To think OH isn't careful enough with the baby?(149 Posts)
MNHQ have commented on this thread.
My little boy is 10 months old. He's just started crawling and pulling himself up and is into everything. I'm still on maternity leave so spend all day with him.
My OH works long hours but has adjusted his day so that he can be home for an hour or so to see the baby before bedtime. Great! Apart from over the last few weeks this hour before bed has just become a mad house. OH rough houses and tosses the baby around like he's a rugby ball. In the past week the baby has had two nose bleeds, one from head banging with OH and one from being dropped. Just tonight while I was tidying up in the kitchen (having five minutes peace!) the baby has screamed.... When I've gone in to see what's happened OH says he hit his head on a toy. He hits his head a lot during the day but never hard enough to scream. OH won't let me take him, calms him down and I leave the room, less than five minutes later the baby is screaming again apparently this time because he's hit the cupboard.
I just feel like I can't trust my OH to spend time with him alone. He's so rough with him and doesn't seem to understand that he's not old enough for the kind of energetic playing OH is used to doing with his (older) nieces and nephews.
It doesn't help that it's just before bed, he's tired and a bit cranky and my OH is trying to make up for all the hours he's missed while he is at work.
Am I being unreasonable or should I expect my OH to listen to me and dial it back a bit, play more gently and try and prevent any more injuries?
Yanbu - the hour before bed needs to be calm, read a bedtime story with him kind of time, not tickle fights and chucking around. Alarming that he is hurting him and not letting you comfort him either
You need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him when ds is in bed!
Ffs - is he an idiot? Nosebleeds?
Of course YANBU.
Please, please, please stop your OH from doing this with your LO. What is wrong with LO, can't he see he is hurting his son?!?
This is not the actions of a loving, caring parent
Accidents happen but that does sound like a lot of injuries in a short space of time. Do you think he'd listen if you spoke to him again?
I'm sorry to say it, but this sounds more like abuse than carelessness to me.
It is absolutely not normal to cause this many injuries to a little baby.
My ds is 10months also and I cringed as I read about nose bleeds. Oh my word.
My ds has had the odd head bump from crawling head down at speed towards a wall, turning his head too fast by a table, that sort of thing. When they have happened we have felt awful for not catching him in time.
I can't fathom how your Dh would continue to rough house after the first time.
Could you hv intervene? Why doesn't he let you comfort the baby? I find that really worrying.
Christ, i'd have had a meltdown at him. Sort him out or get him out. Thats not normal.
What?! Your DH has dropped the baby and banged heads with him resulting in 2 nosebleeds yet continues to still play rough with him and fail to supervise him properly when he’s pulling himself up on furniture?! Of course YANBU, until your DH proves he’s not a threat to your DS’s safety, and it would take a lot to convince me of that based on your post, I would not leave him alone with the baby. Like not at all, even to go to the loo. And I’d definitely be questioning the relationship. This is not normal, it’s not ok, and you need to protect your son from him.
Jesus Christ. He dropped him as well and he doesn't take more care as a result? Wtf is wrong with him? I would be scared to even turn my back with such a careless idiot in the house. What does he say when you try to talk to him about it?
I’d be careful OP. Social services will be all over you if your baby is seen to suffer reoccurring injuries. It’s not normal and your OH is at best, fucking idiotic. At worse, abusive.
Out of interest, do you see all these injuries happen? Or do they tend to occur when you’re not in the room?
That isn't normal. Once is maybe an accident but not this many times in a short period
This isn’t just ‘careless’. It’s appalling. You need to step in and stop this behaviour before your poor baby has an even more serious injury. Immediately.
He's an absolute idiot. Your poor baby, I can see him being seriously injured if you don't put a stop to this madness.
You need to say something to him ASAP because these injuries are unacceptable.
Surely he should know that this type of boisterous play isn't appropriate for a 10mo?
And I wouldn't have hesitated to lay down the law to DH if he was behaving like this. But then, I'm not scared of him and he actually listens to me. Are your scared of him?
My god your baby is tiny, what the hell is wrong with your partner? You need to put your foot down op. This needs to stop.
At 10mo they are constantly bumping their heads, accidentally of course. What your DP is doing is not accidental. I would be having a serious word with him if I were you. But I have a feeling he won't like hearing it.
Did he actually.drop him or did he fall? I have 3 dcs and no-one has ever dropped any of them! How did it happen?
I've reread your OP and am really concerned that it always seems to be happening when you are out the room.
I'd be setting up a nanny cam to see what happens next time you have to step out of the room. Accident or not?
Maybe I've used the wrong word with dropped. He fell off the edge of the bed and OH said he had hold of him but that he just wriggled free.
It's definitely not purposeful or abuse.... OH just thinks they're having fun. His whole family is like this, they wrestle and get each other in headlocks etC. I find it all a bit bizarre, it's just so different to how my family are.
I will definitely talk to him about it again. Last time he said I was just being overly anxious.
Have you witnessed the accidents, Schlick, or do they happen when you're not in the room? If it's the latter, I would invest in a nanny-cam...
Hi OP, im sorry to say but i don’t believe these arw accidents.
Nose bleeds! I think your DH is doing this to hurt him and the reason he won’t let you comfort him is because he knows exactly what he’s done
Holy shit I was coming on expecting you to be being precious, but that's outrageous. YANBU!!!
God do you know reading all your responses has made me cry. I honestly don't think he's doing it on purpose but it has to stop right now and I will do whatever I need to to make sure it does, even if that involves leaving. My baby is all that matters here.
If my DH caused our baby to have a nosebleed he would be so upset. He wouldn't be engaging in rough play the next day and causing further injuries.
I think maybe you need to show him this thread if you think he’s not going to take a talk seriously
Ffs it isn’t abuse. He just needs to be more careful! Sounds like he’s very rough and tumble and needs to calm down.
I've been in the room for most of the accidents.... I almost think that's partly making him worse because I'll say to be more gentle and he scoffs it's fine and then two minutes later there's an accident.
Maybe the issue is that he doesn't listen to me or respect my opinion
My son is nearly 11 months, starting to try walk independently resulting in alot of falls, bumps and bangs but he's never had a nose bleed or been dropped. I know accidents happen but if these things continue to happen (especially if baby is going to be going to day care etc) these reasons for crying/injury will start sounding like the 'I got a black eye by walking into a door' excuse. He needs to start being mindful of what he is doing. Maybe get him to start a bedtime hour routine/wind down rather than hyping him up. I get the feeling of making up lost time but memories can be made regardless of if its play fighting or snuggling with a book.
What are you waiting for ?
A head injury ? Bleed on the brain ? Broken bone ? What ?
Maybe the issue is that he doesn't listen to me or respect my opinion
I'm sorry you had a child with an asshole. But now it's time for you to step the hell up to protect the baby.
Yanbu! My daughter is 11 months and my partner has always played with her quite physically- throwing her in the air, flying her round the room, bouncing her on the bed- and he’s never knocked her into anything or dropped her. If he can’t do that sort of play safely then he needs to stop doing it at all.
Yes kids roll off things and get bumped heads but not this much!!
Fucking hell so you're scared of what this man will do to you if you stand up to him.
Get out get out get out.
He is a fucking idiot and dangerous. Makes me feel sick
When an adult "plays" with a non verbal child to the point the child is screaming, and bleeding, that's abuse. He's given a 10 month old nosebleeds twice, that you know of, yet still continues to be rough? This rough play is for his benefit, not for the baby. Sorry you're in this situation op
I'm going to show OH this thread. I want him to see that I'm not being precious about this.
no I am not scared of him at all. He's not purposefully being violent!!
Babies are still fragile at this age. It’s terrible, terrible behaviour.
I’m not being funny OP but if I knew you, and you told me the story just like that, with that catalogue of injuries, id be calling social services. Seriously.
My DH was also physical with DD as a baby. No injuries.
I'm far from the perfect parent but I have a ds who is 4 and a half, he has never had a nose bleed.
This sounds so worrying OP
perhaps he could do something quieter like read him a story ready for bed
Sorry I know “call SS” is overused on here, and that the threshold is high for investigation, but I still would. Sorry OP I don’t want to upset you further but it is shocking.
I firmly believe he gets a kick out of it, on the sly. That's why all the 'accidents' happen when you're not in the room.
He's going to try and gaslight you when you talk to him about it or show him this thread - he'll play it down, he'll tell you he's not being over the top, he'll tell you you're a pathetic worrier, he'll say your preventing him from enjoying time with his son. You have to not believe this bullshit because HE. IS. ABUSING. YOUR. SON.
The fact it keeps on happening is really worrying. The first time it should have been a learning point – mistakes happen and with your first baby, it takes some getting used to what's normal etc. But the fact that he's kept on doing it after hurting the baby several times is pretty worrying. After the first time, I'd expect any reasonable adult to say 'OK that's a bit too rough at the moment' and adjust their behaviour to avoid a repeat, not continue doing the same things and seemingly not caring if their child gets hurt
Most people would be horrified to hurt their baby, let alone cause them TWO nosebleeds. Why isn't he horrified? 😱
I was expecting to read that your DP was being a bit silly tickling him or something - but nosebleeds?! That is not normal, I’m sorry. I’m not sure you can trust him to have any unsupervised time with your child.
They arent all happening when i am out of the room.
He honestly is not doing this to abuse him. The fact he's not altering his playing though is wrong, as a poster said.
If ops partner is reading this Google shaken baby syndrome. That's no fucking joke.
Seriously if you care about your child grow up and realise what you are doing. By continuing not to listen, that's when it becomes abusive.
I know we can be overprotective but accidentally or not, your dh is hurting your baby, or not preventing him from hurting himself. He’s being irresponsible and can’t be relied on to take proper care of your ds. Be very firm and stand your ground. If he says oh he’s fine stop fussing, say no he’s not fine, he’s already been injured by rough play several times, he’s too small and can’t protect himself.
no I am not scared of him at all. He's not purposefully being violent!!
That's not what I meant. DH one told me to go to bed and he would take newborn DD. He was (idiotically) intending to sit on the bed in a dark room with his eyes closed but insisted he "wouldn't fall asleep". (Of course he would have, he was tired.) I told him in no uncertain terms that he was not to do this, at its not a safe sleeping arrangement, and if he did, I would fucking divorce him. He listened. It seems like you are scared to tell him in no uncertain terms to STOP. HURTING. THE BABY!
I think this is really concerning, you need to put a stop to it now. I agree girl, these are not accidents. You really need to protect your baby. He could sustain a head injury or worse.
he is horrified, he is upset that hes hurt.
After the first time he stopped throwing him around, then after the second time he stopped letting him crawl on the bed, when he bangs his head on something he stops him playing with it..... The problem is he doesn't think ahead enough to assess what's going to cause an accident, what's appropriate for his age etc. That's what he needs to change, rather than just reacting after an accident.
Jesus christ op. I had a toddler dd and I’ve had 2 accidents with her. Neither one caused a nosebleed or any lasting damage. Accidents happen, that’s life with small children.
These are not accidents. He’s not changed his behaviour after he’s caused a hideous injury to his own child. I have to agree with Sheep, if I knew you I’d be contacting SS asap. What a horrifying way to treat a baby. You have got to put your ds first and stop this. And if he doesn’t see sense he leaves. Is as simple as that.
Maybe the issue is that he doesn't listen to me or respect my opinion
And what makes you think he'll have more respect for random women on mumsnet?
As an aside, deliberate violence by people who want to get away with it tends to be more subtle and disguised as accidents, rather than the blatantly obvious punch-in-the-face variety...
he is horrified, he is upset that hes hurt.
Not enough to change his behaviour. What does that tell you?
Normal peopel owuld have toned down the orugh house the first time the babay was hurtn
Either he has the IQ of a slug, or he is an abusive monster who gets kicks out of hurting your baby when you're not in the room.
given he seems to hold down a job and otherwise function normally, I'm going for the second option.
There’s rough play and accident injuries, it happens.
How the hell does a baby get 2 ‘accidental’ injuries from a bit of rough play? I would have him in the house never mind on his own with the baby.
Would you feel comfortable telling your health visitor about this?
My 2 year old had a graze in his head from a fall the day before, health visitor saw and asked me about this and I said what happened and with the way dd was tearing around the room she could see how this happened.
For your baby’s age, I don’t understand how he got a nosebleed from rough ‘play’.
I don’t think you’re OH is being abusive. He just needs to get a clue when it comes to the baby.
Some folk are very physical, they don’t know their own strength. You need to spell it out to him.
Not only is he not altering his "playing", he doesn't give a shit that his baby has been left bleeding TWICE because of him.
If it was me, I would LTB. He is not a good father, everything has to be his way no matter how much pain and damage.
Get out now.
As fast as you can
Please, protect your baby.
This is not normal behaviour
Is he the baby's biological father?
OP, I have a daughter similar in age to your son. I would absolutely not under any circumstances leave my baby alone with anyone who had injured a baby to the point of bleeding twice. You shouldn't either.
What are you waiting for?
A head injury? Bleed on the brain? Broken bone? What?
@AnyFucker has the right of it here. I'm utterly appalled.
Seeing as he doesn't give a shit what you think and is too dumb to think for himself, you're just going to have to be around at all times until your child is old enough not to be seriously injured by him.
You need to spell it out to him.
That won't help. The OP has already said that he won't listen to her and doesn't care what she thinks.
He's not purposefully being violent!!
Isn't that what violent people say?
I mean, it doesn't look good does it? All the times your child ends up with bleeding and wounds is when the father is 'looking after' him. Bit of a coincidence.
It’s even more concerning, reading back how many injuries how occurred in a very short space of time
You say your partner changed his hours just to spend with the baby and at this time baby is cranky when he wants to play with him?
No one repeatedly hurts a 10 month old baby unless they want that baby to be hurt.
It's not carelessness.
I don't know why he keeps hurting your baby - to get at you? Because he feels anger/frustration towards him? Some misguided idea about toughening him up? The results are the same though.
Crikey, he's playing far too rough! I can relate to a certain extent in that DH gets home late and would then start playing games with DS who is only three months, peekaboo, tickling etc which DS does love and he laughs and smiles but it was hyping him up and affecting his sleep. I deal with night time because I'm bf and off work. I explained to DH but he said oh I just miss him and want to play with him before bed, so the last time he did it I woke him all through the night every time DS woke, so DH could settle him again. He got the picture. I do now delay bath time so DH can bath him, and give him a story before bed (I know he's a bit young but it's a nice routine). DH gets some quality time and DS sleeps better
You are defending a child abuser. He is repeatedly hurting your child.
Do something to protect your baby before it's down to outside agencies.
If any professionals see any injuries or evidence of the nose-bleeds, they are required to record a safeguarding concern. You could very quickly have a social worker assessing your ability to keep your baby safe.
Your DH needs to tone down the play and start risk assessing properly.
FWIW, I find it hard to believe that a ten month old baby managed to free himself from a safe hold by an adult. If he was holding him, he wasn't taking any care about it.
I would tell him you will call the police and mean it.. Why are you leaving the room while this is going on.
Please do not show him this thread. This place could be a source of support for you getting your child out of this situation. But not if he knows about it.
OP, I hope this is just idiocy and he stops and thinks about things now before anything more serious happens.
Trying to be generous, I wonder if he is craving the baby being older and less dependent on you, and this is just him rushing the kind of play a toddler/preschooler might enjoy. But if he just won’t listen and wake up to the fact that this is a 10m old baby, you’re going to have to speak to the HV.
What is the headbanging nosebleed about?
My two year old has banged my head with his during a tantrum on a few occasions, once causing me a cut lip. But he’s never had a mark on him from on and he’s very forceful when he’s done it.
How about the fall/drop? Again my dd is a climber and had a few falls, only injuries from scraped knees from outside or the graze he had recently as his head caught a corner.
In my mind for your baby to get a nosebleed in this way strength and force has been used.
He’s being far too rough. And it’s very worrying that he’s continuing to engage in rough play after the baby’s already been hurt once.
Accidents can happen, yes, but the normal response would be to tone down the rough play and take more care after the first time the baby was hurt.
And I agree that it sounds like a pattern of behaviour that would draw attention from SS.
Sorry but my DS is 2 and has never had a bump or fall resulting in a nose bleed. My DH plays rugby, we all wrestle and jump on each other, still none of us have ever sustained an injury. I'd be horrified if DS ended up with a nose bleed from our play fights and would stop straight away
Do stop making excuses for your husband. Accidents do happen but not as frequently as this. Also why does your baby hit his head a lot during the day? Are you not watching him as he crawls about?
I would quite seriously consider this as abuse and, as someone who works with children, would report this behaviour to social services without hesitation. You are minimising his actions I'm afraid and I agree with previous posters that this could end with a more serious injury very easily with such a young child.
I'm going to go against the grain a little bit here, not minimising the fact that it's a serious situation but I wouldn't leap to the conclusion that it's deliberately abusive. That said, it's totally unacceptable and very scary that these types of injuries are happening and God forbid something even worse were to happen. It's neglect and you are both culpable if you allow it to continue, sorry. What steps are you going to take to make sure it never happens again?
I was expecting to think YABU as my husband can be fairly boisterous with our children but this level + your baby’s age is ridiculous and I wouldn’t be letting him near them. Nosebleeds?? This isn’t normal at all. He could really injure the poor little mite, please protect your baby.
I am shocked!
This isn’t just rough play op, he is injuring your child!
I don’t understand how this can ever be okay with you, nose bleeds and dropping him. WTH!
You need to keep your baby safe, and urgently need to find out what is happening every time you leave the room.
My 2 toddlers are very boisterous, clumsy and rough by nature, they have minor accidents every single day. We have NEVER had a nose bleed, the only blood has either been from a grazed knee or where they bit their own lip falling onto it.
My DH is also very rough and loves to play fight with them. He's never hurt them though, they normally hurt him. What your partner is doing is not ok, it's really not ok or normal. I would have gone crazy after the first injury, it certainly wouldn't have happened again!
This doesn't sound like lots of accidents SchlickShlock I'm sorry but it doesn't and I say that as a mother of 5DC and 2 of my DC are disabled(they both struggle with they're balance and hand eye coordination)I'm also an Auntie to 13 children and I've worked in Nurserys(1 of which had baby's from only a couple of months old)and schools and I've never witnessed a nosebleed with any of those children so the fact that your DS has had 2 at only 10 months old is very suspect!
I'd be getting the baby away from him,for me my 5DC come before anyone else no matter who they are,you need to put your baby first!
I am on another thread talking about the treatment of a child. Someone, who has been working with children for a very long time made a chilling remark. It went something like this:
Most mothers don’t abuse their children. 90% of children removed from their family home were removed because their mothers failed to protect them.
Please advocate for your child.
The NHS are clear that if a child under 2 has a nosebleed after a blow to the head they must see a GP straight away. Who knows what damage has been done already to their developing brain?
You need to step up as a mother and put your child first. Your child looks to you for protection. Do it!
Speak to your health visitor, or if they are useless (not unknown!) see your GP. I would tell you to get every injury documented when it happens but I think the problem is too urgent for that. I'm not normally one for involving the authorities, but this is serious.
When you baby is seriously injured, nobody is going to care that you told your husband not to be so rough, just that you failed to protect your baby.
I think it sounds like he doesn't realise how easily they can be hurt. If he's at work most of the time he won't have enough experience dealing with such a little baby, you really do have to think ahead and not take your eye off the ball
I've got three and the middle one was always sporting a massive head bump, he was non stop, once I was at the doctors and as I was talking to the gp he wrestled free from me and ran across the room tripped over the weighing scales and his head came up in the hugest bump you've ever seen, instantly. The gp said oh dear go home and get the frozen peas on it! He was only 14 months! I was glad it happened there though.
However, nose bleeds sound serious!
You would think if he had caused an actual nose bleed to a ten month baby that he would NEVER ever do that again. Surely if it was not intentional YOU would not have to say anything to him!!!!
The very fact he has continued to injure and harm his baby even ignoring your pleas to stop makes it very much intentional, because he isn’t stopping. Is he?
You have to take your baby away from this man op. It is such a dangerous situation, one that could end very very badly if you don’t take immediate action to protect your baby.
My DD was extremely clumsy as a toddler, she would fall all the time and she fell straight without bending her knees or putting out her hands but even she never had a nosebleed! What he did must have been extreme to cause such an injury twice.
Why is he not able to predict that this kind of inappropriate play is dangerous? It’s a bizarre excuse for someone who is, presumably, NT. Making a mistake is fine, it can happen to anyone, but repeatedly failing to predict that situations are dangerous for a baby is very odd.
I think a nose bleed is quite an extreme injury for baby. Think about the force required to cause a bleed from the nose. That’s a heck of an impact.
Both of mine have head butted me ( accidentally) when they were that age or older. It was eye wateringly painful but they both laughed and thought it was hilarious - the impact had not hurt them. If your baby is bleeding and crying the force must be massively significant.
When I started reading your post I was thinking yabu, my partner play wrestles and tosses the kids about and is rougher playing than me but that has never resulted in any injuries
YANBU I have 2 kids under five and neither of them have had nose bleeds or been dropped, of course accidents happen but this seems very unusual
Please click on the NHS link above, it’s shocking. Your DS may need medical attention.
I think it sounds like he doesn't realise how easily they can be hurt. If he's at work most of the time he won't have enough experience dealing with such a little baby
That's bollocks, most working parents can figure out how to play with their children without being so forceful they give them nosebleeds.
Did you get medical attention OP? Your baby needs someone to keep them safe. anyfucker is right, what injury is going to be next?
My daughter was a head banger from an early age, she would head butt anything and everything in her path if she didn't get her own way and literally stuck her head through the TV screen when she was 2! It was a standing joke that no one ever saw her without a bump or bruised forehead as a result.
Not once did she have a nose bleed!
This thread is not accepting new messages.
Please login first.