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WWYD? Would you feel responsible? *possible trigger*

(40 Posts)
slinkybidinky Sun 03-Mar-19 02:45:17

I've namechanged for this as I don't want to get into any trouble and I don't want to put my family at risk in any way.

I have an ex partner who I have a child with. They have no contact with child, this was ordered by a court with social services backing.
There is also a restraining order in place.

He seemed great when we met, lovely, had a great job, position of trust, seemed to come from a nice family, they were wealthy and seemed normal. All unraveled during pregnancy.

He did some really really dispicable things. I won't go into too much detail but what started off as "I'm depressed" escalated to violently assaulting me, and when he was arrested and imprisoned he would call me from the prison, he was sent back to prison multiple times for breaching restraining orders and turning up to my house. He would threaten suicide, he drove cars into walls, he would try to hang himself whilst taking pictures and sending them to me. In and out of prison constantly coming back and banging my door down or calling me. Police where great.
Even after the last time he went to prison he had my name tattooed on his chest.

He blamed his actions on drink addictions, drug problems, being sexually abused by his mother as a child. None of this had been disclosed to me before. He was diagnosed with add, adhd, bpd and multiple personality disorder.

He has since moved away and not bothered me for 2 years which I'm very grateful for, and I guess a bit reluctant to actually rock any boats and do anything with, but I've found out this week he has married somebody. I know she's an adult and it's her choice and people that offend have the right to live private lives ect. But part of me feels like I just wish I could telepathically tell her to check out Claire's law and look into his past before she ends up in the same situation. He's a very dangerous man.

I'm too scared to do it though because I don't want him finding out and coming after us again.

What would others do in this situation?

mokapot Sun 03-Mar-19 02:47:15

Could you tell her anonymously? It would be good for her to know and for you to feel some good karma.

Reallyevilmuffin Sun 03-Mar-19 02:50:19

Someone else had a similar thread and the police cautioned her for harassment of the ex. That said if another woman's name across the chest doesn't raise alarm bells I don't know what would!

OpiesOldLady Sun 03-Mar-19 02:50:55

Ooh. .. that's a toughie. I would be tempted to try and contact her anonymously. Is there a way you could call 111 for some advice?

Oceanbliss Sun 03-Mar-19 03:00:36

Before you do anything, assess the danger for you and your child. When I completed 1st aid we were taught the first thing you need to do is look for any danger to yourself and others. If it's too dangerous to go near the person then you don't render first aid, even if it means they die before an ambulance arrives. While I understand wanting to help someone it must not be at the expense of yours and your child's safety. flowers

slinkybidinky Sun 03-Mar-19 03:02:40

I've seen the other thread and I definitely don't fancy getting into any trouble.

It's weird, I have changed my phone number, but I have his phone number saved in my phone (because you can only block numbers that are saved as contacts so he can't actually call me even if he had my number) but because he's a contact (even though he's blocked) he comes up on my WhatsApp.

What is weirder is for the first 9 months or so, his WhatsApp profile pic was the tattoo. Which was creepy. I don't notice it very often because I don't use WhatsApp that much or scroll down my contact list but at some point profile pic had changed again. And then yesterday I saw it was a wedding picture that when you bring it up had the watermark over the top of it.

I had a look on Facebook at the company who had photographed the wedding, and they had done a post about the wedding, which had some very unique features. They have got married in the last 3 weeks.

Thats as far as I went though. In the post it says what her name is, and obviously I know his name so I could put the two together technically and locate her via Facebook. But I don't even want to search for her name because I'm worried my profile might come up in her people you may know list and he might come back at me. Which is such a massive risk.

I don't want to risk my family in any way but at the same time if somebody could have saved me and I could have seen it before it happened I'd have been so grateful. I'm lucky to be alive as are my children.

slinkybidinky Sun 03-Mar-19 03:09:02

@Oceanbliss cross posted with you there but that is definitely my main concern. And I'm really not sure there is a way of letting this girl know without putting my family at risk in some way, I think I just feel guilty and responsible about it.
No matter how much on one hand you could go to the police station, check it out for yourself without mentioning it to him, and leave without a word, human instinct would probably be to confront him, he would know it was me I guess and then it would be us at risk.

I don't want to massively rock the boat. Social services informed me when he moved away which was a massive massive relief. I'm assuming to be with her: they live about 3 hours away.

He is now estranged from his family and it doesn't look like she has any family in the wedding pictures, just a handful of friends. So I'm wondering if it's somebody vulnerable.

Maybe it's come as a shock and I'm thinking way too much into it.

ColeHawlins Sun 03-Mar-19 03:51:25

Leave it.

He has an ex and a NC child and prison time to explain away to her. If she's fool enough to believe silly excuses, that's up to her. If she begins to have doubts, she can track you down. Or just leave.

IAmNotAWitch Sun 03-Mar-19 04:00:52

What is more important? You/your kid's safety or hers?

It's cold, but that is your equation.

Stay away and stay out.

Purpleartichoke Sun 03-Mar-19 04:02:43

She could do her own research and find what is public record. Someday she may reach out to you. At that point, tell her the truth. Until then, stay out of it. Contacting her could bring him back into your life and there is a chance it could be viewed as interfering in his.

PregnantSea Sun 03-Mar-19 04:19:25

I would stay silent. It sounds awful but like you said, she's an adult. And this isn't your business.

The problem with an anonymous tip off is it's quite likely that your ex will realise it was you. Even if there's a string of women before you who he did this to, it's still most likely to be you because you were his last relationship. He was obviously stuck on you for a long time and you will be the first person he thinks of when he gets wind of the anonymous tip.

I would just focus on you and the baby, and say a silent little prayer for this new woman.

Parly Sun 03-Mar-19 04:21:40

Stay out of it. Understand and give props for your concern but this is not one for you.

We live in a world that allows for almost immediate and extensive information about people if we choose to find it and in the nicest way, his new wife can and still has the option to go digging and find out more which if she wants to can also include finding you.

Very easy to find people online and almost impossible to stay well off the radar and not traced through one means or another.

I have an ex who has never seen, acknowledged or had anything to do with my daughter which worked fine for me and was how I hoped it would pan out. He eventually married and has children of his own living only a few miles up the road but I often wonder if and just how much his wife (and kids) actually know or if they're mooching along pretending there's no ex and mention of a possible daughter – or if they really are completely in the dark.

She is a grown woman and made a choice to marry him which I sincerely hope doesn't end badly but ultimately, it's not your responsibility to safeguard her and feel responsible Good, bad or piss poor choice - it's hers to make.

In any case getting involved at all could have consequences for you and your child none of which is worth the risk.

Just hope for the best and leave it.

moita Sun 03-Mar-19 04:26:29

OP - I do understand. I have an abusive ex, it makes my blood run cold that he could put another woman through what he did to me.

But you can't contact her. It could end so badly for you and your daughter.

Oceanbliss Sun 03-Mar-19 04:40:46

slinkybidinky don't feel guilty (easier said than done I know). The only person who should feel guilty is your ex and he probably doesn't. Stay safe flowers

differentnameforthis Sun 03-Mar-19 05:05:05

Thing is op, he has already given her his narrative as to why he has your name on him, and you can bet your arse it isn't the right one!

Think "she was the love of my life, and she cheated/ran off with someone/trapped me/lied about me/got me locked up" etc and anything you say will be seen as malicious, jealousy, harassment etc.

As hard as it is, she needs to find out for herself what kind of man he is, but she will never believe you.

Her0utdoors Sun 03-Mar-19 06:04:43

If SS told you he had moved, would they know he had married/would they be interested in knowing? My father was a similarly abusive man. Luckily he died, fingers crossed for you op.

londonrach Sun 03-Mar-19 06:07:18

Op...leave it. Youve a child you need to protect that sadly matters more than his new wife. Does he pay any Maintenance

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie Sun 03-Mar-19 06:10:45

There's no way I would contact her. Let sleeping dogs lie. Let her live her own life. She would probably think that you were a weird psycho jealous ex with a grudge anyway.

Starfish28 Sun 03-Mar-19 06:33:59

You have been through so much and deserve to now live in peace. As others have said, you can not get involved in what he does next. It is too big a risk for you and your children. The only person responsible for this is your horrific ex. As hard as this must be, you can’t get involved and it isn’t your burden to carry. Try to look forward not back.

SnuggyBuggy Sun 03-Mar-19 06:43:18

I'd prioritize your DC. Chances are this woman would just think you are being a bitter ex.

Ferii Sun 03-Mar-19 06:45:25

I can understand why you feel vulnerable and are worried for the safety of yourself and child. Hats off to you for getting yourself and your child out of such a toxic, dangerous situation.

As you, and others, have said she's an adult and its her choice but to me our choices should be informed otherwise it's not a real choice. She's very likely not in possession of the full facts about this man's manipulative, violent history so she's vulnerable. You were an adult and he abused you, so simply saying the new wife is an adult doesn't sit well with my conscience.

I don't think you should reach out directly to her but if it were me I'd speak with the police, particularly domestic violence teams, in your area and more importantly in the area where your ex lives (separate divisions don't link up as much as the public thinks). It would also be worth speaking to social services in their area and yours, she's a vulnerable adult since he has a history of abusing pregnant women and they're newly married so what if she gets pregnant? I'm a healthcare professional and when I suspect abuse of one of my patients I call the GP, social services and police to see if any discloses have been made, it will all be confidential so your name won't be disclosed but if there's even a scrap of evidence of prior behaviour of this sort it sets off a cascade of care and vigilance in the background to support and monitor the vulnerable party without them necessarily knowing. They may not take it any further but at least you know you've raised it with the relevant authorities and if the poor wife ever does need their help and files a complaint against him she'll receive more help sooner, will hopefully be dissuaded from taking him back and more likely to press charges etc if she knows that other women have been hurt.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you're able to find some peace as this is obviously distressing for you. This must have dredged up some horrific memories and I hope you've been able to access counselling to process the trauma you've experienced. It may also be helpful to contact domestic violence charities as I'm sure they're experienced with this situation so could offer you more bespoke advice and support.

Oliversmumsarmy Sun 03-Mar-19 06:47:40

I know this is a bit off track but can I ask how you got the police to even turn up when he was breaking the order let alone actually getting him put in prison.
I ask because I have a friend who has an order out on her ex and he has broken it multiple times and continues to break it and the police aren't interested.
I have another friend who was in her home when 6-8 armed men forced entry and she had to barricade herself in a bedroom whilst calling 999 and the police didn't turn up till an hour later and didn't even take one of the weapons that had been left behind with them let alone dust for fingerprints.

Friends were in 2 separate areas so not the same police force.

Kneehigim Sun 03-Mar-19 06:48:08

Within the last month, I have had a similar situation. Almost identical, though in my case he hadn't served time and he isn't married that I know of, but I know that he now has a baby.

I filled in the form on 101 (or online equivalent) just basically asking whether there was a way they could inform the girl, especially now that a baby has arrived.
I got a phonecall the next day from a police officer and initially they seemed jumbled up that I was making a fresh complaint. Once I clarified all that with them, they said they'd get back to me.
About 2 weeks ago a female police officer called me. I explained the situation, that I haven't heard from him in a year, but know from extended family of his that he has a new baby.
I can't remember the exact details of the conversation but she was lovely, took all his details etc. The only thing was that I don't know where he now lives. I asked her too about the Claire's law thing, and whether it can work in reverse so to speak. She didn't give an answer either way, but said that it is certainly something they would look into.
Got a voice message from her a week ago saying that they couldn't locate him, and that if I got hold of any information on his whereabouts to give her a call back. She said she couldn't find details of him in this particular borough.

I'm not sure whether it's because there is a baby that they were interested, but I presume nothing flagged up on the system of recent arrests or they'd have been able to locate him.

You could maybe do what I did and see if they get back to you? Like you, I sort of wanted to warn this girl what she's getting into. But maybe he's a new man and won't do the same to her! wink

Sforsh49 Sun 03-Mar-19 09:07:27

In Claire's Law there is "Right to Know" and "Right to Ask". You can do a Right to know for her where you ring the Police or go into the station. Give them the details you know about him and her however vague they are and say you're concerned. If they ask your name refuse to give it if you're not comfortable but say you know enough that his new wife should have a disclosure about his past.
The request will be looked into by the specialist in that force. If they believe a disclosure should happen a panel will convene and discuss what should be disclosed and the wording of the disclosure and then a specialist DV officer will do it with his wife without him present. They leave no written information with the wife. From what you've described they will definitely disclose.
They will not disclose any personal details of you, but will give a generalisation of what he did to you - the idea of Claire's law is to keep people safe so there is no way they would put you at risk.
Right to Ask is if she went to the police about him.

Kneehigim Sun 03-Mar-19 09:20:57

That's interesting SForsh. The officer who called me had some sort of weird title that I can't recall, but it may have been domestic violence something or another.
I suppose if I read the Star in a year and read about a woman murdered by him and I haven't at least tried, I will feel guilty. As it stands, I've done all I can. I presume if he commits another crime, it will bring up the entire history of allegations (no convictions)? I've no idea what police hold on their records? I know my address was on a priority call sort of thing with police due to him. I wonder if he does assault the new girl and she makes a statement will the police see all the incidences I've reported? And will they be able to tell her?

Interestingly, after his first assault on me, my father for some reason was talking to a police officer (he must be my next of kin and they called him or something) and asked the officer what sort of person is this dude? The officer told my Dad that 'he's dangerous', but they never elaborated or if they did he didn't tell me. Different jurisdiction to England though.

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