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What do you do if one child is grounded but other isn't?

(252 Posts)
Fullofregrets33 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:00:56

Morning. I am having a really rubbish weekend. My husband has grounded our son who is 7 for the weekend he has to play in his room and can't join us on visiting relatives, going the park, out for lunch etc.

Aibu to be really pissed off about this? Our kids are still young and I'm still getting to grips about what I think are suitable punishments for things. I think my husband has been too harsh this time and it has really spoilt our whole weekend as a family.

My husband and I have fallen out over it and aren't speaking to theres a horrible atmosphere in the house, the dog is crying and pacing up and down constantly because my son is his playmate and they are separated.
My daughter now has noone to play with so she's playing up. We usually see grandparents, just me and daughter went so they were upset to not see my son. And now got another day of it. One parent staying home whilst the other takes daughter out.
It has made the family really disjointed and the weekend has been just horrible. I feel like all of us are being punished, not just my son.
My husband and I disagree over almost everything, and I am far too soft but I just want this weekend to be over

EleanorLavish Sun 03-Mar-19 08:03:01

That is a really severe punishment, what did he do?
It has also punished everyone else so isn’t really fitting, IMO.

SprogletsMum Sun 03-Mar-19 08:03:12

What did he do? Kill somebody?
7 is really young to be sent to your room for a whole weekend. I send my 7 year old to her room when she's naughty but usually the longest would be an hour or so and I know full well that she's watching a film. Your ds must be feeling really distressed.

Butchyrestingface Sun 03-Mar-19 08:04:06

Is your son confined to his room or can he access the rest of the house? What did he do?

Probably more concerning is the fact that you and your husband disagree on everything.

GiveMeAllTheGin8 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:04:45

That’s way to harsh, a whole weekend? What did he do?

Harrykanesrightsock Sun 03-Mar-19 08:05:22

We would never issue a punishment that punished anyone but the child. So grounding is out as no one is happy in this situation. Not helpful now to you but as it was your DP who did the grounding he should be the one to stay home.

wanderings Sun 03-Mar-19 08:05:42

Blimey, 7yo grounded for the whole weekend, and practically in solitary confinement? What offence did the boy commit to deserve this?

pinkdelight Sun 03-Mar-19 08:05:54

Seven is way too young to be grounding, esp for a whole weekend. Grounding is a teenage thing. You aren't too soft, your DH is way OTT and you need to stand up to him for your dc sake. A 7yo should only need a telling off and explanation to understand and apologise, or make him help you with chores or something. At most you could not do a fun thing that was planned, but confining them to their room for more than a short while to 'have a think' is too much.

User12879923378 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:06:48

Grounded doesn't mean shut in a bedroom for a weekend usually, does it? It's a punishment for older kids to make them stay in and behave or do their homework. I think your son's far too young for that. But also... he can't even see the dog? Really?
Totally over the top before you even get to the effect on everyone else, I think.

MakeItRain Sun 03-Mar-19 08:08:13

I thought "grounding" was usually aimed at much older children. Sending a 7 year old to his room for a whole weekend is a ridiculous punishment. I think you need to talk this through with your OH. I wouldn't be able to support that decision. The fact that you're going along with it, despite disagreeing with it and seeing it impact on the whole family suggests a worrying dynamic in your relationship. What's your OH like generally?

Soontobe60 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:09:20

I agree, a weekend in his room is far too severe, verging on neglect! My first thought was what has he done, but actually whatever it is is irrelevant. It's just too long.
You need to tell your DH that one day is enough ( although that's still very long) and that he is coming out of his room today. You have to be your sons champion, and if his father is punishing him too severely it's your job to stick up for him.

Goodadvice1980 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:09:30

What exactly did your son do OP?

I cannot understand why you have passively stood back and allowed your "D"H to inflict this behaviour on the whole family this weekend? Why did you not just take your son out with you yesterday if you considered the punishment was too harsh?

Is your "D"H one of those types who feel they rule the household and their word is law?

Your son is probably hurt and confused by this punishment.

BlueBuilding Sun 03-Mar-19 08:10:36

Your poor son! I bet he is feeling so sad and anxious.

Another one desperate to find out what crime he has committed.

teyem Sun 03-Mar-19 08:10:58

A whole weekend, alone in his room? Is that right?

BlueBuilding Sun 03-Mar-19 08:11:48

Please go and get your son out of his room. Honestly enough is enough.

ZippyBungleandGeorge Sun 03-Mar-19 08:12:17

Agree with PP this is disproportionate for his age, grounding is for teenagers. Take him out with you and DD today

lyralalala Sun 03-Mar-19 08:12:29

Being grounded has never meant not visiting relatives or going out for lunch/dinner in my house. If you are grounded then you don't get to play out with your mates. That's it. Not a weird solitary confinement.

Not taking a child to visit grandparents as a punishment is ridiculous imo. Punishments are meant to punish a wrongdoing, not an entire family.

Dermymc Sun 03-Mar-19 08:13:03

What did he do?

Your husband sounds like a bully.

LL83 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:13:14

To me grounded means you aren't allowed out to play, and if really bad no electronics either.

If your son doesn't get out to play then there is no point grounding him as while family suffer.
Also weekend is far too long, morning/afternoon and still allowed to play with sister just not go out to play.

Did husband snap and blurt it out without thinking it through? If so talk it through for next time. What could he confiscate that would punish child yet not ruin whole weekend for family.

teyem Sun 03-Mar-19 08:13:45

Even when you ground teenagers it is to curtail their freedom outside the home, it's not solitary confinement.

LynetteScavo Sun 03-Mar-19 08:13:47

Is it just me who is thinking making a child spend an entire weekend alone in their room is abusive?

I'd tell my DH he was being a dick and tell my 7yo I was taking him out.

I can't imagine what a 7yo could do that would mean he needed to spend more than half an hour in his room (an hour tops if I was really cross to give me time to calm down).

BigSandyBalls2015 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:15:32

Blimey I’m another one who is interested in what the kid did to deserve this!

BiscuitDrama Sun 03-Mar-19 08:17:34

He has to stay in his room for the whole weekend? That’s a very severe punishment.

teyem Sun 03-Mar-19 08:17:41

No, I think it is emotionally abusive too.

CherryPavlova Sun 03-Mar-19 08:18:17

It does feel like your husband has cut off his nose to spite his face. I’m wondering whether the punishment fits the crime too? What’s done is done and you can’t overtly undermine your husband but I’m thinking I might allow him to follow it through by being the one who stays home for the weekend to oversee the punishment he used.
Then I’d have a discussion about positive parenting and minimising the need for heavy sanctions with a pre-agreed sanction list.

AuntVanya Sun 03-Mar-19 08:19:16

This is wrong - far too harsh, age-inappropriate, badly-targeted and excessive.
Has your husband realised any of this? Has he realised he has made a mistake, never to be repeated? Or does he still think the punishment is right and proportionate?
We all say things in the heat of the moment but, as an adult, he needs to be big enough to back down when he was wrong. He needs to admit that to you and end DS's punishment. If there's no chance of that, he's horrible.

CielBleuEtNuages Sun 03-Mar-19 08:20:08

I only do punishments that only punish the child who did something naughty.

So I wont cancel playdates or parties.

My 7 year old loses screen time.

Grounding is silly at that age.

Fullofregrets33 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:22:29

He has to stay upstairs. He has all of his toys, a TV etc and can join us for breakfast, dinner and tea downstairs. My daughter and I have spent most of our time upstairs too so he's not alone. Hubby has been downstairs.

The reason for the grounding is because he is doing something repeatedly at school and no other consequence seems to be having any effect. (I don't think this will either) my husband is fed up with our sons behaviour and is hoping that this will deter him from repeating the behaviour.

My husband is "the boss" in our house yes

Drogosnextwife Sun 03-Mar-19 08:22:43

If I'm grasping that right, and he's not allowed to leave his room and access the living room during the fay, then I would be going in to my DH and telling him that you are taking ds out. That's not a child's punishment that is like jail time.

my2bundles Sun 03-Mar-19 08:23:14

Grounding only works with teenagers who are able to go out without adult supervision. Even then it dosent involve completely isolating them to their room.

SavoyCabbage Sun 03-Mar-19 08:25:09

I think it's not the right punishment for a seven year old as they don't t really have anything to ground them from. They don't have a life outside the home. It's a punishment for a teenager as they would be out and about with their friends over the weekend.

I was going to suggest staying in today and doing stuff together, like board games, cooking and crafts but it sounds like that wouldn't 'be allowed' by your husband.

I think you are just going to get through today and then you need to sit down together and decide what punishments would work better than this.

When mine were that age it was losing their TV time for that day. My youngest is on a month screen ban at the moment but we aren't being awful to her all of the time. She can't go on screens but the rest of her life is normal.

Fruitbatdancer Sun 03-Mar-19 08:25:17

Staying in room with tv and toys is not a punishment or grounding. It’s just ‘I don’t want to parent this situation’ he’s 7 for goodness sake.

teyem Sun 03-Mar-19 08:25:37

My daughter and I have spent most of our time upstairs too so he's not alone.

But in your op you said one of the consequences of this punishment was that your dad was playing up as she has no-one to play with?

teyem Sun 03-Mar-19 08:25:55

Dad = dd

Goodadvice1980 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:26:06

**My husband is "the boss" in our house yes


Ok OP, so what are you going to do about that? flowers

IWantMyHatBack Sun 03-Mar-19 08:26:07

Fuck that, I'd take him out.

teyem Sun 03-Mar-19 08:26:57

My husband is "the boss" in our house

How's that working out for you?

lyralalala Sun 03-Mar-19 08:28:11

My husband is "the boss" in our house yes

And is there a reason you allow, or don't challenge, this? Especially when you don't agree.

Powerbunting Sun 03-Mar-19 08:28:34

You are describing solitary confinement. Stuck in one room. Unable to play with sister/dog/other inmates.

Is he allowed out at meal times? Does he have toys in his room?

Solitary confinement is a harmful punishment

"Grounding" is not going out with mates. Stuck in the home for all family activities. Which is why it is a teenage punishment. Not a 7 year old's. A seven year old might be sent to their room for a bit. Or have screen time/toys removed for a while. Maybe even a "you can't go to grandparents/the park/activity you were looking forward to" . But not everything removed for 48 hours.

BlueSkiesLies Sun 03-Mar-19 08:28:40

You can’t ‘ground’ a 7 year old FFS

Powerbunting Sun 03-Mar-19 08:29:58

Cross posted.

WatsKiskers Sun 03-Mar-19 08:30:21

Surely if he's repeatedly doing something at school that you want him to stop you should try to get to the bottom of why he is doing it? Could you sit him down and talk to him about it?

This weird imprisonment thing is a totally inappropriate punishment IMO but I get the feeling you are scared to challenge your DH about this?

Fullofregrets33 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:30:24

My husband is still in bed at the moment so the rest of us are downstairs having breakfast together.
When he gets up I am going to put my foot down and insist it does not go on today aswell.
My husband says I'm too soft and take childs side all the time and that's why the child keeps misbehaving because he knows there's no consequences and that me and his dad will argue about it and I get him "let off". He then carries on the bad behaviour at school. He doesn't play out with friends or anything so we can't use that as a punishment

Whatafustercluck Sun 03-Mar-19 08:30:37

A hugely divisive, and probably quite damaging punishment imo. I don't know what it is he's doing repeatedly at school, but whatever it is I'd probably want to focus on why he's repeatedly doing it. Dh and I sometimes agree on punishments (he's probably stricter than me) but he would consider this hugely excessive. But then neither of us agrees with sending kids to bedrooms as punishment.

Whatafustercluck Sun 03-Mar-19 08:32:52

sometimes disagree

Dermymc Sun 03-Mar-19 08:33:14

Your husband might be right regarding your son if you are "letting your ds" off any consequences at home for his behaviour in school. However that doesn't mean dh gets to impose his rules.

The best way is for you to both sit down and agree a set of reasonable consequences that you both stick to.

CurlyWurlyTwirly Sun 03-Mar-19 08:33:59

Sound’s like your child is acting out because your husband is a dick.
Your son needs your support and you need to get to the bottom of this behaviour.
Take the time while H is in bed to have a good chat with your DS.
The only punishment i give / threaten is confiscating a favourite toy or screen time for a set period and that’s with an 8 yo.

Fullofregrets33 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:34:05

Teyem my daughter and I have been upstairs playing in her room, but she prefers to play with her brother so has been playing up.

I don't want to go into our relationship on this post as I have other posts about it if you want to search for them.

He has his TV and all his toys in his room. His punishment is he is not allowed to join in with family activities

BlueBuilding Sun 03-Mar-19 08:36:25

If you think that your son is going to go to school and behave himself tomorrow, after being confined to his room all bloody weekend then you are very wrong.

I bet he has an awful day tomorrow. How else will he let out all of the awful feelings that have been building up?

LovingLola Sun 03-Mar-19 08:37:56

And how is he getting on? Is he crying and upset ?

DocusDiplo Sun 03-Mar-19 08:38:10

Sorry OP, this sounds really stressful for all of you. Your DH sounds obstinate and stubborn and will never change. He thinks he knows best. I hate arrogant men like that. Good luck... no way this is going to end well.

Fullofregrets33 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:38:10

Thank you for your comments, everyone of which agrees with me that it is not a suitable punishment for a 7 year old. I shall speak with husband and tell him it won't be happening. Thanks again

Lovemusic33 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:39:08

If it’s something he’s done wrong at school then the punishment should be given at school by his teacher. I don’t punish my kids for things they do at school because usually school have already handed out a punishment, if they do something at ho e then the punishment is dished out by me at home, this usually involves removing the iPad or having to help with house chores.

7 is too young to be grounded, grounded is when you can’t go out and play with your mates, pretty sure it doesn’t include joining in with family activities.

Lostthefairytale Sun 03-Mar-19 08:40:08

You husband is right that the inconsistency in your parenting will be contributing to the behaviour. However he is taking no responsibility for the fact that his unreasonable punishments are the main reason for the inconsistency. You need to find some way of getting on the same page as far as managing behaviour is concerned and come up with some plans you both agree with. Sounds like you might have a hard job getting him to recognise this though.

Beechview Sun 03-Mar-19 08:40:44

Severe punishments never work like how you expect them to work.
Your ds will be full of hurt, anger and resentment and act out even more.

What is your ds doing at school? It’s better to try to address this differently. He’s only 7.
Your dh sounds like he’s abusive.

lyralalala Sun 03-Mar-19 08:40:46

What is your DS doing repeatedly at school?

BiscuitDrama Sun 03-Mar-19 08:45:24

Just to give you some ideas, punishments in our house would be:

Loss of screen time, 10 mins for minor problem, while ‘day’ for very bad (kicking sibling very hard for no reason for example)
Early bed (if behaviour is obviously tiredness related)
Removal of a toy until later (bit mean, this one)
Also used to find 1,2,3 magic worked well, naughty step but with no faffing, just ‘that’s one’ pause, ‘that’s two’ and then pause and if still doing it, onto step.

Punishments should be as close to a natural consequence as possible and carried out as quickly as possible.

CherryPavlova Sun 03-Mar-19 08:47:09

He sounds like a bully who is afraid of losing control. Your son will learn that behaviour too.
Far better he goes and speaks with the school about the support that they think might be valuable in resetting your sons behaviour.
Sanctions for children work best if the relate to the ‘crime’ and are followed up with more positive reinforcement of the expected behaviour.
Kicking other children several times might best be dealt with by sitting him outside the heads office whilst he wrote apology cards instead of playing football at lunchtime. Then if it persisted, home supported by sending him in some plimsoles or soft footwear so he couldn’t hurt others. He could have a chart with a sticker for days without kicking which was rewarded at the weekend by his father taking him to play football or watch a match together, if close to a stadium.

StinkyCandle Sun 03-Mar-19 08:48:20

I applaud your husband for raising a child and teaching him about consequences.

Grounding a child is perfectly suitable! I don't think allowing access to the tv is a good idea, if it was mine he would come with whoever walks the dogs a couple of times a day - it's much better for everybody!

I can't agree with the "DH is the boss". Ahem, no, you are both equal parents, both equal adults.

I think you have to stop playing the martyr bit. The family weekend hasn't been spoilt, you are ridiculous.

Staying upstairs to keep company to your child means you show no authority, don't teach him about consequences, it's a ridiculous move too. Parents should show a solid front to their kids, disagree in private, but not give him the message that daddy is wrong and mummy is feeling sorry for the poor little darling.

It's a bit of a worry if people really believe grounding a 7 year old is not suitable, blimey.

StinkyCandle Sun 03-Mar-19 08:50:12

please tell me you only have a toddler BiscuitDrama, your "punishments" might be suitable for a 1 or 2 year old, but hardly for a primary school age child!

Dontfuckingsaycheese Sun 03-Mar-19 08:50:52

I suppose your husband will see any relenting on the grounding as backing down. What is this behaviour at school causing all the bother? Are the school addressing it there?
It's not your son's fault he doesn't play out or have playdates so you have nothing else to take off him. ☹️ You can't punish a chid by isolating them. At his age he's going to feel unloved.

If I were you I'd go with my instinct of what feels right. Which is to say to your dh that he has acted too harshly and the grounding is over. You need to act as a united front (whatever goes on in private) explain to your son that the decision has been changed and go on to have a nice day. One shit day is more than enough. Like othes said you need to agree upfront with your partner how you will deal with such behaviours. If your dh's way is not right it's up to you to stand up to him and say from now on we will do ....
You owe this to your son. He shouldn't suffer because you're not able to overule your husband if he can't be convinced. He sounds too heavy-handed and I think his methods will not succeed anyway.

FloatingthroughSpace Sun 03-Mar-19 08:51:50

What is he doing at school?
If he's dominating and bullying other kids , for example, that's one thing (who is his male role model??)
But if he's distracted or not finishing his work or doing poorly academically, that is another thing altogether.

To judge if your DH is being heavy handed or downright cruel it's important to know what he is doing "wrong" at school.

my2bundles Sun 03-Mar-19 08:51:58

Stinky candle. What the OP has described is not grounding.

lyralalala Sun 03-Mar-19 08:53:13

It's a bit of a worry if people really believe grounding a 7 year old is not suitable, blimey.

Grounding a 7 year old who plays out with friends, has a birthday party to attend, or goes swimming may work. Isolating a 7 year old in their bedroom all weekend isn't the same as grounding them.

SweetheartNeckline Sun 03-Mar-19 08:53:57

When I used to get grounded, it was grounded from my own activities only eg Scouts, parties. It was very rarely used and started once I was at secondary age, although I may have had to miss a specific event such as football practice for that day a bit younger.

If anything, the extra enforced "family time" this resulted in (being included on National Trust days out, trip to the car boot) helped me re-regulate my behaviour and my parents to like me again!

I think it's too harsh for a 7 year old, and doesn't suit the family. I don't think grounding is appropriate at aged 7 unless as a natural consequence (ie your stropping has made us too late to get to the cinema now). Imo arguments and the resulting punishments need to be over and done with quickly and a massive amount of slack needs to be cut on a Friday afternoon when DC are knackered.

Hopefully your DH won't use this punishment in future.

Igotthemheavyboobs Sun 03-Mar-19 08:54:34

I think grounding is a shit punishment anyway because it punishes everyone. My mum grounded me twice as a teen, one of the times she was begging me to go out after about 2 hours (I can be exceptionally irritating when I want to be) and the second time she looked out of the kitchen window to see me drop down from my bedroom window.

For a seven year old, it is pointless as they can't go out on their own anyway!

DointItForTheKids Sun 03-Mar-19 08:55:33

"I don't want to go into our relationship on this post as I have other posts about it if you want to search for the"

You mean:
AIBU to worry about our different parenting styles
Husband doesn't want me to work
Husband too busy for family life
No life so annoyed with myself
AIBU to think the school should secure their boundary
Please comment if you are unhappily married?

Surely you can figure out just from the thread titles OP that there's one common denominating factor here - your (horrible) husband.

Stinky I don't think you've read the situation right at all! She's not 'being a martyr' - she's a woman who's married to an abuser who is also extending his abuse to the children (as they always do in one form or another) but OP is not in a place yet where she sees or can acknowledge that he is not normal and is in fact an abuser. That's not strong parenting, it's the actions of an overbearing bully. OP says "DH is the boss" because DH is the boss! If he says it, it goes, that's it, no discussion.

Chapter1 Sun 03-Mar-19 08:55:34

That’s a really over the top punishment. Stuck in his room for a whole weekend? not allowed to visit grandparents?

Time off technology or tv would have been better.

FloatingthroughSpace Sun 03-Mar-19 08:57:15

Btw my mum gave me just one piece of parenting advice: never threaten anything you aren't prepared to carry out. It is far more effective to threaten an hour of no TV and carry it through, than to threaten a week of no TV and then back down after 3 days.

Fwiw I don't think inconvenience to the rest of the family is a good reason to back down on a punishment. I think a whole weekend "grounded" is a long time for a seven year old. It would have been much better to, for example, say no TV for Friday evening and carry it through as a United front.

notanothernam Sun 03-Mar-19 08:58:18

That is far too severe for a 7 year old. And you too are too old to be saying "my husband is the boss" that's ridiculous. The house sounds miserable. You need to sort your relationship out and parent on the same page or your relationship will never survive family life. You and your DH should have spoken about the consequences together and agreed on them. For 7 I'd have removed certain toys, perhaps pudding and then reinforced positive behaviour going forward with a chart or whatever. Obviously we're all different but nothing will work if you and your DH disagree.

TroysMammy Sun 03-Mar-19 09:00:11

I thought grounding was not going out to play, playing computer games, see friends or attend events, fun stuff. However grounding doesn't solve the original "crime". It's no punishment.

Fullofregrets33 Sun 03-Mar-19 09:00:46

Stinkycandle your the only person on here so far to show that opinion. You share the exact same opinion as my husband. He is very old school.

I do agree I am too soft and I think the best thing would be me and him discussing the punishment and agreeing on it before my son is told about it.
In this instance this didn't happen, my husband told him this would happen immediately with no consultation with me at all.
I told him straight away in private I didn't agree but he stood firm, blamed me for everything because im too soft and weve not spoken since

teyem Sun 03-Mar-19 09:01:33

And what happens if solitary confinement doesn't fix this undisclosed repetitive bad behaviour - what's next in line for your seven year old son?

whiskeysourpuss Sun 03-Mar-19 09:02:08

OP I'm a relatively strict parent & always have been - my mother likens me to a Sargent major but even I have never put my kids into solitary confinement!

Grounding in this house is used for all the children - it means you aren't allowed out with your friends & for the teens depending on the reason no mobile phone because then they just sit on that chatting with friends

However they are still allowed to visit family, are forced to come on family outings & interact with others in the home.

What your husband has done is punish everyone in the household & as for the "he is the boss" statement in my house he'd be told to fuck off! However, he is right in that if he gives a punishment that you later backtrack on you are undermining him & the kids will notice this.

What you need is a conversation about which punishments you both agree on & an agreement that these are the punishments you will use - this conversation should ideally be a) when the kids aren't needing punished for any misbehaving & b) outwith earshot of the kids.

StinkyCandle Sun 03-Mar-19 09:02:30

she's a woman who's married to an abuser who is also extending his abuse to the children

I don't agree AT ALL that grounding a child is a form of abuse - even if I can't see how allowing access to the tv is any form of punishment, but hey ho.

If there's abuse in the relationship, then I can only suggest getting help ASAP. Staying with someone who you feel abuse your children is wrong on too many levels, so at least ask for help to protect your kids.

youarenotkiddingme Sun 03-Mar-19 09:02:43

He does need a severe consequence as he's choosing to repeatedly misbehave at school.

But I wouldn't confine to room.

No screens all weekend would have been better than stay in room. No going to park - yes fair enough. But I would have taken him to visit relatives.

I haven't seen your previous threads but it sounds like the family dynamic isn't right in your house.
Can you go alone to school and chat to them about it and agree how you'll deal with behaviour and then get them to meet with husband and support you getting him on board?

Sometimes kids from Uber strict households play up elsewhere because they don't get a chance to push boundaries at home.

That's not to say his bad behaviour goes unchecked - just you try and adjust the dynamics to see if it improves.

Wolfiefan Sun 03-Mar-19 09:04:26

OP your father was controlling and narcissistic by your own admission on another thread.
You’ve married your father. That is the problem.
No wonder your child is acting up at school.
Shutting a child in their bedroom for a weekend is abusive and won’t cure the problem.

StinkyCandle Sun 03-Mar-19 09:04:47

If you are really incompatible, you feel miserable and feel have no say in the way your household in run, it's wrong. I can only urge you to try to get help - you have as much say as your husband in the way your kids are raised.

(I still think grounding a child can be perfectly acceptable, but not having a voice in your home is not!)

CurlyWurlyTwirly Sun 03-Mar-19 09:06:10

Just read your thread from August @Fullofregrets33
Your DH does not like being a parent , your son knows this, is unhappy and is acting out.
Your H is acting looks ke a Victorian dad and banishing his son so he doesn’t have to deal with him. It’s only going to get worse.
I understand you don’t want to split because you want to protect the children.
To be honest, I think a separation would be a relief for everyone.
Your kids now come first, despite your DH once being your soulmate. Sorry flowers

StinkyCandle Sun 03-Mar-19 09:06:24

Shutting a child in their bedroom for a weekend is abusive and won’t cure the problem.

of course it's not abusive! That's not what the problem is here.
It's ok to parent your child and teach him about consequences you know.. no wonder so many kids are an absolute nightmare with parents who can't face punishing them.

It has nothing to do with the OP not being treated like another adult, that's is wrong.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit Sun 03-Mar-19 09:06:41

What is it that he's doing at school?

teyem Sun 03-Mar-19 09:06:49

He doesn't need a severe punishment, he needs a consistent consequence in a household with loving parents. He needs his parents to talk to the school and find out what is happening there and seek advice on productive ways to stop the behaviour together.

Beechview Sun 03-Mar-19 09:08:03

There are ways to deal with bad behaviour that don’t involve punishments which are probably a much better way to deal with a 7 year old.
What is he actually doing?

Contraceptionismyfriend Sun 03-Mar-19 09:08:49

JFC only on MN is grounding a naughty kid for one weekend abusive.

FloatingthroughSpace Sun 03-Mar-19 09:09:37

Looking at your other threads, you say your ds has ADHD, that he has few friends and that he tells imaginary stories which he thinks are real.

None of these are reasons for punishments.

It's really key to know what it is your ds is doing at school. Please don't say it's the 'lies'. DS isn't doing that to be naughty. If your DH can't see that he's a major bully himself.

teyem Sun 03-Mar-19 09:09:39

of course it's not abusive! That's not what the problem is here.

It's not abusive to exclude a seven year old child from all social contact outside of mealtimes for an entire weekend? Are you sure about that?

CecilyP Sun 03-Mar-19 09:10:34

Aibu to be really pissed off about this?

You are so NBU. If he wants to impose a draconian punishment that effects the whole family, he should consult the whole family. If you were less kindhearted, you would have got on with your DD and left him to it. But I bet is you who are taking the brunt of this punishment.

The reason for the grounding is because he is doing something repeatedly at school and no other consequence seems to be having any effect. (I don't think this will either) my husband is fed up with our sons behaviour and is hoping that this will deter him from repeating the behaviour.

I don't think it will either; very likely have the reverse effect; if your DS can't let off steam at the weekend, he is much more likely to play up at school during the week!

Missingstreetlife Sun 03-Mar-19 09:10:48


Vulpine Sun 03-Mar-19 09:10:57

Never grounded any of my kids ever. Also never be grounded myself

Di11y Sun 03-Mar-19 09:11:00

withdrawing your love from a child as a form of coercion to behave is appalling and totally ineffective.

please read how to talk so kids will listen.

deciding on consequences and then not following through is weak and will exacerbate 'bad behaviour but choosing an age appropriate short term consequence connected to the behaviour and following through will lead to change.

Vividdreaming Sun 03-Mar-19 09:11:17

Surely a bettet And more long term punishment would be to remove all toys and gadgets from the room. For every day he is well behaved he gets to choose something back. Big things like TVs wait until the end. One day of slip up means a toy taken away. That way you aren’t punishing the whole family and there is an incentive for behavioural change.

What is the incentive for him to change when he gets to sit in his room with his toys and TV all week end and not have to do boring weekend chores.

The fact you think your DH is ‘the boss’ is deeply concerning.

Di11y Sun 03-Mar-19 09:12:30

what did he do at school? may be the MN hive mind can help you figure out how to tackle it without resorting to exclusion.

StinkyCandle Sun 03-Mar-19 09:13:56

yes, I am quite sure. Being stuck in front of the tv is abusive, but being sent to your room to learn about consequences isn't.

I know the fashionable trend is to lecture, threaten and not follow through, but we don't all have to be fashionable do we.

reefedsail Sun 03-Mar-19 09:15:33

Him repeatedly misbehaving at school is an issue. What is he doing? It makes a difference whether he keeps accidentally shouting out the answers during group teaching, or whether he is repeatedly trashing the classroom and causing the rest of the class to be moved when he doesn't want to do maths.

What you need to do is strike up a very close relationship with the school. Work with them to develop a totally united front- they will have suggestions about how this can be done. You need to be in there at least once a week while you all get on top of whatever the behaviour is- more if it's serious and lots of other professionals need pulling into the situation.

I'd draw a line under this weekend.

my2bundles Sun 03-Mar-19 09:16:52

Stinky candle sending a young child to their room and denying them social interaction for 2 days is abuse it's completely different to sending them to their room for a 5 minute timeout to calm down.

DointItForTheKids Sun 03-Mar-19 09:19:43

Yes, but we're not dealing with a normal, rational man. He's not a dad who doesn't understand appropriate punishments, he's an abuser who wants to control and manipulate his whole family. So rational conversation with him will, sadly, get the OP nowhere.

Contraceptionismyfriend Sun 03-Mar-19 09:20:28

* Stinky candle sending a young child to their room and denying them social interaction for 2 days is abuse*

😭😭 No it's really really not.

DointItForTheKids Sun 03-Mar-19 09:20:38

Maybe look to his home life for the answer to that question reef?

Fullofregrets33 Sun 03-Mar-19 09:21:14

This is the first time he has ever "grounded" our son in nearly 8 years. Its never happened before and I don't think it will happen again after this

DointItForTheKids Sun 03-Mar-19 09:22:36

In the context of this particular family, I think it is abusive - it's just another abusive and controlling act by an abusive father to his son.

You can't view this post in isolation on the assumption that it's an isolated incident because clearly it isn't.

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