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WWYD? Would you feel responsible? *possible trigger*

(40 Posts)
slinkybidinky Sun 03-Mar-19 02:45:17

I've namechanged for this as I don't want to get into any trouble and I don't want to put my family at risk in any way.

I have an ex partner who I have a child with. They have no contact with child, this was ordered by a court with social services backing.
There is also a restraining order in place.

He seemed great when we met, lovely, had a great job, position of trust, seemed to come from a nice family, they were wealthy and seemed normal. All unraveled during pregnancy.

He did some really really dispicable things. I won't go into too much detail but what started off as "I'm depressed" escalated to violently assaulting me, and when he was arrested and imprisoned he would call me from the prison, he was sent back to prison multiple times for breaching restraining orders and turning up to my house. He would threaten suicide, he drove cars into walls, he would try to hang himself whilst taking pictures and sending them to me. In and out of prison constantly coming back and banging my door down or calling me. Police where great.
Even after the last time he went to prison he had my name tattooed on his chest.

He blamed his actions on drink addictions, drug problems, being sexually abused by his mother as a child. None of this had been disclosed to me before. He was diagnosed with add, adhd, bpd and multiple personality disorder.

He has since moved away and not bothered me for 2 years which I'm very grateful for, and I guess a bit reluctant to actually rock any boats and do anything with, but I've found out this week he has married somebody. I know she's an adult and it's her choice and people that offend have the right to live private lives ect. But part of me feels like I just wish I could telepathically tell her to check out Claire's law and look into his past before she ends up in the same situation. He's a very dangerous man.

I'm too scared to do it though because I don't want him finding out and coming after us again.

What would others do in this situation?

chocolateroses Sun 03-Mar-19 09:24:18

My DC's safety would come first. Sorry you are going through this OP thanks

Wakk Sun 03-Mar-19 09:24:47

Nooooo don't get involved.

What if he thinks it's because you're jealous and wants him back and he comes back into your life?

Don't risk this.

slinkybidinky Sun 03-Mar-19 09:29:28

@Oliversmumsarmy that sounds horrific and like a worst nightmare situation. I had to have a plan in my head for if it got to that. We have moved house now but I had a landline in an accessible place upstairs and downstairs, and I would drill the same plan into my head every day, if something happens, phone is already in youngest daughters bedroom which had escape window onto street below if needed. Plan was to grab ds really quickly, into dds room, call police, slide solid wooden cot and wardrobe against the door to barricade and then start shouting out of the window for help. Pass children down to neighbours/police if needed. It's sad but that was ingrained in me every day.
I had something called target hardening on our house so that might be worth asking about, it was organised by the domestic violence team.
It had alerts on my mobile phone and landline so that if I dialled police, all units in the area would divert to my address quickly, and obviously only as many as needed would stay. This saved my life in the end too as when I called the police on one occasion he broke my phone as it dialled and I was scared they wouldn't come because they didn't have my address or anything, but within a matter of seconds they were there.

They attended each and every time he showed up, they took a matter of seconds, I think the longest I had to wait was about 3 minutes but I do live very close to a police station anyway. They locked him up and took him away. I think because he was breaching exsisitng restraining orders it was a case of a quick court hearing and straight back to prison. Only ever for about 4-6 months at a time for that but it happened enough times.

slinkybidinky Sun 03-Mar-19 09:32:32

I'm glad that my instincts around not risking my kids safety are spot on.

Oliversmumsarmy Sun 03-Mar-19 09:35:57

My friend has the “target” thing, I think she calls it Code Red linked to her address and telephones.

She had her ex and other men banging on her door for an hour one night and the police came out the following day and found no one.
The police have said that friend has made numerous calls saying her ex is on her property but on investigation nothing was found. (Well it wouldn’t be if they don’t come out till the following day)

MRex Sun 03-Mar-19 09:42:39

I'd anonymously call from a payphone and ask her local police station for a "right to know" for her, give both of their details. Then leave it at that and let the police do their thing or not, but that's the limit of your involvement. He'd probably imagine it's a friend of hers.

Sounds like you had a horrific time because of him, I'm happy for you that you got away.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine Sun 03-Mar-19 10:26:12

Given his history there's a chance he's legally obliged to inform the police of any new relationship. If social services were keeping tabs on him to be able to inform you he'd moved away they might be still keeping tabs on him. I think I'd phone whoever your contact was at social services to get their input first, or the police should have experience of dealing with thses things delicately. Definitely don't try to contact her yourself, but if he's previously been monitored due to his crimes it shouldn't be that suspicious if someone official makes contact shortly after his marriage with a claim that "the system" flagged it up. It's entirely possible that they already have done and his wife already knows. You should absolutely protect yourself first, and you are in no way responsible for his future behaviour, but I suspect it will distress you a great deal if he does something awful to her and you believe that you could have helped prevent it. It's not your responsibility but I think I'd have to try to get her informed.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine Sun 03-Mar-19 10:28:03

I apologise for my lack of paragraphs. Typing on a phone and couldn't see how long that was.

user1493413286 Sun 03-Mar-19 10:55:49

Based on your scenario I wouldn’t for your own safety.
I told my ex’s new partner and as he’d told her I was a liar and a psycho etc she didn’t believe me and all I got was abuse

TooManyPups Sun 03-Mar-19 11:11:40

I'm pretty sure if you email the police then you can request that his new partner be visited discreetly and informed of his past.. Having been through similar myself I found out that my eldest father was in a new relationship via a newspaper report of him being charged with assaulting and seriously injuring another man in a pub who had spoken to his new partner when he was in the bathroom.. I emailed the police and requested that she be visited and informed of his past and they said that they couldn't tell me any outcome but that she would be visited and informed.

outpinked Sun 03-Mar-19 11:39:02

Stay out of it, you have to prioritise your DC and keep both of you safe before worrying about someone else. May sound selfish but she is an adult and I’m sure there must be some red flags that will point her towards his past (huge chest tattoo anyone?!)

MrsGarethSouthgate Sun 03-Mar-19 11:49:27

Police sometimes contact new partners themselves to give Clare's Law disclosure (when the new relationship has come to their attention) so you could make a Right To Know application via 101 without it seeming as if it definitely came from you.

Anique105 Sun 03-Mar-19 12:15:43

Why on earth would you go looking for trouble and put your dd and yourself at risk?
Do you really think he wont realise that an anonymous person might be you?

slinkybidinky Sun 03-Mar-19 12:28:22

So the general consensus only confirms my gut feeling which is that any risk to rocking the boat and risking the safety of my family is the main priority and it would be stupid to risk that.

I know a few people have said report anonymously, but this will still be a risk if she confronts him and he comes for us. Also I don't know enough about them to do that.

All I know is her first name is [redacted] which could be short for anything. The town they live in, and that she organised her own wedding on Valentine's Day, it says on the post that the groom only knew about it half an hour before. And that it looks like there were only about 6 people there.

He changed his last name by deed poll a few years ago so no idea whether he is still using old or new name. No address or anything. I really don't want to dig any deeper and for my social media to appear on her friends list or anything. I think it's best I leave alone and value my security for now.

RestingBitchFaced Sun 03-Mar-19 13:38:33

Leave it. If there is even a slight risk that this could get back to him, which there is, it's really not worth it.

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