To think this mum is a bit of a CF?

[LadyAurelia]

A couple of months ago a mum at my children's school asked if I would mind picking her 2 kids up from school the following day and take them back to my house while she accompanied her husband to a hospital appointment. On this occasion she caught me on the hop, ambushing me on the way home from school, so I agreed, thinking I was doing her a favour and that it would not turn out to be a regular thing.

This lady lives quite close to me. She also has relatives living next door to her. I have 4 young children of my own, so I essentially ended up a house full of 6 kids aged 8 and under. They were quite raucous while they were here, basically trashed our playroom, pulling toys out, throwing crayons everywhere. They were here about two hours. It was a huge relief when the mum came to pick them up.

Anyway, I thought that would be the end of it, but a few weeks later I received a text, asking if once again I could pick the kids up the following day as husband had another appointment.

Today I received yet another text from her this afternoon, saying her husband has a check-up tomorrow. She is not going to the hospital with him but she needs to leave the house by a certain time, so she has asked if she can bring the kids round again if her husband is not back by that time. I have said I will because I don't want to make some excuse up.

AIBU to think this is overstepping the line? I struggle to tolerate my own kids at the best of times (!) but I have little interest in other people's children. I think it's a bit cheeky that I have never being given more than 24 hours notice. Plus, they would have known about these appointments at least 2 weeks beforehand. I attend hospital regularly for myself and my children, and if I am given an inconvenient appointment time (which is usually the case) I ring up and change it. I know that her husband's appointments are just standard outpatient ones. Are they keeping these appointments in the knowledge that if they leave it as late as possible to ask me, I will find it hard to say no? What would she do if I did say no? I am a SAHM so she knows I am generally around most of the time so do you think I am being taken advantage of? God knows why they aren't asking the relatives next door.

I don't want to rock the boat as her kids are in the same class as two of mine, but nor do I want to keep being her go-to source of free childcare. Any ideas on how to tackle this?

[ZigZagIntoTheBlue]

Just say it isn't convenient, no idea why you're saying yes while thinking no!

[OhioOhioOhio]

'that won't work for me'.

[SnuggyBuggy]

You need to start saying no. Just say it doesn't work for you

[dinkydolphin]

I don't feel one bit of sympathy for you. She's not being a CF because you are saying yes.

Stand up for yourself and say no if you don't want to do it.

Does nobody have a back bone anymore?

[SparkiePolastri]

Come on OP - you don't have to say yes.

'Sorry, we can't help today, hope you find someone who can'.

It's pretty simple - and you actually won't be put in the sticks for saying 'no'.

[ILiveInSalemsLot]

Just say ‘sorry I can’t help out tomorrow. Hope you get it sorted’
Who said you have to make an excuse up? You don’t owe explanations or excuses.

[SparkiePolastri]

Are they keeping these appointments in the knowledge that if they leave it as late as possible to ask me, I will find it hard to say no?

And clearly that'd be an 'um - yeah'?!

So it's on you to just say 'no'.

[JeezOhGeeWhizz]

You've already said yes so it's too late now. Next time, be ready for her and say; no it doesn't work for you.

[TitsAndTomatoes]

You're a massive, MASSIVE doormat.

[sequinafortune]

If you want to be polite you can soften the no with a sorry, but I wouldn't!
'No can do I'm afraid CF mum, hope you find someone, toodles!'
don't give a reason. Never give a reason. This bit is important.
Smile while you say it, and disengage.
Job done!

[Jamhandprints]

No, I don't think she's taking advantage. She's just asking. It may be because she trusts you, admires your parenting and thinks her kids will be safe/have fun at yours. She may have 10 other people on her list to ask if you say "no". Or she may just not accompany her DH if you say "no". Not the end of the world .
I think you are being unreasonable to not say "no" if you don't want to help her out. Also, I think it is ok to help people sometimes. Now if you are caught out, ie stuck at home with 2 spewing kids, you can call her and ask her if she can pick up the other two from school. This is just normal social interaction.

[Hollowvictory]

Well why are you saying yes??? She's not cheeky, she's asked, you've said yes. You can choose to say no. But you didn't.

[user1493413286]

Just say no; I don’t think she is being cheeky really as based on you agreeing before she obviously thinks it’s ok

[sonjadog]

You keep saying yes, so she thinks it is okay to ask. You can't expect her to read your mind. You need to start saying no. If she pushes then, yes, she might be a CF, but as it is, she's just someone asking someone else for help that they appear to be willing to give.

[KarenBeck]

It's hard but you need to be firm and put an end to this. She obviously thinks it's a regular arrangement and will put on you more and more. I had a similar situation where it became a weekly occurrence and the mum started picking up later and later.
We eventually had a big fall out and I wish I had nipped it in the bud earlier. It takes courage but worth sorting out now rather than the situation escalating.

[ButDoYouAvocado]

Just say you can't. I'm not really sure what the issue is here?

[HoustonBess]

Say no, it was really stressful last time.

Reminds me of this piece on asking culture vs guessing culture - some people find it reasonable to ask for anything without thinking they'll cause offence, others think it's rude to even think of asking as it creates obligation

www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/340891/

[StarCutterCookie]

How many times do we need to see the same thread?

F me

[Al2O3]

Your boat is already rocked. Counterbalance it. Push back.

[gamerchick]

Look you need to stop this now. There's probably a really good reason they dont ask their relatives.... As in they've dried that well up.

If you really can't back out now, next time she asks. Say no you can't and you hope she gets it sorted. No 'sorry' no excuses to why. Just no you can't and repeat as much as necessary.

Honestly the hardest time is the first time. It does get easier to say no.

[SerendipityReally]

You are giving this far too much headspace. Just say no. Do not justify, don't write more than one very short sentence.

[NCforthis2019]

Nah. You’re allowing her to be a CF so you take the blame as much as she does. Sorry OP.

[Drum2018]

SAHM's need to learn the word NO. I'm primarily a SAHM (work a few hours at home) and I've been asked to mind kids over the years. I have made a conscious decision to say no, having read many threads on MN about CF's.

You don't need an excuse to say no. You simply text 'that is not an option' or 'no, I can't help out - my hands are absolutely full with my own 4'

[StinkyCandle]

She is not over stepping anything, she is asking. Just say no.

I have 4 of my own, and 2 more don't make much difference to me, so I get why she might think it's easier for you than it would be for someone with a smaller family. Still ok for you to decline.

Asking someone is not being a CF!

It's not your problem what she will do if you say no, she might ask some relatives or other friends, or stay home until her DH comes back. Who cares. Again, she is not telling you, she is asking. Normal adults just decline when it's not convenient. Such a non story.