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Is it mean to make DD (11yo) buy her own stuff?

(116 Posts)
InconsistentlyFestive Thu 28-Feb-19 07:31:51

Very quick post as I need to dash to work and likely won't see responses until hometime, sorry!

Just had a bit of an argument with DD.

We're not 'well off'. Have about £50 'leftover' each week for non-essentials which I save for things through the year such as presents or days out in the summer.

Dd has lost about 4 lunchboxes this year. This morning she got upset saying she cannot bear her current lunchbox another day and wants a new design (she LOVED this one three weeks ago). She assures me no one is picking on her about it but she just hates it herself as it's 'too orange'.

She also wants me to buy her new school skirts, cardigans and a school bag because she no longer likes the style of them (again - these are all items she selected and LOVED at the start of the summer).

AIBU to start telling her that I will only buy her what's needed for school at the start of each year/through the year if things necessarily need replaced? If she then loses things or changes her mind about liking them, she has to use her own savings (gift money etc.)?

She's also doing this with non-school stuff. She wants me to buy her new trainers because she doesn't like her black ones anymore (they're Nike ones so it's nothing to do with branding/trying to fit in with peers - purely their colour!). Again, AIBU to tell her I will buy her shoes when needed (a few times through the year when her feet grow) but if she changes her mind and wants ones of the same size but a different style, she needs to buy these herself? Likewise, with coats, clothes etc?

I understand she's at an age where she's trying to fit in and trying to find her 'identity' through clothes so will change her mind a lot, but I feel I need to set a precedent not before she starts her teen years/secondary and this expectation becomes worse!

InconsistentlyFestive Thu 28-Feb-19 07:34:30

Just to add - she does also get pocket money. This is variable each week depending on how many chores she does/behaviour. She averages about £5 a week but some weeks £0! Maybe having to buy her own stuff might motivate her to try to earn more around the home?

lastqueenofscotland Thu 28-Feb-19 07:36:46

I think if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it! Nike trainers are £££ replacing everything on a whim isn’t within the means of a lot of people.
You don’t need to make out to your DD that you’re on the bones of your arse but I think learning you can’t have everything you want at the drop of a hat and you need to save sometimes is an important lesson

OnoAnotherNC Thu 28-Feb-19 07:37:26

With the items you have described you would definitely not be unreasonable to get her to pay for anything extra herself. You have provided her what she wanted and if she wants others it's fine for her to use her own money. In fact it would be a good lesson for her.

BlackeyedGruesome Thu 28-Feb-19 07:38:22

yanbu.

Weenurse Thu 28-Feb-19 07:39:47

Once ours started high school they got an allowance of $50 a week.
Other parents were horrified but... it paid phone, lunches, outings, outfits, haircuts, makeup etc. They also had to do chores around the house to earn this money. Cook 1 night a week, clean, washing etc.
I paid for sports out of school hours, but that was it. Once they got part time jobs they were on their own.
DDs are now 21 and 22, both very good savers and budget very well.. DD 2 is on holiday with her BF in South Pacific at the moment. DD1 has booked Egypt in April.
It is never too early to teach them the value of money.

jinglewithbellson Thu 28-Feb-19 07:40:27

We kit ours out with uniform trainers etc that they choose. If they change their mind at any point and decide they want something different they have to wait until either they've grown out of it or the next school year.

My teen dd did this last year to us moaning she no longer liked her trousers and wanted skirts etc and was just told she'd have to wait.

When it came to uniform buying time we reminded them both to pick carefully what they wanted as it wouldn't be being replaced again.

Same with trainers and boots etc. If it's needed items then fair enough but if it's just because they decide to want something different they are told to either have it for birthday/Xmas gifts or wait.

Good age to start teaching them it doesn't grow in trees.

randomchap Thu 28-Feb-19 07:40:33

Give her a budget and allow her to make her own decisions over some things. You buy the basics to make sure she has everything she needs and optional purchases will be her decision to make. It will make her feel more grown up and hopefully will make her financially aware.

My DD8, has a toy budget, she's been promised a clothes budget when she hits 10.

Middlrm Thu 28-Feb-19 07:42:23

Yes let her buy the additional bits.... she can use birthday Christmas money pocket money will teach value of money.

You have already provided what is needed, I was brought up that way. I had monthly pocket money too ( offered by my dad so my choice as worked out an extra £1 a month ) taught me how to manage and make pennies last x your doing the right thing in my eyes x

Sewrainbow Thu 28-Feb-19 07:43:19

Yanbu

BarbarianMum Thu 28-Feb-19 07:43:44

Are you seriously thinking it might be reasonable to keep replacing stuff every time she changes her mind or loses it?

Sit down w her and talk about when you will buy new stuff (in our house that's when it's worn out or out grown for clothes/shoes, once a year for bags/lunch boxes and for birthdays or Christmas) and how much you are willing to spend. Then encourage her to save up to suppliment.

Seniorschoolmum Thu 28-Feb-19 07:44:03

Yanbu. If she loses something she pays for it herself.

If she grows up thinking she can have new every time she sees something she likes more, she’ll get into debt very quickly.

Purplepricklesalloverhisback Thu 28-Feb-19 07:45:17

Yes I would only buy what is needed! Even if I could afford to replace them it doesn’t help teach about a throwaway society where everything ends up in landfill just because people don’t like it anymore!

BarbarianMum Thu 28-Feb-19 07:47:09

Are you in the UK/Ireland or the States Weenurse?

Beamur Thu 28-Feb-19 07:48:00

Yanbu.
She liked these items before. It's a good lesson to teach her that it's wasteful to replace items like the trainers just because she's decided she doesn't like them.

BarbarianMum Thu 28-Feb-19 07:48:13

Actually I guess what Im asking is how old were your dds when they started high school.

sleepwhenidie Thu 28-Feb-19 07:49:16

You mention you don’t have much spare cash, but even if you did, YANBU. This is about learning the value of money. We don’t have a great deal of concern about available money but my DC’s don’t get stuff like your DD is asking for just because they fancy it. She has what she needs (more than), let her do chores and save to get extra things that she simply wants.

Notwotuknow Thu 28-Feb-19 07:51:16

Whether or not you can afford to, I don't think it's a good idea to keep buying/ replacing her things because she's got bored of them. She'll end up spoilt and will not learn much about budgeting.

To answer your question: YADNBU in telling her she'll have to replace these things out of her own money as they're a 'want' not a 'need', and the items she already has are perfectly fine.

PurpleCrazyHorse Thu 28-Feb-19 08:02:29

I was older than 11, probably 12+, but my mum gave me my school bag and school shoes money and I bought my own. The first time I made a poor choice but mum let me make it and I had to live with my choice. The second year I made better choices (more suitable winter shoes and a decent bag). I still bought fashion bags but having bought a decent backpack one year, I used that in the winters and a fancy fabric bag in the good weather. I knew not to bother moaning about the poor choices as I had made them!

I would stick to your guns. She could use her pocket money, birthday or Christmas money to replace, but her choice is her choice until they are outgrown. Watch she doesn't sabotage them though!

Although potentially embarrassing to be stuck with an item you no longer like/isn't in fashion, it is a lesson that has to be learned. As a parent we have to give our children the skills to function in the world, it's no good giving them everything they want, then they have no impulse control or budgeting skills and potentially go on to rack up a credit card to fulfil the need. Much better to slightly disappoint an 11 year old in order to equip them to be an adult.

mathanxiety Thu 28-Feb-19 08:04:08

YANBU.

But investigate whether there is bullying going on. Do you have access to her phone (if she has one)?

Mrsmadevans Thu 28-Feb-19 08:06:01

I don't know you or your DC but does she know how hard things are financially for you OP? If she does and is still expecting you to buy this stuff then YADNBU , if she has no inkling then she needs to know. My poor Mum had 3 jobs to kit out my Dsis for Grammar and for everything else she wanted , she was such an entitled spoilt child, never satisfied, who has grown into a horrible person.

EssentialHummus Thu 28-Feb-19 08:08:55

What everyone else said. And I'd sit down and give her an overview of the family budget, because she seems to be unaware of it.

Springwalk Thu 28-Feb-19 08:12:29

YANBU

Pander to this by replacing everything, and you are really setting yourself up for years of fickleness.

My dd is like this, same age, trends move quickly ( and I am sure quite deliberately) I would stand firm.

MadAboutWands Thu 28-Feb-19 08:19:23

I disagree completely about sharing the family budget with her. It’s a responsibility miles too big a child that age and isn’t her problem frankly.
If you keep telling her that you only have £100 spare each month for non essential, the day when you will have an unexpected bill, it is likely that she will end up being very worried about it.

But changing trainers because she doesn’t like the colour? Nope, not happening in this house.
And yes she can use her pocket money to do that.
It’s not just that she needs to learn the value of money. But she also needs to learn not to just throw things away in a whimp. Think about waste, environnement, our reduced ressources (the planet AND financially etc...)

Widowodiw Thu 28-Feb-19 08:19:59

Well apart from the money you need to sit her down and have a word with her about consumerism and the environmental impact of fast fashion/ fads!

But regarding the money adjective yanbu- stick to your guns. Nothing is replaced in my house especially uniforms unless it’s outgriwn I’d knackered espejcally uniforms. I can hear my mum now saying to me “ you go to school to work it’s not a fashion show” 🤣🤣

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