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To want a friend with benefits within a marriage ?

(228 Posts)
Dadboddancer Thu 28-Feb-19 21:29:43

Totally ready to get flamed here but surely someone feels same as me.

I'm 35. Married man. Got two beautiful children.

Sadly my wife has given up on sex. We have had sex once in 4 years. No other sexual contact.

I realise with young kids sex is going to be less frequent. I also realise there are more pressures on my wife to deliver childcare and run house as I work full time.

I've rearranged my work life to get a day a week with kids and to help with housework and childcare. I've taken sex mentally off the table and focussed on being a caring husband so she feels loved.

Sadly there is just nothing .

I know I'm not perfect. Neither am I s gorgeous lethario. I do however genuinely love my wife. This is tearing me apart.

She tells me things will get better- but how long is reasonable to wait. 3 years ? 5 years ? A lost lifetime.?

To me my options are :
1) accept it and carry on loving my beautiful wife non sexually
2) Tell her I'm leaving and break 2 children's hearts and futures (I think or hopr we are good parents)
3) find a friend with benefits and keep marriage as is

No option is perfect . Has anyone else done this? Does anyone else want this ?

Flame away- but remember id accept a life without sex for my children's benefit. I'm just not sure that's right

JazzyBBG Thu 28-Feb-19 21:31:00

Have you asked her why?

NotANotMan Thu 28-Feb-19 21:32:03

I'm very drawn to the idea of poly/open relationships myself so I think on principle an open marriage could be great. BUT not if one person doesn't want it or is only going along with it to keep the other. It's probably a recipe for the end of the marriage in that case.
In my opinion life is too short to do without sex.

gigi556 Thu 28-Feb-19 21:32:16

Have you tried counseling? What was your sex life pre kids?

JayneyMc4 Thu 28-Feb-19 21:32:59

4 years is a while, has she given a reason?

formerbabe Thu 28-Feb-19 21:33:02

I think option 2.

Dadboddancer Thu 28-Feb-19 21:34:14


She said her libido died after children and breast feeding and it will get better.

It's why I've waited years - she fed and produced my kids so needs a break.

The question is how long to accept it's just that .

YoungChrone Thu 28-Feb-19 21:34:57

FWB would only work if your wife was on board and I’m guessing she wouldn’t be. So I think you’re a bit of an arsehole to say you love her in one sentence and then suggest that in another.

You both need to work together and compromise in order to make your marriage work. I don’t think any man or woman would be happy in a marriage that is sexless if they were someone that likes sex. It can be a deal breaker and you need to be honest about that to give her a chance to address it. If she is happy sex free then perhaps you are no longer compatible.

JazzyBBG Thu 28-Feb-19 21:36:43

If you love her you'll wait and sort it together. And I'm sure you think you're making a grand gesture helping one day a week but I'll bet she's sinking the other 90% of the time and doing loads of shit you don't even notice.

ShesABelter Thu 28-Feb-19 21:36:55

I wouldn't stay in a marriage where we only had sex once every four years. I wouldn't of wanted one of my parents to of stayed in a marriage like that for my benefit and I wouldn't want my kid to stay in a marriage like that as an adult.

It's not a marriage you are basically coparents and housemates.

JayneyMc4 Thu 28-Feb-19 21:38:12

Have you made any attempt to bring romance back into your relationship, make her feel wanted and not just a mum to produce and feed.

gamerchick Thu 28-Feb-19 21:38:22

It's something only she can answer OP. If she says no then you're perfectly entitled to consider your relationships future.

I wouldn't stay in a marriage on those terms but I would exhaust all lines of communication first. Honestly and openly. Maybe take it back to basics, just date and get to know each other again with house and kids stuff left at home. Other than that I can't think of anything else.

BartholinsSister Thu 28-Feb-19 21:38:49

Option 3.
She clearly doesn't fancy you, but you can't leave without jeopardizing your involvement with your children, as you will certainly be seen as the bad guy.
I suspect you don't want duty sex from her either.

iolaus Thu 28-Feb-19 21:38:58

You need to talk - I think it would put an immense strain on my marriage if the physical side went

You say her libido went (in her words) after birth and breastfeeding - is she still breastfeeding? If not then why will things suddenly get better?

YoLoHogwomanay Thu 28-Feb-19 21:39:05

Don't you wank?

Forget sex with her for now. It has to be mutually wanted. Focus on affection and intimacy instead. PIV isn't everything.

And if you want a FWB, be prepared for the end of your marriage to follow shortly after.

And perhaps ask her about HER needs. Your OP is all about YOU and YOUR needs. You sound quite selfish tbh.

MajesticWhine Thu 28-Feb-19 21:39:21

Why is couples therapy not one of the options?

InDubiousBattle Thu 28-Feb-19 21:41:14

How old are your dc?

ShesABelter Thu 28-Feb-19 21:41:32

@Yolo doesn't he wank?? Sex isn't just about the release it's about the connection it gives you and the affection and knowing your partner wants you. You don't get that from a wank. Would you of said that to a woman who said she wasn't happy with her sex life. I doubt it.

Dadboddancer Thu 28-Feb-19 21:43:09

Hi - I accept she does more around the house. I work full time and she works part time.

I do all overnight get ups now not feeding (She did it when little so only fair and I love the overnight cuddle). She also gets some child free time every week - only half a day but still some.

We have a cleaner to help with a few bits.

Romance is harder with kids. I get that. It has to be more planned. We do date nights and wine nights.

As I said I took sex off cards to make me focus on relationship with her as I realised as a man my second brain might have been running the show. Made no difference

NoAngel1 Thu 28-Feb-19 21:43:38

Honest conversation about her feelings. Does she want things to change or is she happy with them as they are? If she wants change then maybe she needs a trip to the GP to chat about it.

OrigamiZoo Thu 28-Feb-19 21:45:48

I don't think you are an arsehole, I totally get where you are coming from and the desperation of the suggestion (same position myself) but I'm guessing itwould break your wife's heart if she found out and you might fall for your FWB, she might fall for you, she might get pregnant....

NotTired Thu 28-Feb-19 21:46:17

In the long run I would imagine having a bit on the side would mess up your children more than divorcing amicably.

W0rriedMum Thu 28-Feb-19 21:47:26

You're getting the predictable Mumsnet hard time here..
If your kids are under 4, wait it out and focus on date nights, fun, friendship etc.
If your kids are 5+, it's time for radical action. I wouldn't stay in a marriage indefinitely and you both stand to lose a lot. Counseling might help?

Dadboddancer Thu 28-Feb-19 21:47:31

As to her needs we do talk. She hasn't breast fed for 1 and half years

Children 2 and 4 and sleeping quite a but better but not perfect.

She also feels 'child overkill and doesn't want to be touched.

My response is it's about reasonable compromise . I work full time and have kids 1 and half days. That's not too bad

TemporaryPermanent Thu 28-Feb-19 21:47:33

Well, as Dan Savage says, do what you gotta do to stay sane and married.

4 years??

It is possible that she has been able to fool herself that you are ok with this because you have been thoughtful and loving. That definitely wasn't the wrong choice. I think you both deserve to have the conversation again - that sex and sexuality don't just happen, she needs to take action and this (not she) is a risk to your marriage. Doing nothing is not an option, basically - counselling, medical check up, honesty with each other.

And if all else fails and it seems she prefers the status quo - Yes after four fucking years I think a quiet affair is more than reasonable. Tin hat time.

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