Drinking at 13

[Springwalk]

My dd (13) went to a birthday party on Saturday night, the party involved drinking vodka and smoking. The mother provided alcohol (homemade cider apparently) and what was supposed to be a girly sleepover morphed into a mixed sleepover.

I am now feeling incredibly anxious about the next party in a few weeks time, it looks like the same children are invited. I have spoken to the mother about drinking etc, and she said she may give the dc something watered down, but can't really guarantee the dc won't bring their own vodka etc with them. Although I understand she can't check every bag or supervise every waking moment, I don't feel very confident that the same won't happen again. I think it is very likely to be the same or worse.

DD now doesn't want to go to any more parties full stop, she said she feels really stressed and under pressure to drink and smoke, but all of her friends have been invited, she will be the only one that won't be there.

I had no idea that this would start so soon. I am really surprised and shocked. I thought it would be a year or two before we had to worry about this.

I am worried she will be isolated if she doesn't go, and but I am much more worried about the parties and under age drinking, and all the rest.

I wasn't exactly Theresa May when I was growing up, but 13 feels very early to be doing this.

MN I need some words of wisdom.

[southnownorth]

My 13 year old would not be attending anymore parties there and I would question if I wanted my dd to hang round with these people anymore. 13 year olds drinking and smoking is neglect in my opinion.

I know teens drink, mine does, but her circle of friends didn't really do it until about Y11.

[Sexnotgender]

My 13 year old would not be going.

Actually my daughter is 15 and even she wouldn’t be going. If they’ll be ostracised from the group I’d be ok with that because I wouldn’t want her hanging around with 13 year olds who drink and smoke.

[Birdsgottafly]

Thank fuck you wasn't Theresa May, look were that's got her.

I'd be asking amd checking if other Parents know the sleepovers are mixed.

There's so much danger with drinking that young, in mixed company.

My DD opted out and some of the situations the girls were put in, were horrifying.

She isn't missing out on anything and even if they drift off because your DD isn't drinking/smoking, they're no loss.

[ShartGoblin]

DD now doesn't want to go to any more parties full stop, she said she feels really stressed and under pressure to drink and smoke, but all of her friends have been invited, she will be the only one that won't be there.

Sounds like your DD wants you to step in here and be the bad guy so she doesn't have to be. She can then say to her friends "Oh I'm gutted I'm not allowed to go, what a terrible mother I have".

[whasoaw1]

I wish my mother had stopped me behaving like this when I was 14. Please don't let your daughter anywhere near! That mother is a disgrace to be feeding kids booze. Wtf is she doing? Your dd sounds like a good girl

[Bigonesmallone3]

She wouldn't be going to any parties again!
The mother sounds irresponsible and I wouldn't have my dd under her roof!

I would be more concerned about underage sex, underage drinking and god forbid someone chocking on sick while there unconscious than worrying about her social status at school!

[x2boys]

Oh gosh I was going to pubs and drinking at 14\15 now my son is 12 though it horrifies me ,if she doesn't want p go to parties she doesn't have too

[WBWIFE]

If she's feeling uneasy then tell her not to go.. or maybe she can go but don't stay over maybe? So she can firmly tell them no, I don't want to drink alcohol/smoke as I'm going home.

I myself, did drink at 13/14 and it was quite the norm back then(10 years ago!) Where I lived - not that I think it's right or agree with it, and now I have a daughter myself I would not be happy about her drinking either that young.

[Springwalk]

Thank you for your replies. The situation has made me question myself, as everyone else seems so chilled about it. I have spoken to some of the other parents that are my friends, and it is generally abit of shoulder shrugging and oh well teens will be teens mentality. Most of the parents found out about the sleepover being mixed afterwards, but were okay with it

I didn't have myself marked down as a prude particularly before now, but I am really worried how this is going to pan out.

DD's only friends are in this circle, she will need to find some new friends if she is to avoid all of this, and I am not sure how easy that will be. They were all very sweet girls up to this year, and still are, but it is all taken a bit of a turn during the last six months.

Nightmare.

[Springwalk]

shart I don't mind being bad mother in front of her friends and saying no, and yes I think she is trying to save face, poor thing is in a terrible position.
I am also aware that I am causing a few raised eyebrows among the parents too, they made me feel like I was being overprotective when I spoke about it. It was quite uncomfortable.

[VioletCharlotte]

I'm pretty laid back, but 13 is way too young for mixed sleepovers and alcohol. My DS were 15 (end year 10) when they started going to parties where there was alcohol, I know many people would say that's too young.

[Springwalk]

whasoaw1 Your message has given me confidence, thank you. I don't envisage this for my dd. I had hoped she would focus on her school work and see her friends. Not drinking and smoking every weekend.

[Springwalk]

I didn't envisage

[StealthPolarBear]

I'm amazed that all the other parents are laid back. I have an almost 12 year old and this cannot onyl be a year away!

[doIreallyneedto]

Your dd sounds very sensible.

I can understand your concern about the impact on her social life but protecting her from the dangers associated with underage drinking and smoking is way more important. The other parents sound totally irresponsible and I wouldn't want my dd anywhere near them.

My dd18 has a friend whose parents were like that. Really "cool" and provided alcohol from a young age. She only met her at around 15/16 so not as young as yours. We didn't allow dd to parties at her house full-stop, at age 15/16, never mind age 13.

Obviously dd is 18 now so makes her own decisions (within reason, as she still lives at home so there are house rules that apply to everyone). We followed the best practice advice and didn't tolerate drinking underage. She tends to make sensible decisions and, while she does drink, she doesn't drink to excess.

[MirandaWest]

My DD is 13 and I am very sure there is no alcohol and smoking at parties she goes to.

DS is 15 and will sometimes have a an alcoholic drink with us at home but I wouldn’t offer it to his friends if they were here. I’m sure it will come up at some point but hasn’t yet.

[Springwalk]

stealth I am sorry to say two of them would have started at twelve as they were only thirteen in the summer holidays, and my dd reliably informs me that this has been going on for months and months!

These are the same parents that are buying organic food for the dc, and looking after them otherwise very well.

I am at a loss, and posted on here because I wondered whether I am out of touch.

[FriarTuck]

13?!!!! I had a friend like this at school - having turned up to school drunk a few times, she ended up unemployed at 16 and her younger sister (who at the time was c13) ended up pregnant to a 19 yo boyfriend. The mother was very laid back and thought it was fine. It wouldn't surprise me if my friend (and her sister) ended up permanently unemployed because there was no encouragement or expectation that they'd get jobs. Put your foot down for your DD's sake. You may find that actually some of her friends feel the same way.

[FriarTuck]

I wondered whether I am out of touch
Nope, you're just following that old-fashioned tradition called 'parenting'. It's a good thing, even if it is declining. Keep it up!

[StealthPolarBear]

No you're not.

[Springwalk]

doIreallyneedto They are 'cool' parents definitely, and there are lots of them, so all do tons of partying themselves.
I didn't imagine that even they would think this was okay for their dc though. I have known most of them since primary reception, and feel I don't know them at all now, despite the shared years and memories, and all of us raising our dc together.

I have turned into Frump overnight it feels

[GreenThing]

That's insane.

My patenting sometimes seems lax by MN standards, I'm fine with 10 year olds home alone, we don't restrict treat foods, screen time is up to them.

But 'parties' of that sort wouldn't even enter the heads of my younger teens.

They simply don't know the sort of people who would condone that.

Jesus, who are your/their friends?

[Springwalk]

I wouldn't call the parents 'friends' they are people both dd and I have got to know over the years.
I see them a few times maybe in the school year for the odd 40th etc. I don't know them very well, but I thought well enough given the number of years to think they would not be doing this! One or two of them would consider me a good friend though, as we have been there for them during difficult times.
I am really shocked about this, and can't get past it.

Now the dc are older we don't see so much of the parents, although I do every now and then, we are not doing pick ups at school like we used to or coffees etc as much.

[ShartGoblin]

I have spoken to some of the other parents that are my friends, and it is generally abit of shoulder shrugging and oh well teens will be teens mentality

To some extent they are right - teens will be teens. Parent's enabling this though is the issue here and they are being totally irresponsible.

I was given alcohol by adults at that age - that consisted of the occasional small glass of wine with dinner and a lecture on how binge drinking is caused by denying alcohol to kids and letting them get shitfaced the second they turn 18 and I'm allowed to drink before then only if I am responsible with it.

Smoking - I am a smoker and I do wish that someone would have stepped in and stopped me at the young age before addiction set in. I kept it secret from my parents so they couldn't stop me but had they witnessed it then they absolutely would have decided it was their responsibility to stop it.

A mixed sleepover - no way. Yes their children may all be responsible and not be interested in sex yet but what about everything else involved? What if an innocent young boy gets excited over what he sees and has no privacy to hide it? What if a young girl gets her period in the night? Even without the intention to have sex there are too many awkward scenarios.

I'm really not sure what you can do about her being isolated from her friends. It's hard at that age because yo don't yet know that a best friend might mean the world to you today but next year? Well things change, people grow apart. I'm 27 and I've only just accepted that the past is in the past, stop trying to reach out to people that are no longer friends.

Ultimately yes she will probably lose them as friends but there are better ones round the corner that share interests. Can she join a club or a class for something she really loves? Meet people that share her interests?

[Sexnotgender]

I bet they’re all secretly hoping someone else will be the ‘bad’ parent and sort this shit out so they can continue being the cool ones.