-75% of men I've been on dates with or had a conversation about relationships with say "my ex was crazy."
I just remembered the first time I ever heard it and I was genuinely shocked and concerned at the time 😂

LisaSimpsonsbff Sun 03-Mar-19 21:30:37

* Before I knew it was a red flag of course I was like oh no, well I will make sure to prove I'm not like the awful girls he's dated before. Oh dear, how naive was I!*

I mean, you know exactly why they say it then? It's so you think this!

Neckercheiftheif Sun 03-Mar-19 21:33:59

‘Psycho ex’ hmm

I’m sure if all of one’s exes have been ‘crazy’ the problem must lie with oneself!

All those crazy bitches can’t be wrong grinwine

Sn0tnose Sun 03-Mar-19 21:34:50

It is 100% common in fuckboys, cheaters, shitcunts and liars. Every single one of them will trot this tired old line out.

I've never heard it from anyone who has turned out to be decent person having known them over an extended period of time.

SwimmingKaren Sun 03-Mar-19 21:40:33

If every one of your exes is crazy then surely you are the common denominator in all this. And why would you advertise that to someone you want to date who is presumably thinking hmm one day you’re going to be sitting here with someone else saying the same thing about me. confused

formerbabe Sun 03-Mar-19 21:45:02

You are totally correct op...massive red flag, as is slagging off their exes in general.

MarieIVanArkleStinks Sun 03-Mar-19 22:03:52

Ah, the 'everyone else is crazy but me' scenario. Who hasn't heard that sentiment before? It's invariably applicable in reverse ...

user1493413286 Sun 03-Mar-19 22:09:16

A nice guy won’t describe his ex as crazy or a psycho even if their ex’s had some issues. My DHs ex had an issue with alcohol and acted in quite a crazy way when drunk however he will always describe her as someone with problems and be kind about her despite the fact that I’ve heard some awful stories.
Whilst my abusive ex would describe his ex’s really badly as he had no respect for women, took no responsibility for anything he did wrong and wanted to make sure that he could discredit anything they might say about him.

Popc0rn Sun 03-Mar-19 22:11:36

OP have you ever heard of the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft?

I haven't read it, but one of my colleagues thinks it's the best thing she's ever bought, and helps you to see red flags more clearly. Also seems to have very good reviews on Amazon. Good luck for the future!

NoraBatteh Sun 03-Mar-19 22:13:49

I'm bi(NC)

And I can honestly say all 3 of my exGfs are crazy.

Maybe I attract them but they all were abusive and stalky and 1 I had to get police involved.

All my male exs were cocky arseholes who gaslighted with narcissistic traits and all my female exs were possessive and controlling.

Can't win

Februaryblooms Sun 03-Mar-19 22:19:28

I think it's to counteract the potential for taking the 'crazy exes' warnings seriously, should they crop up before the mask slips.

In most of these cases I'd bet that the bloke has been a complete twat and is worried about the new girlfriend hearing about it, so if she does happen to hear from the ex then he can pop out the "I told you she was obsessed/crazy/a stalker" card.

It benefited my abusive exP that I bought into the narrative and believed him when he told me his last girlfriend was unstable. He did a good enough number on me (in my younger years and naivety) to have me brush off almost everything she tried to warn me about (before I saw it for myself)

I wouldn't touch somebody who says this with a bargepole these days, if i were single.

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