DP has posted a picture of me(84 Posts)
on the group chat for our shared hobby.
He took it without me knowing, I'm recovering from a sickness bug and am in pyjamas and sitting in a very unflattering position which shows all my worst features. I look disgusting.
We were all mucking about with filters but I didn't know he was taking a picture of me or I'd have asked him not to post it or at the very least sat up/ covered up a bit. It's not my imagination - I really do look awful.
This is after I told him earlier how self conscious I was feeling about my appearance and that I hated myself.
I have left the group because I'm so bloody embarrassed and he says I'm overreacting and being petty.
AIBU to be upset?
As an aside if anyone knows how to get rid of the picture from the chat I'd be grateful, I could only see how to delete it from my copy of the thread.
Please work on your self esteem rather than directing your anger towards your husband. It is a photo on a chat, the others will have glanced at it briefly and moved on. Some may have thought “oof, that’s unflattering”, but none of them then thought “and she is an awful, ugly person”. It is just a photo on a chat. It’s not a character assassination in a national newspaper. Nobody died. This may sound harsh but you need to get some perspective.
I’d be furious too, OP!!! That’s such a massive issue.
What’s your husband self conscious of? He’ll only learn how much he’s hurt you if you deliberately play on his own insecurities
YANBU. I would be livid. DH had form for doing this for a short time a few years ago - (and several of my friends partners did it too!) AND it seems, the partners of many women on here.
My DH used to think candid pics of me were cute - even when I was 4-5 stone overweight. I looked fat and slouchy and had a double chin, and looked 10 years older. He used to take the camera outside to take pics of the cats, and he would poke the camera through the kitchen window and take 'candids' of me, and even FILM me.
I told him to stop as it's making me angry and upset. He minimised I and said I was being silly, and that I looked 'adorable.' So I started doing the same to him, and took a pic of him, hunched over, with his pot belly hanging out. That ONE pic stopped him, and he was a bit sheepish and said 'OK I get the message...'
Why do men not care? It's because men are not taught to the same extent to be so self-conscious and that physical appearance is the most important thing in life.
I do disagree with this. As I said, my DH was very unhappy and pissed off when I did it to him. I do know a few women whose men do this, even though they know their woman/partner is upset and unhappy about it. Is it some kind of weird control thing? Trying to make us feel bad about ourselves? I don't know.
Also, women don't tend to do it to their men. But I think if we did start doing it, men wouldn't like it either.
There's a similar story in the media at the moment. 'Arg' who dates Gemma Collins has uploaded a VIDEO of her snoring, onto the internet! She has apparently dumped him.
By the way, I don't think it's possible to delete a pic from a group chat. Once it's been posted, you can delete it, but all the others will have it. All you can do is ask them to delete it as you are upset your DH shared it. Expect at least one person to keep it though!
I do find a lot of men are literally blind to whether a photo is flattering or not
I think a lot of women are literally blind to to whether they look good in a photo or not.
Like pp said. Men aren’t socialised to overanalyse photos.
I very much doubt anyone on the group has given it much of a second thought. If i saw it i’d probably think nothing past poor love looks so ill.
You can’t delete posts on messenger (or WhatsApp after an hour), so to offer to delete it would have been an empty promise. I suspect he’s feeling pretty rotten about what he’s done now that he sees how upset you are. He can’t undo the damage, and that’s why he just wants to move on. It was a stupid thing to have done, but we’ve all done stupid things in our lives. As you say that he is normally a good bloke then we can hopefully rule out his actions being at all malicious but instead a very poor moment of lack of judgement.
OP, no you shouldn't have laughed it off. He's done something thoughtless and the worse part is he hasn't immediately apologised, offered to delete it and promised not to do it again. He's hurt you and is making you feel it's your fault you're upset.
YANBU. I hate having my picture taken, never post pics of myself, etc... Even before the days of social media, I used to hate if you asked someone not to take a picture of you and they carried on regardless as if it was just a laugh. I find it invasive. My brother went through a phase of videoing family all the time when we were young (trying to capture sibling arguments, embarrassing moments, etc) and that drove me nuts too.
It wasn’t very nice of him but to leave the chat was an overreaction. Sometimes in life you have to laugh at yourself - everyone has times when they look terrible. You should have laughed it off and given DH a bollocking in private.
-*however I know what he is self conscious about and would never use that as the butt of any joke and I can hand on heart say that I have never once done so since we got together.*
I would say that to him.
Can you say....
Do you realise this is like me posting to others about your big ears/small cock/premature ejeculation?
I know what he is self conscious about and would never use that as the butt of any joke
Did he use your weight / appearance as the butt of a joke?
And yes, we often make jokes at each other's expense however I know what he is self conscious about and would never use that as the butt of any joke and I can hand on heart say that I have never once done so since we got together.
He has commented on my weight in a 'jokey' way before but to be honest we usually have quite an affectionate relationship and it hasnt bothered me. It's the public nature of the humiliation and lack of apolgy that I'm upset about... as well as him being insensitive to do it just a few hours after I was struggling to even leave the house after having a wobbler about my looks.
I dont think it was necessarily meant to be intentionally cruel but it hurt and he's just trying to skim over it as if how i feel doesnt matter.
Wow that is a non-apology and a half! What an absolute wank puffin to do a thing like that.
It's not very adult but I would be sorely tempted to post the most unflattering photo of him I could take in the group and see how he fucking likes the 'bants'.
Nobody should be posting photos of people on any SM without their permission/consent. Just make sure he knows this from now on.
Thats totally not on - you dont post pictures of ANYONE who doesnt know you are going to do that. He should be ashamed of himself and remove it right away. Mans a bit of a twat - sorry
Go to the messagw on his phone hold yoir finger on the photo and it should come up with the option to delete.
I would not be happy
Isn’t this a thing at the moment? These wonderful men posting unflattering pictures of their unaware girlfriends online? A spin off from those god awful “pranking ” videos on YouTube that were so popular.
I think it’s a really twattish, bullying, immature thing to do, especially if that was his motivation.
“Really, really hammer this point home along the lines of "How would you feel if I had sent a graphic image or description of your biggest insecurities to everyone on the group chat?‘’
I would conclude the incident by doing this. You will know what his fears and insecurities are. Highlight one and invent a scenario whereby you go public with it in the group chat. Ask him if he would like you to do that and why not.
I don’t think he intended to humiliate you...but when you told him he did, he had no business telling you he didn’t.
That is really mean. Is he the sort of person (twat) that wants you to lose weight and thinks that will shame you into doing so??
Well he's apologised and he'll know not to do it again but not only should he not have done it in the first place, his initial reaction wasn't good. He may not get why you're upset but your reaction meant he'd gone too far and he should have understood that.
That’s bloody mean. I would have hated it too OP. It’s too late now as everyone will have seen it but I’d still ask him to remove it. I hope he understands what a twat he’s been now.
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