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Ex in anger management. Wants access to our son.

(27 Posts)
GordonMieke Thu 28-Feb-19 22:52:59

I have a little DS. He's a handful of months old.

Separated from exP as he was horrid to me. Used me as childcare. Not a nice person.

He wants access to our son. I've said fine as long as I'm there. He has a short temper, is in anger management, and gets angry when DS cries. Thought it was ok to just let a 2 month old 'cry it out' because he's learn better that way. Etc etc.

He's ebf at the moment but will be weaned fairly soon and he will want access on his own.

Can I prevent that based on the above? I am in no way trying to prevent him from having a relationship with his father. I'm genuinely not comfortable with him being alone with him.

GordonMieke Thu 28-Feb-19 23:04:55

He'd not he's

RandomMess Thu 28-Feb-19 23:08:23

Make it via a contact centre initially? Make him jump through hoops and have completed the course first? Not unreasonable under the circumstances.

Bugsymalonemumof2 Thu 28-Feb-19 23:10:23

Wait for him to take you to court. Do it properly so your baby is safe.

Rtmhwales Thu 28-Feb-19 23:25:39

If he doesn't want to do supervised contact through you, he can take you to court.

GordonMieke Fri 01-Mar-19 07:43:10

Thanks all. It's such a mess sad

coconutpie Fri 01-Mar-19 07:45:49

Why are you wearing him soon if he's only a few months old? Would you consider continuing to bf for longer?

Also, let him take you to court. No way would he have unsupervised access when he has anger management issues.

GordonMieke Fri 01-Mar-19 07:48:12

When I say weaning I mean starring solids. I want to breastfeed for the WHO recommended 2 years, always have.

Nothinglefttochoose Fri 01-Mar-19 07:50:33

Really coconutpie? That’s what you took from her post? Questioning her on feeding choices? Unbelievable.

TheSerenDipitY Fri 01-Mar-19 07:52:31

you can breast feed until 2 if you can as it will make over nights unlikely for him

TestingTestingWonTooFree Fri 01-Mar-19 07:55:50

I didn’t read coconutpie’s question as critical of her choices but as identifying a possible strategy to put up a barrier to unrestricted contact.

In the absence of a conviction/provable serious physical violence, I don’t think a court will prevent him having unsupervised contact. The fact he’s doing anger management is helpful to you though. How has that come about?

Think about whether he could use a contact centre (look up the rules for your nearest one). Also think about whether he has a relative/friend who you could trust to supervise.

buckingfrolicks Fri 01-Mar-19 07:58:01

I've been on an anger management course - and it was full of men like your ex (and 3 women not like your ex!).
My experience was that the course really did change the men. We all learned a huge amount. Every single man bar one, wept openly with regret and shame. Every single man bar the same guy, changed hugely in their understanding of themselves and the impact of their behaviour. They learned - and were so relieved to learn - new ways of thinking, responding, and behaving. By the end of the long course, I was incredibly fond of this bunch of 16 plus men.

I'm not saying all anger management courses 'work', or that this will be the case for your Ex. Some people are, by the time they reach adulthood, irreparably broken.

Collaborate Fri 01-Mar-19 08:14:51

OP - Don't wait for him to take you to court as @Bugsymalonemumof2 and @coconutpie advise (terrible advice btw - sorry) but by all means be in control right now. I don't think its a good idea for it to be just you, ex and your child. The dynamics don't sound healthy. Could there be a third party present?

The court system is under too much strain as it is for people to be suggesting that it's the default go-to option.

GordonMieke Fri 01-Mar-19 08:15:55

He's never been violent but he's done things like thrown something at the wall next to my head, screams and shouts and punches things when he gets angry, often over something trivial, snaps at me and his daughter for silly things, gets angry when our son cries (I witnessed him hold him at an arms length in front of him and very, very gently shake him and said loudly 'why the hell are you crying?! He'd only been crying 5 minutes). He shuts me down when I try to raise an issue, he's pointed out the weight I've put on, makes me feel like I'm on eggshells, he's miserable, gets road rage and starts calling people cunts and bitches etc swearing and punching his steering wheel.

He's just not a nice person and I feel I'm justified in wanting to protect my son from that.

Bugsymalonemumof2 Fri 01-Mar-19 08:17:58

@collaborate if there are safeguarding concerns (as there is) and she doesn't insist on court of ensure appropriate arrangements are made and something goes wrong then she will be just as accountable for failing to safeguard.

Courts are understrain but genuine safeguarding issues need to be taken through court. It is what social services would recommend too.

MrsBertBibby Fri 01-Mar-19 08:19:01

His daughter? Is she from a previous relationship? What contact does he have with her?

diabeticsanon Fri 01-Mar-19 08:21:52

good for you getting away from this arsehole, i would push for a contact centre and give him the benefit of the doubt this course might help him. if he refuses or doesn't turn up you have tried so then he needs to take you to court, which he will probably threaten, but given the situation courts will possibly say contact centre.

Sarahjconnor Fri 01-Mar-19 08:22:14

Do not let a man who has held a child and shaken him to ever have access. Note every incident with dates and make him go through courts. Put yours and your babies safety first.

Collaborate Fri 01-Mar-19 08:22:54

@Bugsymalonemumof2 You're wrong. There are things she can do to make sure contact is safe. Supervision (not by her, but perhaps in her presence or with her close to hand) is one of those things. If something goes wrong with properly supervised contact (highly unlikely - that's just scare-mongering) OP is not guilty of failure to safeguard.

It's not something social services would automatically recommend.

OP needs to be kept in the loop over the anger management - needs to see some evidence of satisfactory completion of the course for starters.

OP - you do really need some legal advice over this. The advice you're getting from here is lacking.

Soubriquet Fri 01-Mar-19 08:24:11

He gently shook your son?!

How long will it before he does harder, and harder until disaster strikes?

I wouldn’t risk him being with your ds alone. Let him take you to court for access

Bugsymalonemumof2 Fri 01-Mar-19 08:29:04

@collaborate

For a start anger management is completely the wrong thing for him to be on, its not recommended for domestically abusive people as it makes things worse. He needs to do an accredited course.

He needs to be in a properly supervsied contact centre, the ones you can only access through court referrals. He needs properly appropriate courses that he needs to access through court.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with using court when there are genuine safeguarding problems. No one should be ashamed of that.

And if she were to contact social services the advice she will be given is to wait for him to take you to court because gently shaking a baby is bloody terrifying and needs to be dealt with PROPERLY. Your advice is dangerous.

BlimeyCalmDown Fri 01-Mar-19 08:34:12

I would certainly wait for him to take you to court so it is all done properly and safeguarding concerns are addressed. You're right to ensure contact is supervised for now, if not by someone you trust.

RandomMess Fri 01-Mar-19 08:40:49

Please report him for shaking your baby sadsadsadsad

TeddyIsaHe Fri 01-Mar-19 08:45:36

For the love of god do not EVER let this man have unsoupervised contact with your son. At best he’ll return him ok, at worst he’ll kill him in a rage.

Report him to SS for shaking your baby. I have absolutely no idea why you haven’t done this? I find it baffling that people will stand by and watch someone potentially injure/kill their child and do nothing. Protect your baby for goodness sake.

Thamantha Fri 01-Mar-19 09:18:55

OP you state he has never been violent but then go on to list both physical and verbal aggression... I would write down what you can recall and roughly when it happened. I would call the local council child safeguarding team and ask their advice after sharing the list with them.

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