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To not find this supportive?

(20 Posts)
4inabedroom Sat 02-Mar-19 17:28:55

My husband does the following!
When a decision needs to be made ie extending mat leave or getting something done in the house I ask his opinion and he says do what you think is best!
I make the decision ie extending mat leave and he makes very sure to let me know he gave me 700 quid to cover the bills one month.
He's recently reminded me I have more money than him each month but that's ok because I pay for more activities for our child.
aibu to say fuck off?

OhioOhioOhio Sat 02-Mar-19 17:29:32

Yadnbu

4inabedroom Sat 02-Mar-19 17:39:09

Is it so if it goes wrong it's my fault?

MereDintofPandiculation Sat 02-Mar-19 17:50:49

Is it so if it goes wrong it's my fault? Possibly so that he doesn't feel responsible if it goes wrong. (There's plenty of people who will try to shuffle the decision making on to someone else.) Or possibly because he really wants you to make your own decision. Although in that case it'd be more helpful to ask you more about it, because that sort of questioning can be helpful in sorting out things in your own mind.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery Sat 02-Mar-19 17:52:38

YANBU. If you're married then surely what's his is yours and vice versa. It's family money, not his money. He sounds very petty which is deeply unattractive in my opinion.

WatchToTheEnd Sat 02-Mar-19 18:08:02

If I gave 700 quid to someone, I'd let them know.

If I didn't have that much money because I'd given a lot to DH then I'd mention it.

4inabedroom Sat 02-Mar-19 18:11:21

He gave 700 quid to cover the bills one month. The rest of the mat leave I got nothing off him as he won't have a joint bank account.

Nothinglefttochoose Sat 02-Mar-19 18:13:25

He sounds selfish. Why won’t he have a joint bank account? Why does he get to decide that? You are partners aren’t you?

WatchToTheEnd Sat 02-Mar-19 18:21:43

"Why won’t he have a joint bank account? Why does he get to decide that?"

Is that a serious question? Fuck!

What would your reply be to "DH is insisting he have access to my money and it's in a joint account.

4inabedroom Sat 02-Mar-19 18:26:01

Yes got bad credit and can't get a mortgage so everything comes out of my account and he pays into it an amount each month.

HomeMadeMadness Sat 02-Mar-19 18:28:37

YANBU really annoying. It wasn't like you unilaterally decide to extend maternity leave. Your married, you share resources and if not then you can bill him for childcare and cleaning costs.

HomeMadeMadness Sat 02-Mar-19 18:29:43

What would your reply be to "DH is insisting he have access to my money and it's in a joint account.

It's a bit odd for a married couple not to share money and the way OP phrased it he wouldn't even discuss having a joint account just said no and that was it. I'd be pissed off at that.

WatchToTheEnd Sat 02-Mar-19 18:44:16

"It's a bit odd for a married couple not to share money"

I think so (I have no individual money and same for DH) but on MN it seems quite common to not share money in a joint account or, for there to be two personal and one shared account and money transferred to the shared each month.

stanski Sat 02-Mar-19 19:05:58

Your husband could be mine!

My husband does the following!
When a decision needs to be made ie extending mat leave or getting something done in the house I ask his opinion and he says do what you think is best.

Mine does exactly the same.

MujosMama Sat 02-Mar-19 19:06:14

Wait what you said he gave you £700 to cover bills ONCE then said he puts money in your account each month? Or does the money he puts in each month only cover his half of the mortgage etc and you still have to find the other half?

Tbh you both sound quite immature. He is being a child by putting the decision on you then giving you what sound like passive aggressive grief for it when you made the decision.

But you made the decision to extend mat leave, which has significant financial implications for you as a family, without sounding like you sat down (with or without him) and worked out if you could afford it and what you'd have left, or how it would be managed.

For what it's worth we don't have family money as such, but when I was on mat leave I knew exactly what was coming in and we agreed who would have what to spend, given I was doing all the food shopping and buying clothes etc for DS, then DP transferred what we agreed was fair each month.

I would not have expected him to give me so much that he was left with nothing to spend on himself and would have expected him to say something if he was. But equally that never happened because we talked about it like adults

Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark Sat 02-Mar-19 19:11:36

You are not being unreasonable. Our system is a joint one. I would not tolerate anything else.
You don't need a joint account but work it out properly and put your foot down.

Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark Sat 02-Mar-19 19:13:19

Actually to add..
I trust him not to abuse my bank account and same with him. X

4inabedroom Sat 02-Mar-19 19:38:04

He pays the mortgage and bills. I pay childcare and dogcare. He earns 1000 a month more than me

PtahNeith Sat 02-Mar-19 19:50:28

The rest of the mat leave I got nothing off him as he won't have a joint bank account.

Sorry, what? How did that work?

You don't need a joint account to operate as a partnership, but it doesn't really sound like you are...

4inabedroom Sat 02-Mar-19 19:59:48

He continued to pay the 1000 a month whilst on mat leave and I found the rest despite being on reduced money

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