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Waiting for 13 years

(43 Posts)
Lakesideshona Sat 02-Mar-19 08:32:47

I've followed mn for years and finally joined this morning as being a mum is in the planning stages!
My bf and I are both 30, have rented together for 2 years, have a dog and have always positively discussed children and marriage in the future. We started dating in college over a decade ago and have been a solid item ever since, we moved in together when it felt right for us and our careers had stabilised enough to afford it.

We have discussed ttc from September this year, it will give me a few months to work on my diet (I'm not overweight), I have share dividends due around then so buying a house will be more achievable and I'd like time to really plan and enjoy the experience. I thought wrongly that the question would be popped soon but a big bust up last night revealed that he now doesn't see the point in marriage and has no intention of proposing.

We both have generous incomes and there is no financial reason why we can't have a simple ceremony (a big wedding wouldn't suit me at all), he suggested changing my last name to his by deed poll or booking at a registrars if i insisted but I would then miss out on the romantic gesture I've always dreamed of and also don't want to march him down the registrar office if it's really not what he wants. Marriage itself is important to me for many reasons including being a legal partnership, taking vows and sharing a family name, as a side note both our parents are happily married. Of course I still see myself with this man for the rest of my life but I resent the fact that engagement and marriage has been taken away as an option so late in the game. The discussion is at a stale mate and I'm very upset about it.

AIBU? Has the romance of any proposal died after 13 years and planning a family do you think? WWYD? Should I just suck it up, have his children and forever be a Miss?

Many thanks

AgentJohnson Sat 02-Mar-19 09:43:20

I think you need to sit down and be very clear about what your goals are because there could be other assumptions you’ve made. In addition, I’d have to question his maturity and integrity about dropping this bombshell in an argument. This is a perfect opportunity to see if all those goals you listed are still shared

Aria2015 Sat 02-Mar-19 09:52:10

What I don't get is, if it doesn't mean anything to him (he doesn't see the point) but it means something to you, why wouldn't he do it just to please you? I mean that's how relationships work isn't it? As for your last question about should you just suck it up and have kids and forever be a miss? That really depends on if you will, over time, come to resent him for this. Nothing will kill a relationship (even a long standing, good one) more than resentment. It sounds like you want to get married so unless you manage to have a change of heart about it I would imagine it would be hard not to be resentful. I'd definitely sit down and talk with him more about this. It isn't fair that he's taken marriage off the table in a heated row. It needs to be discussed further.

FoggyDay58 Sat 02-Mar-19 10:01:21

I have friends in an almost identical situation, except they're another three years down the line and still haven't resolved it - in the meantime, no house buying and no baby. It's heartbreaking to see happening. But I see both sides - he doesn't want to get married, she does, so which side wins? Both ways someone is doing something they don't want to do. Really hope you find a resolution. flowers I agree with PP talking is best - check there aren't other areas you now see differently.

sewingbeezer Sat 02-Mar-19 10:06:09

I split up with my ex of 12 years after we agreed to get married, when my dad was dying. He clearly panicked and didn't want to commit and ran off and had an affair shortly afterwards. I'm now married with my own little family to someone I met 2 years later and ex has a family with someone else...but he still isn't married to her.

Some men are scared of being married but if it's important to you, don't settle for something that you later regret.

Cherrysoup Sat 02-Mar-19 10:08:05

Why does he not want to get married after so long together? What does he think will change?

Hiddenaspie1973 Sat 02-Mar-19 10:11:19

No marriage no kids with him.
The insecurity ( if he dies after kids arrive, your kids have a different surname to you). I hate it.

mummymeister Sat 02-Mar-19 10:16:01

I am really old fashioned but I wouldn't be making any sort of financial commitment or having children with someone if I either wasn't married to or engaged to with a date set and the arrangements in place. And I know that there will be people waiting to pile in and say that they are really happy like this etc etc. And of course if you are happy with it and everything is going well then its fine. Its when the shit hits the fan and the relationship breaks up that it all kicks off. Time and again I see post on here from women who were very happy to put everything in their partners name, like the house, the car etc then have a horrible time sorting out the mess when the relationship ends. Similarly people who get pregnant on the understanding that they will marry once the baby is born and the OH sods off leaving them as a single parent - something they never wanted and never planned for. Yes marriage is a commitment but no less than sharing finances or having children.

If your OH is saying something to you loud and clear, then listen to it OP. He isn't going to get married. Personally if that was me, I would leave and end the relationship because clearly for whatever reason that's his stance and after this length of time he isn't going to change. Move on whilst you are young enough to have children and all the other things that you want with someone else.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 02-Mar-19 10:17:45

He’s being very unfair and of course you’re upset. Is he saying he’s changed his mind now or that he never really wanted to marry you? What about having children?

Don’t fall into the trap, if it came up in a row, of him making you think you have to somehow “earn” it, that if you never disagree you’ll be “good enough” for him to propose to.

I didn’t want a proposal from my husband so wasn’t bothered about that but you have to be able to talk about these things calmly and properly so you both feel heard. He owes you a rational discussion having dropped it on you like that and if he’s not willing to do that then I’d be a bit worried.

Singlenotsingle Sat 02-Mar-19 10:23:26

So long as you're financially protected I can't see the problem. House in joint names, joint bank accounts, savings, pensions etc. You could change your name to his anyway, if you want? Or a civil partnership? Weddings are expensive 😣

bridgetreilly Sat 02-Mar-19 10:24:06

I don't think you are being unreasonable to want to be married, but it sounds like that is still an option. I do think you are being unreasonable to want the 'big romantic gesture you've dreamed of'. Big romantic gestures are not what make for solid, lasting relationships. It's okay to let that go.

Arowana Sat 02-Mar-19 10:27:46

But he had agreed to get married, yes? You say he's said you can book a resgistrar?

I'd take him up on his offer then. You say a big fancy wedding isn't important to you but being married is, so what's the problem? Pop down to the register office with him as he's suggested and everyone is happy. The only thing you've missed out on is the romantic proposal, but I think you'll be able to live with that.

JustDanceAddict Sat 02-Mar-19 10:28:46

I was the same, and we got married. Dh wasn’t as against it as your partner but he was more worried about family issues. I didn’t want kids first, wasn’t ready and just not something I wanted. Not sure what you can do other than small ceremony - what’s he so worried about as children are def more of a commitment than marriage really.

Quartz2208 Sat 02-Mar-19 10:31:13

Marriage brings so much more than a name change including a lot of legal protection particularly if you become a sahm or go part time
It actually means a lot (tax/inheritance etc) and isn’t just a gesture. For example not married he can’t go on the birth certificate without you being present
I would have a chat with him about it and how important it is for you to have children being married

mummymeister Sat 02-Mar-19 10:31:18

weddings are not expensive - they don't have to be anyway. people make them expensive by thinking that they have to have a sweet cart and favours and a paid for bar etc etc.

Agree with JustDance - children are the biggest of all the commitments.

Celebelly Sat 02-Mar-19 10:33:04

It sounds like he is willing to get married, though, just not have the ceremony or wedding that you perhaps want?

It's tricky. DP and I are planning to get married this year but neither of us are interested in a wedding so we are just going to go to the registry office with a couple of witnesses and our baby daughter and do it there. But we are both in agreement about that, whereas it sounds like the proposal and actual wedding is important to you.

Is there a compromise somewhere? Like a very small, intimate ceremony or the registry office and then a party after? Also if it was said in anger during an argument then he may have come across stronger than he actually feels when the dust has settled.

LuaDipa Sat 02-Mar-19 10:34:50

This is important to you and he is choosing not to do it. I’m suspicious that you have been open about your hopes and wishes about this and he has taken 13 years to tell you that it won’t be happening. My dh would do anything to make me happy. Don’t settle for less than you are worth.

LovingLola Sat 02-Mar-19 10:36:36

Maybe after more than a decade together he has realised that he might want something else?
Have either of you had any other serious relationship? Probably not given the age you were when you got together ..

NerdyBird Sat 02-Mar-19 10:37:08

If he says he'd do it at a registrar, book it and then tell him. If he's ok about then that might be as good as you'll get! But if he makes a fuss then he's probably not going to change his mind. I'd also not be surprised if he changed his mind about ttc come September.
This is awfully common OP, couple together years, supposedly both wanting marriage and kids then when it becomes realistic rather than theoretical the man changes his mind. Quite often the woman is strung along for years until man leaves her for someone he then very quickly marries and has kids with. Sometimes meaning it's too late for the woman to have kids.
Do not let yourself be talked into things you don't want. And keep some separate finances. If you do go ahead and have kids umarried do not become SAHM, and remember childcare is a shared cost, not just to be paid for by you.

Fishwifecalling Sat 02-Mar-19 10:37:37

Take the offer up of getting married in a registry office. It's a compromise for both of you.

Perhaps peddle the idea of a small party to celebrate rather than a traditional wedding.

Deadposhtory Sat 02-Mar-19 10:39:43

Don't have kids with this man unless you are married. I made that mistake and their dad died without a will leaving me and kids thrown out by his family and pennyless.

JiltedJohnsJulie Sat 02-Mar-19 10:44:03

I was going to write a reply, but mummymeister has summed up my feelings on this perfectly.

He is telling you loud and clear, he doesn't want to marry you.

I would move on without him.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine Sat 02-Mar-19 10:44:37

You need to sit down and have a long chat with him about this. He's said he's willing to get married, it seems that he just doesn't want much in the way of a wedding. You could come to a compromise. I think you need to get more information from him about what his feelings are exactly. If he wants to have a family with you then he's saying he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Don't throw away the right relationship just because he's not into weddings.

Personally I couldn't think of anything worse than walking down the aisle in a big white dress with everyone staring at me. I'm not sure I'd have been willing to do it even for DH's sake if that's what he wanted. A wedding, if it happens, should be about both of you, and if your ideas are poles apart then you need to find a way of meeting in the middle. How it happens really isn't a big deal in the long run, it's just one day, the actually being married is the important bit, and you say he's up for that.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine Sat 02-Mar-19 10:45:59

Don't have his children without getting married first though. It leaves you financially vulnerable.

ReanimatedSGB Sat 02-Mar-19 10:49:47

This is a man who thinks, deep down, that you are a Will Do For Now partner. He doesn't want to marry you, because he's still anticipating that [sexy female celeb] will one day stop by and sweep him off his feet and, by not being married, he sees himself as still free to move on when he feels like it.

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