AIBU to think that my DSIS is biting off more than she can chew?(35 Posts)
Background: My dsis suffers from depression, an eating disorder and is alcohol dependent.
She quit her last job about 6 months ago as she wasn't coping.
She has just managed to get her benefits sorted now and had decided she was going to take some time out to get counselling, try to address the various issues (the alcohol being the one that probably needs addressing first).
Yesterday she got called for an interview for next week. The role is 10k more than her previous one. It's a fairly long commute (about an hour and 10 minutes).
She is considering going for the interview!
AIBU in thinking she's only going to land herself in hot water, probably won't cope, will end up unemployed again, end up with a dodgy CV and should be focusing on getting herself well before she even considers a return to work?
For reference, she has literally been signed off as unfit to work indefinitely by Universal Credit.
She is still drinking almost all day long and maybe won't get the job anyway, but if by some fluke she does get it, will it enable her to turn her life around or is she setting herself up to fail again?
She's asking me what to do and I'm sort of asking her how does she realistically see it panning out. Her response is that the offer is too good to refuse and that she might manage it.
What advice should I give her? She can't even seem to stay off alcohol for one day to prep herself for the interview.
She's a lovely competent person and I have no doubt she could do this role with her eyes closed, but is she potentially going to damage her health more? Yes, maybe it could be the making of her, but I'm not sure what to advise?
Is she asking for your advice? If not I’d stay out of it. It’s not your business.
I’m on the fence...
I think there are benefits to working and personally not working would make me more depressed and drink more.
You know your sister best but there are some benefits to having structure and routine. This job may be more/less stressful than the last
Could she still access and attend counselling if she got the job?
If easily overwhelmed, she might be better to focus on recovery.
Would the commute mean having to drive the commute? If so, I think that's where your focus should be; could she stay off alcohol long enough to safely and legally make that commute twice a day every day for the next few years?
Just to say, if she is really alcohol dependent it's very dangerous to just stop drinking completely, wrt the staying away from it for the day before the interview.
^ and driving.
I agree OP, she wouldn't manage it, and needs to get well first.
No, the commute is from North London to Victoria - she'd have to get a bus then the underground. She doesn't drive. Yes, she sort of asked for my advice, was excited ringing me, when the day before she was excited ringing me to say that her benefits were now insitu and that she's on a waiting list for counselling! I personally think that even going to the interview and not getting the job will set her back. At the end of the day I suppose it's her decision, so I don't know what to advise. It sounds like an amazing opportunity.
The other side of it I suppose is that with the level of salary, she'd probably be able to afford private counselling out of hours. It's a massive multinational, so they may well have supports in place that she could access.
I just don't want to see her set back any further as she can be suicidal at times and has taken numerous overdoses.
"She's asking me what to do and I'm sort of asking her how does she realistically see it panning"
She's asking you what to do and you aren't helping her by holding back.
She's alcohol dependent, her head will be all over the place, but you won't advise her, why?
Why aren't you having the discussion you are on here, with her?
Apparently she registered with an agency directly after she left her last job. They called her in January about this job (she doesn't remember this) and she had told them that it was too far away. They then rang her yesterday again saying that the company are really keen to meet her for interview (I guess they haven't found someone yet, or they had someone who didn't work out) as they wish to meet more candidates.
Because I've sort of tentatively asked her how she feels, but haven't actually given her any actual advice.
It is highly unlikely she will get the role if she is how you describe her here. So say that you support her if he decides to go for it but do gently suggest that perhaps they will also see her as “unfit” for work at this time
Ask her what is more important/better sorting out her health and getting a job later or getting a job now which might have an even more negative effect on her job?
I would also ask if she applied for the job so she would have an excuse to not deal with her alcoholism.
I suppose I don't want to be the one who says go for it and she fucks up or the one who says don't go for it and she ends up even more bloody depressed!
Difficult one, I suffered with a bad depression around ten years ago, wasn’t working and while I wasn’t drinking all day, every day I was certainly drinking too much. I applied for a job that I thought was beyond me via an agency and to my surprise got it. It really turned things round for me. Perhaps your sister is hoping for a similar outcome?
Don't let her do it, sounds harsh- but I was in her situation 4months ago (just without the alcohol issue). My commute was a hour 18 on the train and that broke me every day- getting stressed about meal times, what time I'd be back, what to eat at work etc. I just couldn't manage it.
I used to come back crying and having panic attacks due to exhaustion.
I'd say she needs therapy and to get the alcohol dependency under control otherwise she won't be able to do anything!
Oh and in similar circumstances, I didn’t “actively” apply for the job, the agency sent me for an interview thinking I’d be a good fit.
@Bungalowbeth that's useful to hear. She has a brilliant mind and is very hardworking, but seems to have ghosts that haunt her and mess up everything for her. On the one hand I think it could be the golden opportunity she needs, on the other hand I don't know whether she should be taking more time out to get really well.
As things stand, she'd be going from drinking all day long, to holding down a full time job. It's a fairly senior role where cracks would become apparent very quickly I imagine. Unless she can pull herself together in the next few days. We just don't want to lose her. It's really not her fault that she's unwell but she is very hard on herself.
I certainly can't, and she's just on benefits. So no, no option of a detox clinic.
I think I would remind her that she left the last job, and initially turned this one down for a reason, and that it was really good one that she's not yet had the chance to address.
If she gets this job and it doesn't work out, she will have to go through all the process for credits etc again which may well be more difficult if she's basically turned them down in order to work. That would really worry me tbh.
I wonder if you can get to the bottom of why she wants to do this job beyond 'it's too good not to'. If she's worried about being bored or needing a distraction that's potentially something that can be dealt with.
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