To not know what to do about schoolfriend stealing money from DD

[ThisisanEcumenicalMatter]

Hi everyone,

Just hoping for some advice on what if anything you'd do about the following:

On Sat morning, DH and I went to an event leaving DD13 at home (DS16 would get back in the afternoon). I left her a £20 note on the sideboard to get the bus to town which she does regularly and to buy a couple of bits for a school project. Said she could keep the change if any left over.

Got back at about 8pm to find DD had not gone to town or completed her project.

She told me that when getting ready, her schoolfriend 'Lucy' had called round. DD let her in, went to finish doing her hair in the bathroom, then had a quick chat and Lucy left. Afterwards, DD noticed the £20 was missing so could not go to town. She spent the day doing other things instead.

We checked and it has not dropped off the side (nowhere for it to be hidden) no other people or animals in the house. DH and DD saw me leaving it so it was definitely there.

DD said when she left bathroom, Lucy was in the area where the money had been left but DD didn't realise it was no longer there until Lucy had gone, DD had fed her rabbits and was ready to get the bus.

I do trust DD's version of events as whilst obviously not perfect, she is generally an honest and studious kid and was looking forward to cracking on with the project. I genuinely don't feel she has taken the money and lied.

Without performing a character assassination on Lucy, Ive known her as a friend of DD for years and whilst I don't know of any form for stealing, she has a bit of a manipulative streak and I have heard from DD over the years (who is very open with me) of a number of occasions at school she has been found to be fibbing. One especially was quite serious.

DD asked Lucy about the money yesterday at school of her own accord and Lucy denied all knowledge.

So, given I have no proof, it's DD's word against Lucy's, would you raise this with the school or her parents or just leave it? I don't know them well but they live locally. I'm not sure how they'd respond if Lucy denied it.

I mostly feel annoyed as DD was left unable to do her schoolwork and the shop needed was closed on Sunday so it's caused us a bit of inconvenience, plus, whilst we're not completely hard up, we certainly don't have money to be throwing away.

[Thistles24]

I think you’d have to let this one go to be honest, but I’d tell DD to be very careful around Lucy. I can’t see the parents taking it well if you asked them.

[VeraWangTwang]

I'd have to leave it. There is no way of proving anything, but I would be watching the friend like a hawk and would not have her in the house unless I was there

[justthecat]

I’d leave it but I wouldn’t let her back in the house again

[TheInvestigator]

I think your daughter is at the age when she needs to start deciding who she wants to be friends with.

She must be civil, she just work with her on any joint school work etc... but she doesn't need to be her friend outside of school if she has these worries. I would maybe make the school aware of the situation if your daughter decides to cool the friendship, but not to get the girl into trouble. Just to make sure the school don't try to force them to be friends if Lucy complained to any teachers or anything.

[BlueMerchant]

I'd want to go to Lucy's house and speak to her and her parents but I would probably leave it. If Lucy came to our home I would casually ask if she saw a £20 on the side on the day she visited. Fully expecting her to say no yet letting her know that I'm on to her and explain money has gone missing and next time you'll be involving police.

[lerrimknowyouretheyir]

I would also leave it but I’d strongly suggest to DD that Lucy not be allowed in the house again.

[Yabbers]

I’d be tempted to set it up and see if she does it again.

[ThisisanEcumenicalMatter]

Thanks everyone, it's really helpful to know your views.

As much as I am tempted to speak to her parents, I agree to leave it and have a conversation with DD about how she treads with Lucy in future. As Thistles says, I don't know how they will take it with no proof and if they choose to defend her, it will cause a bigger issue.

Fortunately the girls are not so close these days, their friendship is more a relic from primary school as they have different interests and are in different forms now.

Therefore, hopefully it won't be an issue Lucy coming here unsupervised as she only rarely comes anyway and DD is pretty unimpressed by this episode. I don't think she will pursue the friendship much now.

[JenniferJareau]

I wouldn’t raise it with her parents because basically you’d be calling their daughter a thief to their faces, that would not go down well. I’d watch Lucy like a hawk in the future and warn your DD to be careful with her things.

[OKBobble]

Lucy would no longer be allowed in my house the same way a certain boy is no longer allowed in mine after similar circumstances

[VelvetPineapple]

Nothing you can do except tell DD that Lucy isn’t welcome in your home ever again. You can’t have a little thief around, god knows what she might pocket next time!

[SubparOwl]

I would leave it to, without proof I can't see anything to be gained. Your DD sounds sensible so I'm sure this will mean she won't be likely to bring Lucy round again.

[ThisisanEcumenicalMatter]

Thanks BlueMerchant I think she knows we're aware after DD mentioned it to her yesterday.

I'm inclined to say to DD that Lucy isn't welcome again. I think she comes rarely enough that we dont need to make a big deal of it- just make an excuse if she does pop round.

[HazelBite]

Her parents will never believe you so there is no point in going round, I suffered something similar years ago but the "little angel" would never ever do anything like that.

[Footle]

Is anything else missing?

[ThisisanEcumenicalMatter]

No, Footle , as far as any of us have seen it's only the money.

[Sparklesocks]

Ugh how nasty to steal from your own mate (close or not).
I think you’re taking the right approach OP. But a difficult lesson for your DD to learn about how some people are.

[Onceuponacheesecake]

I'd soooo want to talk to her parents but considering the lack of evidence I think you'll have to leave it. Very frustrating though. I wouldn't want the "friend" back in the house.

[ThisisanEcumenicalMatter]

This is it, Sparkle. Not saying it was the end of the world but what really made me want to raise this was so that she'd be aware of the consequences. Her 'friend' was left stuck at home unable to carry out her plans for the weekend and couldn't get her school work done. Possibly make her think twice before doing it again.

[ModreB]

I don't think I'd raise it with the parents, but if Lucy came around again I would refuse to let her in, and tell her that the last time she was in the house £20 had gone missing, and although you don't think she took it, you don't want to run the risk of her being blamed if something else goes missing.

[Sparklesocks]

Yes, sometimes kids can’t see beyond their own wants/needs so it’s unlikely her friend thought about the impact on DD. Maybe you could suggest DD mentions it to her in a vague way, such as ‘ugh you know that £20 that went missing the other day? So annoying, my mum went mad at me for losing money and I couldn’t go out and get stuff from my project.’ So she understands more, but I appreciate they don’t see much of each other and maybe best to let it go.

[Shinesweetfreedom]

I think that’s cheap at twice the price for your dd to find about this girl and a lesson about money hanging around not that you should have to.
She would not get in my house again and I would let your dd know she is not to be allowed in whether you are there or not.

[hedgeharris]

Two things - you’ll be lucky if your dd doesn’t say something to her friend, and is the mum or dad a friend? If it as a friend I’d mention it carefully. If you’re not I’d just leave it as it’s unverifiable, but most of us know children do throngs wrong as they’re developing and need to be caught to realise.

[FamilyOfAliens]

hedgeharris

The OP posted this:

DD asked Lucy about the money yesterday at school of her own accord and Lucy denied all knowledge.