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AIBU?

AIBU to think that Quora is endorsing domestic violence?

119 replies

FizzAfterSix · 03/03/2019 17:57

I was reading a thread on Quora about John Lennon and the thorny subject of his alleged domestic violence to both his wives came up.

I just couldn’t believe it when commentators started excusing domestic violence because he might’ have had bipolar or some unspecified mental illness. And then a commentator wrote:<br /> <br /> I’m not ashamed to say I’d hit a woman with equal force if she hit me. You’re a woman and you should know because you asked for it….its called equality’

Maybe I have too much time on my hands but as a victim of DV myself this really got my goat and I replied:

Wow. Women are physically weaker than men so if you hit a woman 'with equal force' you'd probably kill her.<br /> <br /> You sound like a disgusting wife beater trying to justify male abuse. Pathetic’.<br /> <br /> OK, I apologise for using strong words like, um, pathetic, but I was even more shocked to get a poncy email from Quora telling me off. <br /> <br /> Hello,<br /> We recently found some of your content that violates Quora's Be Nice, Be Respectful policy (See What is Quora's "Be Nice, Be Respectful" policy?).<br /> <br /> Please keep this policy in mind when interacting with other people on Quora. If you continue posting content that violates this policy, you may be banned from using Quora. For more information, see: How do I appeal a Quora Moderation decision?<br /> <br /> AIBU unreasonable to be thoroughly pissed off that Quora objected to my pretty mild language responding to a commentator sanctifying domestic abuse? Why is it that I am being accused of not being nice’ and respectful’ when surely they should be going after a man who boasts about not being ashamed to say I’d hit a woman with equal force…’ etc etc.

It’s horrifying that 50,000 women a year are killed by their partners (according to a UN report in 2018) and extraordinary that mainstream social media sites are just compounding the problem like this.

This is a link to the thread:
www.quora.com/Was-John-Lennon-really-a-jerk/answer/Artie-DeMonte/comment/49823696

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1234User · 03/03/2019 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OftenHangry · 03/03/2019 18:37

Wait. So he said that if someone hit him, he would hit back same way?
That's nit dv. That's a self defense?

Though I agree DV is horrible. No matter who the victim is.

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hellenbackagen · 03/03/2019 18:41

Self defence is using what ever force necessary to avoid injury to yourself- to protect yourself not a tit for tat strike.

Hitting back isn't self defence.

Self defence can be a pre emptive strike to stop someone hitting you.

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FizzAfterSix · 03/03/2019 18:42

I wasn't suggesting that physical abuse from women to men is acceptable either.

However, if a man hits a woman he is likely to severely injure her - while there are cases of women killing men it is far more likely that a man, with his superior physical strength, will do far more damage, hence the terrifying statistic of 50,000 women being killed worldwide every year. I'm sorry you find this statistic unreasonable but it is the horrific reality.

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FizzAfterSix · 03/03/2019 18:44

Sorry @hellenbackagen, my comment wasn't replying to you - I agree with what you say.

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Tomtontom · 03/03/2019 18:46

You're missing the point OP, the poster said they would hit back with equal force, not more.

And it's bloody childish to bring an argument on one forum onto another, just in the hope you'll get more supportive posts.

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1234User · 03/03/2019 18:46

I don’t find your statistic unreasonable, I agree any form of abuse is awful, no matter the sex Of the person carrying it out.

What I find unreasonable is your need for a social media site to “go after” a man who is giving his opinion on an emotive topic, after you gave your opinion.

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TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 03/03/2019 18:48

Well, I'll start by saying that despite being female I could easily hit a man as hard as he could hit me. I'm female, that doesn't mean I am physically weak!

I would also say that if I was hitting a man (whether I was strong or not) then it would not be abuse for him to hit me back.

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OftenHangry · 03/03/2019 18:48

@hellenbackagen if she keeps attacking it would be. You are right though. Sorry.

@FizzAfterSix If I hit someone I fully expect being hit back. Are you saying the man should just let women hit him, because he is (supposedly) stronger?

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TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 03/03/2019 18:51

Btw your comment to him about sounding like a wife beater trying to excuse domestic violence was completely out of line in the context. So they were right to slap your wrist

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FizzAfterSix · 03/03/2019 18:53

OK @tomtontom. Keep your hair on and no need to swear. Hitting a woman back 'with equal force' isn't acceptable either as this is how things escalate.

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RepealTheGRA · 03/03/2019 18:53

What is Quora? It sounds shit.

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1234User · 03/03/2019 18:56

So what’s your opinion on the “equal force” used in the Sally Challen case?

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FizzAfterSix · 03/03/2019 19:07

Sally Challen had been a victim of coercive control by an abusive husband over many years (according to her sons and friends), who all want her sentence to be scrapped. However while I have been following the case in the papers I cannot claim to be an expert in it. I'm very glad her case is being retried though.

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1234User · 03/03/2019 19:18

I do too, I hope she is retried, found not guilty and released immediately to (try) and rebuild her life.

But I would feel the same if it was Simon Challen....making DV a sexist issue of toxic masculinity helps nobody.

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Frecklesonmyarm · 03/03/2019 19:31

I have known 2 women that do think it's ok to hit their Male partners because they know they wont hit them back. One if these men ended up in hospital because she smacked him the back if his head and, her words, 'caught him wrong with my ring'. She didn't think it was a big deal because she was weaker and didn't mean to cause a gash in the head. I couldnt speak to her anymore, and when her son came to the hospital and told her to tell the police he hit her first even though it wasnt true, I wanted to be sick

I suffered abuse at the hands of my ex husband. I think you were in the wrong and quora were ok to email you.

People usually hit people they think can get away with hitting. Men who beat their female partners up do it because they can. Some women do it because they know they can and their partner wont retaliate.

Personally, I am in the if you hit someone and they hit you back, tough shit. If the person you hit happens to be stronger, that's your bad luck.

Let's look at lesbians relationships. The physically weaker one hits their partner and the other hits back, but harder....is that ok? Or should the partner who was hit first, just take it because they are stronger?

Women should be allowed to get away with hitting people because they are women. DV isn't just about the physical damage. It's about the absolute disrespect you have to put you hands on someone.

I have seen many boys, girls, men and women in my time be aggressive and bullying because no one fires it back. As soon as someone does it back they disappear back under their rock.

Abuse escalates when only one person is doing the hitting. Sitting back and taking it doesnt prevent that.

The message should be that no one should be violent to their partner, regardless of who is weaker or stronger

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OftenHangry · 03/03/2019 19:35
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OftenHangry · 03/03/2019 19:37

Well that didn't work out...

@Frecklesonmyarm I applaud you. Firstly for getting away and secondly for probably the best written and reasonable argument about DV on MN.

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1234User · 03/03/2019 19:51

Exactly what freckles said👏👏👏

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ADropofReality · 03/03/2019 19:58

AIBU unreasonable to be thoroughly pissed off that Quora objected to my pretty mild language responding to a commentator sanctifying domestic abuse?

Um, I suspect the objection was not to you using "bad language" like 'Pathetic', but more that you accused the person you were arguing with of "sounding like a wife beater". That will have been taken as you accusing that person of being a wife beater, and that person probably reported you for that.

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BeanTownNancy · 03/03/2019 20:51

You turned an open discussion into a personal attack on a pp, suggesting they sounded "disgusting" and "pathetic". That's what breached the "Be nice. Be respectful" policy. While you are allowed to disagree with him, he was not disrespectful to anyone and you were.

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TripeAtFourPence · 03/03/2019 21:42

making DV a sexist issue of toxic masculinity helps nobody.

But it is an issue of toxic masculinity and it is sex based..2 men are not being murdered by women each week in the UK.

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Justanotherlurker · 03/03/2019 22:02

People need to grow up on this vague call to action on other forums, if you have an issue with it you deal with it there, you don't come over to other forums and try and warrant some form of retribution/confirmation.

Deal with it there, the fact Quora is an overall hivemind ridiculed even on Tumblr should highlight why cross posting "difficult" conversations is a bit pathetic.

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1234User · 03/03/2019 22:37

@tripeatfourpence read my previous posts...it’s not an exclusively male issue

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Frecklesonmyarm · 04/03/2019 04:57

Thank you OftenHangry and 1234User.

I do agree with the pp, there is issue in the fact that women are dying at the hands of men every week. I am not convinced it just a Male issue though.

It doesnt follow, in my opinion, that women should be allowed to abuse men and men have to sit their and take it. Men who abuse women are at an advantage because of their strength. Women who are abusing men are at an advantage because they are using the fact that a man wont hit back.

DV shouldn't be ignored from either party. If you are disgusting enough to put your hands your partner, and it back fires thought shit.

OP I dont understand how you can be happy that SC is having a retrial, but also so concerned that a man hitting a woman back isn't right because it's not equal force? If it's about equal force, surely you would agree that murdering someone who has mentally bullied you, but isn't attacking you isn't equal force?

I am glad SC is having a retrial. I hope it will start people thinking more about emotional abuse and the damage it causes. For both genders. DV is not just about physical harm, it's the psychological damage it causes. Emotional abuse is just as psychologically damaging and can be worse.

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