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(12 Posts)
MagicalUnicorn Tue 26-Feb-19 02:42:23

Hi first time posting
iv been with my husband for 13 years but in that 13years I have had him lie to me about things. When I find out that he had lied to me. I have him turning it onto me that he lies because he knew I would find out or that he doesn't feel as though he can talk to me. I can't say I'm a perfect wife because I'm not and in the past I have lost my composure. My question is iv recently found out that he has lied to me again and then the very next day lied to my face when I asked him something then on the evening told me the truth. he wouldn't let me say how his lies have made me feel then came out with that he hates me and would talk over me. When i asked him if he hated me he said he didn't know. Iv been honest and true to my husband from the very start but his lies and that started when we first moved in together and i fell pregnant with my first child.
Iv become distant over this time of him lying to me because I know I will get hurt with another lie as small or white as it is. But now his telling me it's because of me being distant that he does what he does. I have over the years asked to go to marriage counciling but he refuses and says its me that needs to have counciling because I can't trust him as much as I want too.Please any advice would be great as I'm feeling lost and not really knowing what to do from this point on. Sorry for the long post.

Margot33 Tue 26-Feb-19 02:44:23

Depends what the lies are about?

Justagirlwholovesaboy Tue 26-Feb-19 02:45:09

More info on the lies, hard to judge otherwise

CheshireChat Tue 26-Feb-19 02:50:10

TBF, even if they're 'white lies' the fact he shouts over you and claims he hates you isn't ok and sounds like the relationship has run its course.

MrsTerryPratcett Tue 26-Feb-19 03:29:17

Everyone lies. Absolutely everyone. Anyone that says they don't is lying.

However him saying he hates you? That's dreadful.

Crabbyandproudofit Tue 26-Feb-19 04:10:43

Sorry you are feeling so lost at the moment. Without knowing what he has lied about it's impossible to say if you have been too distrustful and suspicious.

However, saying he hates you is just nasty. Not allowing you to explain how you are feeling and then trying to blame you for 'making' him lie is ridiculous and the kind of argument abusers use. You could go to see a relationship counsellor on your own but it does not seem either of you is happy so it could help both of you to go together. Your husband is going to have to be prepared to admit to some responsibility though and, so far, he seems to want to just blame you.

Sadiesnakes Tue 26-Feb-19 04:50:50

No, lies are not acceptable in a marriage. You can't trust someone who lies and trust is one of the most fundamental necessities in a ltr.
I can't believe pp here are trying to say it's ok depending on the lie or that everyone lies even.

MrsTerryPratcett Tue 26-Feb-19 15:19:28

or that everyone lies even

There is a psychometric test that psychologists use. It's to see if people are inveterate liars. One of the questions on it is something like "have you ever lied to someone you love about something?" If you say "no" the test assumes you're a liar. Because yes, everyone lies.

I told DD there was no chocolate sauce left yesterday. Told DH the other day I didn't know where DD was (she was hiding). Spent all of Christmas lying to everyone because of surprises.

The size and kind of lie does matter.

SpringForEver Tue 26-Feb-19 15:28:51


MmaMakutsi Tue 26-Feb-19 15:30:20

Spring. Oh God yes.

SubparOwl Tue 26-Feb-19 15:32:58

Well, what are the lies about? And what do you mean by lost your composure?

I hate lies within a marriage. You're taking away someone's choice to respond to the truth.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 26-Feb-19 15:40:25

says its me that needs to have counciling because I can't trust him as much as I want too


I don't even understand what he means by that!

He's gaslighting you. Saying he hates you? That's a horrible thing to say.

I'd say start getting your ducks in a row. He sounds quite unpleasant and you sound miserable.

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