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AIBU to think that Quora is endorsing domestic violence?

(120 Posts)
FizzAfterSix Sun 03-Mar-19 17:57:35

I was reading a thread on Quora about John Lennon and the thorny subject of his alleged domestic violence to both his wives came up.

I just couldn’t believe it when commentators started excusing domestic violence because he `might’ have had bipolar or some unspecified mental illness. And then a commentator wrote:

`I’m not ashamed to say I’d hit a woman with equal force if she hit me. You’re a woman and you should know because you asked for it….its called equality’

Maybe I have too much time on my hands but as a victim of DV myself this really got my goat and I replied:

`Wow. Women are physically weaker than men so if you hit a woman 'with equal force' you'd probably kill her.

You sound like a disgusting wife beater trying to justify male abuse. Pathetic’.

OK, I apologise for using strong words like, um, pathetic, but I was even more shocked to get a poncy email from Quora telling me off.

We recently found some of your content that violates Quora's Be Nice, Be Respectful policy (See What is Quora's "Be Nice, Be Respectful" policy?).

Please keep this policy in mind when interacting with other people on Quora. If you continue posting content that violates this policy, you may be banned from using Quora. For more information, see: How do I appeal a Quora Moderation decision?

AIBU unreasonable to be thoroughly pissed off that Quora objected to my pretty mild language responding to a commentator sanctifying domestic abuse? Why is it that I am being accused of not being `nice’ and `respectful’ when surely they should be going after a man who boasts about not being `ashamed to say I’d hit a woman with equal force…’ etc etc.

It’s horrifying that 50,000 women a year are killed by their partners (according to a UN report in 2018) and extraordinary that mainstream social media sites are just compounding the problem like this.

This is a link to the thread:

1234User Sun 03-Mar-19 18:32:18

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OftenHangry Sun 03-Mar-19 18:37:34

Wait. So he said that if someone hit him, he would hit back same way?
That's nit dv. That's a self defense?

Though I agree DV is horrible. No matter who the victim is.

hellenbackagen Sun 03-Mar-19 18:41:54

Self defence is using what ever force necessary to avoid injury to yourself- to protect yourself not a tit for tat strike.

Hitting back isn't self defence.

Self defence can be a pre emptive strike to stop someone hitting you.

FizzAfterSix Sun 03-Mar-19 18:42:40

I wasn't suggesting that physical abuse from women to men is acceptable either.

However, if a man hits a woman he is likely to severely injure her - while there are cases of women killing men it is far more likely that a man, with his superior physical strength, will do far more damage, hence the terrifying statistic of 50,000 women being killed worldwide every year. I'm sorry you find this statistic unreasonable but it is the horrific reality.

FizzAfterSix Sun 03-Mar-19 18:44:41

Sorry @hellenbackagen, my comment wasn't replying to you - I agree with what you say.

Tomtontom Sun 03-Mar-19 18:46:17

You're missing the point OP, the poster said they would hit back with equal force, not more.

And it's bloody childish to bring an argument on one forum onto another, just in the hope you'll get more supportive posts.

1234User Sun 03-Mar-19 18:46:23

I don’t find your statistic unreasonable, I agree any form of abuse is awful, no matter the sex Of the person carrying it out.

What I find unreasonable is your need for a social media site to “go after” a man who is giving his opinion on an emotive topic, after you gave your opinion.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge Sun 03-Mar-19 18:48:03

Well, I'll start by saying that despite being female I could easily hit a man as hard as he could hit me. I'm female, that doesn't mean I am physically weak!

I would also say that if I was hitting a man (whether I was strong or not) then it would not be abuse for him to hit me back.

OftenHangry Sun 03-Mar-19 18:48:09

@hellenbackagen if she keeps attacking it would be. You are right though. Sorry.

@FizzAfterSix If I hit someone I fully expect being hit back. Are you saying the man should just let women hit him, because he is (supposedly) stronger?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge Sun 03-Mar-19 18:51:09

Btw your comment to him about sounding like a wife beater trying to excuse domestic violence was completely out of line in the context. So they were right to slap your wrist

FizzAfterSix Sun 03-Mar-19 18:53:37

OK @tomtontom. Keep your hair on and no need to swear. Hitting a woman back 'with equal force' isn't acceptable either as this is how things escalate.

RepealTheGRA Sun 03-Mar-19 18:53:49

What is Quora? It sounds shit.

1234User Sun 03-Mar-19 18:56:11

So what’s your opinion on the “equal force” used in the Sally Challen case?

FizzAfterSix Sun 03-Mar-19 19:07:58

Sally Challen had been a victim of coercive control by an abusive husband over many years (according to her sons and friends), who all want her sentence to be scrapped. However while I have been following the case in the papers I cannot claim to be an expert in it. I'm very glad her case is being retried though.

1234User Sun 03-Mar-19 19:18:32

I do too, I hope she is retried, found not guilty and released immediately to (try) and rebuild her life.

But I would feel the same if it was Simon Challen....making DV a sexist issue of toxic masculinity helps nobody.

Frecklesonmyarm Sun 03-Mar-19 19:31:42

I have known 2 women that do think it's ok to hit their Male partners because they know they wont hit them back. One if these men ended up in hospital because she smacked him the back if his head and, her words, 'caught him wrong with my ring'. She didn't think it was a big deal because she was weaker and didn't mean to cause a gash in the head. I couldnt speak to her anymore, and when her son came to the hospital and told her to tell the police he hit her first even though it wasnt true, I wanted to be sick

I suffered abuse at the hands of my ex husband. I think you were in the wrong and quora were ok to email you.

People usually hit people they think can get away with hitting. Men who beat their female partners up do it because they can. Some women do it because they know they can and their partner wont retaliate.

Personally, I am in the if you hit someone and they hit you back, tough shit. If the person you hit happens to be stronger, that's your bad luck.

Let's look at lesbians relationships. The physically weaker one hits their partner and the other hits back, but that ok? Or should the partner who was hit first, just take it because they are stronger?

Women should be allowed to get away with hitting people because they are women. DV isn't just about the physical damage. It's about the absolute disrespect you have to put you hands on someone.

I have seen many boys, girls, men and women in my time be aggressive and bullying because no one fires it back. As soon as someone does it back they disappear back under their rock.

Abuse escalates when only one person is doing the hitting. Sitting back and taking it doesnt prevent that.

The message should be that no one should be violent to their partner, regardless of who is weaker or stronger

OftenHangry Sun 03-Mar-19 19:35:44


OftenHangry Sun 03-Mar-19 19:37:27

Well that didn't work out...

@Frecklesonmyarm I applaud you. Firstly for getting away and secondly for probably the best written and reasonable argument about DV on MN.

1234User Sun 03-Mar-19 19:51:40

Exactly what freckles said👏👏👏

ADropofReality Sun 03-Mar-19 19:58:17

AIBU unreasonable to be thoroughly pissed off that Quora objected to my pretty mild language responding to a commentator sanctifying domestic abuse?

Um, I suspect the objection was not to you using "bad language" like 'Pathetic', but more that you accused the person you were arguing with of "sounding like a wife beater". That will have been taken as you accusing that person of being a wife beater, and that person probably reported you for that.

BeanTownNancy Sun 03-Mar-19 20:51:14

You turned an open discussion into a personal attack on a pp, suggesting they sounded "disgusting" and "pathetic". That's what breached the "Be nice. Be respectful" policy. While you are allowed to disagree with him, he was not disrespectful to anyone and you were.

TripeAtFourPence Sun 03-Mar-19 21:42:38

making DV a sexist issue of toxic masculinity helps nobody.

But it is an issue of toxic masculinity and it is sex based..2 men are not being murdered by women each week in the UK.

Justanotherlurker Sun 03-Mar-19 22:02:00

People need to grow up on this vague call to action on other forums, if you have an issue with it you deal with it there, you don't come over to other forums and try and warrant some form of retribution/confirmation.

Deal with it there, the fact Quora is an overall hivemind ridiculed even on Tumblr should highlight why cross posting "difficult" conversations is a bit pathetic.

1234User Sun 03-Mar-19 22:37:31

@tripeatfourpence read my previous’s not an exclusively male issue

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