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To ask if there are any step parents here with fertility issues?

(9 Posts)
OhhBugger Fri 01-Mar-19 11:17:44

I'm a step parent to a lovely DC.

I have fertility issues in my family which have affected me and DH TTC and we could be facing a possibility of never having a child together.

Are there any other step parents who have had issues like this?

I'm finding it incredibly tough. I love my SC but they are a constant reminder that my DH has what I don't and may never. And whilst I really enjoy having them in my life, I still long desperately for my own child and for someone to call me mum rather than just Dad's wife.

I've realised recently that this is making me feel that bit more lonely in this whole situation as me and DH clearly have different experiences. It's almost like a sort of jealousy although I am glad he has DC already as I'd feel incredibly guilty if my body prevented that from ever happening for him as well as me. I worry that I don't really count that much in his life as I'm not the mother of his child (although I feel daft even typing that because I know he adores me).

I don't want to leave or anything, I love my DH and his child. I guess I'm just looking for support from others who have had to deal with the idea of never being a mum themselves whilst still being around children on a regular basis and having some form of 'parent' responsibility (even though only as a SP).

OhhBugger Fri 01-Mar-19 21:58:26


user1473878824 Fri 01-Mar-19 22:02:50

Oh love I’m so sorry. I’m not in your shoes but have thought about this before (not-quite SM here). Have you spoken to your DH about it? Sending lots of very unMumsnetty hugs xx

Musicalstatues Fri 01-Mar-19 22:03:00

You might get more response posting on the step parenting board (I am a sp but also have kids so can’t offer any advice I’m afraid but much sympathy)
You could also try here as I believe there are (or were) a few step mums on here who haven’t been able to have their own kids.

YogaMama94 Fri 01-Mar-19 22:05:42

I've never been in this situation, but I get the impression it'd be really beneficial to tell your partner all this. Show him your message on this thread if you can't find the words verbally, because you've said it perfectly here. There's obviously nothing your partner can do, but just talking to him about how you've been feeling will help make you feel better, and don't feel like he'll think badly of you for saying it! Best of luck, I really hope everything works out for you smile

Betty777 Fri 01-Mar-19 23:16:25

don't know how helpful this is but i was once in your boat. It was hard, but I consoled myself at the time that I at least had a DC - though not my own - to care about, to keep me in tune with the 'youth', to advise on school things, and generally worry about - that is more than some people have and there's a lot of joy to be had in being a part-time Step parent. Kind of adopting that grandparent attitude of 'grandkids are amazing because you can give them back'

In the end we got pregnant (now a healthy happy fab 3 year old) but DH and I are now separated. Possibly/definitely because he hadn't realised he wasn't ready to go back to being a parent of young baby again. No regrets obviously, but there are silver linings to every situation (remember that film Sliding Doors?!)

Hope either option works out x

Betty777 Fri 01-Mar-19 23:17:24

but I should have added - please find a kind therapist and voice some of these feelings - might help you come to terms with them to vocalise

LemonSqueezy0 Fri 01-Mar-19 23:32:10

I'm in this situation and have felt all the feelings you've said and more... Then on top of that, I felt guilty for feeling like that (resentful, hopeflesss, jealous) We looked into IVF and so on but are now going through the adoption process. One thing that came out of if all, for us, was that my partner was as gutted about it as I was, and it wasn't only me that felt bad. He has a DC but wants nothing more than to expand our family. He gets the difference in how it feels for me, of course, but isn't unbothered.

OhhBugger Sat 02-Mar-19 10:50:13

Thanks all! flowers

Re talking to my partner, I have in a way told him that sometimes it's difficult. Especially when I'm actually going through a miscarriage, I tend to hide myself away for a few days because being around DC is just heartbreaking at that time.

But I'm so worried about coming across as though I'm speaking negatively about his child when really I do love them and it's nothing to do with them personally of course! It's really difficult to articulate what I mean without coming across as though I'm trying to make him feel guilty, which he will because he's a really caring person who tries so hard to make me happy and feel better about our situation. I don't like the idea of him thinking a situation he can't help is making me feel worse.

LemonSqueezy0 thank you and I'm sorry you're in this position too.

My DH also tells me he is gutted as well, I know it affects him too. It's hard to accept sometimes that he's as heartbroken as me considering he will never have to face not becoming a parent at all but then I feel awful for thinking that way. It's still his child at the end of the day that I'm losing each time and of course it isn't a competition... I feel worse than you because of x y or z. It's just so difficult to stop those thoughts from creeping in sometimes.

I think counselling may be a good option. I want to be able to talk about all the silly, painful and sometimes embarrassing things that go on in my head without having to worry about offending anyone! I may look into it.

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