Is this normal re: possibly stingy dp (trivial!)(76 Posts)
'Warning - before anyone jumps down my throat - I am aware this is a very first world problem, am lucky to have anyone who acknowledges my birthday, buys me a present, etc.'
Have been seeing dp for about a year - not living together yet but planning to soon and spend a lot of time together. Relationship is mainly great but there have been a few little niggles and then this....
I mentioned off-hand some time before my birthday that I wanted to see a band who were playing in a city about 1hr and a half away, but didn't have anybody to go with. Then on bday opened up an envelope from dp with a ticket to go to the show. I was really happy, grateful, etc., suggested maybe going up to the city, staying over and making a night of it, which he agreed to. A few weeks later I suggested a few hotels, dp said that he might have to work that night so may not stay over. I was a bit puzzled and said that would be a waste of his (quite expensive) ticket.DP was equally - what did I mean 'his' ticket? He'd only bought the one, for me. He's not bothered about the band (I did know this) so it would be a waste of money for him to go.
While yes, I was aware I had only opened the one ticket I just assumed he had also bought one for himself! Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no issue doing things by myself - I live alone and also travel for work, and am used to eating out by myself, going to the cinema, etc. It's just, for me, a live gig is one of those things it's much more fun to go with someone else. I know some people go to gigs alone, and good for them, but it's just not something I personally enjoy, which is why I didn't buy a ticket for myself originally - I was perfectly able to afford it if I wanted, and he knew this; my exact words were 'Oh, I'd like to go and see X but nobody will go with me.'
Especially if you are buying this type of thing for a present surely it is normal to buy two tickets? Even if he didn't want to suck it up and come, (as I would, and have, for something he wanted to do), so I could go with someone else (which is what I have done in the past, e.g. for my mum to see a show I didn't fancy). Other times I have clubbed together with mates where we all bought our own ticket to a festival or whatever and then shared the cost of the birthday person's. I've never considered just buying that one person a ticket for themselves!
We have had an argument because I said this was weird, and I would probably try and sell the ticket to treat myself to something else. DP thinks I am being ungrateful because he put the effort in to buy me something I'd mentioned, and 'cutting off my nose to spite my face' as I want to see the band.
So AIBU to think most people prefer to attend events with someone else and wouldn't give an individual ticket as a gift? I did a vox pol of friends and colleagues who agreed with me it was a bit weird (although some of them aren't that keen on DP anyway) but am more than happy to hear alternative responses!
Yes, I would say if you were buying a ticket for someone for their birthday you buy two, either to accompany them, or for someone else to go with you.
Is this the first birthday since you've been together? These kind of things can be a minefield as everyone has their own normal, and the natural thing to do is to assume that your normal is the same as everyone else's.
Get another ticket and take a friend, and then have a conversation about expectations in the future - FWIW, it was actually quite thoughtful given you'd not explicitly asked, it just wasn't executed well, so I don't think it's completely hopeless.
Yes, this is weird. Two tickets would be the norm, so you can go with him or one of your mates.
Yanbu, that's a shitty present and a shitty thing to not mention it when he gave it to you at least. I like doing things alone too but going to a live gig as Billy no mates is not one of them
Yes, this is not you - it's weird. Dp and I often differ over who we want to see and generally the one who is most keen pays for the other. Dp is fine going on his own and there have been a couple of occasions where I've declined the offer of a ticket and stayed at the hotel.
I wouldn't go on my own, even though I'm happy in my own company, a gig is a social event as far as I'm concerned. It sounds like you'll be sucking up hotel and travel costs on your own so unless you're really bothered, I'd sell the ticket unless you've got a mate who likes the idea.
I'm interested in why your friends don't like him..
Yes weird - you buy two so the experience can be enjoyed / shared
Odd and a little thoughtless but he clearly meant well. Are tickets still available? Can you persuade him/ a friend to go with you after all?
Yep, weird, unless you've already strongly demonstrated that you're a person who likes to go to things like this alone - it's safer to assume that most people would prefer to go WITH someone.
Yes it would be the norm to buy two tickets and go with them. I have done that to treat a friend or family member even if I haven’t been overkeen myself.
So do you think he did this because he is tight?
My OH would do this if he did not wish to go, which is why I would never want tickets as a gift.
I don't know if it terribly matters if it's weird or not to buy one ticket, but to me the problem would be that he can't accept that you don't want to go alone.
Of all the presents DH has bought me over the last 20 years, I think I've returned over 50% of them for store credit. One of the reasons I appreciate being married to him so much is because, although he initially found it really weird that I was completely honest about unwelcome gifts, he shifted his view to accommodate the way I am.
Why don’t your friends like him?
I think it’s weird too.
I would bet your friends have good reasons why they don't like him.
(not from your description but just because friends are right about bad boyfriends more often than they are wrong about a good boyfriend)
Definitely a bit odd. I bought DH tickets for a band before that I knew he wanted to go and see. They're not my cup of tea at all, but I bought him two tickets because I knew his friend is into them too and thought he could go with him.
I mean, if he'd wanted me to go, I would have but I'm sure he had a much better time with his friend who's a genuine fan too.
I certainly wouldn't have bought him one ticket and expected him to go on his own though.
It is strange to just buy one ticket. Can you not see if a friend will go with you and then buy another ticket?
Some friends aren't keen because he's a bit of a loner and they are very gregarious - I'm not bothered about this at all because I'm also quite happy in my own company and understand there's a healthy spectrum of intro/extraversion.
Others are a bit meh because I have mentioned before (not moaning but just comes up in conversation) incidents where he has been notoriously 'careful' with money. Again this isn't a huge thing for me because I had an ex who was a complete spendthrift so feel safer with someone who is the opposite but sometimes do wonder where the line is drawn between being careful and tight.
See Userplus and Wayward I can sort of see his point that is was kindly meant, especially because he wouldn't bat an eyelid at going alone at all so thinks it's completely normal and was actually surprised I'd assumed there were two tickets. But it's the fact he heard the 'I'd like to go' but disregarded the 'but not alone' part of my sentence that makes me think actually it's not that nice if he's superimposing his idea of what he thinks I should do over what I actually want. It would be like getting a plane ticket for someone who said 'I'd love to go to Australia but I'm terrified of flying' IYSWIM?
While he's very kind he does sometimes very much seem to struggle that other people might not see things the same way as him and this is an example of that. I just don't know whether these are just tiny personality quirks that you get used to in a relationship (and god knows I'm not perfect) or indicative of something else.
He's gone wrong there by arguing back at you.
Guy gets girl a gift
Girl finds gift upsetting
Guy has a go at girl and tells her she is being unreasonable and she is WRONG. He is RIGHT.
Girl dumps guy for being an immature defensive little dickhead.
Hellohappy His reasoning:
a) he's happy going to gigs on his own
b) he knew I said I didn't, but thinks this is silly and I should just go if I like the band
c) buying a ticket for himself when he doesn't want to go is a waste of money
d) he bought my ticket because he's going out with me and it's my birthday. Why should he buy a ticket for my friend? if they want to go they can buy their own ticket.
In fairness it's logical but does seem a bit harsh!
I will try and see if someone else wants to come and then buy another ticket, but the problem is that I have moved miles away from my hometown/uni and most of my close friends around there, so for them to come would involve return flights and at two days off work. I will ask but it's a lot of money especially when the band are actually playing in home city anyway (I am wondering if I could buy and re-sell ticket for that show but that would mean me flying up and taking time off which suddenly starts adding up). I have friends where I live now but none are into that music.
You've said you don't like a thing.
He thinks you are silly for not liking it, and spends money in a way that means you have the choice of doing the thing you don't like, or "wasting" his money and upsetting him.
That's not a very kind way to treat you, is it?
I would hate that and find it really tight. I would always buy two tickets as a present even if one was for me.
I'm not sure its stingy so much as thoughtless. He's probably congratulating himself on buying a gift you will like but hasn't given a single thought to the bigger picture. Which in itself is a problem.
Relationship ending? Probably not. But it is odd.
Do you havr other examples of stinginess/ thoughtlessness? When you go on holiday proud to dinner how does it go? If you move in together, how's that going to work?
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