To remove DDs phone altogether?

[HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed]

DD turned 11 in January, her dad and I are separated and he bought her an iPhone for her birthday. She previously had a normal phone to use if she wanted to contact him (which I supplied) but neither of them ever contacted one another.

The iPhone is the only thing she's ever been allowed to bring home with her, and it was sent home with her without any consultation with me. Since having it, her attitude has worsened a great deal. She will only use it in her room and is constantly charging and checking it. I caught her trying to sneak it into bed a few weeks ago and she absolutely lost the plot when I said it could stay at her dad's house if it's going to continue to cause her to be dishonest and have a bad attitude.

I check it regularly and the messages are fairly mundane. However, her dad has helped her to download TikTok, Watsapp and BBC iPlayer - all of which I think are absolutely inappropriate for her age. What's worse is that DD is well aware they're inappropriate (thanks to internet safety week at school and us talking) and she's made a big deal of saying she doesn't understand why underage people are so desperate for them. Therefore she's lying by omission, in my opinion.

This evening she asked if she could meet a friend from school at the local park. It's a 5 min walk from our house and I was heading there with her siblings to walk the dog a while later so I said yes on the condition she messages me when she arrived safely and only goes to the park. We ended up going sooner than expected as the washing machine repair man was delayed indefinitely and when we arrived there was no sign of DD, despite her having messaged me to say she arrived safely. Half an hour later I saw her and her friend approach the entrance, when they saw us they ran into a bush (!) and tried to sneak it through it so they could pretend they'd been there the whole time.

When I challenged DD about where they'd been, she said her friend needed a wee so they went to McDonald's, then blurted out that her friend had had an ice cream but she hadn't had anything, then looked in a panic at her phone as presumably there's an incriminating photo on there! McDonald's is only a few mins from the park but it's across two tricky roads, and she didn't have permission to go there.

I honestly feel like saying she can leave the phone at her dad's house next time she goes as all it has lead to is dishonesty. Similarly, I feel she's spoiled her opportunity to be independent and go out with a friend as she's been dishonest there too. AIBU to say the phone is not welcome in my house anymore?

[dancemom]

What has the phone got to do with her lying about where she was?

Surely if she didn't have the phone then she wouldn't have been able to message you which was a condition of her going to the park?

[shaddzymay]

You're annoyed that her dad bought her the phone and looking for excuses to get rid of it.

[Takethebuscuitandthesink]

If she’s dishonest at the age of 11 you need to tightly monitor it and have (very) frank conversation about this. As she gets older she may well sneak a cheap android phone (you can buy them for £20) and get a pay as you go sim. Then you will have no control at all better she has it and you are in the know. Also what’s wrong with bbc iPlayer

[Armadillostoes]

YANBU-I can see how the phone is part of a pattern of behaviour. In any event, confiscating a phone as punishment for telling a serious lie is entirely fair.

[dublinruth]

iPhone will allow you to check her location. Even more important once she's been dishonest about where she's going. You set the rules - why not ban it in her room? Downstairs use only, including to charge at night. If she sneaks it into her room at bedtime then she loses it the next day.

It's hard to navigate when they start using phones but it's much easier to be strict from the start than to try to enforce rules later.

I'd be more worried about the lying than the phone.

[ChoccieEClaire]

You are clearly bothered by the fact that her dad bought the iPhone. I'm not with my DD's dad so I get it but it's important not to muddy the waters.
Her going to MacDonalds and not telling you has nothing to do with the phone. She is an 11 year old pushing boundaries (I'm not saying it's excusable). You have to set an adequate punishment for this.

[Chickychoccyegg]

I'd maybe putting punishments in place for the lying, eg grounded if shes going to places shes not allowed, phone confiscated if trying to sneak it to bed /use inappropriately.
Its your dd at fault not the phone, dont see the issue with iPlayer or whatsapp? maybe im missing something though, i know theres been issues with weirdos contacting young girls through tiktok but privacy settings can be put in place.

[HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed]

She already has a regular phone dancemom, I think she is too young for a smart phone and that her dishonest behaviour since getting it is proving it.

She could watch Luther and all kinds of other inappropriate programmes on iPlayer

[Imustbemad00]

I have had similar issues with my daughter. She’s 13 now and it’s just starting to settle down. I too hated her having a phone. She was addicted to it. Her attitude was bad, she was more stressed because she felt she had to be ‘available’ all the time to answer the hundreds of messages from group chats. She would get moody and snappy when she had to come off the phone or asked to do anything.
This has gone on for 2 years, the phones been confiscated many times but then they become isolated from peer groups.
I actually bought her an iPhone for Xmas, to get rid of her android, purely because I have more control over the iPhone.
From my iPhone I can set screen time limits. She can only use the phone between 7am-9pm. Only 1 hour can be used on social media, and 3 hours total between those times. It locks down and she can’t access it without the code. Can still receive calls though.
She hated it at first but has got used to it.
Also I can see where she is on find my iPhone.

[mkmo]

Yes YABU for taking away her phone.

Your daughter's behaviour is fairly normal for a child her age. Taking away her phone will only anger her and push her away from you. Checking her messages will make her feel as if you don't trust her. All you can do is educate her.

If you give your daughter more freedom she will not have to lie to you about where she goes and what she looks at. If she wants to sneak off into town she will probably do that anyway whether you ban it or not, all kids that age are rebellious. It's better that she can talk to you about it and tell you where she's going. This transparency will mean she can trust you and you can trust her.

[HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed]

Watsapp is 16+

Have none of you heard of Breck Bednar? Strangers being able to contact her is a big deal.

[HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed]

If she had asked mkmo, I would've said yes to McDonald's - I just would have told her to be extra careful with the roads. There was no reason to lie, and doing so on her first time being trusted out alone has made me angry.

[fruityb]

Can strangers contact you on WhatsApp? No one ever has me. I thought it had to be contacts only?

[TriciaH87]

I think your seeing the phone as the issue when you could use it to your advantage. Take it away and only let her have for an hour or 2 a day if her behaviour was good the previous day. If not no phone. If she has no phone you cannot contact her meaning no going out on the day after she misbehave. If she has the phone to go out tell her you will check where she is i suggest uploading a found my phone app so you can ping her location randomly. If she lies you take the phone for a week effectively grounding her too. Its how i handle my 12 year old sons attitude. No phone no going out as i can not contact him.

[Redwinestillfine]

Is there any way to child proof the I phone? So she can't use inappropriate apps and limit to age appropriate web searches?

[LovingLola]

Checking her messages will make her feel as if you don't trust her. All you can do is educate her.

Ignore that advice. Tell her that her phone will be checked regularly - ideally at least several times a week. Get it locked down tightly so that she cannot download apps without parental permission. Put find my phone on and use it.
She is an 11 year old child.

[Iggly]

Breck Bednar was murderer by someone he met online not a random whatsapp.

Whatsapp is a messaging app and you exchange messages with people who have your phone number. In the same way as texting, just more “live”.

I suggest you learn a bit about the internet and online safety.

I would be wary about the tiktok app and put controls on the iplayer.

I would also have rules about smartphones in bedrooms etc

[Muddysnowdrop]

How did the phone lead to a McDonald’s trip?

[CrispbuttyNo1]

In all honesty I think an 11yo should be capable and allowed to cross main roads. At that age I was going into town with my friends and going to the shops for my mum.

You sound a little overprotective which in turn is going to make your daughter hide things from you.

Even if you stop her watching what you see as unsuitable programmes on her phone, it won’t stop her watching them on her friends phones.

Perhaps come to some compromise before taking the phone off her. Put her phone on the find my phone app and tell her she must have it on so that you can see where she is when she is out, and check her phone history regularly.

[caringcarer]

I really can't think why an 11 year old needs any phone. I have a twelve year old who does not have one and nor will he until he is 16. I would not be letting your dd out alone again for at least 3 months. I allow 1 - 1 1/2 hours TV each day or can be swapped for ipad but only has educational software on it. Child rarely uses it as too busy with his sports. We engage 12 year old in a lot of sport, swimming, cricket, aqathlon, running, bike riding etc. Not much time to waste on computers or smart phones.

[Starlight456]

There is a part missing . My almost 12 year old is not allowed his phone in his room.

Why does she decide where phone is kept . When she can use it.

Yes deal with the lies.

It does come across you are blaming the phone but ultimately she is responsible for her behaviour. I am guessing year 6 . She will be in high school soon and if she doesn’t have guidance Iof safe internet use now she will have it on her friends phones.

[Muddysnowdrop]

IPlayer has parental controls you can set, so no Luther. I can see what my dc do on their phone (same age) I have to be given the passwords. Also linked to my iPhone so history cannot be deleted for example and no private browsing. Many apps can be set to friends only but you need to keep on top of this.
I haven’t set the time lock thing but definitely going to do this too!

[Muddysnowdrop]

Caringcarer your dc is likely to rebel in a big way in a year or two - no phone till 16? May as well send him to school in a bowtie.
It’s possible to play sports and chat to friends using social media. You are likely to disadvantage your child socially and you aren’t equipping him to deal with it responsibly, at an age when you can control it.

[twattymctwatterson]

WhatsApp is literally no different to text messages. You can put parental controls on iplayer

[HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed]

Breck presumed his murderer was a friend of a friend because they were on a group chat together. His other friends presumed the same. Strangers can get in touch on Watsapp in this way. If you all think I'm overreacting, why is it rated 16+?

LovingLola that won't work because her dad will give permission

Crispbutty I didn't say she wasn't allowed to or capable of crossing the road, I said they are tricky roads - lots of local campaigning to get a crossing put in as there's been several accidents there