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AIBU to feel insulted

(12 Posts)
displaycase Sun 03-Mar-19 11:11:32

AIBU to feel insulted?

I have known my friend since primary school and we have been there through illnesses, split ups, boyfriend troubles. She is one of my closest friends. We both spent our early thirties talking a lot about how much we longed for children. I left my husband because he didn't want to have children and at around this time she fell accidentally pregnant (in a short lived relationship). The christening was a massive affair with six godparents (half his choice). When I arrived at the event, my friend’s sister and one of our mutual friends both assumed I was one of the God-mothers and were embarrassed when I said I was not. My friend didn’t say anything at all - the fact I wasn’t a godparent was never discussed or mentioned.

Forward seven years: I’m pregnant and my friend asks me over lunch if she can be a godmother. She says it’s good to have godparents with money and connections! I am quietly astounded and mumble and say nothing, but I feel outraged inside, and I still feel outraged two years later (I didn’t make her a godparent btw). In this time, her son has had quite a few problems but not one of my friends’ god-parents is still on the scene.

Even though I've pushed this down, it has altered the way I feel about her. I know in many ways she appreciates, values and even admires me, but in one essential respect she didn't feel I am good enough to be her son’s godmother.

Should I say anything now? Can I/Should I get over this? AIBU?

DuchessOfPhysics Sun 03-Mar-19 11:15:50

What did you say in answer to her question?!

I'd ask her if she feels she made the wrong choice choosing her son's GPs. And listen calmly to the answer before you decide. She does sound like a good friend overall.

She maybe got caught up in what her chld's father wanted and regrets it. But she hasn't reassured you with any new insight.

DuchessOfPhysics Sun 03-Mar-19 11:18:14

Oh I'm sorry, this was two years ago. I thought she was waiting for your answer!

I think you should, if you can do it calmly, open up that question. Ask her if she could do it all again, would she have chosen different Godparents. Maybe her answer will make you feel validated as having been the 'right' choice for godparent. Or maybe you will decide you don't care.

I'm relieved when people don't pick me as it's responsibility I don't want! I've one godchild and I never forget her birthday, so wh'd want a dozen godchildren when they're busy!

Confusedbeetle Sun 03-Mar-19 11:21:29

In the first place, I am always horrified at what people think Godparents are for. I am not a Christian but the clue is in the name. It is to support the spiritual and Christian needs of the child. NOT BUY PRESENTS.
In the second place she wants to be a special person to your child. Are you a Chritian? Is she? If not I would just laugh it off. It joins the ranks of hen do's. baby showers, weddings and all the other excuses to be grabby
Being a godparent is not about being a worthy person, its about religion

displaycase Sun 03-Mar-19 11:26:53

About two years before she asked me if she could be a go, we were out to dinner with her new fiancé - reflecting on the difficulties her child was having. He said can’t the godparents help and she said, I’m not in contact with them anymore. He said - I was sitting there! -make display case a godparent now! You could have a late ceremony”. My friend said nothing and there was an embarrassed silence round the table!

displaycase Sun 03-Mar-19 11:28:29

I understand what you mean but in the secular world god parent is someone who is there for the child. I am a godparent to two kids - it’s not about presents but I’m friend with the kids particularly now they’re grown up. We charge go out to dinne. I see it a another adult to be there in the child’s life. Her ceremony was also non religious. I have turned down being a god parent once as it was a church ceremony.

Crunchycrunchycrunchy Sun 03-Mar-19 11:29:16

I'm not sure about why are you letting something fester that happened 2 years ago. You will look a bit crazy if you bring it up now. IMO, put it to bed and move on.

displaycase Sun 03-Mar-19 11:31:16

It happened nine years ago. That’s even worse!

displaycase Sun 03-Mar-19 11:31:37

The answer is move on I guess.

DuchessOfPhysics Sun 03-Mar-19 11:34:05

@confusedbeetle, I think that's a pretty hardline though. Certainly in my country, you need to pragmatic christianity because faith schools prioritise children who've been christened (although I think they've changed that or are changing it, but, my point is it's a bit harsh to be appalled by a practice that people are forced in to really, just in order to make sure that their child has the option of going to the right school for them, or the closest school)

I agree with the OP that a GP is a kind of promise to be there for the child, to step in and ensure that that child's well-being is paramount in the event of any accident or upset or trauma that might befall the parent(s).

The present once a year is partly to show that you take that seriously. This is why I have one God child.

Finding Godparents is obviously very hard for some people as I don't have that many people who i'm that close to. I grew apart from my son's god mother and even though she was very good I told her that he wouldn't be making his confirmation and that she was to consider herself absolved!! I said it diplomatically with more intention not to hurt her than intention not to disrespect religion.

ElloBrian Sun 03-Mar-19 11:38:30

I think it’s pretty normal to be hurt by this and I guess that it defines the limits of your friendship - you’re a medium friend not a ‘top’ friend. But I don’t think there’s anything to be achieved by bringing it up with her I’m afraid. I would just mentally put her in the ‘medium friend’ category and leave it at that.

Sorry OP, it is very hurtful when people who we thought we were close to are thoughtless like this. flowers

MintyT Sun 03-Mar-19 12:05:18

I think it hurt you then, you let it be. But her asking and a comment has triggered how you felt then. But I don't think you should let it upset you now. Perhaps you could say you was disappointed at the time not be be asked to be a GP, but your happy to be another caring adult in his life. Let it go except it upset you and less it pass you buy.
I wasn't asked to be GP to one of my friends, which was a good choice at the time as we hadn't know each other long the GP she chose is brilliant and a big part of his life. He was a very sick child and has a disability, my children and I were a massive influence in his childhood and an just as important in his life as his GP. Be the best your fried is lucky to have you

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