Advanced search

Aibu about this bridesmaid situation/fallout?

(157 Posts)
Skysky1 Sun 03-Mar-19 01:48:52

I’m engaged and have asked 2 of my closest friends to be bridesmaid, I do have a few other friends who I would I call close but I could only choose two because a) I couldn’t afford to take on anymore b) it’s going to be a small wedding and I would really like to keep it quite simple c) if I took any more bridesmaids on then I might aswell had taken all of my friends on as bridesmaid out of fear of Then leaving say 1 feeling isolatingly left out and I just could not afford to do that. That is the reason why I chose just two , but I will get to the reason as to why I asked the 2 that I did.
So I’ve been engaged for almost 2 years , now and then out of the blue last month I get a message from one of my friends, who happens to be my daughters godmother saying that she is upset and offended that she is not bridesmaid and she feels discriminated against because of her condition (she has a heart condition which makes her faint very often)
I call her back straight away, she didn’t answer so I messaged her to say ‘ that im really sorry that she feels this way and I can insure her that isn’t the case, and the truth is I know she has had a lot on her plate to deal with with her health and I felt that she has not been able to be around much to fulfill her role as a godmother (she has been godmother 8 years and has barely wished my daughter a happy birthday) and that I don’t hold that against her at all , as I know it just must be hard what she is going through , and with that in mind I would rather her just turn up on the day of the wedding as a guest, with no responsibilities and enjoy herself’
My friend in the past has also had to pull out of going to events due to her health and I would be worried about what effect that would have if she were to play an actual role in the wedding
After reading my message she responded that I was cruel and vindictive and how dare I be upset that she hasn’t been around when she has been so ill, basically told me she doesn’t want to speak to me again and blocked my number. This was a month ago now Ive tried on numerous times to speak with her but she has made it clear she doesn’t wish to speak to me.
I would just like to get some unbiased opinions on this , as I feel like she is clearly hurt which I never intended, I value and love her immensely but I do feel my reasons were justifiable

Hisnamesblaine Sun 03-Mar-19 02:02:21

Far too flakey. She wouldnt be able to commit no doubt. Having said that telling someone they arent up to much as a godparent is bound to sting! Give her dew weeks to chill out then try to make contact again x

TheSandgroper Sun 03-Mar-19 02:12:16

I could have had a number of bridesmaids but I only ever wanted one. So, I chose just one.

Perhaps, next time you are asked about it, just say "I only ever wanted two bridesmaids so I put all the names in a hat and drew two". That explains you are getting the wedding of your dreams and that you went with the easiest way of getting it. Stick with the party line and shut down anyone who tries to tell you different.

HennyPennyHorror Sun 03-Mar-19 02:18:05

I think it's a tad odd not to have your child's Godmother as a bridesmaid. Your child's Godparent is meant to be the person who you would be closest to.

peachesandclean Sun 03-Mar-19 02:30:49

Extremely childish of her - you're only having two! I would understand her being upset if there was a handful and it did seem like she was the only one who wasn't, it's rather bad form to throw a tantrum because you're not getting what you want on someone elses' wedding day and make them feel bad for it..

Personally I think you should just let her be, let her come to her senses and realise that your wedding is about you, what you want, and nothing else (except DP obviously), you have done nothing wrong and please don't spend a single minute feeling bad for not asking her

Oysterbabe Sun 03-Mar-19 02:33:28

I think you've been a bit unreasonable in that you start off saying you're not discriminating against her because of her health but then explain that's exactly what you're doing. I realise you were being honest but your message was hurtful.
I think you should have just said that you're sorry but only wanted 2 so couldn't choose everyone.

CantStopMeNow Sun 03-Mar-19 02:43:41

she has been godmother 8 years and has barely wished my daughter a happy birthday
Being ill doesn't stop you wishing someone happy birthday - especially over 8 years.....being a self absorbed twat does though!

FelicityPorcine Sun 03-Mar-19 02:51:12

Did you not pick her because she’s been a crappy godmother or because of her health? If it’s not because she’s been a crappy godmother then mentioning that was just a kick in the teeth. Not sure why you felt the need to mention it?

She’s sounds like a drama queen but you were unnecessarily nasty in your message. I think you are both probably better off without each other.

Kel801 Sun 03-Mar-19 02:52:49

Let her founce off sounds like the friendship has run its course x

Kel801 Sun 03-Mar-19 02:53:08

Flounce ... ooops

Limpshade Sun 03-Mar-19 03:03:47

Her health is understandably a sore spot for her so I probably wouldn't have mentioned it at all. You can have whoever you want as a bridesmaid, and you shouldn't have had to justify your decision.

What's done is done so I'd just drop it and leave her be for now. Send her an invite when it's time and leave it in her court to either accept or decline. If she's going to flounce off on your friendship based on that voicemail alone it suggests you were already on shaky ground TBH.

ScarletBitch Sun 03-Mar-19 03:30:19

It's your wedding, you chose whoever you want, tough shit to your entitled friend!

Italiangreyhound Sun 03-Mar-19 03:34:22

It's your wedding and you are 100% within your rights to chose any person you want to be a bridesmaid.

Your friend is incredibly rude (and I think a bit unstable) to suggest she should dictate who your bridesmaids be.

You chose her to be the godmother to your daughter, which (IMHO) is far more of an honour than being a bridesmaid! And she has not been around much, which may be completely due to her medical condition. I think you have done all you can to explain the situation to her, and her response is completely unreasonable.

I guess the truth is she isn't your closest friend and that's not likely to be due to her illness but simply due to the fact the two of you are not so close. You really do not need to give anyone reasons why you picked who you picked.

I agree she is probably upset about her health being mentioned in relation to her being a God mum. But as she hasn't had much to do with your God daughter then I can understand why you may not be that close.

Enjoy your wedding day. thanks

Italiangreyhound Sun 03-Mar-19 03:36:43

her God daughter.

Hopefully she will come round and can be a guest at the wedding.

Kneehigim Sun 03-Mar-19 04:17:15

This is a case where a white lie might have been better.

KC225 Sun 03-Mar-19 06:48:57

If someone is unreasonably offended then saying 'You have barely been around much to fulfil your role as a Godmother' is hardly going to smooth things over. And saying it out aloud it a heated moment means the exact opposite of 'but I don't hold it against her'. I agree with the above poster who said a white lie would have been better.

To be honest it sounds as if there have been a bit of surface tension for a while - her smarting at none bridesmaid status and you smarting and her lack of Godmother role. Does she have a history of falling out with people and cutting them off?

If you have tried to apologise and she refuses then I would let it go for the moment and concentrate on your wedding. Perhaps nearer the could.send a handwritten note saying you would love to see her there on the day

Good.luck OP.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Sun 03-Mar-19 06:56:04

I felt that she has not been able to be around much to fulfill her role as a godmother (she has been godmother 8 years and has barely wished my daughter a happy birthday) and that I don’t hold that against her at all
If you really "don't hold that against her at all", why mention it?
Saying that implies that she's a rubbish godparent so she'd be a rubbish bridemaid.

I'm not surprised she was hurt.
You should have just said that you only wanted 2, and wanted her to be able to enjoy the day as an honoured guest with no responsibilities

LordVoldetort Sun 03-Mar-19 06:56:32

I wouldn’t worry about it.
Next time you are asked I would change the response to something like ‘I only wanted 2 bridesmaid which means I had to narrow it down to 2 people even though I am close with others’

positivepixie Sun 03-Mar-19 07:01:09

I would've chosen my words a little more carefully and gone for the perfectly good reasons you set out in your first post ie, small wedding, only two bridesmaids, without telling her she's a rubbish godmother. You've now both said some pretty hurtful things so best to let it lie for a bit and see how you feel in a few weeks, ie whether you want her to remain a friend and if so, apologise for the godmother comments! (It's really not unusual for a god parent not to be massively active)

DanglyBangly Sun 03-Mar-19 07:02:55

She was rude and ridiculous to challenge you on it but unfortunately I think you were a bit too honest in your response. I’d just leave it for now and move on.

Wallywobbles Sun 03-Mar-19 07:04:36

Yup. A shorter more evasive response would have been better. But the short of it is - she's been a crap godmother and you don't want her to be a crap bridesmaid, which is fair enough.

When do the invites go out? If it's far enough away you'll know if she gets an invite or not. Hopefully she'll pick up get godparenting act, but I suspect she won't which sounds like no loss.

Time will make this one feel better.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Sun 03-Mar-19 07:08:25

What limpshade said

I got demoted as a bridesmaid when I was pregnant as it was near enough to my due date that my friend was worried about it.

I felt a little bit sad but it's her wedding and her choice and also worked out for the best as I did have a pregnancy related illness and struggle on the day.

It's not a right to be a bridesmaid, and they're chosen for loads of different reasons so you can choose whoever you want.

It would probably have been very upsetting for her when you mentioned her illness though as having a long term condition can be very isolating anyway.

She shouldn't have asked though - it wasnt her right to be asked and it sounded a bit like she is angry at the world (maybe understandably) and just wanted a fight

Petalflowers Sun 03-Mar-19 07:09:41

Friend diesn’t get to chose who is bridesmaid at your wedding, you do.

She’s a bridesmaid-Zella, and she isnz’t even a bridesmaid.

What is it with bridesmaids ( or non-be) at the moment? On another thread, a bm was offended because she wasn’t invited to join in the wedding preparations.

WinnerWinnerChickenDinner0 Sun 03-Mar-19 07:09:54

* the truth is I know she has had a lot on her plate to deal with with her health and I felt that she has not been able to be around much to fulfill her role as a godmother (she has been godmother 8 years and has barely wished my daughter a happy birthday) and that I don’t hold that against her at all*

Have you read this back to yourself? It’s really very harsh. You say you don’t hold it against her but are clearly making point of it.

I’m godmother to 2 kids. I don’t fulfill any roll. If I remember their birthday, great, if not oh well. It’s a symbolic thing on the day of the christening.
My ds has a good god father but a god mother who never remembers. I wouldn’t in a million years tell her she isn’t fullfilling her duties 🙄

Bluntness100 Sun 03-Mar-19 07:10:05

I think you may love and care for her, but the feeling isn't mutual, she's not thinking of you, she's only thinking of herself.

On saying that though, I wouldn't have escalated it by pointing out she had not fulfilled her godmother role as you saw it, I'd likely have said something like gosh don't be silly, I can't have more than what I have and I want you to have fun.

I'd not chase her anymore,

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »