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AIBU to cut all contact? Child’s father!

(9 Posts)
Getskinnyordietrying Fri 01-Mar-19 17:18:35

I I’ll try and keep it short and to the point. have a nearly 4 year old dd, who came from a 6 month long relationship with a married man.(he has two kids with wife if that’s relevant I’m not sure) I didn’t know he was married at the time and I ended things as soon as I found out. (I was 12 weeks pregnant and the time) He has no contact with our dd and has always maintained he never wants contact. He and his wife are apparently working on things but says they don’t have sex. He often contacts me to see how I’m doing, and wants to meet me but it’s only me and just for some fun. If I raise the subject of our dd he ends the conversation. He pays £260 a month maintenance. And is keen that I don’t use the csa. I’m not sure if it’s because he should be paying more or if it’s because he wants to hide payments from his wife. (Is that a reasonable amount? I don’t know!) I’ve not met him and have no interest in what he suggests but I leave lines of communication open at all times in case he changes his mind and wants to see dd. Do you think it’s likely he will? Should I just cut all ties or leave them open so that when dd is older I can hand on heart tell her I tried to get him to see her?

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty Fri 01-Mar-19 17:30:29

That's a difficult situation. I remember my heart being broken into pieces when someone made the effort to tell me the guy I was seeing and had fallen for was off getting married to his fiancee. I am so glad I didnt end up in your situation.

You could ask him if he is happy to write her a letter she can open on her eighteenth birthday, maybe, then go your own ways.

KanielOutis Fri 01-Mar-19 17:32:40

Cut all contact and go through CSA. Changes are you are both being short changed. You financially and your DD emotionally.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 01-Mar-19 17:44:23

I would definitely cut contact with him, he just wants to use you for his conveniance.

Getskinnyordietrying Fri 01-Mar-19 17:51:04

I have asked if he would write something for the future (about a year ago) but he said he’d rather not as he hopes she won’t be able to find him.

NChangeForNoReason Fri 01-Mar-19 18:03:19

Based on having a 16yo conceived in similar circumstances I wish I had ceased all contact. Knowing she has a dad who doesn't want her (despite all coms avenues being open) has, over the years, caused MH and behaviour issues.

I know it would have been a different type of difficult If I had closed all coms, but at least that would have been a definitive action rather than a "will he/won't he" contact me dilemma.

I also wish I had gone to the CSA. I didn't (he was self employed so didn't earn much) and he paid nothing. I didn't pursue as I thought if I didn't rock the boat it might encourage him to make contact .. it didn't hmm

Close contact, move on and you never know you may just find someone else who will be that father figure (I did and he is a wonderful dad to his bio and non-bio kids smile)

Thingsdogetbetter Fri 01-Mar-19 18:04:57

He doesn't want to go through csa because there would be letters coming to his house and details on his bank account that his wife might see. He's scared so use that.

I'm not usually one to say take him for what you get, but this time I'm saying go for it! Say you need more and a written legal document agreeing to payments or you'll have to go to csa. Once you've got that, set up a new email account and give it to him should he ever wish to have contact with dc. Then block him on everything else. Do not respond to emails that are not about contact. You're being far too nice. It's obvious he's only contacting you cos he thinks you'll shag him again. He's not interesting in seeing dc and you keeping allowing contact with you not going to change that and just makes him think you're still interested and just need persuading.

Then stop worrying about what your dc will think in the distant future and concentrate on have a wonderful time with dc now. .

PtahNeith Fri 01-Mar-19 18:37:00

I have asked if he would write something for the future (about a year ago) but he said he’d rather not as he hopes she won’t be able to find him.

Surely this tells you just how much he's likely to fuck her up if you keep him in your lives?

He is stopping you from moving forward and building a healthy, safe life for the two of you. Take control and put a stop to it. He's not going to change. The reason he's meddling is because he's trying to use you again, and likes feeling he has the power to do that. It shows no intent of changing his behaviour.

Nearlythere1 Fri 01-Mar-19 18:54:10

OP, it's a tough one...
For what it's worth if the wife and kids dont know, why not try to get some sort of legal agreement on payment that doesnt go through the CSA? I always have trouble thinking about these situations. I totally support your right and your child's right to support, but you don't want to devastate two other innocent kids in the process.
Other than the financials, I'd say cut him out. It sounds like he's stopping you moving on apart from anything. You have a chance to meet somebody later that will make a family for your daughter.

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