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To feel sad about this situation.

(16 Posts)
Cside Tue 26-Feb-19 07:49:08

NC for this.

Honestly, I don't want to hear that my DH is a dick or to LTB etc... Because he really isn't usually. He's usually very kind and thoughtful and he's been good to me for a long time.

However, the other night he mentioned to me that something has been playing on his mind for a long time.

I don't remember this conversation but apparently when we first met I told him I'd had a threesome because he asked me.

He says he can't stop thinking about it and feels sick at the thought of men using me that way and how he nearly never saw me again when I told him, but is of course glad he did because here we are now.

I hold my hands up, I have no recollection of the conversation or why it even came up in the first place but obviously I have shared this information at some point. However, this was not a proud period of my life. I went through a lot of things as a teen and this instance we are talking about was a horrible mistake for me that I am greatly ashamed of when I was under the influence of drugs and frankly, feel like I was taken advantage of at quite a young age.

I've changed a lot since growing up, I've moved on from being that person and had done way before I met DH so I feel quite hurt that he is thinking of me that way years later.

To be honest, I think IABU, he's entitled to his feelings of course and at the end of the day I told him about this (although he admits it was only because he asked me) and I don't believe I gave him the complete full picture at the time as told above. But I just can't shake feeling sad that he's obviously judging my mistakes or perhaps it's the people involved he's judging (as do I when I think about it) and I need to accept that?

IceRebel Tue 26-Feb-19 07:56:09

I know you don't want to hear he's being a dick, but he really is.

You say this threesome happened when you were at a much younger age, and many years before you met him. The conversation about it happened right near the start of the relationship, yet he's still bringing it up years later. That is dickish behaviour. If the conversation disgusted him so much that was the point he should have walked away, but he didn't

He shouldn't be using this a reason to degrade and judge you, i'm sure he also made many mistakes when he was younger. I would be telling him he either he accepts it was something that happened and puts it to rest, or I would end the relationship.

Ifailed Tue 26-Feb-19 07:57:15

What someone did before they met their current partner is none of their business, unless there is some risk of passing on an infection. If he's still dwelling on something you told him years ago, I suspect there's more to this than he's letting on and this is a symptom of other issues in your relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if he's taking your earlier behaviour as an excuse to let him off, either something he's done or wants to do.

OddBodsAndGladRags Tue 26-Feb-19 08:02:34

It sounds like you were living a different lifestyle and a different person. Don't let him haunt your present with things that happened to you that you want to move on from. I find it hard to forget the negative stuff and errors I've made but I have to otherwise I'd be a mess.

Tell him to see a therapist if he needs help moving on but you aren't going to be dwelling on it. He asked. You were honest.

Vulpine Tue 26-Feb-19 08:03:33

Its none of his business and patriarchally judgemental - there is nothing wrong with threesomes and even if you think there is we are all allowed a past

AtrociousCircumstance Tue 26-Feb-19 08:03:47

He is the one with a problem here and it is up to him to resolve it - to think it through. He had no right to shame you.

Two scenarios: you explored a bit when younger and had a consenting, amazing experience - fantastic. Nothing to judge, your absolute right, you have autonomy over your body and make your own choices. Anyone criticising you for it is way out of line. Your partner should be able to respect you enough to acknowledge that your choices were exactly that - yours, and none of his business before you were together.

Or, you got a bit manipulated into doing something you regret, because you weren’t sure it was what you wanted. In this case your partner should be supportive and caring and do what it takes to make you feel heard and healed about it. Never judged or shamed.

Your DH is behaving very badly. You need to tell him this is his problem and he is being sexist, judgemental and nasty to darken your relationship with his issues now.

He has a lot of thinking to do and a lot to make up to you.

CalmdownJanet Tue 26-Feb-19 08:06:39

No sorry you need to change your stance from "he is entitled to his feelings" (because this has nothing to do with him) to "Look dh, I am really annoyed, you asked me a question years ago, I answered honestly, if you didn't want to know years ago you shouldn't have asked and you definitely shouldn't be here bringing my past up for no reason years later and acting like a fucking victim. If its in your head well give your head a wobble and tell yourself by sex life before has fuck all to do with you."

You might not want to hear it but he is being a prick.

Darkstar4855 Tue 26-Feb-19 08:08:18

Is he really judging you or is he just being honest with you about something that bothers him? It sounds more like he feels protective of you if he’s angry that you were being used by men.

I would be glad that he feels he can be honest, that is a sign of a strong relationship. Would he consider going for counselling to try and work through these feelings?

Cside Tue 26-Feb-19 08:12:38

Darkstar4855 from knowing his personality I would say this is more like what he would mean.

Without meaning to drip feed, I did tell him I was pissed off at the time and he apologized and said they were his issues and he needed to work on them. However, I can't help but feel sad still that he's obviously thought about this throughout our relationship which is brilliant, we never argue etc... It was completely out of the blue for me, I had no idea he ever thought about it.

ChuckleBuckles Tue 26-Feb-19 08:31:12

What does he want you to do with this information though OP?
You can't "unhave" the threesome, you say yourself that you were a very different person back then, but now you have the knowledge that your husband looks at you in a different way because of something that happened before you ever knew him. He has passed his judgement along to you when really this is his issue. He needs to deal with this himself.

Duchessgummybuns Tue 26-Feb-19 08:35:14

What does he want you to do? Hop in the time machine and go back and fix it? His bringing it up now is at best entirely unreasonable and worst completely cuntish.

I’m wondering if he’s done something himself and is trying to make you feel bad as a smokescreen.

NCforthis2019 Tue 26-Feb-19 08:38:20

Sorry he is being a dick. Never made a mistake in his life has he? Is he some kind of saint? Does he think you can go back in time to change things? OR is he just trying to make you feel bad and shit about yourself? Because what other reason could there possibly be?

Cside Tue 26-Feb-19 08:43:03

I don't know, I really can't see it being to cover his own tracks. I trust him completely. I've never suspected him of anything like that.

Of course everyone says that but I really can't see him having cheated or anything.

I did get angry and upset when he said it. I asked him seriously if that's how he sees me and he says no, he was stupid to say it he's sorry, they are his issues etc... He just doesn't like the idea of me being 'used that way'.

I get why it isn't a nice thought for him, but there's literally nothing I can do about it.

Margot33 Tue 26-Feb-19 08:56:35

No he's not entitled to those feelings. He wasn't there. It happened a long time ago, before you met. I wouldn't be emotional about my husband's hypothicital three some from before we met! It's ridiculous. He's shaming you and dredging up bad feelings in you. There's no need for it. Love yourself inside and out. There is nothing shameful about what you did. You tried it and wouldnt do it again, end of story. If he keeps bringing it up, just suggest a break from each other. He will soon be quiet about it.

Birdsgottafly Tue 26-Feb-19 09:03:52

Just make sure that he didn't ask you about your past to later use it against you.

I've known Men to do that, to, play the victim and make their Partner feel grateful they've stayed with them.

They don't start off on this stance, it slowly creeps in.

He was entitled to feel bad about it, when you told him and to work through it then and stay or walk away.

He's now got you second guessing and doubting yourself, you don't do that to a Partner.

ALargeGinPlease Tue 26-Feb-19 09:26:38

I read your op as more that he feels sad for you that this happened and that he is coming from a place of love, i.e. he loves you so much, it hurts him to imagine you being treated badly in any way. However, it DID happen and perhaps he needs some counselling to help him work through his feelings about it.
You may be able to help him, by talking through that period in your life and how much better things are now, with him, but it sounds like its playing in his mind and that his problem to work through.

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