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DP has posted a picture of me

(84 Posts)
PinkTicker Mon 25-Feb-19 23:16:58

on the group chat for our shared hobby.

He took it without me knowing, I'm recovering from a sickness bug and am in pyjamas and sitting in a very unflattering position which shows all my worst features. I look disgusting.

We were all mucking about with filters but I didn't know he was taking a picture of me or I'd have asked him not to post it or at the very least sat up/ covered up a bit. It's not my imagination - I really do look awful.

This is after I told him earlier how self conscious I was feeling about my appearance and that I hated myself.

I have left the group because I'm so bloody embarrassed and he says I'm overreacting and being petty.

AIBU to be upset?

As an aside if anyone knows how to get rid of the picture from the chat I'd be grateful, I could only see how to delete it from my copy of the thread.

Pumpkintopf Mon 25-Feb-19 23:18:09

What app was he using? As he posted the picture he should be able to delete it.

That was unkind of him, he should have checked with you before posting.

minesthecutest Mon 25-Feb-19 23:19:03

That's not ok at all, I am very self conscious of myself and hate my photos so if my dp had done that to me id be devastated and so upset.
I think if it's WhatsApp the sender can delete the pic but not after a certain amount of minutes have passed

SemperIdem Mon 25-Feb-19 23:20:33

In what context did he post it?

Making fun of you? Telling people in the group how ill you are?

I do find a lot of men are literally blind to whether a photo is flattering or not.

My dad is like this. Massive fan of “natural” shots. I am reminded of my ability to look like Quasimodo every time he manages to get a photo of me. He thinks they’re lovely. My ex was much the same. hmm

pictish Mon 25-Feb-19 23:22:14

Why did he post it?

Yanbu btw...I would hate this.

Cranky17 Mon 25-Feb-19 23:23:31

If it’s whats app he can delete it although I think it will only delete if they are running the same version.

GrapesAndCheese Mon 25-Feb-19 23:25:02

We need a bit more context here OP. What do you mean you were messing about with filters?

I wouldn't like this either though and neither would DP. But I've seen similar posts on SM of someone's DP/whatever asleep on the sofa or looking in some way bedraggled, so obviously in some relationships it's seen as mutually okay to do it.

PinkTicker Mon 25-Feb-19 23:29:08

He posted it because lots of others were doing so with silly filters on, but his was the only one featuring an actual person along with the filter. The rest were mainly location shots with filters applied.

The filter and the caption would have been funny, had the photo not been so blatantly awful. Its not just a case of slightly unflattering and he didnt realise, it is really really bad.

Aside from that, I think he should have acknowledged that he made a mistake and apologised for upsetting me, but now he's trying to blame me for being petty about it and I really dont think I am.

Its a facebook messenger chat and there doesnt appear to be a way of removing the photo which everyone will have seen now anyway.

SemperIdem Mon 25-Feb-19 23:34:08

To be clear - yanbu and he should at least apologise for doing something thoughtless which has upset you.

Try and take heart from the fact these are people you know who know what you usually look like. They’ll give the photo less thought than you will. I totally get why you’re upset and I would be too.

AtrociousCircumstance Mon 25-Feb-19 23:36:13

He needs to delete it, at your request. Otherwise he’s being a childish twat. You’re his partner, you feel exposed and embarrassed - that should matter to him. He owes you an apology.

LizB62A Mon 25-Feb-19 23:37:04

He can delete it but the stupid WhatsApp delete function only deletes from everyone in the thread if you do it within an hour of posting it

LizB62A Mon 25-Feb-19 23:37:43

Ah, just seen that it's FB messenger, not WhatsApp - sorry!

Bezalelle Mon 25-Feb-19 23:39:24

Gemma?

Catinthetwat Mon 25-Feb-19 23:41:11

Yanbu. Not apologizing is awful. You're not being petty at all and to say that to avoid apologizing is terrible. flowers

Kneehigim Mon 25-Feb-19 23:42:57

I look like Ozzie Osborne in most photos, so I would go absolutely batshit. I'm not surprised you left the group.
He's an idiot. And I don't believe he's blind to aesthetics either.

onlyjustmillenial Mon 25-Feb-19 23:42:57

YANBU, this would make me feel so sad.
But to echo what someone else has said, my DP thinks all photos of me are great no matter how awful I look in reality 🙄 he just doesn't see it. But he should have apologized when he saw how upset you are and it was mean to do it without your knowledge

pictish Mon 25-Feb-19 23:46:48

Social media is evil for this. People being able to post pictures of you all over the fucking shop...pictures that you definitely don’t want doing the rounds for whatever reason. You get no say.

pictish Mon 25-Feb-19 23:49:21

I’m sure he didn’t mean any harm...but rather than argue he’d do better to accept he made a gaff and apologise.

Fiveletters Mon 25-Feb-19 23:51:17

I’d be livid.
I’ve just tried but I can’t see how to delete a pic in Facebook messenger sad

Kneehigim Mon 25-Feb-19 23:57:35

The person who posted it can edit/delete, but I'm pretty sure everyone will still be able to see it. Sorry OP. I know how I'd be feeling if it was me.

Iflyaway Tue 26-Feb-19 00:08:49

but now he's trying to blame me for being petty about it hmm

In other words, put up or shut up?

Fuck that!

PinkTicker Tue 26-Feb-19 00:11:21

He's asleep and I've just been on his phone to try and get rid of it from his end but there doesn't seem to be a way of doing it.

I feel like a complete twat. I'm self conscious about my looks and my weight and he knows that. If it had been a normal picture of me then I would still have felt self conscious but wouldn't be so upset. This is a triple chinned giant rolls of flab showing nightmare.

And no, my name isn't Gemma, Bezalelle.

DoJo Tue 26-Feb-19 00:12:14

You can remove a picture in FB messenger, either in the app, by highlighting the image and selecting remove when the option pops up, or on FB itself by clicking the dots next to the image and selecting 'remove'.

You can remove a twat like this from your life by telling them to have a bit of fucking respect, not use you as the butt of their pathetic jokes and acknowledge when they've acted poorly instead of pretending it's somehow your problem. He sounds like a prize bellend - I'd be furious in your shoes, but if it's any consolation I'd think he was a prick if I was one of the others in the chat as well - it reflects far more on him than it does on you.

PinkTicker Tue 26-Feb-19 00:23:18

Thanks DoJo as far as I can tell, doing that only removes the photo from my copy of the conversation (or his, if I was to do it on his phone) but it would still be there on everyone else's copy of the conversation.

It's done now anyway, all the active members will have seen it.

I'm so fucked off. I don't lack a sense of humour and if he'd warned me and let me at least shift to a more flattering angle I'd probably have laughed along with it. And he's not one of those who has rose tinted glasses and would have thought I looked great or even ok which is what makes it even worse.

There are things he is self conscious of and Inwould never intentionally make him feel bad about them publically like this, and if I did so accidentally I would acknowledge his feelings and be genuinely sorry, not turn it around on him for being "pathetic".

NunoGoncalves Tue 26-Feb-19 00:36:43

I do find a lot of men are literally blind to whether a photo is flattering or not

It's because men are not taught to the same extent to be so self-conscious and that physical appearance is the most important thing in life.

BTW OP on whatsapp when you delete a message you can choose whether you want to delete it just on your device or for everyone in the group. Just for future reference since you said everyone's seen it now anyway.

NunoGoncalves Tue 26-Feb-19 00:37:09

Oh I just saw you're on FB messenger, sorry.

SemperIdem Tue 26-Feb-19 01:05:36

Nail on the head there Nuno.

BlankTimes Tue 26-Feb-19 01:16:02

There are things he is self conscious of and Inwould never intentionally make him feel bad about them publically like this, and if I did so accidentally I would acknowledge his feelings and be genuinely sorry, not turn it around on him for being "pathetic

Really, really hammer this point home along the lines of "How would you feel if I had sent a graphic image or description of your biggest insecurities to everyone on the group chat?

EKGEMS Tue 26-Feb-19 01:18:08

Take a picture of him asleep then OP capturing his bald spot or flabby tummy then post it see how pathetic he acts about unflattering photos on the internet!

PinkTicker Tue 26-Feb-19 10:40:20

He's just said "sorry" via text. And said that nobody in the chat cares... as if that's supposed to reassuure me.

I care and he knows that.

Chamomileteaplease Tue 26-Feb-19 10:45:35

He sounds very insensitive, mean spirited and a bully.

I hope he isn't normally like this.

TwitterQueen1 Tue 26-Feb-19 10:57:32

He's the twat OP. He should be apologising profusely and publicly.

Gemma whatsherface threw her bloke out of the house for publishing a photo of her sleeping. I am 100% with her on this. It's a massive invasion of privacy - and that's putting it mildly.

downcasteyes Tue 26-Feb-19 11:12:57

At some point, he made the decision here to post an unflattering picture of you for laughs. He valued his status in the group more than your right to dignity. You're right to be hopping mad. This is a trust issue, especially as you'd already told him you were experiencing some issues with your body.

You are not being pathetic. He is.

ReanimatedSGB Tue 26-Feb-19 11:17:14

What is his treatment of you like in general, though? Is this a generally kind man who occasionally doesn't think stuff through, or is he one of those who makes a lot of jokes at your expense, or criticises your appearance on the grounds that he's being 'honest'?

GreatDuckCookery6211 Tue 26-Feb-19 11:18:03

That’s bloody mean. I would have hated it too OP. It’s too late now as everyone will have seen it but I’d still ask him to remove it. I hope he understands what a twat he’s been now.

cakecakecheese Tue 26-Feb-19 11:21:59

Well he's apologised and he'll know not to do it again but not only should he not have done it in the first place, his initial reaction wasn't good. He may not get why you're upset but your reaction meant he'd gone too far and he should have understood that.

Holidayshopping Tue 26-Feb-19 11:23:22

That is really mean. Is he the sort of person (twat) that wants you to lose weight and thinks that will shame you into doing so??

pictish Tue 26-Feb-19 11:40:06

“Really, really hammer this point home along the lines of "How would you feel if I had sent a graphic image or description of your biggest insecurities to everyone on the group chat?‘’

I would conclude the incident by doing this. You will know what his fears and insecurities are. Highlight one and invent a scenario whereby you go public with it in the group chat. Ask him if he would like you to do that and why not.

I don’t think he intended to humiliate you...but when you told him he did, he had no business telling you he didn’t.

AngelsSins Tue 26-Feb-19 11:41:09

Isn’t this a thing at the moment? These wonderful men posting unflattering pictures of their unaware girlfriends online? A spin off from those god awful “pranking ” videos on YouTube that were so popular.

I think it’s a really twattish, bullying, immature thing to do, especially if that was his motivation.

Whisky2014 Tue 26-Feb-19 11:45:19

Go to the messagw on his phone hold yoir finger on the photo and it should come up with the option to delete.

I would not be happy

Purplecatshopaholic Tue 26-Feb-19 11:50:10

Thats totally not on - you dont post pictures of ANYONE who doesnt know you are going to do that. He should be ashamed of himself and remove it right away. Mans a bit of a twat - sorry

Bochym Tue 26-Feb-19 11:52:12

At least you had your clothes on!

kaitlinktm Tue 26-Feb-19 11:56:07

Nobody should be posting photos of people on any SM without their permission/consent. Just make sure he knows this from now on.

Damntheman Tue 26-Feb-19 12:01:29

Wow that is a non-apology and a half! What an absolute wank puffin to do a thing like that.

It's not very adult but I would be sorely tempted to post the most unflattering photo of him I could take in the group and see how he fucking likes the 'bants'.

Mmmmbrekkie Tue 26-Feb-19 12:06:19

Who needs enemies when...

PinkTicker Tue 26-Feb-19 12:18:51

He has commented on my weight in a 'jokey' way before but to be honest we usually have quite an affectionate relationship and it hasnt bothered me. It's the public nature of the humiliation and lack of apolgy that I'm upset about... as well as him being insensitive to do it just a few hours after I was struggling to even leave the house after having a wobbler about my looks.

I dont think it was necessarily meant to be intentionally cruel but it hurt and he's just trying to skim over it as if how i feel doesnt matter.

PinkTicker Tue 26-Feb-19 12:20:26

And yes, we often make jokes at each other's expense however I know what he is self conscious about and would never use that as the butt of any joke and I can hand on heart say that I have never once done so since we got together.

QuimReaper Tue 26-Feb-19 12:26:55

I know what he is self conscious about and would never use that as the butt of any joke

Did he use your weight / appearance as the butt of a joke?

Holidayshopping Tue 26-Feb-19 12:33:07

-*however I know what he is self conscious about and would never use that as the butt of any joke and I can hand on heart say that I have never once done so since we got together.*

I would say that to him.

Can you say....

Do you realise this is like me posting to others about your big ears/small cock/premature ejeculation?

LookAtThatCritter Tue 26-Feb-19 12:49:17

It wasn’t very nice of him but to leave the chat was an overreaction. Sometimes in life you have to laugh at yourself - everyone has times when they look terrible. You should have laughed it off and given DH a bollocking in private.

Passing4Human Tue 26-Feb-19 12:53:03

YANBU. I hate having my picture taken, never post pics of myself, etc... Even before the days of social media, I used to hate if you asked someone not to take a picture of you and they carried on regardless as if it was just a laugh. I find it invasive. My brother went through a phase of videoing family all the time when we were young (trying to capture sibling arguments, embarrassing moments, etc) and that drove me nuts too.

MakeItAmazing Tue 26-Feb-19 12:54:51

OP, no you shouldn't have laughed it off. He's done something thoughtless and the worse part is he hasn't immediately apologised, offered to delete it and promised not to do it again. He's hurt you and is making you feel it's your fault you're upset.

Jaxtellerswife Tue 26-Feb-19 12:58:59

@Bezalelle gringringringrinI thought the same

3out Tue 26-Feb-19 13:01:34

You can’t delete posts on messenger (or WhatsApp after an hour), so to offer to delete it would have been an empty promise. I suspect he’s feeling pretty rotten about what he’s done now that he sees how upset you are. He can’t undo the damage, and that’s why he just wants to move on. It was a stupid thing to have done, but we’ve all done stupid things in our lives. As you say that he is normally a good bloke then we can hopefully rule out his actions being at all malicious but instead a very poor moment of lack of judgement.

GabriellaMontez Tue 26-Feb-19 13:02:26

Is he 15?

What a mean thing to do.

Micah Tue 26-Feb-19 13:11:27

I do find a lot of men are literally blind to whether a photo is flattering or not

I think a lot of women are literally blind to to whether they look good in a photo or not.

Like pp said. Men aren’t socialised to overanalyse photos.

I very much doubt anyone on the group has given it much of a second thought. If i saw it i’d probably think nothing past poor love looks so ill.

earlyrisingcat Tue 26-Feb-19 13:15:58

@PinkTicker

YANBU. I would be livid. DH had form for doing this for a short time a few years ago - (and several of my friends partners did it too!) AND it seems, the partners of many women on here.

My DH used to think candid pics of me were cute - even when I was 4-5 stone overweight. I looked fat and slouchy and had a double chin, and looked 10 years older. He used to take the camera outside to take pics of the cats, and he would poke the camera through the kitchen window and take 'candids' of me, and even FILM me. hmm

I told him to stop as it's making me angry and upset. He minimised I and said I was being silly, and that I looked 'adorable.' hmm So I started doing the same to him, and took a pic of him, hunched over, with his pot belly hanging out. That ONE pic stopped him, and he was a bit sheepish and said 'OK I get the message...' sad

Why do men not care? It's because men are not taught to the same extent to be so self-conscious and that physical appearance is the most important thing in life.

I do disagree with this. As I said, my DH was very unhappy and pissed off when I did it to him. I do know a few women whose men do this, even though they know their woman/partner is upset and unhappy about it. Is it some kind of weird control thing? Trying to make us feel bad about ourselves? I don't know.

Also, women don't tend to do it to their men. But I think if we did start doing it, men wouldn't like it either.

There's a similar story in the media at the moment. 'Arg' who dates Gemma Collins has uploaded a VIDEO of her snoring, onto the internet! She has apparently dumped him.

www.dailystar.co.uk/showbiz/762056/gemma-collins-snoring-video-twitter-james-argent-split-gc

By the way, I don't think it's possible to delete a pic from a group chat. Once it's been posted, you can delete it, but all the others will have it. All you can do is ask them to delete it as you are upset your DH shared it. Expect at least one person to keep it though!

Lostwithoutdirections Tue 26-Feb-19 13:16:20

I’d be furious too, OP!!! That’s such a massive issue.

What’s your husband self conscious of? He’ll only learn how much he’s hurt you if you deliberately play on his own insecurities

JessieMcJessie Tue 26-Feb-19 13:27:29

Please work on your self esteem rather than directing your anger towards your husband. It is a photo on a chat, the others will have glanced at it briefly and moved on. Some may have thought “oof, that’s unflattering”, but none of them then thought “and she is an awful, ugly person”. It is just a photo on a chat. It’s not a character assassination in a national newspaper. Nobody died. This may sound harsh but you need to get some perspective.

SpanielEars070 Tue 26-Feb-19 13:32:00

Can you rejoin the chat and just say "sorry guys, i was just really upset that DP posted that photo of me, i was feeling rough and had a bit of a sense of humour failure over it".

Biancadelrioisback Tue 26-Feb-19 13:42:40

Thing is, they know what you look like normally. A really good photo does not make someone pretty and a really bad photo does not make someone fat or ugly. You look how you look. I know it's hard when you're insecure (believe me!) But you can't fixate on one photo. Your DH was insensitive and is clearly being overly defensive now (because he's realised he's done wrong and embarrassed to admit that, especially publicly in front of other people?). It seems the pic can't be deleted so there isn't much you can do now other than talk to DH and explain why you are upset. If he does it again, you've got a problem.

earlyrisingcat Tue 26-Feb-19 13:45:28

@SpanielEars070

Can you rejoin the chat and just say "sorry guys, i was just really upset that DP posted that photo of me, i was feeling rough and had a bit of a sense of humour failure over it".

Why on earth should she do THAT ? confused She is unhappy and upset and angry that her DH has posted a very unflattering pic of her, in a group chat, to a bunch of their friends.

It's a horrible invasion of privacy, and very intrusive, and tbh, if my partner/DH continue to do this kind of thing, (even after I explained how upset and embarrassed I was about it,) I would be seriously re-evaluating the relationship. I couldn't be with someone so disrespectful and ignorant and inconsiderate, and who thought it was funny to embarrass and humiliate me.

Seriously, the (few) posters who think the OP is overreacting, have obviously never had this done to them. It's horrible, intrusive, and cruel.

PinkTicker Tue 26-Feb-19 14:01:30

@SpanielEars070

I didn't have a sense of humour failure though. I'm perfectly able to laugh at myself and have done so within that group of people, with my partner, and with others.

I don't think being upset at such public humiliation counts as a sense of humour failure, especially given that earlier in the evening I had explicitly said I was having trouble even leaving the house to meet up with this group- purely because of how I was feeling about my appearance.

I don't have anything to apologise for, and I certainly don't feel like rejoining the chat and explaining myself when its my DP who is at fault.

earlyrisingcat Tue 26-Feb-19 14:10:15

Exactly what I said @PinkTicker ^

TwitterQueen1 Tue 26-Feb-19 14:19:09

Wow angry
JessieMcJessie - you don't think the OP should be angry with her DH
and
SpanielEars070 - you think the OP should apologise .

FFS. You're the ones who need to work on your self-esteem. Not the OP. Do you seriously think this is an OK thing to do?

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie Tue 26-Feb-19 14:28:26

I think you are overreacting! It's just a photo. Why do you care what people think? They certainly won't think twice about it.

earlyrisingcat Tue 26-Feb-19 14:38:26

If it's upsetting the OP, then she is NOT overreacting! hmm

Stop minimising this awful intrusive behaviour.

NOTHING is 'trivial' if it's upsetting you. FFS hmm

I hate this bullshit mindset, that just because ONE person is not upset about something; anyone else who IS upset, is silly or childish or 'overreacting.' Not everyone is the same FGS.

Mitzimaybe Tue 26-Feb-19 14:44:15

My BIL and SIL often post pictures of each other drunk / sleeping / looking awful. We don't. My DH knows that I would hate it. If he did that and then minimised and failed to apologise, it would honestly be grounds to LTB on the grounds of his total lack of respect for my feelings.

Your DH knew that you were feeling extremely insecure about your appearance and he chose that exact moment to post a photo of you looking at your absolute worst. I would find it very, very hard to forgive that.

WinnieFosterTether Tue 26-Feb-19 14:52:54

So he texted to say sorry. Are you happy with his apology? Will you miss being part of the messenger group?
You're perfectly entitled to be angry but I'd think about what will make it better for you so you can make it clear to DH. Then, I'd think about whether I wanted to rejoin the group because it's of benefit to me. I wouldn't cut myself off from a group I liked because DH had been an insensitive arse.

PinkTicker Tue 26-Feb-19 15:12:30

Your DH knew that you were feeling extremely insecure about your appearance and he chose that exact moment to post a photo of you looking at your absolute worst. I would find it very, very hard to forgive that.

This is exactly why I'm upset. I feel he has conpletely disregarded how I'm feeling about myself and gone ahead with this to get a laugh at my expense.

I'm glad he has at least apologised, even if only put of courtesy. Ive gone through with him exactly why I was so upset and I hope he wont do it again.

As for rejoining the chat, I'm not ready to do that yet but I wont stay away forever.

HavelockVetinari Tue 26-Feb-19 15:19:44

He deliberately humiliated you. What a cruel thing to do, there's no way he didn't realise how it would make you feel.

I'm honestly not sure how I'd get past something like that - not the act itself, but the deliberate intention to hurt you.

myusernamewastakenbyme Tue 26-Feb-19 16:12:35

My ex did this to me a few years ago...and sent it to his whatsapp work group chat....i was livid and made him crawl over hot coals before i forgave him...
I also have a friend who thinks its amusing to take pics of me even though she knows i hate it.....then in the pub she whips her phone out and shows everybody....really really fucks me off !!!

Dimsumlosesum Tue 26-Feb-19 16:15:19

What is he, 12? I'd be pissed off too op.

SpanielEars070 Tue 26-Feb-19 16:21:48

Sorry I didn't word that very well - I meant so that they were aware that he'd done it and you're upset about it.

I didn't mean that you should apologise for one second flowers

Lightofday Tue 26-Feb-19 16:24:11

The fact that you had just mentioned you were feeling self conscious and he then posts an obviously unflattering picture... Smacks of deliberate and spiteful intent if you ask me. And then the whole 'you're over reacting' crap... tell me, is he prone to being a manipulative gaslighting wankstain? Or is this a mysterious one off? (Doubt it).

Here the thing, there are certain sorts of ppl that stomp on you, when you expose your weakness to them. It isn't normal behaviour from someone who loves you. It is behaviour of a asshole, with issues,who only cares about himself. So if he knows it was a bad pic and deliberately posted it when you were at a low point,just to rub it in..then you got bigger problems with him than just that. The fact that he falls into a cluster b personality type could very well be one of them. Certainly low on empathy and nasty little boy at least.

Assuming he didn't think the pic was flattering and it was actually a misguided effort to get you compliments that is. But it doesn't sound like this is the case.

PinkTicker Tue 26-Feb-19 16:26:04

Ah ok Spaniel I get you now. I thought about that too but on the other hand I don't want to draw any more attention to it... intend to slide back in discreetly when I've calmed down.

moosesormeece Tue 26-Feb-19 16:27:55

I saw a picture yesterday on Linked In of a very scarcely clothed woman in hospital who had just given birth. Someone had taken a photo of her partner with the new baby, and she was in the background. He'd sent it to work. His work had posted it on Linked In with a congratulations message. Someone I am connected with liked it, and so it came up on my feed. I have no idea who this man or his partner are, I have no dealings with the company he works for, the person who 'liked' it is only a very casual acquaintance, and yet this appeared on my computer in the middle of the working day. I can't imagine she's pleased about it - I certainly wouldn't be.

I'm not opposed to social media but I really don't think people think hard enough about what they're doing with it.

CoraPirbright Tue 26-Feb-19 16:58:51

he made the decision here to post an unflattering picture of you for laughs. He valued his status in the group more than your right to dignity.

Downcasteyes puts it perfectly. He is a twat and some serious grovelling is in order (the sort that he actually means)

earlyrisingcat Tue 26-Feb-19 17:51:00

@Lightofday

The fact that you had just mentioned you were feeling self conscious and he then posts an obviously unflattering picture... Smacks of deliberate and spiteful intent if you ask me. And then the whole 'you're over reacting' crap... tell me, is he prone to being a manipulative gaslighting wankstain? Or is this a mysterious one off? (Doubt it).

Here the thing, there are certain sorts of ppl that stomp on you, when you expose your weakness to them. It isn't normal behaviour from someone who loves you. It is behaviour of a asshole, with issues,who only cares about himself. So if he knows it was a bad pic and deliberately posted it when you were at a low point,just to rub it in..then you got bigger problems with him than just that. The fact that he falls into a cluster b personality type could very well be one of them. Certainly low on empathy and nasty little boy at least.

I agree with this. Regrettably, this is a trait in some men (not all.) Negging and gaslighting, and chipping away at your confidence. He grinds you down, makes you feel low, and makes sure you are kept in your place, and feel grateful that he is with you. It's a nasty little game that some men play to keep their woman in her place.

To take pics of you when you are not looking your best, and you feel like shit (and feel you LOOK like shit,) and then post them online, is a nasty thing to do, and shows (IMO, and it seems in the opinion of many others) that he is trying to make you feel insecure.

Not a nice trait, not a nice way to behave, and not a nice way to treat someone you supposedly love.

PinkTicker Tue 26-Feb-19 17:53:24

I'm now thinking it might be worth showing him this thread so he stops bloody minimising how I feel and can see other peiple would react the same.

2birds1stone Tue 26-Feb-19 18:25:37

I have found that when someone feels bad about an action or something they have said they try to pass the blame back onto the person it affected to they feel less guilty and because they don't know how to deal with what they have done... a knee jerk reaction if you like.

Be probably does realise you are upset but just doesn't know how to apologise properly or doesn't want to admit he was wrong.

Lostwithoutdirections Tue 26-Feb-19 19:57:30

I keep thinking of this thread!! It’s so upsetting OP.

I have lots of sympathy. DH took a photo of me in hospital after DC1 was born. I’m naked in the hospital bed with a tiny newborn in the nook of my arm. I look totally happy and woozy. Fuck knows why he took the photo.

A week later, my DSis and BIL came to stay. DH decided to project some lovely new baby photos from his phone onto the freaking massive tv screen. He scrolled through happily, landing on the fucking awful naked one. And not only was there 1 photo, but a fucking burst of them. Impossible to get off the screen quickly.

I was mortified!!!!! Still am

Lightofday Tue 26-Feb-19 23:26:33

earlyrisingcat to be fair some women are capable if exactly the sane nastiness too. I don't think its a gender thing. Its an asshole thing. If you ever have a narcissistic female 'friend' (before you cotton on) you will see the same behaviour from them too. I think there was a prior poster in here mentioned about a girl mate she has that does similar for example. Stepping on other ppls self esteem to make themselves feel big. Worlds full of these jackasses.

CoraPirbright Wed 27-Feb-19 08:48:51

I'm now thinking it might be worth showing him this thread so he stops bloody minimising how I feel and can see other peiple would react the same.

Usually the advice is not to show people threads but in this instance I think I would.

So, to OP’s ‘D’P: I hope you feel proud of yourself. The person you are supposed to love most in the world is mortified. You have embarrassed her horribly, taking advantage of her insecurities for cheap laughs from a bunch of acquaintances. You are supposed to care for her and have her back - not purposefully display what she feels bad about for your own advantage. And then to try and minimise her hurt when you are called out on it? Really and truly horrible behaviour. Take the damn picture down and fucking apologise properly.

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