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Annoying SIL

(73 Posts)
Kinaslina86 Fri 01-Mar-19 16:38:11

Here it goes. Sorry it may be a long one blush

When my SIL found out i was pregnant (we have told everyone when i was 3 months) she wasn't happy as she thought she would be the first one to have a baby. She is younger than me by 7 years and she is with her former boyfriend around a year my partner and i are together for 4 years. We weren't really trying but thought if it happens then it happens.
The whole course of pregnancy not even once she asked how was i feeling or was i alright. Her BF asked few times and made an effort but she just ignored me most of the time and didn't bother with me. We all live together with PIL, BIL, SIL and her BF as its a big house.
I gave birth to a DS and he is 6 months old now and she thinks she has a right to him. The first picture ever of DS she posted online without asking me or my partner. I think as a parents we have a right to do it first if we wish to she did not ask if we mind or anything i was absolutely fuming!!!!angryangry
Shes one of them that "knows everything" about babies and how to care for them despite the fact she hasn’t got any and looking after someone else’s kids isn’t the same.
She calls him "my boy" "how is my boy?" or "where is my boy?" when she knows exactly we call him that and it really annoy me and i have told her that he is my boy not hers but she keeps calling him like that just out of spite.
When she has friends round she demands brining him for them to see him even tho we do not know them. She doesn't ask she actually demands and send text after text saying "Bring him so ZZX can see him" so we just ignore her but i have told my DP to sort her out as her behaviour frustrates me.
My DP works away so he only sees LO over the weekends and Friday if he manages to finish early. So Saturday and Sunday i would like to have a family time with LO na DP buuuut nooo Saturday morning or Sunday morning she comes to our room wanting to see DS.
She is an auntie and not a mother to my LO. When she holds him i feel like i cant get him back from her because she makes it just awkward and she passes him to everyone like a bloody parcel.
Its my first baby i know i may be overprotective but AIBU?

I understand she may be excited and whatever but to have a relationship with LO she has to have relationship with me and her DB but we just don’t get on because she is spiteful, two faced and just not a nice person.
Whyy would i let her see him when she did not bother about me when i was pregnant.

Sorry for a long post i think i needed to bent as well as my partner is sick of me complaining about her ahha

KitKatCHA Fri 01-Mar-19 16:42:39

Move out. ASAP.

SoftPlant Fri 01-Mar-19 16:42:43

I think the crux of it is, lots of people wouldn't get on with their SIL if they lived in the same house. You need your own space and boundaries. These probably won't come until you move out.

howwillwedeal Fri 01-Mar-19 16:42:50

Move out into your own place, enjoy your privacy and being able to close your front door and open it only when you want.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 01-Mar-19 16:45:00

Put a lock on your door, for one thing. Move out for another.

Starch Fri 01-Mar-19 16:45:50

Living with someone you can’t stand, especially when your own partner is there so little, is probably not conducive to a happy, settled home life tbh. Time to move out I would have thought

SnuggyBuggy Fri 01-Mar-19 16:49:34

Even in a big house most people would find this suffocating. I would look at your options for moving out.

BlueMerchant Fri 01-Mar-19 16:49:47

Agree you need your own family home- move asap.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Fri 01-Mar-19 16:50:49

Why on earth are you all living together?

HollowTalk Fri 01-Mar-19 16:52:33

She won't change. I would find somewhere else to live.

Holidayshopping Fri 01-Mar-19 16:55:29

Why are you all living together? Ypur living situation is unusual and would annoy most people.

Move out.

LL83 Fri 01-Mar-19 16:56:09

You are both being spiteful. She was unreasonable to ignore you in pregnancy. She is not unreasonable to be interested in nephew and want to see him.

Family time alone while you live with 2 other couples is very unlikely.

IvanaPee Fri 01-Mar-19 16:58:18

My god, your poor PIL. You all need to grow up and move out.

FizzyGreenWater Fri 01-Mar-19 16:59:07

MOVE OUT!

And let her know that if she doesn't stop her nonsense, once you are out, she will not be welcome at yours.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Fri 01-Mar-19 17:11:00

I’d love to hear SILs side of this story grin

SnuggyBuggy Fri 01-Mar-19 17:14:09

It could be a case of people who are nice individuals but should not live together

Kinaslina86 Fri 01-Mar-19 17:28:39

I know thats what i thought. We probably would get on better if not living together. But we do get on with his DB just not her. I did say to DP that we should move out as i feel suffocated in this situation (even tho is a big house and we have our own space) but because we live on a farm far away from traffic with loads of place for LO to play and run when he is older. We don't have any neighbours just peace and quiet with 5 sheep, loads of chickens, ducks and 2 geese (they are pets not food) so thats why we are still in this position as we are thinking of little man when he is a bit older.

PotteringAlong Fri 01-Mar-19 17:31:52

But you do have neighbours. And you all live in the same house.

Kinaslina86 Fri 01-Mar-19 17:31:54

I have lock on my door as she was coming when i was out and taking my things!! But i would just feel rude locking myself in and ignoring when she is knocking.

I understand she wants to see him and i allow it with all means but when i have told her he is my boy she is calling him her boy on purpose. Why would you do that?

NotStayingIn Fri 01-Mar-19 17:34:50

YANBU but I do think you’re being really stupid. The living arrangements aren’t working and clearly haven’t worked in ages. Yet you aren’t changing them. I’m sure you’ll come up with a million reasons as to why they can’t change. But they have to, or you’ll ruin your relationship with SiL and possibly your husband. If you want to be happy then make that happen.

IvanaPee Fri 01-Mar-19 17:35:38

Yeah but it’s not your house or farm!

Was it with all these entitled posters thinking their parents owe them a place to live forever?! confused

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty Fri 01-Mar-19 17:36:28

Would it be possible to build a separate small house on the land? Would his parents allow that? At least then you could keep the front door locked.

WilsonandNoodles Fri 01-Mar-19 17:40:25

If you like the country get a house in the country. It will be lovely to visit them all so your DS can play the relatives and animal but even nicer to then go home to your own space. Its nice she wants to spend time with him but you are growing to hate her and it will only get worse.

Esspee Fri 01-Mar-19 17:43:52

I am assuming there is a cultural reason for the extended family living together.
Would you and your husband consider having a place of your own or is that our of the question?

Holidayshopping Fri 01-Mar-19 17:48:10

because we live on a farm far away from traffic with loads of place for LO to play and run when he is older.

Are you planning to live there indefinitely so your child has a nice garden?!

Grow up and get your own house.

Ghanagirl Fri 01-Mar-19 17:51:50

Sounds like an awful set up.
Don’t you have any friends or family that you can spend time with when DH is away?

RelaisBlu Fri 01-Mar-19 18:59:15

Now you are a family you need your own space. Move out.

Kinaslina86 Fri 01-Mar-19 19:02:14

Thank you everyone who reply.
I know we have to move out and i have said that to DP few time and you are right there is always some kind of excuse.
The house isn't ours but we all live together to actually help PIL and not other way round lime everyone else thinks.

burritofan Fri 01-Mar-19 19:03:51

* But i would just feel rude locking myself in and ignoring when she is knocking.*

So you haven't set any boundaries, or enforced them. Yes, she sounds annoying and rude and yes, you should move out. But you should also use your words – and your hands, to lock the door! – and tell her how it's going to be: please don't knock on our door before X o'clock. Please don't come into our bedroom. No, we won't bring DS down to meet your friends. Etc.

Kinaslina86 Fri 01-Mar-19 19:05:39

LO needs a routine so going to stay with friends or family for a week and be back on the weekend would just disturbed him.

Hairyporker Fri 01-Mar-19 19:06:44

Are you all 14?

Hollowvictory Fri 01-Mar-19 19:07:33

The answer is blindingly obvious...

Kinaslina86 Fri 01-Mar-19 19:14:12

@burritofan
I just don't like confrontations and because its DP sister i asked him tell her to stop demanding stuff and start respecting our privacy because if that would be my DB or DM I would of told them straight away. So probably i will have to say something as nothing will change.
She just has a big mouth she will talk over me and i am not a fast thinker i alway think of things that i should of said afterwards blush

pocketdelia Fri 01-Mar-19 19:16:23

Move into your own family home in the country. He can see the chickens and grandparents for visits.

TooManyPaws Fri 01-Mar-19 19:17:05

Do what my farm neighbours did and get a static caravan so you have your own small family residence. More privacy (they put theirs in an orchard) but still close to help out.

CalmdownJanet Fri 01-Mar-19 19:42:47

This is one of those threads where I would love to hear the sils version.

Kinaslina86 Sat 02-Mar-19 08:40:34

Her side of story would be probably different. I am not a nasty person and i don't do anything until provoked. I am putting up with her behaviour for 6 months now so i don't know why i am being called spiteful.

SnuggyBuggy Sat 02-Mar-19 08:43:05

Do you really want this for your child? It may be a nice lifestyle but growing up in a dysfunctional family isn't what most people aspire to.

pelirocco123 Sat 02-Mar-19 08:45:42

You are effectively living in an extended family unit' as such you will be more involved in each other's life's .You really need to move out and start living as adults

ThanosSavedMe Sat 02-Mar-19 08:46:08

What do you really think is better for your son in the future. Living in a fam with space, lambs, geese and fresh air. Or a happy mum?

Stop making excuses, move out and get your own space. You sil is not going to change.

ThanosSavedMe Sat 02-Mar-19 08:47:55

Hit send too soon.

There is not going to be a lightbulb moment when she suddenly realises that what she is doing is unreasonable and she should respect you. If your dp was going to do something, he’d have done it by now.

adulthumanwolf Sat 02-Mar-19 08:48:00

You need to move out.

JenniferJareau Sat 02-Mar-19 08:49:37

I am putting up with her behaviour for 6 months now so i don't know why i am being called spiteful.

Because you didn't initially set any boundaries. You let her get away with this behaviour for 6 months letting her believe it is normal and of course she is going to bite back now you are saying it's not ok.

You need to move out. I can't believe that your PIL need all of you living there.

PersonaNonGarter Sat 02-Mar-19 08:50:34

How old are you all? Ridiculous. Move out, problem solved.

Whatsnewpussyhat Sat 02-Mar-19 08:52:22

Ffs MOVE OUT!!

SomeDayPerhaps Sat 02-Mar-19 09:04:26

It's very common for certain cultures to all live together in one big house maybe the OP is in that situation

popsadaisy Sat 02-Mar-19 09:05:20

You aren't spiteful at all, people are getting far too emotive about your situation to start name calling. Ignore them, their issues not yours. My advice would be like everyone else's and to move out if possible and your LO can have all the lovely countryside experiences you describe when he visits his GPs smile
If you are not in a position to move out then I would sit your SIL down and as nicely as possible put your boundaries down, try and do it in a way that she can't attack you. Make her feel sorry for you if you have to and almost 'befriend' her so that she would hopefully start to respect you enough to keep to your boundaries. Good luck, she sounds like a nightmare.

pictish Sat 02-Mar-19 09:24:32

She sounds like a self-important, competitive, overbearing horror.
She is plenty reason enough to move out.

Wakk Sat 02-Mar-19 09:26:17

I think it's nice she wants to spend time with him.

Isth Sat 02-Mar-19 09:32:08

Are you all particularly young? This is farcical, grow up and move out.

llangennith Sat 02-Mar-19 10:00:03

You have a lock on your door so use it. If you want to continue living together with extended family you have to set boundaries. If your DH won't do so then you'll have to.

• Your DS is not a toy to be passed around and played with.
• You will not be taking him to meet her friends when they call round.
• You and your DH&DS have a right to privacy and family time.

If you can't tell her this or if she won't agree then you'll have to move out for the foreseeable future.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 Sat 02-Mar-19 10:04:42

Tha answer is clear-move out or set proper boundaries and stick to them.

CrispbuttyNo1 Sat 02-Mar-19 10:06:00

Well you aren't working on the farm, nor is your DP so there is no reason why you can't find your own place to live.

Your child would also benefit by being able to make human friends his own age rather than ducks and chickens.

sweetcheeksmahoaney Sat 02-Mar-19 10:16:15

i feel for you and can totally sympathise we lived with my inlaws whilst i was pregnant and for 2 years after son was born... we simply couldnt afford to move at that time. it was hell on earth my mil completely took over my son. my dp worked all the hours god sent to finance a move so it ment i was home alone with inlaws most of the time... i hated it grew to really hate my mil... now we live in our own place we have a great relationship and mil and me are so close. trust me a move will help ur situation greatly. xx

Snog Sat 02-Mar-19 10:24:03

Move out, you can bring ds for visits!
PIL can get a lodger instead to help pay bills.

ALannisterInDebt Sat 02-Mar-19 10:35:27

Move out ASAP it's really unnatural to be living with all this family, especially with a new baby, no wonder you're getting on each other's tits!

Bluearsedfly36 Sat 02-Mar-19 10:42:04

I'm with everyone else... move out!!!

CantStopMeNow Sat 02-Mar-19 16:34:07

OP - YOU need to grow up and put the wellbeing of you and your child first and stop making excuses and passing responsibility onto others.

Housing - so thats why we are still in this position as we are thinking of little man when he is a bit older
You and your dp need to stop using your child as an excuse as to why you choose to freeload off your pil.
Your dp has never moved out and you chose to live there ^before you were pregnant.
Your living costs are a lot cheaper at pil's and that's the main reason you both want to stay living there.

Boundaries - I just don't like confrontations and because its DP sister i asked him tell her to stop demanding stuff and start respecting our privacy
Tough shit - you're a mother now and you have to learn how to be assertive, set boundaries and follow through with any consequences for people ignoring those boundaries.
Your dp isn't there during the week so YOU need to step up
You CHOSE to live there, they are your housemates so you can't use the excuse of "dp should deal with his family"

I'm assuming that you're a SAHM, do you have any financial independence of your own or do you rely on dp's wages and generosity?
You're in an extremely vulnerable position and it's like you don't even realise it - or care
Pil can throw you out at any time and especially if/when things don't work out with your dp
You're not married so in the event of a split you will be even more vulnerable - no rights to continue living there, no rights to any 'family income' other than maintenance for your dc and no rights to any other savings/assets etc if they're all in his name only.

Move out and live somewhere yo can have a life of your own independently as well.

Kinaslina86 Mon 04-Mar-19 12:06:58

@popsadaisy
She is a nightmare. Somedays she is over nice to me and some days she doesn't say anythinghmm when i am playing with DS or feeding him etc she will be on her phone not even trying to make a conversation making the situation really awkward.
I would really like to move out but that isn't possible atm so as you said i will have to speak to her and set the boundaries as she doesn't understand that we need a privacy and family time.

Thank you for a nice words smile

Kinaslina86 Mon 04-Mar-19 12:07:34

Sorry for really long delay in replaying but weekend happened grin

Kinaslina86 Mon 04-Mar-19 12:10:42

@pictish
I think thats what it is to her a competition. As we were the first to give PIL and MP a first grandchild which i didn't think of it like that.

Kinaslina86 Mon 04-Mar-19 12:15:55

@Wakk
It is nice that she wants to spend time with DS but not every single day and not when she makes me feel awkward.
I would love to have a good relationship with her but that wont be possible if she doesn't change her behaviour and accepts DS is my son and not a toy.

Lets be honest here which one of MN posters see their nieces and nephews every single day???

Kinaslina86 Mon 04-Mar-19 12:17:45

@llangennith
Very good advice
I think thats just ridiculous when she demands for her friends to see him when i don't even know them hmm

Cheeeeislifenow Mon 04-Mar-19 12:20:35

Lets be honest here which one of MN posters see their nieces and nephews every single day???

Errh you chose to live there though ..

IvanaPee Mon 04-Mar-19 12:22:53

Well most of us are adults who choose to live in our own homes.

SilviaSalmon Mon 04-Mar-19 12:24:18

So it sounds like your SIL was jealous.

Now that LO is here, your SIL clearly loves him. It’s great to have people around that love you. Could you harness her interest into babysitting or nappy changing?

He isn’t her child, he’s yours. You know that, and your DS will never doubt it. Is there any harm in letting her enjoy him? That said, be assertive if she is ignoring you when you ask for him back or for him not to be handed round.

Kinaslina86 Mon 04-Mar-19 12:25:20

@sweetcheeksmahoaney
I really would like to move out as i think too much contact with PIL will make us not like each other even tho i don't see them everyday (as i said we have our own living space) and obviously with the SIL situation as well.

Moving out is inevitable but not atm.

Kinaslina86 Mon 04-Mar-19 12:34:33

@CantStopMeNow
We are not freeloading off the PIL as the property is rented and PIL are in really bad financial situation thats why we live all together to help them out. They had properties and business but lost everything so when i said PIL need us more than we need them i wants just saying that to justify why we all live there.
Its not any cheaper to live somewhere else.

Really don't know where people got that from.

I am SAHM atm but i will go back to work at some point but you highlighted really good points there.

Kinaslina86 Mon 04-Mar-19 12:36:41

@Cheeeeislifenow @IvanaPee
I did not know she was going to be like that did i? Otherwise i would try and persuade DP to move out somehow.

Kinaslina86 Mon 04-Mar-19 12:44:09

@SilviaSalmon
I know sounds like she was jealous and thats why she wasn't interested in me the whole pregnancy which is a bit hurtful but oh well life.
I would be happy for her if she would get pregnant i would not be jealous one bit but we just two different people.
She loves him which i completely understand as he is little handsome boy but ignores me so how that is going to work?
The problem with SIL she tries to take over and thats what annoys me.

SoyDora Mon 04-Mar-19 12:50:36

Lets be honest here which one of MN posters see their nieces and nephews every single day???

No, but I don’t live with them. I see the people I live with every single day.

M4J4 Mon 04-Mar-19 12:52:31

She's 7 years younger so lord knows why she thinks it's unreasonable for you to have a baby before her.

Why can't you move out? Are PIL putting pressure on you and DP to stay and help with rent?

when i am playing with DS or feeding him etc she will be on her phone not even trying to make a conversation making the situation really awkward.

Surely you just ignore her or go into a different room?

VivaDixie Mon 04-Mar-19 13:00:02

We are not freeloading off the PIL as the property is rented and PIL are in really bad financial situation thats why we live all together to help them out. They had properties and business but lost everything so when i said PIL need us more than we need them i wants just saying that to justify why we all live there.

Yes but this is not your responsibility. This is PIL issue to overcome. Maybe they need to rent somewhere smaller and cheaper, such a huge farm cannot be economical to rent..

Not sure if this solution has been mentioned wink - but in your shoes i would MOVE OUT!!!!

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