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WIBU?- Roadside shrines

(443 Posts)
Arnoldthecat Sun 03-Mar-19 08:13:21

This is more of a ..would i be unreasonable....to not want a roadside shrine directly outside my house/garden gate/in close proximity..?

Hot4Holes Sun 03-Mar-19 08:15:16

Yanbu but I expect others would judge harshly if you moved it.

PrawnOfCreation Sun 03-Mar-19 08:16:37

Do you live on my scheme? There's one right near us, DD saw it, wanted to look at the "beautiful flowers". She's too young to have it explained.

DisplayPurposesOnly Sun 03-Mar-19 08:17:38

I don't like them, but why does it bother you?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine Sun 03-Mar-19 08:19:55

I understand that that might bother you but it's really not something you can object to. If it was me I'd try to find out about the person so that I could acknowledge them as I passed. You definitely can't do anything to get rid of it so trying to embrace it as part of the local scenery is the best you can do.

Birdsgottafly Sun 03-Mar-19 08:20:32

Did someone die on that spot? Who were they?

If it starts to be neglected over time, then it's fine to remove it, but straight after and my opinion is, why upset someone whose already grieving.

strawberrypenguin Sun 03-Mar-19 08:26:13

Is it against your gate/property? I don't think YABU but grief means people don't think straight. If it's not impending you or damaging your property I'd leave it for a little bit then remove it.

LL83 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:26:40

Yanbu to not want it it. Yabvu if you say this to anyone in real life or to move it.

Wont be long, and if it comforts mourners then leave them to it.

SavoyCabbage Sun 03-Mar-19 08:28:38

You aren't unreasonable not to want it but it's there now. People don't want all sorts outside their homes. Like Birds says you could probably move it if it becomes neglected.

ChodeofChodeHall Sun 03-Mar-19 08:29:24

I've never seen a roadside shrine in the UK.

An actual shrine, like they have by the roadside on Greek islands?

Or a load of bunches of petrol-station carnations with the wrappers still on, tied to a lamppost?

PlumpAndPlain Sun 03-Mar-19 08:32:38

You can't count on it being a short term thing though. My mum's friend has maintained her son's roadside shrine for the last 15 years...

10IAR Sun 03-Mar-19 08:33:25

YANBU not to want it, YWBVVVVU to remove it yourself unless it had become tattered and uncared for.
Is it a recent death?

DoingTheBestICan Sun 03-Mar-19 08:34:36

There is a shrine near a road where I live, it has flowers, balloons, tinsel, garden ornaments, a cross and lots of tat.
It is about 4 foot wide and is a bit of a distraction, it's on a nasty road.

ItchySeveredFoot Sun 03-Mar-19 08:35:11

I hate them. They never look nice and all that horrible plastic gets left out.

Jebuschristchocolatebar Sun 03-Mar-19 08:37:55

They are everywhere in Ireland. I think they are awful. There was someone killed in an accident on a residential road hear where I live and people keep leaving flowers and teddies outside someone’s house. The owners keeping having to clear them two years later and are probably getting really pissed off at this stage considering the accident had nothing to do with them.

Rachie1973 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:38:03

My friend lost her parents in a car accident about 9 years ago. Random strangers with good intentions started the roadside shrine, but she loathes them. Says they look dirty and dusty. She visits her parents grave to leave floral tributes.

SileneOliveira Sun 03-Mar-19 08:38:22

I wouldn't want one outside my house either. A few flowers - fine. But it never is just a few flowers. It's the plastic wrapping, the balloons, the other crap people think it's appropriate to leave lying around. And then it gets wet, and the flowers wilt and it just looks AWFUL and bereaved family never clear it all away.

But good luck saying that to a family which has lost someone.

IWantChocolates Sun 03-Mar-19 08:38:28

I used to live in South East London. There was an actual shrine just down the road from us, actually built into the hoarding of the building site opposite our flat (Must have been agreed with the company when the hoarding went up). Photos, candles, flowers in vases, messages, the works. Every year on the anniversary of the young man's death or his birthday (I think it was a knife crime), about 50 people would turn up, play loud music, game, sing, eat food, drink, smoke.

Yes, it was annoying on a school night but it was so occasional we just let them do what they needed to. They stopped visiting when that bit of hoarding came down to make a vehicle access to the construction site. I felt sorry for them they didn't have it anymore but things change.

3luckystars Sun 03-Mar-19 08:39:04

When i worked in the airport, this man would ring every day complaining about the noise and how it was frightening his animals.
The airport was there long before him!
He moved beside an airport and then complained about the airport.

Did you move beside a shrine and now want it taken down?

If yes then you are being unreasonable.

AJPTaylor Sun 03-Mar-19 08:39:11

We had one where we used to live but what the families did was plant the verge with spring bulbs so every spring there is a bright spring like reminder.
As for the rest of them I just pray I never find out what comfort it brings.

3luckystars Sun 03-Mar-19 08:41:48

Sorry, sincere apologies. I live in Ireland and thought you meant a shrine to Mary with a statue because there are loads of them here for hundreds of years. Sorry i did not understand the type of shrine you meant.

SalliSunbeem Sun 03-Mar-19 08:41:51

Why do we do it? It's a new thing, years ago it wasn't done.

MamaLazarou Sun 03-Mar-19 08:42:51

SileneOliveira Could not agree more.

Villanellesproudmum Sun 03-Mar-19 08:43:36

A little random comparing an airport to a roadside tribute.

Lovemusic33 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:43:52

It’s a tough one, I see both sides. Obviously someone has lost their son, daughter, dad, mother or friend and they want to place flowers and I can see why they would want to do this, but I can also see that it may cause upset if it’s directly outside your house and you have to explain to your children what happened. I have alsways been open with my kids about death and they have never really asked about flowers on the side of the road, they know what they are there for and it’s normal to feel a little bit sad that someone we didn’t know lost their life.

ScreamingValenta Sun 03-Mar-19 08:45:50

Villanellesproudmum The poster misread the thread and type of shrine being discussed.

Littledidsheknow Sun 03-Mar-19 08:45:54

Do you mean like a cellotaph? An ugly display of ageing plastic wrapped flowers? If so YANBU. They look awful.

Disfordarkchocolate Sun 03-Mar-19 08:46:18

Every time I see one I tell my husband not do this for me f I die in a road accident. After a few days of bad weather they look sad and neglected, they also can distract drivers.

Lovemusic33 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:47:50

Also agree about ones that have been there for years, surely the family has a grave to leave flowers on? They could plant a tree or put a bench somewhere. I’m not sure what I would do if I lost a family member on the side of a road because I may feel differently but my feeling now are that the person may have died there but their memories are not there, there body is not there? I think just after a accident it’s fine for close family to leave some flowers but after a week it should be removed.

3luckystars Sun 03-Mar-19 08:48:52

Yes i am so sorry, i misunderstood the type of shrine. I thought she meant one like this:

Bumblebee27 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:49:01

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I don't think I would want to be the one to complain or move it either. Especially if it's a recent thing.

Personally I think too much can be really distracting to drivers on sometimes already dangerous roads.

BangingOn Sun 03-Mar-19 08:49:25

To the people saying that they won’t be there for long, there are several on our stretch of rural road that have been her for years. The family bring new football shirts every year, add Christmas decorations etc.

I feel really uncomfortable about them and I am relieved they aren’t closer to my house.

Squarepeg39 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:49:38

Cellotaph.

^^
Brilliant word.

Evenstar Sun 03-Mar-19 08:49:53

Perhaps it could be reported to the council and they could deal with it. Agree with PP that this could go on for a long time, I know of a house locally where supermarket bouquets are still appearing 20 years on 🙁

BlueSkiesLies Sun 03-Mar-19 08:51:45

It’s a bit of a class marker isn’t it? Flowers wrapped in plastic and ready bears heaped by the roadside and left out in the rain to get all tatty. Heartfelt messages “I luv U chaz u nvr shud hav ben taken”

The family never clear it away or make it look nice.

I also don’t like flowers in plastic at graves either for the same reason. Tatty.

ChodeofChodeHall Sun 03-Mar-19 08:52:55

Every time I see one I tell my husband not do this for me f I die in a road accident.

I tell mine I'll come back and haunt him if he allows it. grin

Paddingtonthebear Sun 03-Mar-19 08:53:01

Wow BlueSkies

Evenstar Sun 03-Mar-19 08:53:49

Also agree that they can be distracting and dangerous for drivers, I did ring the council about one in a rural road on a sharp bend where the lanterns and football shirts made it appear someone was about to step out on to the road. I felt someone could brake or swerve to avoid a pedestrian that wasn’t there.

LoafEater Sun 03-Mar-19 08:54:06

I think they are awful, mawkish, and ugly. I do not see the point of them. My dad died on his bedroom floor, should I return to his old house and leave flowers on the new owners carpet? There is one near us for a bloke who drove his car into a tree after been chased by the police as he was drunk/drug driving. Now the load of old tat his family leave there distracts other drivers. If it was outside my house it would be gone. I have lost loved ones to terrible accidents, I do to want to visit the place where they died a horrible painful death.

Why are there not shrines outside hospitals where most people die?

They should be removed after one month max.

LoafEater Sun 03-Mar-19 08:56:48

*dont want to visit

AuntieCJ Sun 03-Mar-19 08:58:41

Tacky and unnecessary. One near here is a distraction for drivers and is moved but friends and family just keep bringing more tat.

RaffertyFair Sun 03-Mar-19 08:58:55

Close friends of mine were seriously injured in a horrendous crash in which other people sadly died. The accident happened near their home.

The family of one of the people who died made a 'shrine' and kept it going for years.
It was so difficult for my friends who were faced with this daily reminder of their own traumatic experience.

fishesgirl Sun 03-Mar-19 09:00:14

We’ve got one outside our garden hedge, predates us moving in (almost 10 years ago). It’s well maintained (flowers/plants/ornaments). Doesn’t bother us in the least, although we can’t actually see it from the house.

Jebuschristchocolatebar Sun 03-Mar-19 09:01:43

@3luckystars we have a lovey one of those at the end of our road. Our houses were build in the 1930s by the council before they were bought over by posh people in the 00’s. Some of the residents have campaigned to have it removed becuase it brings down the area and devalues their properties. Personally I don’t mind it and the old dears all look after it but when they die out it will go.

missmouse101 Sun 03-Mar-19 09:02:39

They are really awful. Why would you want to mark the spot where someone died in a horrible accident?

Littledidsheknow Sun 03-Mar-19 09:03:34

There is an beautiful neolithic site near where I live and I walk the dog past it almost daily.
People have been sticking bunches of flowers and cards amongst the stones, and even set plaques into the earth beside it. Spoils the look of the whole place and gives me the rage.

We’ve all been bereaved. No one has had a life free from death. Doesn’t give us the right to spoil anything, ruin views and leave plastic tat anywhere.

starzig Sun 03-Mar-19 09:04:12

I agree they are awful. But I wouldnt mess with the type of people that leave them there so you may have to ignore for now.

IceRebel Sun 03-Mar-19 09:05:26

We have one near where I live that has flowers, teddies and a bike spray painted white, as the person died after a car clipped their bicycle.

Whilst I understand the family are upset by their loss. Every time I pass the shrine I think about the poor driver who killed the cyclist must feel, having such a visual reminder of what happened. As the bike didn't have lights and the rider wasn't wearing a helmet. It's been several years now and it's still there. sad

Meandmetoo Sun 03-Mar-19 09:06:15

I don't mind them if they provide some comfort to family/friends. A moment of "urgh" from someone is nothing to the lifetime of actual hurt for those having to handle a very distressing death of their loved one.

IheartNiles Sun 03-Mar-19 09:06:19

I would take it down in the middle of the night.

3luckystars Sun 03-Mar-19 09:07:44

I am a bit nostalgic about them too, we visited them a lot as children.

I was thinking that the op was expecting a lot to get one of these removed.

Regarding the shrines she was actually talking about though, i wouldn't have the balls to touch them, i would be afraid to go near them. Even if they were really awful looking.

Vulpine Sun 03-Mar-19 09:08:44

White bikes at cycle death spots are ok to highlight how dangerous it is

Littledidsheknow Sun 03-Mar-19 09:09:19

And as for those locks on bridges... !

Streamingbannersofdawn Sun 03-Mar-19 09:09:25

I don't like them and like a PP tell my DH that nobody is to do that for me should the worst happen (mind you I have also briefed him on no black and decent worship music at my funeral and the hearse driver putting his foot down...I'm weird like that).

There is one on a stretch of road I drive every day it has plastic flowers, tinsel, ornaments and fairy lights, distracting at night and I don't think it's a good idea really. There is a carved wooden memorial sign as well. The family lost both their children. I must say that every time I see it im reminded to be a bit more careful, perhaps that's part of the families aim. It's been there years.

StinkyCandle Sun 03-Mar-19 09:09:44

They are horrendous. I could understand people dropping flowers, but they always seem to be a pile of rubbish: plastic, balloons - as environmentally unfriendly as possible. Just why.

YANBU at all not to want one, but you cannot say anything, you will come across as the bad guy. You could at best argue for the safety if it's in the side of a bend, but that's the best you can say unfortunately.

IceRebel Sun 03-Mar-19 09:10:57

White bikes at cycle death spots are ok to highlight how dangerous it is

Even if the cyclist who died had no lights or helmet?

Snugglepiggy Sun 03-Mar-19 09:12:59

In a way OP YANBU. I hate them.For months even years in some cases as the one near where we live.Very tragically a young student was killed but it seems every birthday,anniversary is going to be marked by disintegrating plastic and ballons flapping around.As it gets tattier I think what a depressing way to be commemorated.
I truly feel for anyone who has lost a loved one in a tragic accident, it could happen to any of us .But what if everyone put up that amount of stuff for a loved one.I do know a family who got permission to plant out an old horse trough with bulbs and perennial flowers where their son was killed and I always think of him driving past.But it's natural,understated and peaceful.No signs.Not distracting.

LaMarschallin Sun 03-Mar-19 09:13:40

I lost a very close relative in an RTA. Thankfully it was before these horrid things. If people had started laying down "tributes" my family and I would have removed them.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley Sun 03-Mar-19 09:14:41

Cellotaph. Clever and accurate.

I agree and think they are awful. Flowers on a grave are nicer and more dignified. The plastic tat is another issue.

I drive to work through a forested area along a road that has seen numerous deaths due to pissed up locals hitting trees. I can count above 20 trees with ribbons, flowers, balloons, ornaments, teddies, lanterns all arrayed about. Wrecks the pleasure of looking at nature and the turn of the year.

EntirelyAnonymised Sun 03-Mar-19 09:15:37

I do think there should be a law or a council policy that is shared by all council, that these memorials remain for a set time and then are cleared away.

There’s one in my town that has been there for over 15yrs. Faded plastic flowers in the hedgerow, looks hideous.

I doubt these things are actually attended by family. It seems to be performance grievers, the sort who didn’t know the person or knew them very distantly.

Vulpine Sun 03-Mar-19 09:15:46

Icerebel - most cycle deaths happen during the day as a result of driver mistakes. So highlighting this is hopefully beneficial

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley Sun 03-Mar-19 09:16:41

The white bike is a bit spooky IMHO.

RedRiverShore Sun 03-Mar-19 09:17:17

YANBU. Contact the council as there may be local bylaws regarding them but I probably wouldn’t move it myself

Bringbackthestripes Sun 03-Mar-19 09:17:21

They are horrendous. I could understand people dropping flowers, but they always seem to be a pile of rubbish: plastic, balloons - as environmentally unfriendly as possible. Just why.

^Exactly.
There are a couple of very large (and growing) ones on a beautiful country road near us. Just awful, they never come and remove the plastic, ribbon or dead flowers- they just keep adding more! I feel sorry for the poor wildlife that get tangled or choke on the plastic rubbish they leave.

Op YANBU to not want it but every local would think you were the most awful person in the world if you said it out loud or tried to move it. Seems you are stuck with it.

CountessVonBoobs Sun 03-Mar-19 09:17:50

Even if the cyclist who died had no lights or helmet?

A helmet does nothing to protect a cyclist in a collision with a car. There has never been an established case of a helmet saving a life in this scenario. What they do do, as your post delightfully demonstrates, is allow people to victim-blame cyclists, even though the evidence does not support their use and there is even some evidence to show that drivers pass helmet-using cyclists closer and they are therefore more at risk.

user1457017537 Sun 03-Mar-19 09:18:41

They don’t harm anyone and if it comforts the family what harm is there. I always feel sad when I see ghost bikes. It’s where their soul departed.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Sun 03-Mar-19 09:19:02

Most of them are not maintained and quickly look awful - it is the very last memorial I would want if my life, dead flowers mouldering in plastic on a pavement.

However if the are properly maintained I dont mind them (in fairness I am Irish and grew up with them - usually a black marble tablet with a picture of the deceased and a few well maintained chrysanthemums, cut flowers at anniversary). Also there is one near me which is just one lantern set way back from the road. I never see anyone lighting it, but it is twinkling there most nights I go past, and I don't mind that one.

IceRebel Sun 03-Mar-19 09:19:38

most cycle deaths happen during the day as a result of driver mistakes. So highlighting this is hopefully beneficial

But I quite clearly stated in my case this wasn't what happened. The poor car driver has to live with the fact they killed someone, they shouldn't also have to endure the roadside shrine as well. I also feel it gives the wrong impression. Why highlight the carelessness of car drivers, (not that this driver was careless) rather than focus on promoting bike safety to other cyclists?

BangingOn Sun 03-Mar-19 09:21:17

I just can’t imaging anyone would want to be commemorated in that way.

It is interesting how differently people grieve though. I remember the first time I read the local paper when visiting FIL in another part of the country. I couldn’t believe how many pages there were of ‘in memorial’ messages marking the birthdays of someone who had passed away. There were often half a dozen for the same person, with each part of the family paying for their own message.

Interestingly, there were only 4 birthday messages for living people in the paper.

ReanimatedSGB Sun 03-Mar-19 09:21:39

I hate them too. Tacky, vulgar, unnecessary and potentially dangerous to others (distracting drivers, sometimes actually making it necessary to step off the pavement to get round the heaps of plastic shit and dead lowers...)

LaMarschallin Sun 03-Mar-19 09:22:07

Sorry. Didn't answer the question.
IMO YANBU.
I find it odd how grieving has changed and wouldn't/didn't myself have an inclination to put flowers on the spot or take to social media to point out that there was a new star in the sky.
Maybe a compromise: laying just flowers which are compostable and no cellophane/teddy bears etc?
Still a bore if it's at your property and you don't want it there. Happened at a place near my last house where a wall was destroyed and the house-owners couldn't rebuild it for over a year because of all the stuff that kept being left.
And why do people who don't know the dead person leave "tributes"?

HoppingPavlova Sun 03-Mar-19 09:22:18

Wrecks the pleasure of looking at nature and the turn of the year.

Probably a bit of a bummer for the people who died there too ......

I’m not a fan however I’ve never been in the situation of someone close to me dying in this manner. I’m pretty certain I wouldn’t do this but if I died like this it may be something my kids felt compelled to do, who knows. On that basis I don’t judge, whatever gets people through trumps a bit of untidiness in front of a house or stuff tied to trees for however long.

Unescorted Sun 03-Mar-19 09:23:49

I have noticed a trend for leaving plastic wrapped flowers, balloons and photo's of people tied to footpath finger posts and top of the hill cairns. Not because the person died there but because they wanted their ashes scattered there. Bonkers - change the soil pH / ruin a fragile ecosystem and litter a place that someone liked so it is an ugly eroded litter dump for everyone else.

IceRebel Sun 03-Mar-19 09:24:04

What they do do, as your post delightfully demonstrates, is allow people to victim-blame cyclists

I'm not trying to victim blame cyclist. I just feel it's unfair for the driver to have to pass a shrine, knowing there was little they could do to avoid what happened. I wasn't aware helmets were so ineffective in these situations, so thank you for telling me this. However, I still feel the cyclist should have had lights on their bike.

ReanimatedSGB Sun 03-Mar-19 09:24:45

Also, just how many of the fucking things should people be expected to put up with? And what if someone else (with a lot of grief-wankers among their family and friends) pops off on the same spot - a tat-battle? Priority for the one who's been dead longer eg 'OUR plastic shit and mouldy teddies were here first'?

Meandmetoo Sun 03-Mar-19 09:25:34

Surely if a driver can be so distracted by flowers at a roadside that they are a danger they shouldn't be driving? Or at least go on an advanced drivers course? I can't imagine "sorry your honour, I was distracted by some carnations on the roadside" would stand up as a defence against dangerous driving.

ReanimatedSGB Sun 03-Mar-19 09:28:21

But there are appropriate places to leave stuff. OK there are far more cremations than burials these days, but every crem has a remembrance chapel where you can go and leave flowers/cards/pictures etc. Or you can build a shrine in your own house/garden.
These mountains of crap are not about grief, they're about attention-seeking wankery - particularly when they are for someone who died miles away from their actual home so the family can't 'take comfort' from seeing the compost heap increase without a three-hour round trip.

JacquesHammer Sun 03-Mar-19 09:29:08

For me it depends on what’s there and who has put it there.

There’s one in our village that has been there years. The gentleman who died was the victim of a dreadful freak accident not related to “normal” traffic. There is a simple wooden cross at the spot. I have no issue with this as no environmental impact and no impact on other road users.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild Sun 03-Mar-19 09:31:39

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Vulpine Sun 03-Mar-19 09:33:00

Ice rebel - I doubt very much a white bike would have been put there in the incident you mention. They are generally placed by cycle campaign groups in places where innocent cyclists have been killed.

DameFanny Sun 03-Mar-19 09:33:17

I'm not trying to victim blame cyclist. I just feel it's unfair for the driver to have to pass a shrine, knowing there was little they could do to avoid what happened

Wow. Makes it sound like the bike clipped the car on a kamikaze run.

MarieIVanArkleStinks Sun 03-Mar-19 09:39:04

They're ostentatious spectacles of grief, and I have enough of my own to carry without these unexpected reminders of other people's. But that's a private view and not one I'd ever articulate. Grief is awful enough without strangers telling people how they should mourn.

I find cemeteries peaceful rather than creepy and those shrines in Ireland and Greece with the Marian statues are also fine. I'm not sure what it is about the makeshift roadside memorials that bothers me. Could be the immediacy of the grief or even the mess they represent: saturated, muddy teddy bears, unkempt, random piles of dead flowers randomly tied to things, often still with cellophane on.

On the subject of the cellophane - and balloon releases - they are catastrophic to wildlife. Why can't someone just invent biodegradable ones?

YoungChrone Sun 03-Mar-19 09:39:17

There are a few near us that have been going for a couple of years now. They are periodically refreshed with football paraphernalia etc and then left for a few months to fade etc. Most shrines don't last this long though.

In some ways I think they are a good thing. Always a sobering thought when driving along and being reminded that it is an accident area etc. The hope is it might stop people speeding as much etc. They are certainly more noticeable than the "accident black spot" signs you sometimes see.

I also understand the grieving have a need to remember.

However they rarely are maintained and sometimes it just looks like rubbish has been left etc. Which it effectively has. Usually the person has been buried or has had ashes scattered somewhere so you would hope the family had somewhere to remember them.

I think as well that if you didn't know the family or person then it is not unreasonable to want to move on from an accident happening outside your house, which is why the family should at some point move their shrine to an appropriate place where they can grieve and remember their loved ones.

RandomlyChosenName Sun 03-Mar-19 09:40:25

If someone died just outside my front garden, I would go and talk to the family and offer to plant bulbs/a tree/ a rose as a permanent memorial to them.

As for roadside memorials, I never feel distracted, just reminded that the road is dangerous.

It would be nice if people removed cellophane and balloons though.

CuriousaboutSamphire Sun 03-Mar-19 09:40:49

Having nearly run over the parent of one such victim I hate the bloody things with a passion.

Edge of a dual carriageway, he stepped back to view the flowers he had just laid for his son - who died there when his pushbike, no lights ror helmet, as hit by a car at about 3 in the morning.

From my perspective a man backed out of a hedge and onto the roadway without looking. I missed him because he was fucking lucky that day!

Sometimes you just have to appreciate that life sucks. You can help it along by wearingprotectove clothing, putting lights in your bike and looking before you step out into 2 lanes of fast moving traffic.

And the other one... young lad, motorbike, overtaking on a blind corner = head on collision. He died.

The woman who he hit has to pass a HUGE shrine that includes his mangled crash helmet (probably all she saw of him) every day as she goes to work - which she now does on a bus as she can no longer bear to drive).

Did I mention I hate them with a passion. Conspicuous grief belongs in a church yard/cemetary, that's what theywere invented for!

Petalflowers Sun 03-Mar-19 09:44:53

I would feel the same as you.

Firstly, it’s upsetting for everyone that something tragic has happened by your house, the family and yourselves.

Immediately after the event, then that’s understandable. After that, then no, apart from maybe a bunch of flowers on the anniversary. I like the idea of spring bulbs being planted or a rose bush, a discreet memory.

Piggywaspushed Sun 03-Mar-19 09:45:23

What nasty, sneering attitudes - and victim blaming- are coming through on this thread.

Environmental issues aside, I can't see why it is anyone's business or concern.

JaneEyre07 Sun 03-Mar-19 09:49:13

They make me so cross. That's what graves and cemeteries are for. They are distracting to other road users, and the people who dump plastic wrapped items and other environmentally damaging things NEVER return to clear them up, so it falls to the local council at the expense of every tax payer.

I can't see why anyone would want to stand at the spot where their loved one was in an awful accident.

Petalflowers Sun 03-Mar-19 09:51:08

Jane, I agree.

Oldraver Sun 03-Mar-19 09:51:58

There is one on a roundabout, which has trees and bushes on, so not your typical visible roundabout. It's where a rural road meets the A40. There are a few lights and lanterns on it, so much so that on approach you think the road goes further than it did...very dangerous. It took me by surprise one night.

But I feel it would be churlish to complain

WillGymForPizza Sun 03-Mar-19 09:53:50

There's a road near me that has had several shrines on it for as long as I can remember. At least 20 years, maybe even longer than that. It used to be an accident black spot, but the council have put measures in place to make it safer. However there are always fresh flowers at the same places. So there is no guarantee that people will stop using it as a shrine after the funeral etc.

WitsEnding Sun 03-Mar-19 09:55:58

Totally agree with @ReanimatedSGB. They are horrible and messy, especially when neglected, and everyone's concern if they are in public space.

Much better to have a memorial in an appropriate space, donate to a relevant cause, plant a tree, put a notice in the paper or FB if you wish. Memorial benches are lovely but sadly some seats get blocked by bundles of dead flowers in plastic.

RaffertyFair Sun 03-Mar-19 09:56:14

Piggywaspushed
Fatal accidents or violent deaths affect many, many people beyond the deceased and their families.

As I wrote in my previous post, the roadside tributes can trigger associations for the others involved. Or could trigger memories of experiences elsewhere. They do concern people other than the grieving family.

Oldraver Sun 03-Mar-19 09:56:39

What nasty, sneering attitudes - and victim blaming- are coming through on this thread.

Well I just dont understand why a family whose relative was three times over the drink drive limit, killed themselves and seriously injured their passengers, then put up a shrine which is a danger to the rest of the travelling public.

EdWinchester Sun 03-Mar-19 09:57:04

I think they’re horrible but I rarely see them tbh.

There was one on a road I often use, but it was gone within a month.

If there was one outside my house, I suspect I’d be helpfully tidying it away after 6 months or so.

greendale17 Sun 03-Mar-19 09:59:53

*Totally agree with @ReanimatedSGB. They are horrible and messy, especially when neglected, and everyone's concern if they are in public space.*

^This. Where I live there are 2 that have been there well over 10 years. Full of tat

WillGymForPizza Sun 03-Mar-19 10:00:19

I forgot to mention that used to work with someone who lost a close family member in a road accident, and she had never ever visited the spot where it had happened. In fact she would actively avoid, even if it meant driving a much longer route to do.

SaveKevin Sun 03-Mar-19 10:01:40

It depends on the kind of shrine, I know of one small discreet one a mother has where her son died. She visits every year, lays some flowers. He was a local well known lad so it’s sort of part of that road now.

there’s also one which has balloons, flowers, lights, photos, everything tied to and around it. It was an horrific accident, but you drive down the road your headlights catch a balloon and you think it’s someone or an animal running out. It’s bloody dangerous on an already dangerous road. We are 5 or more years on and it’s still getting refreshed.

I’ve sadly had two deaths outside my house. I wouldn’t object in the slightest to the first small remembrance spot. But the second I would. Because frankly, it’s dangerous.

RandomlyChosenName Sun 03-Mar-19 10:03:05

How do people feel about things like the 911 memorial in the footprints of the World Trade Center? Or is that ok because lots of people tragically died?

CountessVonBoobs Sun 03-Mar-19 10:04:07

@Icerebel if the accident happened after dark then yes, the cyclist should have had lights. That is the law. But that doesn't mean that there was nothing whatsoever the motorist could have done. You've written this like the cyclist deliberately threw themselves under the car, and like whether a cyclist wears a helmet has anything to do with whether a driver hits them or not. There is no excuse for hitting and killing another road user.

Some junctions are poorly designed for drivers seeing others using smaller vehicles and personally, I think flagging that the junction may be a dangerous one and helping to prevent more accidents is more important than the feelings of the motorist. Changing the lane or junction arrangement to improve safety will take months or years, adding a ghost bike does not.

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