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AIBU To tell my husband not to go to theatre?

(14 Posts)
Mumofyoungteenagers Tue 26-Feb-19 21:06:53

My DH has just informed me he’s booked us to go to the theatre to see a comedy on a date that’s the anniversary of my DM’s death. So to say why I struggle I’ll tell you the story, I don’t want to drip feed.

My DM died the day before her birthday and so those 2 days are pretty hard for me. I was told by my DF that I couldn’t go and see her in the hospice when she was ill and too come up the next weekend but she died the next day so I never got to say goodbye.

6months after she died I got diagnosed with the same illness that she died from and I struggled to come to terms with everything. Then my brothers organised an internment of her ashes without telling me, miles away from where I live.(Long long story) and my dad went on a round the world trip and met someone else (all this is within one year of death/funeral) so I’ve relied on DH to help me when the awful 2days come round that mark her death/birthday.

We usually go up to the grave (now I know where it is) put flowers on and I spend time just chatting to her. But to be honest I’m usually a mess. I just miss her so much.

He’s not just going to the theatre just to watch the show, but for work and someone else could go in his place as he’s done it for other colleagues when they had to change plans, but now he’s angry because “I don’t want to go” he doesn’t want to ask a colleague, and he’ll “discuss it with me later, nearer the time”

Help me here, AIBU, should I just tough up and go?

youknowmedontyou Tue 26-Feb-19 21:09:31

Firstly I'm very sorry for your loss, it still seems you're carrying a lot of grief, which us understandable. How long ago did your mum pass away?

shpoot Tue 26-Feb-19 21:09:39

No, if you don't want to go you don't have to. For some it might be a welcome distraction. Others not. You are allowed to grieve in your own way.

Sorry for your loss

maddiemookins16mum Tue 26-Feb-19 21:12:22

How long ago did your mum die? My lovely mum died nearly 6 years ago and I miss her terribly. My circumstances at losing her weren’t as traumatic as yours (not that it’s a competition of course 💐) but the first two years I was very low. By the 3rd year we actually went on holiday on the ‘anniversary’.

Sirzy Tue 26-Feb-19 21:16:08

You don’t have to go but at the same time it wouldn’t be fair to stop him from going. Plan a nice evening in for yourself.

Sirzy Tue 26-Feb-19 21:17:14

But on the other hand have you stopped and thought what your mum would want? You sat feeling sorry for yourself or you going out and enjoying life?

AnguasDogCollar Tue 26-Feb-19 21:17:51

Some people might like the distraction, but your Dh should have asked you first. He knows the date is hard for you. Getting angry is a pretty shit reaction.

Mumofyoungteenagers Tue 26-Feb-19 21:19:55

She died 5 years ago, but as my illness progresses and I remember her going through it, I just miss her more cause I wish I could talk to her about it all.

I’m normally ok all the other times, but just on those 2 days I just fall apart.

Any other date I’d be totally up for it, but I just want to spend time visiting the grave, and being with my family as my time is limited like hers was. So to ask him not to go just on this date and him getting angry, I just feel very let down. I know it’s not his DM (he’s lucky she’s fit and healthy and in her 90’s) and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but he didn’t even realise the dates! And to just get angry when I said no really hurts. I really don’t go on and on about DM any other time, even though I miss her so much I just carry on. Is it so bad to ask him to remember and respect the dates too?

BackforGood Tue 26-Feb-19 21:20:54

No, I don't think you should "tell" your dh not to go.

I am sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to cope with losing your Mum.
My thinking is the same as Sirzy's, but I do agree with Shpoot too.

ivykaty44 Tue 26-Feb-19 21:23:06

I’m sorry for your loss.

So you think it would have made your mum happy to think you were both somewhere nice and having a good time, anniversary of someone’s death can be difficult but possibly spending it this way and think of the happy times with your mum?

Floralnomad Tue 26-Feb-19 21:29:58

Sorry for your loss but as you say it’s not his loss and he didn’t actually book it for the date , he didn’t remember the date which is a bit different . If you don’t want to go then that’s fine but perhaps your husband prefers not to dwell particularly as you have the same condition as your mum , perhaps he just doesn’t want to go there IYSWIM .

Babdoc Tue 26-Feb-19 21:30:59

I can’t imagine anything less appropriate than trying to laugh at a comedy in a public theatre when you’re stricken with grief over your mum. Your DH is being utterly insensitive and shouldn’t expect you to go along with this plan of his.
I’d ask him to get a colleague to stand in for him while he comforts you at home and takes you to visit the grave as usual.
If he insists on going to the theatre you should simply tell him he’ll be going alone.

Fiveredbricks Tue 26-Feb-19 21:34:14

I think you need to mark the day by doing something lovely from now on instead of missing her and staying in your grief. You need to work through it as best you can so that's up to you when you feel that way but you should be celebrating her life not just focussing on her not being here. It's possibly stopping you coming to terms with your own illness too and living your life to the fullest, even if just on those two days.

pickletickled Tue 26-Feb-19 21:59:09

I'm sorry for your loss and I understand how difficult it is. It'll be 3 years next month for my mum and I still miss her everyday, as do my 3 sisters.
As for telling your DH he can't go, I don't feel that's okay tbh. You've every right to not want to go with him though. Could he be trying to get you to do something on that day that would cheer you up, that's probably the wrong way to word it but hope you know what I mean. My DH tries to do this on days I'm feeling sad, not to make me forget because I never could but to give me something else to do. Sometimes I'll go out/do what he suggests and sometimes I'll not. Either way it makes no difference to how I feel about the life and death of my Mother, it's the memories that are important to me and I remember her everyday not just specific ones, if that makes sense.
I always say to myself and to my sisters - this short life is for living and Mum would kick all of our arses if we moped and didn't make the most it.

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