AIBU to not take husband back(121 Posts)
I’ve recently (a month ago) left my husband. I think he has narcissist tendencies and eventually I got driven too far and lost myself with trying to ‘help’ him. I’ve forgotten who I am, and I’m trying to get over it. He says he can change, says he’s done a lot of thinking and wants us to try again. We have two kids together, I do still love him but at the same time I’m desparately trying not to go back. I’m going to list some of our issues and if people could be frank with me, I’d be grateful.
- he came up with tests to try and ‘prove’ that I don’t love him; ie, he’d pretend he had fucked his colleague and then told me hadn’t in order to see what my reaction would be. He didn’t tell me for a week. He then monitored my behaviour during this week to see how I acted
- he made stuff up, constantly. He told me loads of crazy, probably not true things in order to boost his image. I don’t want to list it as it’s outing, but a lot of it is far fetched and simply orchestrated in order to make him look special.
- he would threaten to leave me all the time. Say I didn’t love him, etc... just so I’d try and convince him otherwise and he’d get the assurance
- he got funny over tiny things; ie, if I wore makeup when meeting a male colleague, I didn’t love him because I was putting in the elder for the male colleague
- he love bombed me initially. Like, crazily. I didn’t see this at the time as I was young and naive
- a few times he threatened me with revealing things about me if I acted in a certain way
- he made up things my friends HAD NOT said to manipulate me, became stroppy and controlling when we socialised and eventually cut me off from most of my friends
- he had weird ideas about family life, believed I should only need him, wanted me at home with he kids all the time and even found it weird that I wanted to meet my friends for coffee, cause why would I when I have a family? His words, not mine
He said he didn’t mean any of this and now sees it wasn’t normal. Apparently he has changed in 3 weeks
Since we split, he’s tried many tactics- saying I never loved him, threatening to never speak to me again, is still making stuff up that my friends ‘said.’
A part of my wants to believe he can change but I call bull
I am not BU to keep well away am I?!
I only stayed so long as we also had good times, he was insanely charming at times and also genuinely amazing at times. Eventually he was threatening to leave me once a week, because I didn’t love him apparently and could find someone else. I had enough, said I wanted a divorce and here we are now
He can't change and won't. Please don't go back. On a scale of controlling craziness I'd give him a 9 out of 10. You've done the hard part, stick to it like crazy and in a year or so you'll see it was the best decision you ever made.
The stuff you wrote down is emotional abuse imo. You should stop talking to him and only communicate via email or text. That way he can’t continue his abuse and you’ll have evidence.
Don’t take him back.
Your well rid of him.
Stay strong you deserve so much better
Thank you. Making the list did help and hearing it reinforced helps.
He was a wonderful father to our kids ironically, they ask where he is and that’s what makes me sway. However, I know I can’t take him back, because he won’t change. Deep down I know that.
Well done for leaving and seeing through his BS flower. Now, do you have a DD? Imagine that she grew up to believe this sort of behaviour was normal and she married a man just like her Dad. You'd be gutted wouldn't you? Do you have a DS? Imagine he grew up to believe that this was the right way to treat women. Please don't go back, for their sakes.
Goodness, all that takes me back to when I was in abusive relationship! My ex wrote himself messages from an imaginary girl and put them through the letter box to see if I got jealous! They are complete weirdo control freaks and you MUST NOT GO BACK!! Mine kept saying he'd change and even saw a doctor and told me he was depressed and was prescribed medication - but whether that was true or not he still never changed for more than a day or two. He also moved onto to becoming physically violent - but whether physical or not it is still abuse and controlling and completely unacceptable.
I expect you used to avoid eye contact with people when with him to avoid rows, and feel your heart sink whenever a friend rang? That's no way to live your life!
I realise it must be really hard when you have children but as a PP has said, think what you're modelling for their future? There is a big story in the news at the moment about 'coercive control' and a man trying to get his mother freed for murdering her abusive husband - not sure of the names but google it and read how the children felt growing up. That should give you strength. Good luck!
YANBU. He sounds seriously screwed up, and his behaviour is gaslighting.
O my F! Run and run and even when you’ve run out of breath, take a deep lungful of whatever else is available and run some more!!
This bloke is toxic!
PLEASE PLEASE don’t go back to this madness.
In a very short time you will realise the insanity of all this
Christ, that sounds exhausting and deeply damaging. Stay strong OP. YANBU. In fact you'd be VVVVVVVU to take this cruel, controlling fucknugget back.
Well done you! You’re doing great, and you can wear these ‘wobbles’ without taking backwards steps.
It’s a tough time, but it’s a tough time with light at the end of the tunnel. Being back with him is just tough darkness.
Listen to lots of inspirational TED talks and Utube clips. Keep your chin up and hand firmly on the tiller. Mumsnet is here for you, day and night.
You must feel emotionally battered. How awful you have had to put up with this. Please don't take him back. He has NOT changed and he will NOT change.
You have only been split a month and during that time you say he has been threatening you and making up lies about your friends - so when, where and how has this change has happened? It hasn't. He is a manipulative liar and he is telling you what you what to hear to get him what he wants. The good in you wants to believe he has changed because he is the Father to your kids - not because you love him. He has wiped the floor with you emotionally. You have been strong enough to make this decision, see it through. If you want proof he hasn't changed - play him at his own game, tell him you are NOT taking him back and watch him revert back to his old tricks.
Good luck OP.
Everytime you question your decision, please read that list you wrote in your OP of the things that he did. that should give you your answer.
Be strong! You and the kids will be just fine without him
When someone shows you who they are.... BELIEVE them!
He can still be a "wonderful father" to his kids without you being in a deeply abusive relationship with him
Although I would be very watchful that he didn't switch his controlling ways to them and use that to continue to abuse you
He will not give up his "supply" easily and people like this have no wualms about damaging their kids to soothe their own dark soul
Print out that list and any time you feel unsure about your decision to leave, read it again.
Get out now while you are still able to create a better life for yourself and your DCs.You deserve it.
Do not go back
Read what you have written
That is not a healthy relationship and he will never ever change or make you happy
You have done the hardest bit and left. Your life starts here.
Despite everything he is saying about having changed if you were to go back, he would make your life hell for betraying him by leaving. A narcissist scorned is even worse and there will be punishing mind games for him to prove to himself he is in control and to subtly scare you into daring to leave again. Don’t believe him when he says he will change. You have achieved so much by leaving. I know how hard it is. Please stay strong.
Don’t go back. His ‘revelation’ only further cements how intentional his abuse was. He’s just trying to change his tactics at the moment.
I read your first point and thought don't fucking do it, now I am off to read the rest, which I will assume will confirm it
He will want you back until he's found another victim.
You've described classic narcissistic abuse.
I'd recommend the freedom programme.
If you go back there'll be nothing left of you soon.
But one day you'll wake up with a sense of freedom and realise what you lived with. You're still in the stage were he could reel you back in, so he'll up his game.
This has been effecting every aspect of your life, even how you've parented.
He can't change, it's a personality disorder. He hasn't shown you he can change.
Stay strong and as far away as you can.
You are describing coercive control, ie domestic abuse. It is a criminal offence.
You are right to call bull: m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY
All his doing is trying to get control of you back. That is all he is interested in - having power and control.
I think you would benefit massively from going on the Freedom Programme. It's information, not therapy, but in a supportive environment. They can help you make sense of his behaviour and the impact it's had on you, as well as giving you knowledge and tools to protect yourself in the future and avoid being sucked in again (either by him or somebody else who might be abusive but use different tactics).
It also covers the impact on children - even when you think they've be shielded from it all - and how they can heal after the abusive parent is removed from their home. Given your posts I think this would be particularly useful information for you to have.
You can find out more here: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
The group courses are free to attend and confidential. Going was one of the scariest (but only the turning up for the first week!) but most beneficial things I ever did. Aside from everything else, it could help you learn to trust your instincts again and restore your idea of what is normal.
They don't just teach about what abuse is etc, they also teach about what healthy relationships should be like so that you have a model for the future (and a sense of perspective when you're doubting yourself about whether you've "overreacted" to the abuse).
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