Playground party invites(246 Posts)
Firstly I do accept maybe I'm being oversensitive about this and I have no intention of bothering the school with such minutaie (I don't rate ds1 teacher very highly but I do believe teachers work extremely hard and it's insane to ask them to police the playground politics)
Three times in the last three weeks , discounting half term , I've seen this but today was the most overt
Standing today waiting for the class door to open a mum handed her dd a pack of obvious party invites , she loudly said " go and give them to the lucky ones "
The little girl then went and gave her invites out to a few children then went to one little girl and went to hand an envelope then laughed and said "oh I forgot not you " ...the poor child she had played this trick on was crestfallen , The mother smiled and said " oh sorry not everyone can be chosen and lucky enough"
The little girl approached ds1 and I could see what was coming (please see explanation below and I have never seen her interact with ds1 so they are not friends ) I glared at the mother with an absolute death glare (after years of prison work in my early career my death glare is second to none ) and kept her eyes ...she wisely stepped in and told the little girl another invitee had arrived. I was so angry , Ds1 bless him is oblivious to things a lot and I doubt had seen the interaction or understood it really (He prefers to live in dinosaur land sometimes )
So I am not accused of drip feeding ds1 has extra needs and I fully recognise (not that I would ever ever indicate to him) he isn't the most popular boy in the class, he has struggled making friends and I know the other children find him odd and a bit unusual
He is lovely kind and funny and imaginative but I get the dynamics and I'm teaching him that he's wonderful as he is and doesn't have to be included in everything , it's not an entitlement and to believe in how wonderful he is and play with the friends he wants to play with.
I don't believe people should have to invite everyone in the class at all , I really believe child's choice but whilst this was particularly overt I have seen similar
Aibu in being annoyed that this dynamic is being encourage by some parents ? I guess I feel if ds1 was only inviting a few to the party I would ask him to be considerate on how he gave the invites out and I absolutely would not allow him to play such a trick on another child
It's hard to translate tone but the mother really had an exceptionally nasty tone and thoroughly enjoyed her dd being the purveyor of the special invites publicly excluding certain children.
Of course really what would I do about it ? Nothing is what , I'm not going to make a scene , it's not the little girls fault she's encouraged to behave like that , and it's not the schools problem ,so I will continue teaching ds1 that he is wonderful and lovely and doesn't need others approval but it did make me angry
I'm usually the furthest thing from PFB honestly but perhaps I am being silly being annoyed about this
It's not the biggest issue in the world , hell it's not even the biggest issue for me this hour but it does niggle a bit.
I'm genuinely curious as to perspectives , it's not about the lack of invite but more about the encouraging children to be so exclusive publicly and not just being a tiny bit considerate ?
Am I understanding this correctly that it is the same mother and child each time? I actually would mention it to the school because it is bullying by both of them and unacceptable.
I really was a bit concerned I was being precious
Today was really overt and nasty but honestly this isn't the first time and different parents
The other two were less nasty but still the children went round and it was a bit picking the popular ones and turning the backs on the less popular children
It is quite a cliquey school but I am amazed at parents encouraging this
No sorry it was different parents (same clique though they all hang out at the school entrances together at drop off and are friends )
The others weren't as bad but very similar dynamics
There is a couple of 'those parents' at dc school.
I've seen their previous darlings give out invites and the looks on some of the dc faces when they don't get one is really sad.
I think they should be given with discretion if not whole class invite.
The Mother’s a complete dick!
Obviously you can’t always do a class party but it’s about being discreet when handing out the invites and being considerate of other children’s feelings. What a disgusting way to behave and to encourage your child.
I do love mumsnet when the first reply nails it.
Wow. In our school (in the younger year groups) we gives the invites to the class teacher and she pops them in the reading bags. No grandstanding necessary...
At our DCs school the invitations are usually put in the DCs' trays by a teacher or the birthday child. This can lead to some of the children not actually getting them as happened with my DS, but we mopped it up in the end by texting via other families.
While a really nasty child might do as this DM did I'd hope the teacher would put her foot down.
Maybe have a word with the teacher about doing it that way in the future?
'I do love mumsnet when the first reply nails it.'
What an awful lesson they’re teaching their children! Of course not every child can go to every party, but a bit of empathy, discretion and tact is what should be taught.
That’s terrible and I can picture it perfectly. Mums a dick and if she carries on like that her daughters going to be the playground bully.
I only let mine hand out invites in the playground if every single child in the class is invited. If not, teacher pops in bag!
Thanks all I do feel a bit better that I'm not being over sensitive
I don't really think the teacher can do much, she's under pressure herself having just had a TA taken away so I am hesitant to bring it up because I don't honestly see how much she can do
It's obviously a clique of unpleasant parents and I guess ds1 will have to deal with this at some point that some people are unpleasant, all I can do is support him to do it and make sure he knows what a great kid he is.
I'm a scorched earth parent if I need to be but I don't really think this would do any good for anyone really
The mother smiled and said " oh sorry not everyone can be chosen and lucky enough"
What an absolutely horrible woman. I’d have had to have said something
That's truly horrible. It's fine to not invite everyone it's not fine to do all that 'lucky obes' "nonsense. I too would be livid.
Bide your time. It wont be long before people get the measure of this awful person.
What absolutely horrible behaviour
The teacher may not be able to police it
The Head Teacher, however may be able to say invitations may not be given out on school premises, and that to do so will be considered bullying.
YANBU. What an absolute bellend that woman must be.
OP you're right, that's awful and very spiteful/sadistic behaviour from the mother. I expect the child doesn't fully grasp why it's a mean trick but the mother sounds like she got enjoyment from it.
I would have reprimanded the girl for the spiteful trick on the other girl, loudly and in front of her mother, then told the mother off if she challenged me. I can't stand bullies. That little girl will grow up thinking it's funny to be unkind and mean ☹️
Urgh, that actually hurt my heart a little. Who does shit like that?
"Not everyone can be chosen and lucky enough"
I think the non invitees have dodged a bullet there!
It's a kids party, not the second coming!
That said-what an insensitive twit that mother is.
Could she not have discreetly handed to the adults collecting?
I've experienced similar.
I think it's a balance - I would never hand out party invitations in front of children who were not invited - I think it's very bad manners.
However - if it happens (and it does happen) it's a good lesson in resilience for your kids.
Remember as they get older they will know - from talking to each other - when they are not invited to a party. I found that actually they were never bothered even if I was - so don't transmit your worries.
The woman was an arse however.
I’m afraid I would have called her out on this one, made a fuss of the other girl and made it clear that wasn’t acceptable. People only do this because they get away with it. They rely on people not “causing a scene” At the very least, I’d have made a sarcastic comment loudly to my child about how lucky they were not to have an invite.
It is difficult when kids hand out invites and some are left out, it’s an inevitable thing we have to teach our kids to deal with, but this woman is making it far worse than it needs to be.
Not unfair at all, my daughter recently had her birthday and invited a few friends from school, before we went in I explained that we would hand them out discretely so other kids didn't feel like they were missing out and that's exactly what she did, popped them in the lockers and quietly told her friends they were there.
That mother is a nasty cow and I actually think it would be ok to talk to the school about it in this instance, not only did she hand them out in front of everyone but she acted like a bully to other kids.
It's cruel and horrible. I bet if the parents of the 'horrid child' seen this happening the their child, they'd have something to say.
I've had this happen to my child, it it was the teacher who handed out the invites! We couldn't quite believe it. The mother had handed the invites to the teacher to hand out discreetly, but instead, handed them out in the line up before going into school.
My husband was about to go and complain as it wasn't very nice to see the disappointment on the children's faces who didn't get invited, but decided to see if it happened again. Luckily, the teacher doesn't do this now, so I'm wondering if another parent has had a word.
We all know that not every child can be invited to every party, but to do what the child did in the op, then that's just awful. And for the parent to allow her child to do this is even worse.
I think you have to mention it to the teacher, but agree not sure what they can do. I too think ideally I would have gone to the little girl and said loudly are you ok, that wasn’t kind was it? We get sad sometimes when people are unkind.
And death stare the mum all the way. Possibly muttering as I went past nobody is lucky for your child to be their friend as long as your poor child has such stinkers for parents.
And I would absolutely make the teacher aware that the children are in effect bullying others with the encouragement and help of their mothers.
That’s really mean.
I know people can’t always do whole class parties, but I do think they should try and be discreet about it if they’re not inviting everyone.
And for a parent to encourage their child to be deliberately mean like that to children not invited is just awful.
That is just so nasty and insensitive. I've seen it happen and dealt with the aftermath when it was done to my DS. if we ever had a party to which only a small number were invited, I organised it via texts to the mums - would never have done it in the playground.
Steer clear of said mother, and be aware every single other parent will thinking the same thing as you (and us)
Report it to the school. My school had a policy that party invites couldn’t be handed out on school premises for exactly this reason.
Def no acceptable. Write to the school Headmaster. These things usually gets worse so do not ignore the signs.
I can't believe the mother! If my child did that to another child their party would be cancelled.
Never mind what the child did. It’s the mother that needs reporting to the school for behaving like that toward another child.
I agree with the other poster - my heart hurt a little reading that. I would have completely lost my shite and dignity in your place and marched her up to the teacher/office then and there. What sort of an asswipe do you need to be to be an adult who says that to a small child?! Cunt.
Well done you for keeping your composure.
How sad is this that the other mother is bringing their child up like this....the lucky ones?? Good grief I am embarrassed for her....You are not being unreasonable OP in your thinking.
YANBU - the mother is vile and is clearly teaching her daughter to be just the same way. How awful.
For us, party invites are usually done via parents' whatsapp messages now, bypassing the kids altogether!
I agree the HT could pass a message via regular newsletter about showing sensitivity regarding party invites.
I think I would have said ‘wow that was mean’, or similar. How nasty.
I would mention it to the teacher as it’s a horrible way to behave. In my DC’s school we give the invitations to the teacher and they put them in book bags, or we give them straight to the parents.
Perhaps I should have said something ...I do recognise I implicitly allowed it to continue
My thought process is that I didn't want to shame the little girl she's clearly doing what she has been taught
If I'm honest I just wasn't quick enough off be Mark by the time I had glared and the child had moved away to the new invitee the teacher opened the door
Hmmm yes I need to be quicker and if I see it again I'll call the parent out I don't like the thought that I tacitly allowed it ....
That mother is an absolute horror. I feel sorry for the daughter.
Ugh, the mother sounds vile and the daughter sounds like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree. If I had a child who deliberately taunted another child for being excluded from their party, that would be the end of the birthday party as punishment. Such cruel behaviour needs to be firmly and decisively stopped.
DD1 goes to infant school in September. I swear if there are mums like this at her school I am going to call them out on their shit every single time. I may not be popular. But, seriously, who encorages their children to behave like this? You can be kind and considerate in life or you can be spiteful and mean, and they've chosen to teach their children to be the latter. Horrid pieces of work.
That mother is just nasty and it sounds like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.
Well done you for heading her off with your death stare! Do you give lessons?
there realloy is just one word for that sort o9f behaviour Nasty.
I get what your saying about teacher, wonder though if its worth approaching school to ask have they considered a simple school policy of not handing out party invites in the school grounds, classroom etc if not all kids in a class are invited. That's the policy my eldest school had, yes sometimes parents had to handg round on corners to hand out invites but it was so less obvious, my youngest school its simply no invites at all, no matter even if everyone invited ( as not all parents can throw parties at all) - we have a class list with names addresses emails for all parents and that's where invites are sent nowadays . I cant see what harm it would be to raise it at school as a suggested policy to avoid this bullying behaviour.
she is setting her DD up to be a nasty little bully, much like herself. Only one day her DD will come up against someone like you, OP, only that person, adult or child, might not limit themselves to a death glare. Bloody well done for doing that, btw.
Absolutely I agree I wouldn't say anything to ds1 , we work very much on resilience with him because in reality he is going to have to be robust with these things.
I am going to have a plan in my head to handle it if I see it again , honestly I think we all were probably thinking the same and everyone waited for someone else to say
I'm usually very upfront and direct but there is something about being surrounded by all your DC that o think causes us to pull our punches so to speak but that's not ok
I will say something definately next time , I'm not shy or hesitant or nervous so no reason not to
The school isn't great in a lot of things and have a history of encouraging parent cliques so I really don't believe they will pay any heed whatsoever but if it continues then i will raise it
Vile mother. YDNBU, op and your little boy sounds lovely.
Fuck her and her little precious daughter's party. When you act like a vile human being, you can expect the party to be the same.
I remember this from primary school. A couple of mums did a joint party for their dds after school. The kids queued up to be picked up from school and the mums had the lovely idea of putting party hats on the lucky ones in front of the other waiting children.
Another time a mum handed out invitations on the playground with non invitees standing among the lucky ones with invitations in their hands.
We always did parties but managed to never be so shitty about it.
It's a kids party, not the second coming!
What a horrible, horrible woman. My DS1 has complex special needs and he was always the one not invited to parties
or play dates or anything else, but for that mother to behave like that in the playground is beyond nasty. And she's basically teaching her daughter that it's acceptable to be a bitch. Wow.
People saying you would have said something, what would you have said?
that's awful and very spiteful/sadistic behaviour from the mother. I expect the child doesn't fully grasp why it's a mean trick but the mother sounds like she got enjoyment from it
God I agree with this 100%. How can people live with this level of spite in their souls and still sleep at night?!
I’ve seen and heard of invitations being used in a similar way - it’s indicative of how the parents behave and often their children as they don’t know any other way. It’s been part of another form of bullying. I’ve mentioned it to the DH as it has been part of a series of bullying instances. Other parents will be or become aware of it and take their measure.
Don’t beat yourself up about it - it’s quite shocking to see adults behave in that way - not expected so you don’t realise in time plus it may have made it worse for the little girl. What year is this?
i am rather proud of my death glare but 20 years in health and social care including prisons, Detoxes and Rehabs means you get good at stopping people in their tracks without a word that skill is not popular when I use it on DP though
I rather thought the same about it not being the second coming ...unless that mother has a sodding unicorn at the party I am going to guess it won't be as exciting as she thinks
Of course if she does have a unicorn ......it would still make her a giant dick
Pinkfluffybunny a teacher doing it ? Oh hell no...that I may well have gone nuclear , somehow I find it worse a professional who should know better doing it
You are not being precious or U. The mother is a nasty cow.
I completely understand that the school have a million and one things to deal with, however I don’t see the harm in a carefully worded email to the headteacher about this, perhaps the school newsletter could contain a short paragraph about discretion and care from parents with regard to handing out invites.
In all honesty I wouldn’t have said anything to the mother unless her little ‘darling’ had tried the no invite trick on my child. She would have got it both barrels then! She would have got my beady evil eye however
What a fine example she is setting to her child.
This is really cruel. Both of my sons have been lucky enough (so far) to be able to invite their whole class to parties, however they both want smaller parties this year. I would just give the invitations subtly to the parents instead of letting my child hand out to a select few, just because I wouldn't want to upset any of the other children.
That's disgusting. No wonder some children grow up so horrible if that's the example they're set. What kind of mentality must that mother have to deliberately do that to a child?
Really cruel. That girl is going to grow up to be a bully
My dd is having a small party in a few weeks. Only 6 people have been invited.
So my dd’s teacher discreetly slipped them into each child’s drawer.
She is probably the kind who would paint some poor horse pink and attach a horn to its head.
I dont think all class parties are necessary but that women is beyond vile.
YANBU that's disgusting that a mother would encourage her child to be deliberately cruel like that. Well done on your amazing death glare, I clearly need to practice mine.
If you can't invite the whole class invites need to be done as discretely as possible. I try to avoid actual invites and send messages directly to parents. I did make the mistake once of trying to discretely hand out thank you cards on the playground and some kids saw and came rushing over thinking they were invites, I felt so bad, and I won't do it again.
That is nasty and unforgivable. What a shitty way to behave. If you feel able I would definitely work on something to say if you see this woman in action again. I’m all for not kicking up a fuss but some things like racist behaviour or bullying need challenging. Glad you employed death stare. What you describe is straight out out of a film like Mean Girls 😡
Hollowvictory I said what I should like to have said in this scenario. I also note I would avoid swearing as a terrible playground example.
@Hollowvictory - I'd have walked over to the Mum and said "you can't let your child hand out invites in the playground to only some of the children. Did you see how upset that little girl was when she thought she was getting an invite and didn't? I'm sure the teacher can put invites in bags or trays so the other children don't feel upset and left out. Hang on, there's the teacher, I'll go and ask her for you now."
But then I'm not known for my subtlety!
@Hamsternauts I am aghast at the party hats trick!! That is just spectacularly mean to the other kids.
Yes. One of the mums it didn't surprise me. The other one I would have expected better of her
When I was a very new teacher (3 weeks in the job!) I was handed a huge pile of invitations from a parent and asked if I wouldn’t mind giving them out. Not really thinking, I did. There were invites for every child in the class but two. Both boys cried-as you would expect-most of them were 4.
I was crestfallen-it just didn’t occur to me that a parent would leave two boys out like that and to put me in the situation was terrible. I have never given party invitations out again-I ask the parents to do it themselves at the gates.
People saying you would have said something, what would you have said?
I’d have said to the mum “does that make you feel good about yourself, making a little girl feel sad? How would you feel if someone did that to your daughter?”
You can’t let this arseholish behaviour go unchecked that’s why these bastards keep getting away with it.
We do it all by WhatsApp now so no one feels left out ! Kids keep quiet as they now we can't invite everyone ! They are year 3 now though! (Girls though so very cliquey group of about 8 but they just don't okay the same as the other girls in Thier class as mixed year 2/3)
On the extra needs front ... DS is 11 now and went to 2 parties at Primary school ....it's shit ...but for his birthday rather than parties we had fun family days out...so we've done theme parks, theatre trips, Harry potter World...those sorts of things which probably cost the price of the party ...but are great distraction rather than having no one attend his party !!!
For us, party invites are usually done via parents' whatsapp messages now, bypassing the kids altogether!
Same with us. DD1 has been invited to two parties in the next month and I've told her to keep quiet about them at school. Only about 10 kids have been invited to each one. I know for a fact that there are a bunch of other parties that have taken place to which she hasn't been invited. You can't have whole class parties for everyone but you also shouldn't rub people's noses in it.
Our school has sent a message out about being inclusive, or being bloody subtle. It got a few laughs but I think it was a very fair point well made.
My dd knows to be discreet handing out invites as is aware that some children may be disappointed/hurt. Isn't that a better way to encourage your child to be?
Different in Reception classes, I know, where parties inc whole class but once they get a bit older and you try to rein in the cost etc. You can never leave just one child out or it's too obvious/hurtful.
Ugh this is what I'm dreading when dd starts school in September. I just have no tolerance for this kind of crap.
I imagine that the mother wasn't one of the "popular" girls at school so she wants her dd to be. Well I was one of those girls at school and I had been arrested, smoking 20 a day and lost my virginity by the age of 15 so I'll be encouraging dd to not be "popular"
I mentioned it to DP as I needed to ring him for something else (plus i take a peverse enjoyment when i start a sentence with " the mumsnet view is ....." and he rolls his eyes and groans "what did i do this time ") and hes actually furious about it (and secretly glad the mumsnet jury agree with us)
He grew up with two brothers on the extreme end of the autism spectrum and hates stuff like this as he saw it a lot , Don't get me wrong I really don't think the exclusion was about ds1 extra needs at all but things like this tap in to the fact we know he won't always have it easy
Dp wants to take ds1 to school tommorrow and say something to the mother , it's a bit late to do that really but he has made me promise to say something if I see it again , plus DP can be excessively cutting if he perceives any injustice to children (God help someone if it's my DC) and would probably make the woman cry
We will stick with the plan of handling it in the moment next time and as someone said it'll catch up to her at some point I have no doubt
It's things like this that make me want to have no filter and just wish I could loose my shit sometimes.
I'd love to have pulled the mother to one side with a friendly smile on my face and out of the ear shot of children tell her that she's a nasty cunt and I hope the party is shit.
I obviously wouldn't in a million years and I realise I sound unhinged writing the above but it's just so incredibly cruel and such an awful thing to encourage your child to do.
Party would be cancelled if my dc ever behaved in that manner. And an apology would be made to the child she was horrible to.
Utterly awful behaviour.
@icebearrocks yes that's what we do with ds1 in terms of his party and having days out instead , we try and ask another child if he has managed to retain a friendship (he honestly honestly is such a lovely boy but struggles understanding how other people work and keeps trying over and over but it just hasn't stuck for him yet although I secretly harbour hopes for a child he has got friendly with in after school club that I am going to ask for tea but I am trying not to push or manage his friendships )
What a selfish uncaring woman. You were quite right Op. Sad about the little girl
I hate this shit. This happened when my boy was in reception. Mum stood loudly telling her son to give out his party invites. My ds didn’t get one - he was unaware and not bothered but the thing that pissed me off was the mum is a year 1 teacher at the same school!! I would have thought she would have been a bit more sensitive!
The Mum is a bitch. At our school you're not allowed to hand out invitations at school at all, because even if you're NOT being deliberately cruel about it, feelings get hurt.
That's just vile. You sound like a great mum, I have a "quirky" DS1, who doesn't receive a great many invitations, and overt invitation giving does upset him. Resilience is so important.
DD is more popular and gets more invitations but when she got one today, the mum sneaked it to me as it wasn't a whole class party. People need more self awareness!
I'd have to say something next time I saw her. What sort of a dick gets off on not inviting kids to her party....vile.
The mother smiled and said " oh sorry not everyone can be chosen and lucky enough"
And not everyone would like their children to mix with such awful people.
Christ, if my child had played that nasty trick on another child right in front of me, I'd be taking all the invitations back and telling her the party was cancelled.
Is this school in a part of the country where Whatsapp doesn't exist?
Who has time/can be arsed to loiter around classrooms handing out invites?
Wow. In our school (in the younger year groups) we gives the invites to the class teacher and she pops them in the reading bags. No grandstanding necessary
OP, can you suggest to the teacher or the school that they make that normal practice from now on, and tell parents the practice of handing out invitations in the playground is to stop?
What a bitch.
Small parties are fine, giving the invitations to some at drop-in and pick-up, also completely fine. It also makes sense to ensure the invitations do reach the guests, and not all teachers have time or accept to hand them themselves in class.
The comments were vile, how insecure can that idiot mother be.
I would be so tempted to invite a few friends on a great outing that day, and put photos all over social media, but that's not a terribly mature attitude. Still would do it though
@dameofdilemma if there is a whatsapp group I haven't been told about it
There's certainly not an official one ,I can't imagine there is a big one because as I say there have been three similar (not as bad though) incidents so I can only assume that isn't one otherwise that's a special kind of bitchiness to do it if there is an easy alternative , but we are south east and fairly suburban.
However granted I doubt we would be invited as unfortunately it was obvious from day one that ds1 had some needs as the school provided a different chair as ds1 has a small mobility issue with his core strength that makes it hard for him to sit upright for long periods ..i heard a couple of comments then so I am guessing we went fast off of the fun whatsapp bonding group list , that's not a problem.
Totally agree- that is a nasty and mum
Is obviously getting a kick out of it. So weird.
an you suggest to the teacher or the school that they make that normal practice from now on, and tell parents the practice of handing out invitations in the playground is to stop?
very unfair on the teacher.
It's fine when they have a couple of TAs who can deal with it swiftly, but less fine when they haven't got any and have a class of 30 to manage.
You can't make it a rule, it really depends on the class
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