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DP has posted a picture of me

(84 Posts)
PinkTicker Mon 25-Feb-19 23:16:58

on the group chat for our shared hobby.

He took it without me knowing, I'm recovering from a sickness bug and am in pyjamas and sitting in a very unflattering position which shows all my worst features. I look disgusting.

We were all mucking about with filters but I didn't know he was taking a picture of me or I'd have asked him not to post it or at the very least sat up/ covered up a bit. It's not my imagination - I really do look awful.

This is after I told him earlier how self conscious I was feeling about my appearance and that I hated myself.

I have left the group because I'm so bloody embarrassed and he says I'm overreacting and being petty.

AIBU to be upset?

As an aside if anyone knows how to get rid of the picture from the chat I'd be grateful, I could only see how to delete it from my copy of the thread.

CoraPirbright Wed 27-Feb-19 08:48:51

I'm now thinking it might be worth showing him this thread so he stops bloody minimising how I feel and can see other peiple would react the same.

Usually the advice is not to show people threads but in this instance I think I would.

So, to OP’s ‘D’P: I hope you feel proud of yourself. The person you are supposed to love most in the world is mortified. You have embarrassed her horribly, taking advantage of her insecurities for cheap laughs from a bunch of acquaintances. You are supposed to care for her and have her back - not purposefully display what she feels bad about for your own advantage. And then to try and minimise her hurt when you are called out on it? Really and truly horrible behaviour. Take the damn picture down and fucking apologise properly.

Lightofday Tue 26-Feb-19 23:26:33

earlyrisingcat to be fair some women are capable if exactly the sane nastiness too. I don't think its a gender thing. Its an asshole thing. If you ever have a narcissistic female 'friend' (before you cotton on) you will see the same behaviour from them too. I think there was a prior poster in here mentioned about a girl mate she has that does similar for example. Stepping on other ppls self esteem to make themselves feel big. Worlds full of these jackasses.

Lostwithoutdirections Tue 26-Feb-19 19:57:30

I keep thinking of this thread!! It’s so upsetting OP.

I have lots of sympathy. DH took a photo of me in hospital after DC1 was born. I’m naked in the hospital bed with a tiny newborn in the nook of my arm. I look totally happy and woozy. Fuck knows why he took the photo.

A week later, my DSis and BIL came to stay. DH decided to project some lovely new baby photos from his phone onto the freaking massive tv screen. He scrolled through happily, landing on the fucking awful naked one. And not only was there 1 photo, but a fucking burst of them. Impossible to get off the screen quickly.

I was mortified!!!!! Still am

2birds1stone Tue 26-Feb-19 18:25:37

I have found that when someone feels bad about an action or something they have said they try to pass the blame back onto the person it affected to they feel less guilty and because they don't know how to deal with what they have done... a knee jerk reaction if you like.

Be probably does realise you are upset but just doesn't know how to apologise properly or doesn't want to admit he was wrong.

PinkTicker Tue 26-Feb-19 17:53:24

I'm now thinking it might be worth showing him this thread so he stops bloody minimising how I feel and can see other peiple would react the same.

earlyrisingcat Tue 26-Feb-19 17:51:00

@Lightofday

The fact that you had just mentioned you were feeling self conscious and he then posts an obviously unflattering picture... Smacks of deliberate and spiteful intent if you ask me. And then the whole 'you're over reacting' crap... tell me, is he prone to being a manipulative gaslighting wankstain? Or is this a mysterious one off? (Doubt it).

Here the thing, there are certain sorts of ppl that stomp on you, when you expose your weakness to them. It isn't normal behaviour from someone who loves you. It is behaviour of a asshole, with issues,who only cares about himself. So if he knows it was a bad pic and deliberately posted it when you were at a low point,just to rub it in..then you got bigger problems with him than just that. The fact that he falls into a cluster b personality type could very well be one of them. Certainly low on empathy and nasty little boy at least.

I agree with this. Regrettably, this is a trait in some men (not all.) Negging and gaslighting, and chipping away at your confidence. He grinds you down, makes you feel low, and makes sure you are kept in your place, and feel grateful that he is with you. It's a nasty little game that some men play to keep their woman in her place.

To take pics of you when you are not looking your best, and you feel like shit (and feel you LOOK like shit,) and then post them online, is a nasty thing to do, and shows (IMO, and it seems in the opinion of many others) that he is trying to make you feel insecure.

Not a nice trait, not a nice way to behave, and not a nice way to treat someone you supposedly love.

CoraPirbright Tue 26-Feb-19 16:58:51

he made the decision here to post an unflattering picture of you for laughs. He valued his status in the group more than your right to dignity.

Downcasteyes puts it perfectly. He is a twat and some serious grovelling is in order (the sort that he actually means)

moosesormeece Tue 26-Feb-19 16:27:55

I saw a picture yesterday on Linked In of a very scarcely clothed woman in hospital who had just given birth. Someone had taken a photo of her partner with the new baby, and she was in the background. He'd sent it to work. His work had posted it on Linked In with a congratulations message. Someone I am connected with liked it, and so it came up on my feed. I have no idea who this man or his partner are, I have no dealings with the company he works for, the person who 'liked' it is only a very casual acquaintance, and yet this appeared on my computer in the middle of the working day. I can't imagine she's pleased about it - I certainly wouldn't be.

I'm not opposed to social media but I really don't think people think hard enough about what they're doing with it.

PinkTicker Tue 26-Feb-19 16:26:04

Ah ok Spaniel I get you now. I thought about that too but on the other hand I don't want to draw any more attention to it... intend to slide back in discreetly when I've calmed down.

Lightofday Tue 26-Feb-19 16:24:11

The fact that you had just mentioned you were feeling self conscious and he then posts an obviously unflattering picture... Smacks of deliberate and spiteful intent if you ask me. And then the whole 'you're over reacting' crap... tell me, is he prone to being a manipulative gaslighting wankstain? Or is this a mysterious one off? (Doubt it).

Here the thing, there are certain sorts of ppl that stomp on you, when you expose your weakness to them. It isn't normal behaviour from someone who loves you. It is behaviour of a asshole, with issues,who only cares about himself. So if he knows it was a bad pic and deliberately posted it when you were at a low point,just to rub it in..then you got bigger problems with him than just that. The fact that he falls into a cluster b personality type could very well be one of them. Certainly low on empathy and nasty little boy at least.

Assuming he didn't think the pic was flattering and it was actually a misguided effort to get you compliments that is. But it doesn't sound like this is the case.

SpanielEars070 Tue 26-Feb-19 16:21:48

Sorry I didn't word that very well - I meant so that they were aware that he'd done it and you're upset about it.

I didn't mean that you should apologise for one second flowers

Dimsumlosesum Tue 26-Feb-19 16:15:19

What is he, 12? I'd be pissed off too op.

myusernamewastakenbyme Tue 26-Feb-19 16:12:35

My ex did this to me a few years ago...and sent it to his whatsapp work group chat....i was livid and made him crawl over hot coals before i forgave him...
I also have a friend who thinks its amusing to take pics of me even though she knows i hate it.....then in the pub she whips her phone out and shows everybody....really really fucks me off !!!

HavelockVetinari Tue 26-Feb-19 15:19:44

He deliberately humiliated you. What a cruel thing to do, there's no way he didn't realise how it would make you feel.

I'm honestly not sure how I'd get past something like that - not the act itself, but the deliberate intention to hurt you.

PinkTicker Tue 26-Feb-19 15:12:30

Your DH knew that you were feeling extremely insecure about your appearance and he chose that exact moment to post a photo of you looking at your absolute worst. I would find it very, very hard to forgive that.

This is exactly why I'm upset. I feel he has conpletely disregarded how I'm feeling about myself and gone ahead with this to get a laugh at my expense.

I'm glad he has at least apologised, even if only put of courtesy. Ive gone through with him exactly why I was so upset and I hope he wont do it again.

As for rejoining the chat, I'm not ready to do that yet but I wont stay away forever.

WinnieFosterTether Tue 26-Feb-19 14:52:54

So he texted to say sorry. Are you happy with his apology? Will you miss being part of the messenger group?
You're perfectly entitled to be angry but I'd think about what will make it better for you so you can make it clear to DH. Then, I'd think about whether I wanted to rejoin the group because it's of benefit to me. I wouldn't cut myself off from a group I liked because DH had been an insensitive arse.

Mitzimaybe Tue 26-Feb-19 14:44:15

My BIL and SIL often post pictures of each other drunk / sleeping / looking awful. We don't. My DH knows that I would hate it. If he did that and then minimised and failed to apologise, it would honestly be grounds to LTB on the grounds of his total lack of respect for my feelings.

Your DH knew that you were feeling extremely insecure about your appearance and he chose that exact moment to post a photo of you looking at your absolute worst. I would find it very, very hard to forgive that.

earlyrisingcat Tue 26-Feb-19 14:38:26

If it's upsetting the OP, then she is NOT overreacting! hmm

Stop minimising this awful intrusive behaviour.

NOTHING is 'trivial' if it's upsetting you. FFS hmm

I hate this bullshit mindset, that just because ONE person is not upset about something; anyone else who IS upset, is silly or childish or 'overreacting.' Not everyone is the same FGS.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie Tue 26-Feb-19 14:28:26

I think you are overreacting! It's just a photo. Why do you care what people think? They certainly won't think twice about it.

TwitterQueen1 Tue 26-Feb-19 14:19:09

Wow angry
JessieMcJessie - you don't think the OP should be angry with her DH
and
SpanielEars070 - you think the OP should apologise .

FFS. You're the ones who need to work on your self-esteem. Not the OP. Do you seriously think this is an OK thing to do?

earlyrisingcat Tue 26-Feb-19 14:10:15

Exactly what I said @PinkTicker ^

PinkTicker Tue 26-Feb-19 14:01:30

@SpanielEars070

I didn't have a sense of humour failure though. I'm perfectly able to laugh at myself and have done so within that group of people, with my partner, and with others.

I don't think being upset at such public humiliation counts as a sense of humour failure, especially given that earlier in the evening I had explicitly said I was having trouble even leaving the house to meet up with this group- purely because of how I was feeling about my appearance.

I don't have anything to apologise for, and I certainly don't feel like rejoining the chat and explaining myself when its my DP who is at fault.

earlyrisingcat Tue 26-Feb-19 13:45:28

@SpanielEars070

Can you rejoin the chat and just say "sorry guys, i was just really upset that DP posted that photo of me, i was feeling rough and had a bit of a sense of humour failure over it".

Why on earth should she do THAT ? confused She is unhappy and upset and angry that her DH has posted a very unflattering pic of her, in a group chat, to a bunch of their friends.

It's a horrible invasion of privacy, and very intrusive, and tbh, if my partner/DH continue to do this kind of thing, (even after I explained how upset and embarrassed I was about it,) I would be seriously re-evaluating the relationship. I couldn't be with someone so disrespectful and ignorant and inconsiderate, and who thought it was funny to embarrass and humiliate me.

Seriously, the (few) posters who think the OP is overreacting, have obviously never had this done to them. It's horrible, intrusive, and cruel.

Biancadelrioisback Tue 26-Feb-19 13:42:40

Thing is, they know what you look like normally. A really good photo does not make someone pretty and a really bad photo does not make someone fat or ugly. You look how you look. I know it's hard when you're insecure (believe me!) But you can't fixate on one photo. Your DH was insensitive and is clearly being overly defensive now (because he's realised he's done wrong and embarrassed to admit that, especially publicly in front of other people?). It seems the pic can't be deleted so there isn't much you can do now other than talk to DH and explain why you are upset. If he does it again, you've got a problem.

SpanielEars070 Tue 26-Feb-19 13:32:00

Can you rejoin the chat and just say "sorry guys, i was just really upset that DP posted that photo of me, i was feeling rough and had a bit of a sense of humour failure over it".

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