To advise my daughter to marry rich.(309 Posts)
Ok hear me out.
I will be advising my daughters to look at a person's job and prospects and to really think about what life will look like with someone in a poorly paid career/ job.
Im not saying that this is the main focus- not at all. Merely it is something to definitely think strong and hard about.
Looking at all my friends and family. The ones that are financially well off and have a lot more life choices for themselves and a better quality of life for their kids too have married men who have very good jobs. They themselves are mostly in mediocre jobs and a few of them have never even worked.
Financially stable, and sensible with money is about right. & Kindness alongside as any relationship with an unkind man is dead in the water, no matter what the circumstances.
OP hasn't mentioned not being interested in her daughter having education or being financially independent, so why some posters are jumping on that I don't know.
I agree OP. Not so much with marrying 'rich' but definitely, no broke or unambitious men.
& No lazies who can't or don't want to do and help with housework. Have you seen the Relationships board, choc-full with stories about men who won't lift a finger at home, and how despairing of this their tired wives are?
I will not promote that 'love is all', or that there is anything remotely romantic about struggle love.
I knew a guy, a terrible person, whose wife divorced him. She admitted she married him initially for his money. She had a nice car, a beautiful house, a vacation home, a housekeeper, a pool, the credit card, and didn’t have to work if she didn’t want to. But he was abusive. Not physically as far as I knew, but he was verbally abusive, sexist, racist, and a master of manipulation and gaslighting (I’d seen him in action, so I know).
Once the children left home, there were no barriers between the two, and he treated her worse than ever. Eventually the luxury car and the house and the credit card weren’t enough to justify her sticking around and being abused, so she filed for divorce. Lucky for her, she was smart and kept her foot in the door, work-wise, so she had no trouble finding a good job.
According to the results of surveys about happiness levels, you should encourage her to remain single but with a few close friendships, and to not have any children.
Or you can just get lucky.
Was on 6 figs when I met DH nearly 30 years ago. DH was on a pittance but we married for love. DH had good prospects though, well educated, same race, religion and politics. Had a marvellpus time as a SAHM for 8 years. By the time DH was on approaching 7 figs some years I was back at work. Because I like my own money in my own pocket. I started at the bottom and retrained - part time at first £7k pa. All those SAmHs who are now divorced, oh how they laughed and told me I was belittling myself. On 6 figs again now, still married. Even if I wasn't I've a career and more importantly will have 2/3 of a good occy pension if I retire at 65. Pretty sure going back to work made pur marriage stronger tbh.
Advise her to stand on her own two feet, earn her own money and marry for love. You can marry someone for money but if she's not happy it won't last and she won't know how to stand on her own two feet. Plus a marriage is a partnership not about 1 person being the earner to pay the bills it's about working together, supporting each other. Teach her to love for the person not what they can provide. Her being happy is all that matters and very often high earners work hard and long hours and aren't around alot so they can provide material items but not their time. Not always but often. Teach her independence not to be dependant
Much better in terms of wealth, I mean! They were all lovely fellas too, but I fell for DH in the end.
What is a “6 figure salary?”
I earn £30,000 a year and own a 4 bed house “down sarf”...?
Must agree with rattus about equal career status. I don’t have a top job... I had plenty of interest from much better prospective husbands than DH, before I married. But I never felt I matched up to those men. I wouldn’t want to feel that way in my marriage.
My mother married well & has nothing to worry about now that she & Dad are retired. But she is Dad’s maid. Always has been. They have a loving relationship, but she feels she owes it him as he brings in the money. She was a SAHM with us.
My DH is not rich, and terrible with money tbh. I run the finances at home. But I did not settle, as some friends did, to get a house & children. And a big wedding. We struggle, but we’re happy, independent & suit each other well.
I take it you’ve read none of the threads on here by women who are SAHM, or haven’t worked for years, or ever, and are in miserable relationships with high earners who treat them like shit, likely because they’ve followed the very advice you’re doling out to your daughters? Or the high earner has upped and left them for a younger model leaving the woman with nothing? I’m seeing this a lot in real life too - I’m late 40s and have lost count of the number of SAHMs or Prosecco Mums who were living the high life off their husband’s earnings...until they weren’t. These women have been left utterly floundering in a world where they have no discernible skills or experience and are struggling to get even a minimum wage job.
Don’t let your daughters be one of those women.
marrying rich is good if you can pull it off but unfortunately it's something you can't really, not reliably anyway, set out to do - good financial 'prospects' can all too easily leave you, suffer career stagnation, treat you badly, or whatever.
but happily the best way *by far* to maximise your chances of getting together with someone who has good financial prospects, i.e. has a good career, is to get a good career of your own. and if you are able to go down this route then you'll also have the whip hand when it comes to finding a partner.
Sofa, this is what happened to me also (I didn't get a particularly well paid job despite going to Uni and getting a good degree etc.).
However, I did marry someone of equal intelligence who does have a well paid job. I stay at home and look after the children and will probably (all things being well), never have to work full-time again (I did work full-time though throughout my 20's, got a mortgage on my flat etc. so have realised independence.) Because I wasn't on a particularly good wage it was never easy. I had no idea how much my dh earnt when I first met him (and not for a long time.)
I think that things have moved on since the days that it was a safe bet to have a high flyer husband and a supportive wife.
It is probably a high risk approach to take these days, with much higher divorce rates, newer styles of pension not necessarily supporting spouses, normal expectation being that middle-aged ex-wives can be expected to support themselves.
If you really want to make sure that they will be financially secure or rich, they need a good career themselves. The days are gone where women could be secretaries and hope to marry the boss. Most happy young couples that I know are fairly well matched financially and working to the same goals. Those that are rich have trouble finding a partner because they are suspicious of gold diggers and have plans on place to avoid partners claiming share of their home.
Completely agree with you Piebald. It seems my Indian neighbours do too. Presently looking for partners for their dentist son and anaesthetist daughter! I don't think they are considering any uber drivers, rather like minded and well educated young professionals.
Funnily enough although their mum is at home now she worked until she was 50ish and I'd say wears the trousers albeit in a traditional home.
You sound like Mrs Bennett in Pride and Prejudice.
I was thinking that.
I am late 40s. Divorcing. I went to an all girl's school, where were promised we could run the world and have everything. Of my peer group there are only four brilliant stand out earners, that I am aware of. The majority have no jobs or part time jobs and emotionally and logistically support their husbands.
However, most either married reasonable wealth or inherited it.
No idea of the state of their marriages...
Oh, I definitely don't push 'marry for love'. I'm in my 50s and tbh 'love' is very overrated as a romantic concept when it comes to the long haul. Mutual respect (love IS respect), shared values and life views especially towards money and parenting, communication, maturity all equally important.
better a rich wife beater than a poorer good guy?
Well, I've advised mine to marry for love. You can always get money but you can't get love!
You'd be better off telling your daughter to ensure that she can always stand on her own feet and make a living for herself. And there's this little thing called falling in love with someone.
You sound like Mrs Bennett in Pride and Prejudice.
I agree with Windy though. Unless you are on 6 figures you have little chance of buying the same house you could benefit from as a couple, especially down south.
Out of my friends ( we’re mid 40’s ) the one who got a very well paying job in her 20’s had to sacrificed clothes and holidays etc to buy herself a flat ( and even then had to move to an” up and coming” town miles away).The first of us to buy a house which was was pretty cool.
She later met someone had kids and now lives in a similar house and has the lifestyle of our peers. But my other friends who married / had LTR earlier didn’t seem to give up a great deal. They also didn’t have the stress of wanting children but having to chose between career break and kids. Having a husband meant both financially and practically it was easier.
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