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Who is BU?

(18 Posts)
AuntieCJ Tue 26-Feb-19 13:48:11

DNiece and her DH have both been married before. Both marriages were long over before they got together. She has 2 DCs from her first marriage, he has 1 DD and they have a DS together.

The arrangement with the other parents has always been fairly flexible and aims to be 50/50, although now they are older friends and hobbies make it harder. DH had a catastrophic industrial accident while still married to his first DW. He received a large sum in compensation and when the marriage broke up gave his ex the house bought and paid for. She has always had a good job and as child care is shared he's never paid any maintenance but pays for school trips and other extras.

He is still unable to work and has had a series of operations and is likely to need more. He does some freelance IT work when he can. DNiece works full time and DH does the childcare of all their children when they are with them. Sorry it's long but don't want to drip feed.

Two weeks ago the ex had a huge row with her boss and walked out of work and has decided she doesn't want to work any more and DH will have to start paying her maintenance. His income is from investing the rest of his compensation after buying the ex's house and half of the one he lives in with DNiece. It is a very small income now but he will get a decent pension when the time comes. The ex says DNiece is earning so she'll have to pay. DNiece has told her there is no chance and to get another job. Ex is telling her DC they will be thrown out on the streets. DSD is very upset.

DNiece is standing firm but her DH is starting to waver because ex is threatening not to let DSD go to them unless they pay up. DNiece says they owe her nothing and she's certainly not having any money from her salary that she's earned. That's for her DCs and DSD when she's there.

I'm maybe too close but the ex is being U, isn't she?

WhoWants2Know Tue 26-Feb-19 13:56:06

It does sound like she's being unreasonable. If he's doing 50% of the care, then he shouldn't be paying maintenance.

Sirzy Tue 26-Feb-19 13:59:22

Tell her to go through the CMS. I doubt she will get very far!

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 26-Feb-19 13:59:35

Yes she is. DNiece owes her nothing and 50/50 means no maintenance is due anyway.

The ex is being bang out of order involving the DC.

Fiveletters Tue 26-Feb-19 14:00:25

The ex needs to get another job. Was there a written arrangement regarding maintenance and the property?

AuntieCJ Tue 26-Feb-19 14:03:31

The handing over of the house was done with solicitors and I think there was a clause about full and final settlement, if that makes sense.

Travis1 Tue 26-Feb-19 14:03:37

The ex is being unreasonable. Any maintenance should only come from the husband and if care is 50/50 then none at all should change hands

VelvetPineapple Tue 26-Feb-19 14:05:06

If custody is 50/50 then nobody owes any maintenance. End of discussion.

If custody isn’t 50/50 then maintenance might be owed but it would be based on the father’s income not on his wife (DNiece) income.

Lizzie48 Tue 26-Feb-19 14:05:07

The ex is being unreasonable and also very unkind to be bringing her DD into it.

Omzlas Tue 26-Feb-19 14:21:03

The ex is unreasonable, and a twat to boot. No reason to bring your child into it when you simply want your ex to fund your lifestyle because you don't want to earn your own living

He needs to engage a solicitor for advice but I doubt that maintenance would be granted if there's 50/50 residency, she's just trying her luck

AuntieCJ Tue 26-Feb-19 14:25:52

What makes me really angry is that she expects my niece to give her money. The absolute CFery of it.

They live in the same village and DSD is used to coming and going as she pleases, I don't see her mother being able to stop that.

Drum2018 Tue 26-Feb-19 14:27:12

Has custody been formalised? If not and it's just a casual agreement they made themselves, the Dh is probably going to need to get onto sorting that out asap.
The ex is being a cow and I hope she realises she's likely to get nowhere with her lazy ass attitude.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 26-Feb-19 14:33:37

Point the ex towards CMS.

if custody is 50/50, no maintenance is due anyway.

Tell the CF lazy cow to get another job,

definitelynotanothernamechange Tue 26-Feb-19 14:43:11

You DNiece and her DH need to go and get legal advice on this one. She is threatening to use the kids as weapons in exchange for money. If they have any of this in the form of texts or written word from her then that will back them up. I would get an order that says 50/50 custody and the current arrangement works fine. CMS/CSA would be another one to look through. Ask to see what he legally would have to pay in the situation as is and see if he's paying it/exceeding/underpaying. There are calculators online for this.
If the DSD is a teenager, there won't be much anyone could do because she could technically make the choice of what she wants herself and they will likely take her request into account unless anyone is a danger.

Soubriquet Tue 26-Feb-19 14:43:39

I would seek legal advice really so they know exactly where they stand.

Once they know, they can get a solicitor to send a letter to the ex and telling her outright, she is not having any money. She isn’t entitled to any money, and she needs to sort herself out

MereDintofPandiculation Tue 26-Feb-19 15:03:51

If custody isn’t 50/50 then maintenance might be owed but it would be based on the father’s income not on his wife (DNiece) income. Are you sure about that? Someone I know was advised by their solicitor not to marry until financial arrangements were sorted out because unmarried it was based on his income, but married his wife's income could be taken into account too.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Tue 26-Feb-19 15:06:39

Someone I know was advised by their solicitor not to marry until financial arrangements were sorted out because unmarried it was based on his income, but married his wife's income could be taken into account too.

That might have been true decades ago, it certainly isnt the case now. Subsequent partners have no financial obligation to current partners ex's.

AuntieCJ Tue 26-Feb-19 15:39:49

Thanks for the advice. I've told them they should get legal advice. DSD is 13 so will be able to say what she wants unless her mother persuades her not to.

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